sdj1991 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Thanks to anyone who replies, I have a couple questions I want to ask to just work out if either myself or girlfriend is overreacting in either situation. If anyone could give their thoughts that would be great. I have been with my girlfriend for 14 months, we get a long really well and the relationship as a whole is the best I have been in, it is my third relationship now. We just have a couple of problems that we need to sort out and we both feel differently in each situation. Problem 1, Last July I went out with my girlfriend for her best mates birthday, I didn't know anyone as I had only been seeing my girlfriend for 2 months at this point. There was 6 of us in total, my girlfriend was friends with them all. At an early point in the night, my girlfriends best mates boyfriend started getting quite close to my girlfriend, he was saying things like 'your tits look good tonight' and 'if i wasnt with your best mate I would give it to you'. Bearing in mind I had just met this guy an hour or so earlier I didn't want to cause a scene and I just listened to it, this guy was drunk by this point and he said to me I hope you don't feel I am being disrespectful and I said yes you are a bit and he just shrugged it off. A few hours later in the night after a few more drinks I kicked off out of nowhere, I was thrown out of the club and I don't know what caused it but I am assuming it was to do with how this guy was with my girlfriend a few hours earlier. I waited for them all to come out and tried to apologise but none of them were having any of it, my girlfriend was upset and this guy was trying to get to me but it had to be broken up. It has been a year now since this happened, I have seen my girlfriends best mate a few times and we are fine however have not seen her boyfriend since. My girlfriend said today that it needs to be sorted out as her and her best mate have drifted apart because myself and her best mates boyfriend don't get on. I have admitted that I was wrong for kicking off in the end in the club but I also feel that my girlfriends best mates boyfriend was wrong for what he said, am I right to feel that way? Problem 2, This one isn't so long lol. Before me and my girlfriend got together we worked together and were good mates. We were sleeping together for around 3 months before we actually became official. 2 weeks before we became official a mutual friend of ours came onto me and I ended up making out with her, nothing else happened. Since then my girlfriend has not spoke to her and says she doesn't want me talking to her either. She said that this girl knew how much my girlfriend liked me and she shouldn't have come onto me. We were all good mates for a while and this drunk kiss happened when I was single, Is my girlfriend overreacting or should it be OK for me to still talk to this girl? This girl has tried speaking to me a couple times in the last few months and have ignored her due to my girlfriend feeling I shouldn't know her anymore, I get she is mad for what this girl did but is it too much me not even being able to talk to her, I am not sure from her point of view and this is why I am asking The main problem is the first one, I want my girlfriend and her best mate to see more of each other and for the four of us to be able to be close and I want to try and make things good with her boyfriend but I don't feel like it was all me to blame for what happened that night. Any thoughts? thanks
VeveCakes Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Your gfs friends bf is a douche. Was his gf not upset about him saying that to her friend? I would just tolerate his presence but no one says you have to like the guy. Just tell your girlfriend you will try and be civil but if he acts like a douche again then it is what it is. As far as the other girl I see no reason why you need to talk to her. I can see why your gf wouldn't want you talking to her, she has boundary issues.
preraph Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Here's my two cents. On the best mate's bf coming on to your gf right in front of you and in such a crude way, I'm glad you said something to him and I honestly don't much blame you for going off on him as long as he was able to walk out of there. He is right to keep his distance. Neither you nor your gf should want him around! His gf is fine if she wants to take that pondscum's side and stick by him, but what must she be putting up with on an ongoing basis, so hard to have any respect for her. Here's the problem. Your gf should have been the one to gotten away from that guy and stood up for herself. She is who put you in a bad position to begin with by tolerating his very rude and out of bounds behavior. She should NOT be chastising you for letting this guy have it and she should be glad he's not in her life anymore. So IMO, you need to put this right back on her. She is going to tell you she didn't take it seriously, at which point you need to tell her you're not sure you would want someone with no boundaries raising any future children or ever be able to trust them. Yes this will stir up a hornet's nest, but it was his fault AND it was her fault. Together, they put you in a no-win situation. If you'd done nothing she'd see you as a wimp and he'd still be hitting on her which should eventually cause a rift between her and her best mate who's dating the cad. So please unless you really crippled the guy, stop taking the blame for this and ask her why she put you in this position and continues to blame you for that instead of herself and him. The other situation, she is quite right to leave behind a friend who she knows will try to steal a man she's dating. Keeping friends like that is a bad idea, and trust me, I know. Leave her alone about that. That is not really all your fault either. You weren't exclusive. She can be mad about it at you because she was apparently invested at the time, but it was a one-time deal and her friend wasn't loyal. She kept you even though on some level she thought you were disloyal, but then you became exclusive, so it should be behind you so leave her alone about nixing the disloyal friend. Best she's gone. Block her and don't communicate with her or you ARE disloyal still. Good luck. 1
Author sdj1991 Posted July 20, 2016 Author Posted July 20, 2016 Your gfs friends bf is a douche. Was his gf not upset about him saying that to her friend? I would just tolerate his presence but no one says you have to like the guy. Just tell your girlfriend you will try and be civil but if he acts like a douche again then it is what it is. As far as the other girl I see no reason why you need to talk to her. I can see why your gf wouldn't want you talking to her, she has boundary issues. When my gfs friends bf was coming onto my gf, my gf's mate was in the smoking area and it was just three of us. Considering I had just met him it wasn't a great first impression of him, for him to say he hoped he wasn't being disrespectful, he knew he was being just that. I am a calm person and don't ask for trouble, I let it go because i didn't no anyone and didn't want to cause a scene but feel after a lot of drink it all came out and which is why i got kicked out the club in the end, it must have just got to me the more drunk I got. After the night out I spoke to my girlfriends friend via text to apologise for kicking off in the end and I explained how I felt her bf was being towards my gf, and she told me that her bf said he was just being complementing to my gf but we all know he wasn't but his gf bought it. My gf says there have been many rumours in the past of this guy cheating on her best friend and I am not surprised but my gfs mate seems oblivious to it all. As for the second problem, i have been thinking about it from my girlfriends point of view and understand how she feels. I wouldn't like it if a mutual friend of ours came onto my soon to be girlfriend with them knowing full well we were close, I will still continue to not communicate with the other girl.
