Frustrated with gf's anxiety

[avoforastig]

I have been seeing my gf for about 2 years. I feel terrible for saying this, but her anxiety is making me have second thoughts about our relationship. She sees a therapist but I feel the situation is not improving, especially over the past year.

 

Her anxiety causes conflict between me and her when it makes a seemingly innocuous and pleasurable experience a production. i feel like her anxiety is big concern as often times things that are important and fun for me are met with anxiety and resistance. I feel resistant to commit to her long term as I don't want these innocuous and fun things to always turn into an ordeal.

 

I feel lost and confused. Any advice/thoughts if you hated dated someone with anxiety or depression?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sorry to hear this OP. My ex husband is in a relationship with someone who has multiple issues, anxiety being one of the worst and trust me when I tell you, it doesn't get better.

 

There are meds one can take to take the edge off but so much of dealing with anxiety long term is mental. It requires a shift in one's mindset with strategies to help one recognize triggers and overcome them without turning over the apple cart every time.

 

But that takes time and takes a LOT of effort on the part of the person diagnosed. Like anything, with enough practice, consistent and thoughtful practice there can be a good outcome. If not, it can and will take a major toll on everyone involved, including relationships.

[Redhead14]

I have been seeing my gf for about 2 years. I feel terrible for saying this, but her anxiety is making me have second thoughts about our relationship. She sees a therapist but I feel the situation is not improving, especially over the past year.

 

Her anxiety causes conflict between me and her when it makes a seemingly innocuous and pleasurable experience a production. i feel like her anxiety is big concern as often times things that are important and fun for me are met with anxiety and resistance. I feel resistant to commit to her long term as I don't want these innocuous and fun things to always turn into an ordeal.

 

I feel lost and confused. Any advice/thoughts if you hated dated someone with anxiety or depression?

 

You are not lost and confused. You have identified a significant roadblock to developing or having a meaningful and stable relationship. This is part of the process of dating and evaluating. It's simply a fact that somethings make it so difficult to stay in a relationship and that it may need to end.

 

The situation is not improving. You've invested a year of evaluating and so, if I were you, I certainly wouldn't ask her to marry you or live with her. She needs to continue with counseling and get herself on her own path to being a secure, independent and emotionally healthy woman.

 

If you want to continue to attempt sticking it out with her, you're going to need couples counseling. You're going to need support and a greater insight to her anxiety issues, the cause, etc. It's been two years with her, that is a reasonable expectation at this point. However, I think you should move on for your own sake. You will find it very difficult to be a good partner to her if this is causing you so much stress and concern.

 

I don't want these innocuous and fun things to always turn into an ordeal.

-- There is nothing innocuous about not having your own needs met without conflict or it being an ordeal. It's the heart of the matter in a relationship. Having your needs met and the ability to communicate are lacking and so the relationship isn't healthy anyway.

[Dork Vader]

Okay what is the root cause of the anxiety? Is she OCD? OCPD? Bipolar? What is the diagnosis? If she is seeing a therapist, she should have that pinned down if she is being honest with the therapist. If bot she may want to see a psychiatrist so she can get a definitive answer.

 

It is impossible to treat anxiety unless the cause of it is determined. It would be like trying to treat an pneumonia, while only knowing the person has a fever.

 

That said when you find out what the root cause is, then you can learn how best to help her grow. I'm OCD and there are books on helping friends and family learn how to deal with it and me. I'm also medicated for it, the difference is literally night and day.

 

She and you can both get beyond the anxiety or at the very least make it less of an issue in your relationship. But it is going to take patience and work on both ends.

[biker23]

I find it so difficult to make these decisions especially if I love everything else about someone. Isnt it your job to help them? But after some recent experiences, I feel you really need to evaluate moving on. How long do you want to feel this way if she never changes?

 

Sometimes you need to look at compatibility and be selfish. (hard for me to even type that)

[SensitiveTJ]

I find it so difficult to make these decisions especially if I love everything else about someone. Isnt it your job to help them? But after some recent experiences, I feel you really need to evaluate moving on. How long do you want to feel this way if she never changes?

 

Sometimes you need to look at compatibility and be selfish. (hard for me to even type that)

 

That's your problem. It's not your job to fix anyone, even assuming you had the tools to do so.

[Redhead14]

I find it so difficult to make these decisions especially if I love everything else about someone. Isnt it your job to help them? But after some recent experiences, I feel you really need to evaluate moving on. How long do you want to feel this way if she never changes?

 

Sometimes you need to look at compatibility and be selfish. (hard for me to even type that)

 

Isnt it your job to help them? -- It can't be your job to help a person with these kinds of issues. You don't have the skill set. All you can do is encourage and support the efforts they are making for themselves. And, if after a sufficient period of time, the effort they are making isn't enough and you are not finding some relief yourself, you owe it to both you and your partner to let it go.

