When do you start to expect exclusivity?

[Nightwriter]

I've been seeing a woman for a few weeks now and we get along great so far but I've been taking it very slowly. We see each other about once a week, and text a bit during the week. It's partly due to distance and a busy schedule but also my reluctance. I think it's slower than she wants. But after my last GF of almost 3 years cheated on me and left me for another guy (almost a year ago), after the utter despair I went through, I can't dive in so quickly as I did with the ex. She and I haven't discuss exclusivity and I'm talking to another woman online, though we haven't met yet but we have some unique things in common that I want to explore. I'm closing off all the other women I've communicated with outside of some casual topics of commonalities, more friendly banter than dating banter. But I'm not pursuing anyone else besides these two.

 

I am feeling a bit uneasy about this because in the past, once I focus on a woman for a few weeks, I cut off other women and see where this goes. But part of me knows that my radar is a bit broken after my ex and I'm being both careful for my own sake and I need to retune what I really want from a woman, because my ex was what I thought I really wanted until that turned out to be a horrible mess at the end. It's why I don't want to date one woman exclusively for now. But I also don't want to be like my ex and do the same thing. And I'm definitely not here to stroke my ego having multiple women interested in me. These women are free to date whomever while we are not exclusive.

 

So the question is, if you are dating to be in an LTR and not casually, when do you start to expect exclusivity? I realize everyone will have a different answer and that's why I'm asking in a public forum.

[Art_Critic]

When I was single I always gave it as soon as body fluids were exchanged, I did not expect it from them at that time but it was my experience that when you give it them giving it isn't too far away since dating is about finding someone to be exclusive with and they were on the same page quickly too.

 

I was always a one girl kinda guy so once the sheets were hit unless she broke up with me I wasn't going to date anyone else anyhow..

 

Who has time for that, I sure didn't so it was an easy thing to adopt into my life and honestly I thought it went well for me...

[Art_Critic]

I do think in your case you need to have the talk with each other and get those cards out on the table...

 

Anytime you feel the need for exclusivity then that is the time

[AMJ]

You should go out with the other woman first and see how that goes before you decide. I think around a month or so at least is enough time for people to figure out if a relationship is right. Although, sometimes it's taken me a few months to figure that out...but in those instances it was usually because I didn't want a relationship with the guy. I'd keep dating him to figure out if bigger feelings would develop, but they never do.

 

What I'll never understand is why people act like getting into a relationship is so serious to begin with? You can always just break up if it doesn't go well in a few months...I don't get it.

[kolleamm]

It should happen after the kiss. If someone is hesitant to enter a relationship with another person after 4 or 5 dates then that's a red flag.

 

Don't let thoughts of your ex ruin your chances at future relationships. You are a man, believe in yourself. Life is about taking risks. There is no guarantee in anything. The only guarantee is that you will lose if you don't take chances.

 

Anyways, if you think her level of attraction for you is high then you might as well ask her to be your girlfriend.

 

If she likes you it's pretty hard to screw things up.

[Larryville]

Ok will use my current status. Met a woman a couple of weeks ago, emailed on site several times, we had two really good marathon phone conversations. She is currently on east coast on vacation since past Sunday but we have texted often and spoke last evening for quite a time covering LOTS of stuff.

 

Now I had contacted I think 3 others around the same time I met first lady. I have spoken fairly extensively to a couple of them and met one. Now my immediate gut was none of the other women were going to work out long term, all nice, cool women just not for me nor do I think they are looking for anything “serious” However the first woman has been VERY clear she is not looking for anything casual and neither am I.

 

We will meet on Sunday in person for first time and hopefully we will have that “chemistry” and if we do will move in LTR direction, answering your question if Sunday’s meet is positive will move towards exclusivity.

 

I’m not saying immediate relationship, will proceed with caution but in the direction of exclusivity and I will likely do something like remove profile unless she has a third eye and worships the devil.

 

Bottom line, communicated, we did/have a lot already.

 

You just gotta talk and be honest and up front and if your gut tells you she is someone worth pursuing. In my case this woman has given me every reason she “likely” is worth pursuing.

