slingchilders Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 We're both 28 (M + F) STAGE 1 - what happened: I've been dating this girl for over 4 months now. Before anything sexual (3rd week) I asked my gf to both get tested, as I'm really serious about STDs. She said she doesn't feel the need to get tested as before me she was in a long-term relationship and she was sure about her ex being faithful etc - but agreed that she would get tested if I really wanted. I thought it was ok, if she was in a monogamous realationship, so we started having sex without her being tested. I know it wasn't very smart, but that was my decision made with the given information. Since she used that excuse not to get tested, I assumed she didn't have anyone between me and her ex. That was a risk I was willing to take. She never mentioned anyone, although I told her about my exes and the importance I put into being open about past sexual relationships because of STDs. Is that a right attitude on my part? Now, almost everyday she gets a text from a dude, she said was just a "friend". As it turned out he would call her pet names, flirty stuff about her eyes, etc., she wouldn't reciprocate but kept the conversation going nevertheless. I asked her several times what's the deal and she said she didn't feel anything towards that guy, and that she made it clear to him that she has a boyfriend now, and that it's just a friend who helped her out in the past. I was ok with that. A few days ago, she again recieved a text with some pet names when we were playing a game on her phone. I thought that wasn't right, and kept pressing her to describe her relationship with that friend whom I never met, as I'm quite teritorial. She said again it's just a friend. I kept asking and just blatently asked the question whether she had any romantic feelings towards him in the past, she said absolutely no. I kept asking and asked if they had sex, she said they had numerous times before she met me. I don't mind casual sex, and her previous partners, etc. I've had numerous girlfriends and friends with benefits, but I make it really clear to any new girlfriend about my sexual past and I get tested before each and every partner. What really bothered me are two things. 1. that she let me think that she didn't have anyone betwee me and her ex-boyfriend. And because of that I thought the risk of STDs is much lower. 2. when talking about that guy who sends her texts, is stalking her on FB, likes every post, asks for pictures, calls her pet name etc. she said that was a friend and didn't mention it was a past lover or an ex friend with benefits. When I asked her why she didn't mention that before we had sex, when I asked her about previous partners, she said she had sex with him using protection and thought it wasn't relevant to our situation, and that STDs cannot be transferred when using a condom. So she just didn't say about it - which I feel is a big violation of trust. She also said that I'm probably paranoid about STDs. She is a great girl otherwise, but I really don't know what to feel about this. Am I really paranoid? Was it ok that she didn't mention that the guy whom she was talking to, and who was to my taste overly flirty, is just a friend? I don't mind talking to ex partners as long as it's out in the open as to what the relationship was with that person. Any suggestions? Am I overreacting? STAGE 2 - why it happened according to her I'd like to ask you what I shoul in light of what my gf told me yesterday regarding this situation. She admitted she lied and therefore put my health at risk because she didn't want me to judge her about her past. That she kept contact with that former lover and lied about him being a friend (for the same reason, to protect my opinion of her) even though she knew she should have told me earlier. What would you guys do? Her excuse is that since I told her about my two previous relationships where I've been cheated on, so her mentioning her lovers would be like giving me reasons not do date her, as she once cheated on her parnter several years ago and I would somehow find out. Is that a lot of bs, or what?
Sunkissedpatio Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Look the STD thing is a concern, but you chose to waive the need to have her tested and proceed to sleep with her regardless. What if she had told you the truth and in fact contracted an STD she didn't know about from her past boyfriend who lied to her? My point is, if you chose to sleep with her anyway then that is a risk you were willing to take. Whether she was telling you every single person she slept with or not. Personally, I just assume most people downplay it anyway so if it really concerns me then I don't proceed to have sex with that person or unprotected sex even less so. That's me though. Is it the STD or your ego, or the fact that she lied that is getting you most? Some women lie about all their past sexual partners because while some men say they don't care how many men their partners slept with, they are secretly hoping that the woman actually says "just one" When in actuality their ego's won't allow them to fully accept that women who have a few partners in the past doesn't mean they are whores any more than a man who's had a few FWB or one night stands etc. There could be many reasons why she lied to you about that guy, could be as simple a she didn't want to be judged or disappoint you in any way. Ya it isn't nice that she lied but to use the STD card now on her, I mean really how do you know you don't have a dormant STD from your past encounters? When was the last time you were tested? And if you say recently, and you are that concerned about it, then never take someone's word and don't waver on the proof you need to proceed comfortably. Actually follow though with the testing and don't sleep with them unless you have your proof.
Sunkissedpatio Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Oh hey sorry I don't know how I missed this: STAGE 2 - why it happened according to her I'd like to ask you what I shoul in light of what my gf told me yesterday regarding this situation. She admitted she lied and therefore put my health at risk because she didn't want me to judge her about her past. That she kept contact with that former lover and lied about him being a friend (for the same reason, to protect my opinion of her) even though she knew she should have told me earlier. What would you guys do? Her excuse is that since I told her about my two previous relationships where I've been cheated on, so her mentioning her lovers would be like giving me reasons not do date her, as she once cheated on her parnter several years ago and I would somehow find out. Is that a lot of bs, or what? Hmmm that sounds a bit sketch. She cheated on a partner before and didn't what to tell you about a guy paying her special attention on FB for fear you might think she'll do the same.... I dunnow could go both ways she could be full of it, or she could be telling you the truth and while this guy may be hung up on her she could very well just be looking at him as friend. If you keep her you now are discovering things about her you will need to watch closer.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Putting myself in your shoes, all of this would be a deal breaker. Red flag #1 - A potential partner refusing to get an STD. I don't care who they are or how many partners they've had or how many condoms they strapped on, if your new partner feels more comfortable getting tested then what's the problem?? Why not just get it done and everyone be happy? Red flag #2 - She flat out LIED to you and indeed put your health at risk. I don't care if stats say that 80% of people are walking around with herpes but just don't know it. That's no excuse to continue to be reckless and thoughtless, especially of other people. Red flag #3 - She has a history of CHEATING on her past partner. And to add insult to injury, she continues to text with a past lover whilst in a relationship with you. Sorry OP, I'm pretty hardcore when it comes to honesty, transparency and sexual health. This would all make me question what else is she hiding? Tap out for me.