 

In addition, you two are not married, you are boyfriend and girlfriend and this is the period of evaluation for both of you to decide/figure out if the relationship can support a marriage or living together. If you were married, and this situation came up, you would be obligated to work as hard as she is, if she is, and do more to at least facilitate.

[avoforastig]

You are not lost and confused. You have identified a significant roadblock to developing or having a meaningful and stable relationship. This is part of the process of dating and evaluating. It's simply a fact that somethings make it so difficult to stay in a relationship and that it may need to end.

 

The situation is not improving. You've invested a year of evaluating and so, if I were you, I certainly wouldn't ask her to marry you or live with her. She needs to continue with counseling and get herself on her own path to being a secure, independent and emotionally healthy woman.

 

If you want to continue to attempt sticking it out with her, you're going to need couples counseling. You're going to need support and a greater insight to her anxiety issues, the cause, etc. It's been two years with her, that is a reasonable expectation at this point. However, I think you should move on for your own sake. You will find it very difficult to be a good partner to her if this is causing you so much stress and concern.

 

I don't want these innocuous and fun things to always turn into an ordeal.

-- There is nothing innocuous about not having your own needs met without conflict or it being an ordeal. It's the heart of the matter in a relationship. Having your needs met and the ability to communicate are lacking and so the relationship isn't healthy anyway.

 

It's difficult to explain the complexities of her anxiety. I know she is frustrated with the overwhelming feelings and wants to change. I don't feel like her therapist is providing meaningful results. I've confronted her about it and she lashes out stating that it does help.

 

Her anxiety doesn't always cause disruption. Like anything, there is a spectrum of severity levels. It's not something that causes problems always. However, when it does cause a conflict with my personal fulfillment, it makes me angry towards her. I inevitably get overwhelmed and lash out towards her.

 

It's complicated as she states that she is an introvert while I'm an extrovert. I can't help but wonder if it's actually the anxiety that prevents her from wanting to do a lot of the social activities I yearn for. However, she seems to swallow her discomforts or conflicts with everyone else in her life but me.

 

The anxiety seems to come in waves. She will be fine for 1-2 months and then be disturbed you the anxiety for 1-2weeks, especially when there is a life stressor.

 

Any additional advice or thoughts are appreciated. Thanks.

[Snow_Queen]

What type of behavior does she display when you go out? Does she fear anything which may be preventing her from participating? Is she also prone to panic attacks? Anxiety is all about fear so I bet something is scaring her about all of this.

 

Also, there is one thing to consider which may not have crossed your mind. Having a mental illness of any kind is essentially a disability. There are some things that your gf will simply be unable to do. I know this because I experience this first hand. There are certain I'll never be able to do and I have accepted that.

 

It sounds like this may be your issue. If you really want to work this out, you must accept these limitations. Either way, know there is nothing wrong with either of you. This could very well be a case of incompatibility.

[avoforastig]

What type of behavior does she display when you go out? Does she fear anything which may be preventing her from participating? Is she also prone to panic attacks? Anxiety is all about fear so I bet something is scaring her about all of this.

 

Also, there is one thing to consider which may not have crossed your mind. Having a mental illness of any kind is essentially a disability. There are some things that your gf will simply be unable to do. I know this because I experience this first hand. There are certain I'll never be able to do and I have accepted that.

 

It sounds like this may be your issue. If you really want to work this out, you must accept these limitations. Either way, know there is nothing wrong with either of you. This could very well be a case of incompatibility.

 

When/How do you know when you are just not compatible vs. this is something that can be worked through? Is it wrong for me to just want some things to be easy? I feel like she expects me to always be on the lookout for a situation which could cause her anxiety, and that I just don't think is fair or possible. I'm nearly 33 yo and I've had one serious relationship fail in the past. The thought of being single isn't an attractive one. Unfortunately, I didn't start dating a lot until my mid-20s.

 

I feel guilty for being frustrated with her. However, there doesn't seem to be any source of accountability for the behavior or her treatment. Ive repeatedly asked for her goals in therapy and they are never provided to me. I'm not sure goals actually exist. She gives me a vague idea what happens at her therapy sessions. She doesn't open up about it easily because I've reacted harshly towards her anxiety due to my frustration a few times.

 

I feel like breaking up with her would be a relief at times. That being said, I care for her and she is a great person.

[Namasteppl]

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living with someone who is probably only going to get worse? You think you're frustrated now? Wait till kids are involved.

 

There are millions of other women out there. There is nothing inherently special about any one woman. Break up with her and find someone who is much more compatible with you and won't give you so much stress.

[basil67]

It sounds to me like you've got one foot out the door and are wanting validation that it's OK to leave. And it is OK to leave.

 

I'm of the school of thought that a relationship should be easy. It should be your place of comfort and where you go to recharge. This isn't it.

