MzLady Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 (edited) More than anything, I think I just need some support... I'm a single 40 yr old woman. I've been a single parent since the day I had my son (who is 20 now). I've never been married, but had an LTR that didn't end well at all (he was emotionally abusive). After that relationship ended, I didn't date for almost 5 years. The thought of going through another bad relationship terrified me. Fast forward to the present.. I finally decided I was ready to date again. I met a guy and we dated on and off for a while, but he kept doing and saying things that made me feel terrible, so I told him we just aren't a good fit and that I don't want to have any kind of relationship with a guy that can so easily tear me down and not think there's anything wrong with it just because "it's the truth." Here are some examples of what he has told me: 1. I need him more than he needs me 2. That our relationship will never be equal - he will always be the one in control 3. That I am a spinster 4. That I need to do things his way because obviously, my way doesn't work.. that's why I'm 40 & single 5. That everything that is wrong with our relationship is my fault That's just some of it.. typing this up just makes me upset all over again.. But then he follows up all of this with how much he cares about me. That he sees us having something really great. That I'm a great girl, but all of MY hang ups are ruining things... My hang ups being that I want to be treated like an equal. Treated with respect. To be talked to with some compassion and empathy.. I know, I'm asking a lot here. Am I crazy? Maybe he's telling the truth.. maybe I am a spinster, maybe my hang ups are what's ruining everything.. but does that mean he has to say that.. all in one conversation? I felt so defeated and torn down. It's so easy to be on the outside looking in.. but when it's your own train wreck you're experiencing.. the blinders come on, and I realize that. And I feel like I've allowed another emotionally abusive guy try to get to me. Again, I DUMPED him.. but I just need some support. I am trying not to let these kinds of people into my life anymore, and I'm fairly confident I recognized one before it was too late. Thanks for reading my post and for your thoughts on this. Edited July 20, 2016 by MzLady title wasn't right
five2nine Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 He sounds like a big jerk. You're not crazy at all. I would dump him 2
CarrieT Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 MzLady, is this the same guy you were seeing last December from this thread? If different, it sounds like you are having similar issues with too many red flags. If the same, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU STILL SEEING THIS GUY!?!?
Dis Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Hi hun, I've read your previous thread...I'm assuming this is about the guy back in December I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you had blinders on. Its so easy to overlook regs flags in a relationship we're actually in. I'm so glad you broke up with this guy...he seemed toxic In my last LTR, my ex was very similar to your guy. Lots of gas lighting. Manipulative guys do this all the time. My ex always said that I needed him more than he needed me. That every problem we had was my fault. I believed all of this at the time. Towards the end I knew it was falling apart so I half jokingly said to him, "If we break up I get the tv." He said in a very serious tone, "Sure, I'm glad your starting to think about that." That cut me like a knife. A few weeks later, I broke up with him...I packed up everything he owned in one day and put it out on the porch.....He wept like a baby in disbelief....that was the only time I saw him cry. Who needs who now??? After a year of being broken up...I still get texts from him saying he misses me and still loves me and how he wishes I would talk to him. I never replied to him once...never will....I also ended up realizing he was cheating...alot of things became clear that I failed to see while I was in the relationship...he had it all wrong...I'll never look back The more time you spend away from this man...the more you'll realize how messed up he really was...you'll put the pieces together...little by little...and you'll realize how manipulative he really was....how he had it all wrong... you'll thank your lucky stars you dumped him. And when a guy like this says you need him more than he needs you...the reality is the opposite...it takes a pretty insecure guy to say such a thing. Take some time for yourself hun...and be proud you nipped this in the bud pretty early on...you deserve so much better All the best of luck to you hun
losangelena Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Sounds like he gas-lit you a bit. Calling you a spinster (oh, hell no), telling you your way "doesn't work," because you're 40 and single. And here you are questioning your sanity? Lady-friend, you did the right then by say bye-bye. At least you recognized it early this time. Making better choices and forming better habits doesn't happen overnight. I would say you're making progress. Keep it up. Maybe schedule a couple of therapist consults? Maybe get to the bottom of why you find yourself entangled with dudes like this?