LD1990 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 The problem is you can't trust this girl and she has no boundaries, making her a poor choice for a relationship. Trust me, it's better to get out now after 4 months than a year or two down the road when she cheats on you. It's inappropriate for someone who is in a relationship to allow flirtatious text messages from someone else. I know that, you know that, she knows that. If she respected her relationship with you at all, she would have shut down this guy's advances. Instead, she's fine with it, because she likes the attention and having options. Her bringing up this little sob story about how if she told you the truth, you wouldn't want to date her, is a crock of ****. Here's the real reason she didn't tell you she used to screw this guy - because she knew if she did, you'd be a lot more upset that he's still texting her and calling her these little pet names. Her interests are entirely self-serving here. She has already lied to you and misled you multiple times only a few months in to this relationship. How can you ever take her word for anything at this point? You can't trust her, she has cheated on boyfriends before, I guarantee she'll do the same to you. Her actions demonstrate that. 1
jen1447 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 I don't get why ppl are so averse to STD testing ....I think I see my doctor more than her husband does. (At least if the Christmas list rank is any indication. )
fromheart Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 The part that stands out to me is the fact that she's not been closing this guy down. That suggest that she's keeping him as a back up option in case it doesn't work out with you, which is an indication of her insecurity. Personally, I would call it a day. Been there, it never works out after that. Her behavior clearly isn't what you're looking for, and this should be a honeymoon period. It's good that you're aware of sexual health, but try and relax about it also. We try to remain as healthy, safe as we can but there are risks involved in everything we do.
Bialy Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 I don't understand why she'd be averse to getting an STD test. What's the big deal? I wouldn't trust her --- and if I were you, I'd get tested again to make sure she didn't give you anything asymptomatic. Having said that, if I was you, I would have said that ABSOLUTELY a test is necessary. Never take anyone's word for it. You gave her a free pass because she said was in a monogamous relationship -- it doesn't sound like you're THAT serious about catching an STD if you were willing to take a risk.
bubbaganoosh Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 In the first place, the first time you went to bed with her, the condom should have been used until you were sure that all was cool. Taking someones word has no value and that and two bucks will get you a cup of coffee. She's lied to you and it seems like she thinks she must be immune to any and all STD's. Move one and find someone with a better mindset or pay the price down the road. 1
salparadise Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Now, almost everyday she gets a text from a dude, she said was just a "friend". [...] I kept asking and asked if they had sex, she said they had numerous times before she met me. Yup, what everyone else said re: testing... plus I'd say there's a pretty good chance that she hasn't actually cut this other guy off. I mean seriously, what are the chances that he'd still be texting pet names on a daily basis four months after the last time they were together? Her obfuscation of the nature of that "friendship," combined with a demonstrated propensity for creative versioning, cheating in past relationships, etc... Eh, I'd have a hard time placing all of my eggs in that basket, and when your gut is telling you something isn't congruent, it's usually because something isn't congruent. Basically, she phukked up the beginning of what might've been a beautiful, long-term relationship by feeding you a customized narrative, and now you know that whatever she's telling you is some version, and it may still be spinning. It's important for people of integrity entering a new relationship to be absolutely truthful even about seemingly insignificant stuff, because trust is a big deal. She blew it. There are no mulligans on integrity. It's a character trait.
Author slingchilders Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 (edited) Update, after talking to her today. Today when I kept talking about the situation she admitted she even lied about the fact that the sex they had was while using condoms. They did it unprotected. And she admitted she knew about STDs, etc. but was afraid of I'd think about her. So she completely willinglly risked my health, and continued to lie about it after the whole matter came up, and made up the part that the sex was safe. So she accused me of being paranoid about STDs using a false pretense. Also I learnt just before she met me she considered going abroad to him which she didn't mention to me. She used to consider him as boyfriend material - though lied to me about him being just a friend - and now keeps telling me that she didn't for a long time, even before she met me. But nothing indicates that. She even said that overtly she didn't turn down his advances, but didn't treat him seriously (but still wanted to go abroad to see him, I don't get that part?) What do you guys think? What should I do, I'm completely lost. Edited July 21, 2016 by slingchilders
Miss Peach Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 I do understand her side of things a bit. It's easy as a woman to attract a lot of attention and admirers. IME many guys out there cannot handle it (even knowing this stuff is in a woman's past and not during the relationship). Having said that, aside of the lying, it doesn't sound like she's ready to be emotionally invested in a monogamous relationship with you. That doesn't bode well if you are looking for a serious, potentially LTR with her. When I'm really serious about a guy, I get ride of the admirers and orbiters as much as I can.
PinkSunset Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 She's not trustworthy. I would break up with her. You'll always question whether or not she is lying to you now. She also has not told this guy to F off, when she should have because she likes the attention from him. She sounds like an insecure, immature, lying person. She also put you at risk of an STD when you stated it was important to you to get tested. She has no respect for you either. Continue to be a doormat or find someone more suited for you. She's a shyt show.
Recommended Posts