[Lorenza]

She sounds like me from 5-6 years ago. I was also preventing my then boyfriend's personal development, ruining his social life and bugging him with my fears and anxiety attacks. Every step he took seemed to be against me an my needs. I went to the therapist and it helped, he even participated in many of my visits.

 

What I can tell that this type of anxiety isn't completely uncontrolable. But a lot depends on an enabler - a person who tolerates that kind of behavior. If she's seeing a therapist, she most likely is aware of what she's doing and maybe even figured out her reasons, but continues to act that way (aka throwing tantrums whenever you are about to do something for yourself) because she knows she can get away with it. I feel like people put way more effort into managing their psychological disorders when they feel like they might actually lose the person they're with if they don't. I know that my dealing with anxiety halted because my boyfriend stack with me even though I was so controlling with him.

 

I got much better when we broke up and even he could finally breath. If you think she might be too forgiving to herself and not trying to improve because you enable her, maybe you should let her go. But this is just an opinion, I'm in no way a psychologist, so I'm just basing it on my own experience.

[bachdude]

Hi OP, I'm wondering if you have ever had an anxiety attack of any sort. Here is why I ask,

 

 

I was with a woman who has problems with anxiety and it annoyed me, as you describe in your post. Although I don't have an anxiety problem, there was an event in my life that set off an anxiety attack. I never experienced it before and I will say it was horrible. Afterwards I realized that there are people in the world that suffer from that feeling on a regular basis. I can't imagine feeling that regularly. It gave me a new perspective and empathy towards people with anxiety issues.

 

 

What you describe doesn't seem insurmountable. If she can go for two months without anxiety issues, with proper counseling she most likely can work through her problem.

 

 

But perhaps what might help your annoyance is to imagine what it is like to be her. She is struggling. And really, the last thing a person needs who is experiencing anxiety or panic is someone yelling at them or being annoyed.

 

 

If you really feel you are not able to provide the support she needs with her struggles, then perhaps let her go so she can be with someone who will be that support for her. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But being in a relationship with someone with anxiety issues isn't for everyone.

[Redhead14]

It's difficult to explain the complexities of her anxiety. I know she is frustrated with the overwhelming feelings and wants to change. I don't feel like her therapist is providing meaningful results. I've confronted her about it and she lashes out stating that it does help.

 

Her anxiety doesn't always cause disruption. Like anything, there is a spectrum of severity levels. It's not something that causes problems always. However, when it does cause a conflict with my personal fulfillment, it makes me angry towards her. I inevitably get overwhelmed and lash out towards her.

 

It's complicated as she states that she is an introvert while I'm an extrovert. I can't help but wonder if it's actually the anxiety that prevents her from wanting to do a lot of the social activities I yearn for. However, she seems to swallow her discomforts or conflicts with everyone else in her life but me.

 

The anxiety seems to come in waves. She will be fine for 1-2 months and then be disturbed you the anxiety for 1-2weeks, especially when there is a life stressor.

 

Any additional advice or thoughts are appreciated. Thanks.

 

I don't feel like her therapist is providing meaningful results -- How long has your girlfriend been in therapy? People often have unrealistic expectations about "progress". If your girlfriends anxiety issues have been with her for a long time, and depending on the root causes, which could be extreme, it's not going to resolve quickly. It took years for this to get to the point it's at, it takes years to get relief. The other thing about people's expectations regarding progress is that the therapist can only work with a client and provide some tools for managing anxiety, it's up to the client to put those tools into use. Some clients take quite some time to reveal information to the therapist that sheds light on root causes, etc. My point is that the therapist is not "responsible" for the progress of a client, they are only responsible for providing insight and tools. The therapist must also tread lightly into delving into history as well for the sake of caution and avoiding triggering a client's trauma, whatever that may be, and overwhelming the client at any given time. So, they need to allow the client to reveal at their own pace as much as possible and a little bit at a time. Like a tea kettle releasing steam so as to not boil over.

 

I still recommend couples counseling if your girlfriend is willing to participate and if she's been in therapy for quite a while and/or, if your girlfriend and therapist will allow it, you meet with her therapist for the purpose of being educated about how to deal when you GF has been triggered -- She will be fine for 1-2 months and then be disturbed you the anxiety for 1-2weeks, especially when there is a life stressor.

 

she seems to swallow her discomforts or conflicts with everyone else in her life but me. -- Well, being able to manage her discomforts in other areas of her life and not within a relationship is a significant clue that I hope she has been made aware of. Your girlfriend may not have made an association like that, but it is interesting. But, there is a secondary effect -- Essentially, what she is doing is repressing and dissociating from stress and conflict and it's not that she isn't doing that with you, it's simply that you are around when her coping mechanism fails her and you are the target or "victim" of that breakdown and/or the activator on some level.

 

I inevitably get overwhelmed and lash out towards her. -- This is taking it's toll on you. And, you must get a handle on this for your own good and hers. You need to simply start doing more things for yourself that you enjoy doing and give yourself a break and do it without feeling guilt.

