sparkle222 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 I have a close friend named Matt, we've known each other for a while but only became close recently. We started sharing a lot about personal lives, feelings, interests whatever.. He's gone traveling now bht we talk every day at some length on messenger. I had expected us to fall out of contact but he's really kept it up. We have a pretty witty rs but talk about serious stuff too. I'll admit that he's a stereotypically good catch but he and I have pretty different attitudes on relationships, he hasn't had a serious one since his gf dumped him three years ago and just gets w girls or has open flings. When we became close we were both in sort of messy things ; mines ended and his is sort of tapering off (it was always casual) because of the traveling. He always talks about scoping out hot girls or whatever though I think he's way more talk than action. That isn't really my style but it's funny to listen to. Anyway the other day he jokingly asked if I was up to anything fun in my life- in context I took it to mean personal life and sort of blabbed on about a couple guys I've been vaguely going on dates with (couldn't really think of anything else, he knows everything else in my life) but how they're probably not going anywhere. Since then, he hasn't spoken to me. I'm feeling a bit awkward, like it wasn't appropriate or I threw cold water on our friendship. He's always talking about creeping on hot girls and girls he randomly gets with, so I don't see why there should be any weirdness in me revealing a bit about my life. He's never asked me out or anything so it's not like I'm sitting around waiting for him. What should I do? Did I somehow upset him? Did I miss a sign? I mean we're so close that it almost surprised me nothing ever happened but as it didn't I took that as clear indication he wasn't interested or knew we weren't looking for the same thing.. I basically just feel a bit confused and don't want to lose him as a friend :s. (As a side note if he'd asked me out I probably would've said yes provided it was exclusive).
Zahara Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 What should I do? Did I somehow upset him? Did I miss a sign? I mean we're so close that it almost surprised me nothing ever happened but as it didn't I took that as clear indication he wasn't interested or knew we weren't looking for the same thing.. I basically just feel a bit confused and don't want to lose him as a friend :s. (As a side note if he'd asked me out I probably would've said yes provided it was exclusive). There is nothing to be upset about. You both are friends and just as he is open about chasing tail, you have every right to do what you desire in terms of the opposite sex. If he can't be mature enough to communicate how he feels about you rather than pout because you're meeting other guys, then that's his problem. Just casually send him a message and see if he responds. Don't mention anything about his silence but just be your usual self and gauge his response. If he shuts you out, then let him be.
Author sparkle222 Posted July 20, 2016 Author Posted July 20, 2016 Ok thanks. Yeah I was planning on giving it a couple days max and then just messaging something funny/random/wholly unrelated. I sort of wish he'd actually just say how he feels, is there any way of nudging him to do so? I'm totally fine if he isn't into me, but it just seems sad if he can't be honest or doesn't bother cause he feels friend zoned. (Especially since that's honestly how I've felt in our rs a bit.. All his talk about other girls, even if maybe it was just showing off to impress, doesn't exactly make me think he's interested in me). I also just don't want a weird tension in our friendship either way. So yeah I just wish I could get him to open up but don't want to be patronising/make it awkward ..:s
preraph Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Sounds to me like he thinks it's okay for him to be openly talking about his exploits but is judging you for yours. I wouldn't make too much of it in any good way because if he's telling you about other women, he's not very interested, though like most guys, he's probably just have sex with you. But then he'd expect you to be totally tolerant of his seeing other women. If he does have any resentment toward you, he could be trying to one-up you or something, too. If either of you wants anything more than friendship or sex, you both need to stop talking to each other like frat boys.
Author sparkle222 Posted July 20, 2016 Author Posted July 20, 2016 thanks yeah, i was actually quite honest in my last message about how i don't like casual dating and actually just want something cute and steady (was just talking generally).. maybe that'll lead to a more honest, less fratty conversation on both sides. i'm not sure if he's judging though i'd be pretty annoyed if he were, but i do get the vibe he somehow thinks i shouldn't date (or just naturally don't date) much, but that he deserves all female attention in the world. i don't think he's a misogynist..i think he is insecure though. so if a guy tells you about other girls he's seeing he's automatically not interested? what if he's doing it to make you jealous or to impress you?