 

I will add she seems to be the kind of person that if she is “not feeling it” when we meet she will NOT beat around the bush and let me know and I will do the same.

 

Not sure how old you are but when you get to my age (52) man you just know, there is little ambiguity at this stage.

Good Luck

[Nightwriter]

Thanks for the replies. There is definitely some unique aspects of my situation, having been cheated on in my most recent relationship, but then everyone has their own unique aspects so all opinions are welcome. While I detailed my situation, the question is open ended and I appreciate the different responses. Keep them coming.

[Larryville]

having been cheated on in my most recent relationship

 

NW

 

Reading and understanding human behaviors and emotions is a skill set that is learned over time. There are just things that people do and say and how they behave that tells your guy whether or not they are a quality individual.

We can either become more in tuned to those behaviors, some choose to ignore citing “giving benefit of the doubt” some people settle out of desperation or loneliness or will ignore clear signs because a guy or gal might be hot or whatever.

 

Dating and relationships are hard but we all do (for the most part) have the innate ability to distinguish “screwed up” people, those who would do us harm from quality individuals.

 

“I’m dating a guy who was a former felon”

 

“I’m dating a woman who is a former drug addict”

 

“I’m dating a woman who is successful, educated….”

 

“I’m dating a guy, successful career, smart, who is raising his kids, who treats me with respect….”

 

Every one of us either has the green flag or red flag above our heads, up to us to choose whether or not to face reality or ignore… sometimes... the obvious traits.

 

PS: Sometimes why someone cheats on you is NOT always about you...

 

Good Luck

[Vado]

Exclusive, between 6 and 9 weeks after dating, but let the woman bring it up, than it becomes her idea. As a guy you become more attractive when you don't label things.

After a romantic night she says something like:

'Where is this going?'

You:

'Where do you think this is going?;

She: 'You know, us'

You 'What about us'

(and she will talk, if she is in her feminine, in circles and circles and circles untill you say exclusive and she says that's to soon, but she doesn't mean it, she just says it as a test, and than you say: you're the one for me, I'm not seeing other people and than you share the sheets and you go home, so she can miss you and wait for her to call.)

Something like that.

[AMJ]

^ this works if you're dating an idiot only.

[Vado]

^ this works if you're dating an idiot only.

 

Not true, it works outside Alabama too

[kendahke]

But I'm not pursuing anyone else besides these two.

 

For me, exclusivity begins with a conversation declaring intent to be exclusive. Doesn't matter who brings it up: once it's brought up, truth must prevail.

 

If you're not there, you need to tell them both you aren't and that they are free to date whoever they wish. That's not a policy you should keep to yourself. That bit of information will help them to determine if what you have on offer right now at this point in your life is enough for them or not. You can't on the one hand indulge your despair about being cheated on, then proceed with two women who are in the dark about your intent or about each other being the object of your interest at the same time.

 

In your case, don't allow either of them to get the notion in their head that they are the only one you have whatever interest in when that's not true.

[mizunomead]

For myself, i don't expect to be exclusive per say. But i will ask for it somewhere in the 4th-6th date range. Or after sex, which is usually in the same ballpark timeline wise.

I think the person im currently dating we became "exclusive" on the 5th date.

 

I wont knowingly be in a sexual relationship with someone and not be exclusive. But that is just me.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Honestly, in this day and age with OLD, I don't truly expect exclusivity. In practice, if I like someone, I have a face to face, not texting, not phone, but face to face and discuss it. Once there is agreement, all extra-curricular activities cease. I have found that MOST women are not at all interested in multi-dating, but I was bamboozled once, but that relationship actually turned out to be the more promising though, in the end, it didn't work out for other reasons. For me, it seems to be a 2-3 date thing. If all goes well, I ask that a conversation about exclusivity occur. Really, why wait so long for exclusivity?? Letting each other kiss, have sex, hug, etc. with other while you figure things out is simply....DUMB.