 

It's complicated as she states that she is an introvert while I'm an extrovert -- This may or may not be the truth of the issue. An "introvert" with her presentation (according to your description) is just an easier way to view her condition. The fact is that with the kind of anxiety she experiences, she doesn't have any idea what kind of social personality she has or could have. The anxiety removes her ability to really explore "herself" as a social creature.

 

It is very important that you support her relationship with the therapist if she herself is happy with and finding it helpful. That is not for you to criticize. She is going and therefore, must be getting something out of it. She would not continue if there wasn't something there she found beneficial. That is actually the best thing she could tell you. She needs to talk, talk, talk and she's apparently found someone she can do that with with some degree of comfort. Encourage it, don't bash.

 

I can't emphasis enough to you, since it appears you are not willing to give up on this, that you at least get counseling yourself and get some tools for yourself and some insight from an experienced professional as to how to deal with things with her. The more frustrated you become, the more difficult this will be.

[todreaminblue]

I struggle with anxiety ...have frequent attacks...and that is what they are...attacks.....attacks against me and my well being....if i get really anxious with life stressors..or events..i become physically ill....my hair goes grey really quickly...and i stay home bound.....if i take on too much..i become anxious about performance and capabilities i have and i get sick....so ...i know anxiety

 

 

ill try and push myself to do things...like speak in public in front of people...that sort of thing...i will try and do things to get me out of the house...but its a process....with setbacks and successes..

 

 

have you ever experienced a time when you felt you needed to run away or something bad was going to happen? or have you ever experienced a time where you have had to fight...the moment before you had to fight that feeling you get that sick realization you are going to be hurt either way you move and that you are stuck being unable to run away....my anxiety o fpublic humiliation or harm comes from a childhood where i was stoned by teens as a kid and ....publicly humiliated ...beaten in public.....in both cases i was surrounded and unable to get away...to tell the truth...i knew that even before the beating and stoning started i was going to be really hurt...in both cases...i chose not to fight and just stand there like a retard till i fell..too many for em to fight my way out...........thats a sick realization deep down in your gut you cant win....and you cant stop the pain.........

 

there have been times my anxiety was justified......anxiety stems from some thing..an occurrence...a trial.......some time....or someone......a past trauma or stress..or a few as in my case.....like for example.....ptsd includes high anxiety...extreme fear and isolation and or absence from help at the time of the occurrence....

 

 

the last thing i would ever want is a guy to stay with me or feel obligated to stay with me because i am a great person(other than my anxiety and other flaws of course) who couldnt handle that i have anxiety...its one reason i know that often people with issues are attracted to similar people who can empathize with those issues...makes life...easier on both counts..for both peoples..if you are with a partner who doesnt get annoyed at your flaws..and can have empathy for your struggles...

 

 

with me ......there's part of me that has anxiety that part disassociates when it gets too bad...not actually a good thing but anyway...your gf....has anxiety......its not something that really ever completely goes away.....or can be counted on to be completely healed...it can be managed...like any mental or emotional illness........and she probably cant disassociate either....

 

they say the metal of a relationship is tested by how you live with someones imperfections not their perfections......maybe your gf just isnt the right person for you...i think you need to be honest with her in a caring way as you care for her...honesty is caring about her..if honesty is from your heart......so talk to her about how you really feel about her anxiety and see what happens...and be kind about it..deb

Edited July 20, 2016 by todreaminblue

[avoforastig]

I don't feel like her therapist is providing meaningful results -- How long has your girlfriend been in therapy? People often have unrealistic expectations about "progress". If your girlfriends anxiety issues have been with her for a long time, and depending on the root causes, which could be extreme, it's not going to resolve quickly. It took years for this to get to the point it's at, it takes years to get relief. The other thing about people's expectations regarding progress is that the therapist can only work with a client and provide some tools for managing anxiety, it's up to the client to put those tools into use. Some clients take quite some time to reveal information to the therapist that sheds light on root causes, etc. My point is that the therapist is not "responsible" for the progress of a client, they are only responsible for providing insight and tools. The therapist must also tread lightly into delving into history as well for the sake of caution and avoiding triggering a client's trauma, whatever that may be, and overwhelming the client at any given time. So, they need to allow the client to reveal at their own pace as much as possible and a little bit at a time. Like a tea kettle releasing steam so as to not boil over.

 

I still recommend couples counseling if your girlfriend is willing to participate and if she's been in therapy for quite a while and/or, if your girlfriend and therapist will allow it, you meet with her therapist for the purpose of being educated about how to deal when you GF has been triggered -- She will be fine for 1-2 months and then be disturbed you the anxiety for 1-2weeks, especially when there is a life stressor.