Author sdj1991 Posted July 20, 2016 Author Posted July 20, 2016 Here's the problem. Your gf should have been the one to gotten away from that guy and stood up for herself. She is who put you in a bad position to begin with by tolerating his very rude and out of bounds behavior. She should NOT be chastising you for letting this guy have it and she should be glad he's not in her life anymore. So IMO, you need to put this right back on her. She is going to tell you she didn't take it seriously, at which point you need to tell her you're not sure you would want someone with no boundaries raising any future children or ever be able to trust them. Yes this will stir up a hornet's nest, but it was his fault AND it was her fault. Together, they put you in a no-win situation. If you'd done nothing she'd see you as a wimp and he'd still be hitting on her which should eventually cause a rift between her and her best mate who's dating the cad. So please unless you really crippled the guy, stop taking the blame for this and ask her why she put you in this position and continues to blame you for that instead of herself and him. Good luck. The day after the night out last year, I brought this up with my girlfriend. When this douche was coming onto her she was just laughing and taking it all in, I felt she should have said something as she knows the guy a lot better then I do. She said she didn't know what to say as she felt awkward, but it just didn't look good to me, in my opinion she should have said something, especially as it is her best mates bf. This has only recently come up again as it is her best mates bday again soon and she is going to see her best mate and her douche bf tomorrow. It just annoyed me my girlfriend telling me that the guy is going to be there tomorrow but Im not one to stop her from doing anything, she just doesn't seem to see why I have a problem with this guy. I don't feel like it should be me making the effort to try and make up with him, If he hadn't acted the way he did none of this would ever have happened.
SensitiveTJ Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 The fact that your girlfriend isn't taking any steps to check that other guy's behavior would concern me. Either she has no backbone, or she finds his advances pleasing. As you can see, both explanations are upsetting. 1
Author sdj1991 Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 The fact that your girlfriend isn't taking any steps to check that other guy's behavior would concern me. Either she has no backbone, or she finds his advances pleasing. As you can see, both explanations are upsetting. I think its a bit of both. I brought this problem up again last night and she is still adament i could have done more. Yes i could have, i could have really told him how i felt which would have led to a fall out there and then but seeing i knew none of these people i didnt want to ruin this night and the best friends birthday. I could have done more but she done nothing to let him know it wasnt right how he acted she just invited it even more.
preraph Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 The day after the night out last year, I brought this up with my girlfriend. When this douche was coming onto her she was just laughing and taking it all in, I felt she should have said something as she knows the guy a lot better then I do. She said she didn't know what to say as she felt awkward, but it just didn't look good to me, in my opinion she should have said something, especially as it is her best mates bf. This has only recently come up again as it is her best mates bday again soon and she is going to see her best mate and her douche bf tomorrow. It just annoyed me my girlfriend telling me that the guy is going to be there tomorrow but Im not one to stop her from doing anything, she just doesn't seem to see why I have a problem with this guy. I don't feel like it should be me making the effort to try and make up with him, If he hadn't acted the way he did none of this would ever have happened. There is the possibility that she knows he's a general douche who says this kind of crap to all females, but that is NO reason to expect your BF to put up with it in front of him. She says she felt awkward as if that's an excuse for continuing to expose herself to him. It's going to end in a big mess and in the end she'll probably lose her bestie over it because she'll get the blame, so hold on and let the situation implode, and then maybe you will have some peace. Good luck.
Author sdj1991 Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 Yeah my girlfriend knows he is a douche, he apparntly flirts and is inpropriate with a lot of his girlfriends mates. My girlfriend says to me if she tells her mate what happend that night that it will cause problems and she will fall out with her mate. I am just going to keep quiet and see if the douche ever apologises for how he was or if he will continue to make out he done nothing wrong. Either way i know its not up to me to sort this out.
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