KeepMovingForward99 Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 If he can talk about other woman, you can talk about other men. I don't think it automatically means anything. Sometimes we are trying to impress or seem cooler than we are. Sometimes we are simple just being friends and mentioning the woman we are interested. I think you will need to look at other signs. As a guy, the one thing that always bothers me about these kind of situations is that I hear often that woman would be interested if he "just made a move" or "asked me out", "just kissed me" or "gave me lots of signs". While it is true that a lot of us do that, there are many times when we have gotten really close to a girl and end up just as confused about her as she is about us. I am in a similar situation with a long time friend. I've had strong feeling for her for a very long time. We talk for hours on the phone almost ever single night, hang out all the time, fall asleep together on the phone and sometimes wake up hours later, she moved away and we kept it up, she came back.. same thing. The thing is she gave me just as many signs that she wasn't interested in anything more as she did that she was. What I am supposed to do now? I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable anymore than you would want to make your guy friend. Now the woman I am interested started dating somebody else and it kills. I try to back away, but she still wants to talk and hang out. So I'm pretty much screwed now. There is nothing stopping you from putting out more significant signs, let alone mentioning to the guy the idea of progressing into a relationship. You don't always have to leave it to the man to decide your fate. When you have been friends first he may be treading just as carefully as you. That would also explain why he withdraws when he hears that you can have a romantic life with or without him. Hope to hear updates on what happens.
Lagata Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 This sounds incredibly similar to my situation. Have a really close guy friend, only what I believe made him distance himself from me was my own self preventing any sort of heated physical contact because he told me we ought to pace ourselves and take it slow. Now that i've begun trying to take it slow, he seems more distant. There are other factors at play, but it's bloody frustrating. He tells me to take it slow yet he paws all over me, I don't know what i'm supposed to be doing! If he asked me out exclusively however, i'd say yes. There is a lot of mixed information in the internet. Some people will always say that guys are simplistic creatures that are only wired to want a few things. Others will say they are more complex but do not show it as much as women in fear of being seen as "weak" or "non masculine". I think all dudes are different just like all ladies are, and generally (myself included), we try to overthink why someone does something and it makes us even more confused. I think guys are just as complicated as girls, however they function differently than we do and they show their emotions differently as well. Maybe, since you mentioned other guys pursuing you, he may have taken that as you being interested in them, and he backed off out of respect. Considering he talks with you often and keeps your company close makes me think he holds a lot of respect for you and cares about you. Might not be true love or whatever, but typically if a guy isn't even remotely interested, he probably won't keep in constant contact like you two have been doing. He's obviously interested in you, your day, and the little things. He cares. The open relationship thing makes me very wary. However, on the other hand, I highly doubt he keeps in constant contact with these flings like he has been with you. Perhaps he considers you his best friend and confidant, or perhaps he sees you as something more and his bragging about girls is some sort of childish attempt to make you jealous or pursue him. Like I said, every guy is different. Maybe hearing about these other guys caused him to question his feelings for you and so he needs some alone time to figure it out. I wouldn't take much offense to it unless he literally never talks to you again. Then i'd contact him and say "Hey, wtf dude?" Because you obviously have a long standing friendship, and friends wouldn't just stop contact alltogether unless there was a significant reason. I'd try and subtly dig a bit deeper when you do hear from him. Be casual, but make sure you two are cool. If you aren't into open relationships and he asks you out, make sure he stays true to exclusive dating, please! Never settle if you aren't comfortable with the full package. Good luck!
preraph Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 thanks yeah, i was actually quite honest in my last message about how i don't like casual dating and actually just want something cute and steady (was just talking generally).. maybe that'll lead to a more honest, less fratty conversation on both sides. i'm not sure if he's judging though i'd be pretty annoyed if he were, but i do get the vibe he somehow thinks i shouldn't date (or just naturally don't date) much, but that he deserves all female attention in the world. i don't think he's a misogynist..i think he is insecure though. so if a guy tells you about other girls he's seeing he's automatically not interested? what if he's doing it to make you jealous or to impress you? Well, if he's interested and he has no problem asking other women out, then it stands to reason he'd just ask you out or make a move if he wanted to. He's probably judging you about these other guys. Probably thinks women should just look for their husband and that's it. Also, you said he talks about creepin on women. So creepers don't usually actually get the woman. They usually creep because they're too fearful to do anything about it. And if he is creepin, why you want him?
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