 

she seems to swallow her discomforts or conflicts with everyone else in her life but me. -- Well, being able to manage her discomforts in other areas of her life and not within a relationship is a significant clue that I hope she has been made aware of. Your girlfriend may not have made an association like that, but it is interesting. But, there is a secondary effect -- Essentially, what she is doing is repressing and dissociating from stress and conflict and it's not that she isn't doing that with you, it's simply that you are around when her coping mechanism fails her and you are the target or "victim" of that breakdown and/or the activator on some level.

 

I inevitably get overwhelmed and lash out towards her. -- This is taking it's toll on you. And, you must get a handle on this for your own good and hers. You need to simply start doing more things for yourself that you enjoy doing and give yourself a break and do it without feeling guilt.

 

It's complicated as she states that she is an introvert while I'm an extrovert -- This may or may not be the truth of the issue. An "introvert" with her presentation (according to your description) is just an easier way to view her condition. The fact is that with the kind of anxiety she experiences, she doesn't have any idea what kind of social personality she has or could have. The anxiety removes her ability to really explore "herself" as a social creature.

 

It is very important that you support her relationship with the therapist if she herself is happy with and finding it helpful. That is not for you to criticize. She is going and therefore, must be getting something out of it. She would not continue if there wasn't something there she found beneficial. That is actually the best thing she could tell you. She needs to talk, talk, talk and she's apparently found someone she can do that with with some degree of comfort. Encourage it, don't bash.

 

I can't emphasis enough to you, since it appears you are not willing to give up on this, that you at least get counseling yourself and get some tools for yourself and some insight from an experienced professional as to how to deal with things with her. The more frustrated you become, the more difficult this will be.

 

I sadly have experienced a phobia in the past which caused me a great deal of anxiety. I do feel horrible for her when she experiences the anxiety and am able to relate to how she feels. I was able to conquer the phobia in a relatively brief period of time. However, socializing is among the most fulfilling activities in my life. When eating dinner in a busy restaurant triggers anxiety for her, which then makes me uncomfortable, you can imagine the mental tug of war that occurs. On one hand I feel bad for her and want to console her but on the other I need to have a way to unwind myself.

 

I guess I get frustrated because I feel like her behavior can revolve around avoiding triggers instead of facing them and conquering them.

 

Most of the conflicts we have stem from my desire to socialize. She always claims to be an introvert but I can't help but think there is more to it.

 

She had been seeing the therapist for two years. I am not a mental health pefessional but it seems as if things are staying the same or getting worse.

[Snow_Queen]

When/How do you know when you are just not compatible vs. this is something that can be worked through? Is it wrong for me to just want some things to be easy? I feel like she expects me to always be on the lookout for a situation which could cause her anxiety, and that I just don't think is fair or possible. I'm nearly 33 yo and I've had one serious relationship fail in the past. The thought of being single isn't an attractive one. Unfortunately, I didn't start dating a lot until my mid-20s.

 

I feel guilty for being frustrated with her. However, there doesn't seem to be any source of accountability for the behavior or her treatment. Ive repeatedly asked for her goals in therapy and they are never provided to me. I'm not sure goals actually exist. She gives me a vague idea what happens at her therapy sessions. She doesn't open up about it easily because I've reacted harshly towards her anxiety due to my frustration a few times.

 

I feel like breaking up with her would be a relief at times. That being said, I care for her and she is a great person.

 

You're incompatible when you can't get along in most cases. Different values and ideas also contribute to this. My opinion is you should find someone more suitable to your needs.

 

In regards to her therapy: Honestly, I don't understand why she needs to share everything she discusses with her therapist. Therapy usually involves disclosing some very personal things and I would have the same reaction as her. What are you expecting from her as far as goals? That is something a therapist usually gives a patient in this case. They tend to track the patient's progress to determine what type of help (medication/therapy, etc.) is required. Anxiety isn't curable as far as I know.

 

When someone has an illness, it often takes patience for those around them. Some people experience fatigue, others take a while to open up, physical pain can limit someone...so many things to deal with. Many of these people are also great to know but if you're not naturally patient then it's difficult. Do what's best for you.

[Snow_Queen]

I sadly have experienced a phobia in the past which caused me a great deal of anxiety. I do feel horrible for her when she experiences the anxiety and am able to relate to how she feels. I was able to conquer the phobia in a relatively brief period of time. However, socializing is among the most fulfilling activities in my life. When eating dinner in a busy restaurant triggers anxiety for her, which then makes me uncomfortable, you can imagine the mental tug of war that occurs. On one hand I feel bad for her and want to console her but on the other I need to have a way to unwind myself.

 

I guess I get frustrated because I feel like her behavior can revolve around avoiding triggers instead of facing them and conquering them.

 

Most of the conflicts we have stem from my desire to socialize. She always claims to be an introvert but I can't help but think there is more to it.

 

She had been seeing the therapist for two years. I am not a mental health pefessional but it seems as if things are staying the same or getting worse.