[Ami1uwant]

Exclusivity or bf/gf comes before it's a LTR. You want exclusivity first to see what happens.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Honestly, in this day and age with OLD, I don't truly expect exclusivity. In practice, if I like someone, I have a face to face, not texting, not phone, but face to face and discuss it. Once there is agreement, all extra-curricular activities cease. I have found that MOST women are not at all interested in multi-dating, but I was bamboozled once, but that relationship actually turned out to be the more promising though, in the end, it didn't work out for other reasons. For me, it seems to be a 2-3 date thing. If all goes well, I ask that a conversation about exclusivity occur. Really, why wait so long for exclusivity?? Letting each other kiss, have sex, hug, etc. with other while you figure things out is simply....DUMB.

 

I wanted to correct something regarding this line:

"...but I was bamboozled once, but that relationship actually turned out to be the more promising though, in the end, it didn't work out for other reasons."

 

I actually bamboozled myself in assuming that we were exclusive. She continued to date. It wasn't until later that we got together and had the talk...again, it didn't work out....thank goodness!:rolleyes:

[Bialy]

I think it's important when BOTH people in a relationship seek exclusivity at the same time. When it feels right, you know it.

 

In my last relationship, my ex wanted exclusivity after 3 weeks - and we weren't even having sex at that point. Things ended up fine --- although we have broken up recently for unrelated reasons.

 

I know now that it is not a good idea to enter into exclusivity after just 3 weeks of hanging out. In fact, my told me he loved me after our first date... Yeah, this was not a healthy start to exclusivity. I just got swept away with it all.

 

 

NOW, NEWLY SINGLE, I can't imagine I'd move that quickly again.

 

I wouldn't bring up the subject of exclusivity unless the guy brought it up first and if I felt deep feelings for him. It has to be mutual.

 

If someone told me they loved me and I felt the same --- this is another time I'd absolutely want exclusivity.

[Nightwriter]

For me, exclusivity begins with a conversation declaring intent to be exclusive. Doesn't matter who brings it up: once it's brought up, truth must prevail.

 

If you're not there, you need to tell them both you aren't and that they are free to date whoever they wish. That's not a policy you should keep to yourself. That bit of information will help them to determine if what you have on offer right now at this point in your life is enough for them or not. You can't on the one hand indulge your despair about being cheated on, then proceed with two women who are in the dark about your intent or about each other being the object of your interest at the same time.

 

In your case, don't allow either of them to get the notion in their head that they are the only one you have whatever interest in when that's not true.

I've always operated on the notion that until you talk about being exclusive, you don't assume it. Neither would I expect that from her until we have that discussion. That could happen in date two or five or whatever. But I've never had a "pre-exclusive" discussion with a woman. She and I still getting to know each other. Neither of us have deactivated our OLD accounts.

 

This is definitely not a case of saying we're exclusive but not meaning it. Or maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're saying?

[normal person]

It should happen after the kiss. If someone is hesitant to enter a relationship with another person after 4 or 5 dates then that's a red flag.

 

After "the" kiss? Really? I've kissed plenty of people and God knows they weren't expecting/desiring exclusivity after that. They would've thought I was crazy for implying that.

 

If you go out with more than one person at a time, you can expect to kiss at least one of them, and expect them to be doing the same, I would think. Once you start getting sexual, then there's reason to keep it to one person. Kissing is pretty commonplace these days, or at least I thought it was. I met a girl this past weekend, we kissed a lot, I took her out last night, we kissed a lot, but I still don't know her nearly well enough her to ask her to be exclusive. Maybe we once we sleep together we'll consider moving forward or not. You wouldn't buy a car without test driving it, would you?

[morrowrd]

I did the same thing as you're doing while I was dating. And....like you said yourself, they're all free to date others (and probably are). Go with the flow, there is no time table, no rules to follow, only your own. When the time is right, and the girl is right, you'll know. You'll BOTH know.

 

When its forced, it isn't going to work.

[Robert]

We'll reopen this thread after deleting the last 20 posts.

 

Moderation would like to remind everyone that it is possible to voice differing opinions without it devolving into arguments and bickering.

 

Thanks to the posters that have posted within guidelines and apologies if those posts got tied up in the last 20.

 

~6