 

Now I'm even more certain you two simply aren't compatible. You have different expectations and needs. Yes, you can avoid what triggers attacks but it isn't a guarantee. Anxiety revolves around irrational fears of certain situations.

[katiegrl]

I sadly have experienced a phobia in the past which caused me a great deal of anxiety. I do feel horrible for her when she experiences the anxiety and am able to relate to how she feels. I was able to conquer the phobia in a relatively brief period of time.

 

However, socializing is among the most fulfilling activities in my life. When eating dinner in a busy restaurant triggers anxiety for her, which then makes me uncomfortable, you can imagine the mental tug of war that occurs. On one hand I feel bad for her and want to console her but on the other I need to have a way to unwind myself.

 

I guess I get frustrated because I feel like her behavior can revolve around avoiding triggers instead of facing them and conquering them.

 

Most of the conflicts we have stem from my desire to socialize. She always claims to be an introvert but I can't help but think there is more to it.

 

She had been seeing the therapist for two years. I am not a mental health pefessional but it seems as if things are staying the same or getting worse.

 

Maybe I am missing something, but from what you've posted, this RL appears to revolve around your needs and what's comfortable for you.

 

What about her needs and what's comfortable for her?

She is an introvert (in the extreme from what it sounds like) and you are an extrovert.

 

This could work with compromise, however you don't seem to want to compromise, you want her to acquiesce to your needs and what's comfortable for you.

 

Since you are not an introvert, you have no idea what she experiences. She also may suffer from social anxiety which adds to it.

 

Instead of accepting her for all she is... and trying to understand her.... I could be wrong but it sounds like you are wanting to change her.... to become more extroverted like you... so as, again, to make YOU more comfortable, and thus the RL more enjoyable for you.

 

How would you feel if she did the same to you? Required you to not be sociable, not attend the social events you love, to be more of a homebody, like she is? So as to make things more comfortable for her?

 

Think about that. You would hate it! You would think it not fair.

 

Well that is most likely how she feels!

 

Although I am very friendly and can talk with pretty much anyone, I, too, am an introvert.

 

I HATE large groups and big parties... I am much more comfortable with close intimate friends or a one-on-one interaction. And I am very much a homebody.

 

My ex however was a HUGE extrovert. He was always on the go, loved attending large parties, and group functions, would fly all over the room talking and engaging with everyone, while I would find one or two people and chat quietly with them.

 

Or sometimes he would attend, and I would stay home (we lived together).

 

That is how we compromised. He didn't expect or demand I attend all these social activities with him...he understood I am an introvert, and all that went along with that.

 

Including lots of lone time.... and yes anxiety at times.

 

JMO but I would suggest you start thinking about her, what makes her comfortable, as well as what makes you comfortable, and work out some sort of a compromise.

 

Instead of expecting her to be more like you, placing her in situations that clearly make her uncomfortable and cause her anxiety.

 

If you are incapable of doing that, then do her (and yourself) a favor, and break up with her.

 

And find a woman who is more like you...so these issues won't arise.

Edited July 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

I sadly have experienced a phobia in the past which caused me a great deal of anxiety. I do feel horrible for her when she experiences the anxiety and am able to relate to how she feels. However, socializing is among the most fulfilling activities in my life. When eating dinner in a busy restaurant triggers anxiety for her, which then makes me uncomfortable, you can imagine the mental tug of war that occurs. On one hand I feel bad for her and want to console her but on the other I need to have a way to unwind myself.

 

I guess I get frustrated because I feel like her behavior can revolve around avoiding triggers instead of facing them and conquering them.

 

Most of the conflicts we have stem from my desire to socialize. She always claims to be an introvert but .

 

She had been seeing the therapist for two years. I am not a mental health pefessional but it seems as if things are staying the same or getting worse.

 

staying the same or getting worse -- Oftentimes, when things get worse, it's sign that she's getting better overall. As the therapy work moves forward and the client begins to touch on the deeper causes/reasons for their "condition", there will be some difficult periods because that in itself creates stress. But unless they reach down and touch on and deal with all that inner turmoil, there can be no progress. So, you may actually be seeing signs of progress. And, there will be no overnight ephiphany-like recovery. It will be a gradual transformation. Like remodeling a home, you tear down the old stuff and it's a mess for a while and then you start replacing with new. As the work progresses, you gradually see improvement until the project is done.

 

I can't help but think there is more to it -- There is more to it . . . she has social anxiety . . . It's not just being introverted. Even introverts can be social, they may be on the quiet side, but they aren't stressing or avoiding it, they just don't do alot of it nor are they fully engaged. If you are alluding to the possibility that she avoids being seen with you or something along those lines, you should not read into to assume anything like that. For now, at least, you have to simply accept the fact that she is uncomfortable in social situations and it has nothing to do with you. If she were functioning well in other situations and other aspects of her life in general, I might think that, but it doesn't appear so to me given your description of the severity of her issue. Does she work? What kind of job does she have? Does she miss work often? What kind of relationship does she have with her family?

 

You may simply have to accept the fact that the two of you simply are not compatible in terms of social activity/lifestyle choices at this point in your lives.

 

And, congratulations for overcoming your phobia, however, phobias depending on what they are, why they exist for a person are often easier, let's say, to overcome. They aren't as complicated or layered to deal with. There is usually a specific and easily identified cause for it and, therefore, the client can move past it with proper guidance, attitude, approach and simply become resolved to do it. Not that it's not a difficult process, but there aren't as many "things" involved usually.

 

I feel like her behavior can revolve around avoiding triggers instead of facing them and conquering them -- Of course, she avoids triggers, she's basically in survival mode. And, she should avoid triggers to the extent possible, until she is ready to face and deal with them, so as to not become overwhelmed and bring herself to a full on mental breakdown.

 

Again, you need to simply do things you enjoy by yourself or with friends, at least occasionally. It's unhealthy for you to put yourself in positions with her that make you and her uncomfortable. It's not fun anyway, is it?

 

You are not dealing with a broken leg where you take the person to the doctor, they set it, put a cast on it and 8 weeks later the cast is removed and all is well. This is a process, not an event that requires a ton of patience for a partner.

Edited July 21, 2016 by Redhead14

[avoforastig]

staying the same or getting worse -- Oftentimes, when things get worse, it's sign that she's getting better overall. As the therapy work moves forward and the client begins to touch on the deeper causes/reasons for their "condition", there will be some difficult periods because that in itself creates stress. But unless they reach down and touch on and deal with all that inner turmoil, there can be no progress. So, you may actually be seeing signs of progress. And, there will be no overnight ephiphany-like recovery. It will be a gradual transformation. Like remodeling a home, you tear down the old stuff and it's a mess for a while and then you start replacing with new. As the work progresses, you gradually see improvement until the project is done.

 

I can't help but think there is more to it -- There is more to it . . . she has social anxiety . . . It's not just being introverted. Even introverts can be social, they may be on the quiet side, but they aren't stressing or avoiding it, they just don't do alot of it nor are they fully engaged. If you are alluding to the possibility that she avoids being seen with you or something along those lines, you should not read into to assume anything like that. For now, at least, you have to simply accept the fact that she is uncomfortable in social situations and it has nothing to do with you. If she were functioning well in other situations and other aspects of her life in general, I might think that, but it doesn't appear so to me given your description of the severity of her issue. Does she work? What kind of job does she have? Does she miss work often? What kind of relationship does she have with her family?

 

You may simply have to accept the fact that the two of you simply are not compatible in terms of social activity/lifestyle choices at this point in your lives.

 

And, congratulations for overcoming your phobia, however, phobias depending on what they are, why they exist for a person are often easier, let's say, to overcome. They aren't as complicated or layered to deal with. There is usually a specific and easily identified cause for it and, therefore, the client can move past it with proper guidance, attitude, approach and simply become resolved to do it. Not that it's not a difficult process, but there aren't as many "things" involved usually.

 

I feel like her behavior can revolve around avoiding triggers instead of facing them and conquering them -- Of course, she avoids triggers, she's basically in survival mode. And, she should avoid triggers to the extent possible, until she is ready to face and deal with them, so as to not become overwhelmed and bring herself to a full on mental breakdown.

 

Again, you need to simply do things you enjoy by yourself or with friends, at least occasionally. It's unhealthy for you to put yourself in positions with her that make you and her uncomfortable. It's not fun anyway, is it?

 

You are not dealing with a broken leg where you take the person to the doctor, they set it, put a cast on it and 8 weeks later the cast is removed and all is well. This is a process, not an event that requires a ton of patience for a partner.

I think this article sheds some light on my view:

7 Struggles of Dating Someone With Anxiety | Love Live Health

 

"Sometimes, you may find yourself feeling angry or resentful towards a partner with anxiety (for example, if you find that your social life is inhibited or that coping with anxiety symptoms is hard work). It’s highly likely that you’ll also feel guilty for having these feelings. Here, it can help to “externalize” anxiety, seeing it as an unwelcome, intrusive third party that is making life difficult for both you and your partner. Try to direct negative feelings towards the disorder, not the person, and consistently encourage steps the person takes to put the disorder on its place."

 

Does anyone here actually have a successful relationship with a person suffering anxiety? It sounds like a lot of you have anxiety or know someone who does, but I haven't heard any success stories.

[avoforastig]

staying the same or getting worse -- Oftentimes, when things get worse, it's sign that she's getting better overall. As the therapy work moves forward and the client begins to touch on the deeper causes/reasons for their "condition", there will be some difficult periods because that in itself creates stress. But unless they reach down and touch on and deal with all that inner turmoil, there can be no progress. So, you may actually be seeing signs of progress. And, there will be no overnight ephiphany-like recovery. It will be a gradual transformation. Like remodeling a home, you tear down the old stuff and it's a mess for a while and then you start replacing with new. As the work progresses, you gradually see improvement until the project is done.

 

I can't help but think there is more to it -- There is more to it . . . she has social anxiety . . . It's not just being introverted. Even introverts can be social, they may be on the quiet side, but they aren't stressing or avoiding it, they just don't do alot of it nor are they fully engaged. If you are alluding to the possibility that she avoids being seen with you or something along those lines, you should not read into to assume anything like that. For now, at least, you have to simply accept the fact that she is uncomfortable in social situations and it has nothing to do with you. If she were functioning well in other situations and other aspects of her life in general, I might think that, but it doesn't appear so to me given your description of the severity of her issue. Does she work? What kind of job does she have? Does she miss work often? What kind of relationship does she have with her family?

 

You may simply have to accept the fact that the two of you simply are not compatible in terms of social activity/lifestyle choices at this point in your lives.

 

And, congratulations for overcoming your phobia, however, phobias depending on what they are, why they exist for a person are often easier, let's say, to overcome. They aren't as complicated or layered to deal with. There is usually a specific and easily identified cause for it and, therefore, the client can move past it with proper guidance, attitude, approach and simply become resolved to do it. Not that it's not a difficult process, but there aren't as many "things" involved usually.

 

I feel like her behavior can revolve around avoiding triggers instead of facing them and conquering them -- Of course, she avoids triggers, she's basically in survival mode. And, she should avoid triggers to the extent possible, until she is ready to face and deal with them, so as to not become overwhelmed and bring herself to a full on mental breakdown.

 

Again, you need to simply do things you enjoy by yourself or with friends, at least occasionally. It's unhealthy for you to put yourself in positions with her that make you and her uncomfortable. It's not fun anyway, is it?

 

You are not dealing with a broken leg where you take the person to the doctor, they set it, put a cast on it and 8 weeks later the cast is removed and all is well. This is a process, not an event that requires a ton of patience for a partner.

 

She doesn't always have anxiety. She is able to go to social events, she just doesn't like large groups or big crowds. She is a financial professional, never misses work due to the anxiety. Her family seems as normal as humanly possible. I think she does get very nervous at times which causes her to struggle to eat. The anxiety making it difficult for her to eat is probably my biggest concern. I would have not say her anxiety level has crept up to a panic attack level only a handful of times.

 

I truly do feel for her, but it's difficult for me to think about how she would handle a highly stressful situation such as having a baby or the death of a family member.

Edited July 21, 2016 by avoforastig

[katiegrl]

 

It's complicated as she states that she is an introvert while I'm an extrovert. I can't help but wonder if it's actually the anxiety that prevents her from wanting to do a lot of the social activities I yearn for. However, she seems to swallow her discomforts or conflicts with everyone else in her life but me.

 

 

Or perhaps her anxiety is triggered due to the pressure she feels by your wanting or expecting her to engage in the social activities you yearn for.

 

At least partly anyway. It would behoove you to find out.

 

Have you considered couples counseling?

 

Just a thought.

[Redhead14]

I think this article sheds some light on my view:

7 Struggles of Dating Someone With Anxiety | Love Live Health

 

"Sometimes, you may find yourself feeling angry or resentful towards a partner with anxiety (for example, if you find that your social life is inhibited or that coping with anxiety symptoms is hard work). It’s highly likely that you’ll also feel guilty for having these feelings. Here, it can help to “externalize” anxiety, seeing it as an unwelcome, intrusive third party that is making life difficult for both you and your partner. Try to direct negative feelings towards the disorder, not the person, and consistently encourage steps the person takes to put the disorder on its place."

 

Does anyone here actually have a successful relationship with a person suffering anxiety? It sounds like a lot of you have anxiety or know someone who does, but I haven't heard any success stories.

 

Yes, any negativity should be directed to the disorder. But a better approach is to not be negative at all by redirecting that negativity/your own anxieties because of all this by doing things for YOURSELF that make you happy/happier at least and not focusing on the partner all the time. The bottom line here is that you are struggling with not being able to have a social life and are "requiring" her to participate otherwise it's not enough.

 

You have to have more of your own life. The reason you don't hear many success stories is because most people realize that these conditions in a partner are beyond their skill set to deal with effectively and usually move on. Unless you become so proactive as to seek counseling for yourself and at some point have couples counseling, you are going to continue to struggle yourself. Your are trying to gain control over all this and the fact is you don't have control. So take the pressure off yourself. Be supportive, be encouraging, not demanding, be patient and find ways to redirect your energy and your own anxiety over the situation. You will have more success in that.

 

if you find that your social life is inhibited -- If your social life is inhibited, it's because you are inhibiting it. In fact, if you are inhibiting your social life because of her condition, you are actually enabling her behavior. Misery loves company . . .