preraph Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Sounds like a deluded control freak that you need to lose pronto. He's grooming you to be submissive and let him control you. Please don't be that woman. 2
smackie9 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Know the typical signs of an abuser......passive aggressive behavior...they tear you down with insults, then love bomb you. As soon as you hear things that are too good to be true, move way too fast, and then start to correct you, or pick at you etc.....drop them like a hot potato. usually you can see this within the first couple of dates.....not a good thing. What you should be looking for is someone who respects you and your boundaries. No mind games or bs. 1
Zahara Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 And I feel like I've allowed another emotionally abusive guy try to get to me. Again, I DUMPED him.. but I just need some support. I am trying not to let these kinds of people into my life anymore, and I'm fairly confident I recognized one before it was too late. Thanks for reading my post and for your thoughts on this. Kudos to you for identifying and making the decision to leave him! This was another lesson for you and one that has made you a little more wiser for the future so don't beat yourself up over another clown messing up your life. The next time, when you start seeing the red flags, get out. Don't wait for change. The ones that beat you down and then lift you up are the ones that are conditioning you. You saw the signs and your gut was telling you something was off -- believe it. You did the right thing. You definitely dodged a bullet. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 More than anything, I think I just need some support... I'm a single 40 yr old woman. I've been a single parent since the day I had my son (who is 20 now). I've never been married, but had an LTR that didn't end well at all (he was emotionally abusive). After that relationship ended, I didn't date for almost 5 years. The thought of going through another bad relationship terrified me. Fast forward to the present.. I finally decided I was ready to date again. I met a guy and we dated on and off for a while, but he kept doing and saying things that made me feel terrible, so I told him we just aren't a good fit and that I don't want to have any kind of relationship with a guy that can so easily tear me down and not think there's anything wrong with it just because "it's the truth." Here are some examples of what he has told me: 1. I need him more than he needs me 2. That our relationship will never be equal - he will always be the one in control 3. That I am a spinster 4. That I need to do things his way because obviously, my way doesn't work.. that's why I'm 40 & single 5. That everything that is wrong with our relationship is my fault That's just some of it.. typing this up just makes me upset all over again.. But then he follows up all of this with how much he cares about me. That he sees us having something really great. That I'm a great girl, but all of MY hang ups are ruining things... My hang ups being that I want to be treated like an equal. Treated with respect. To be talked to with some compassion and empathy.. I know, I'm asking a lot here. Am I crazy? Maybe he's telling the truth.. maybe I am a spinster, maybe my hang ups are what's ruining everything.. but does that mean he has to say that.. all in one conversation? I felt so defeated and torn down. It's so easy to be on the outside looking in.. but when it's your own train wreck you're experiencing.. the blinders come on, and I realize that. And I feel like I've allowed another emotionally abusive guy try to get to me. Again, I DUMPED him.. but I just need some support. I am trying not to let these kinds of people into my life anymore, and I'm fairly confident I recognized one before it was too late. Thanks for reading my post and for your thoughts on this. I feel like I've allowed another emotionally abusive guy try to get to me -- You did for a little while, however, there is no way to be to anticipate whether or not a guy will be abusive or controlling. The best you can do is learn from previous experiences, observe new dating partners and identify those characteristics early and when you do, move on. You shouldn't just not date, just use what's been learned. You've done great here. No need to rethink or second guess, whatever. It's not a wreck unless the train crashes. You're driving the train and can apply the brakes when necessary . . . But then he follows up all of this with how much he cares about me. That he sees us having something really great. That I'm a great girl, but all of MY hang ups are ruining things -- He probably does care about you, you are a great girl and, sure, your "hang ups" are ruining things for HIM! He's controlling, demanding and probably abusive, he wants someone who will put up with that . . . Keep moving. You dodged a bullet.
Author MzLady Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 Thank you for all of the supportive comments. I feel really good about letting him go now. I definitely felt like he was trying to tear me down bit by bit until I'd give in. The more I'd fight back on the things he was saying, meaner his comments. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Thank you for all of the supportive comments. I feel really good about letting him go now. I definitely felt like he was trying to tear me down bit by bit until I'd give in. The more I'd fight back on the things he was saying, meaner his comments. felt like he was trying to tear me down bit by bit until I'd give in. -- Exactly, that's how they operate. It's called grooming . . . You keep sticking to your attitude regarding what you want and need in a partner and the more you get your head into it and embrace it deep down, you will find that that comes across to people you date and so will attract men who appreciate that. You will carry yourself differently, it will show in ways you don't realize 1
Miss Peach Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 That is the same controlling mindset that leads to another abusive relation. What you experienced isn't too uncommon after leaving an abusive relationship. I know a lot of women who found themselves back in one (though often with a guy using different tactics). After a few a lot of these women become afraid, mistrusting, and closed off which scares away normal guys leading them right back into guys who are bad for the. What I found worked best for me after leaving men who did some of the same things was to work on my self esteem and trusting myself again. You can be empathetic but don't let these guys define your reality. Also work on having a good life on your own. When something isn't feeling right or is detracting from your good life, then that's a flag to slow down or leave.
kvolm2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Here are some examples of what he has told me: 1. I need him more than he needs me 2. That our relationship will never be equal - he will always be the one in control 3. That I am a spinster 4. That I need to do things his way because obviously, my way doesn't work.. that's why I'm 40 & single 5. That everything that is wrong with our relationship is my fault If you found out that your son was saying these things to a young lady that he was in a relationship with, would you consider that a healthy relationship?
asphyxis Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 What if your unsure if your relationship was emotionally abusive or if your ex was just tired of the relationship? There were lots of red flags, love bombing, etc but I'm left feeling so unsure of so many things that I feel as if I was?
Author MzLady Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 If you found out that your son was saying these things to a young lady that he was in a relationship with, would you consider that a healthy relationship? That's a great point. I would be so disappointed if I heard him telling someone those hurtful types of things. I definitely raised him to be a better man than that and I'd think he was trying to make her feel insecure so she'd stay with him... then I'd smack him on the back of his head for being an idiot.
Els Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Glad you dumped him. Please make sure he STAYS dumped this time...
Author MzLady Posted July 27, 2016 Author Posted July 27, 2016 So ever since I told this guy to leave me alone and not to contact me... he's still contacting me. I've blocked his number on my phone, but it will still give me a message that a call was blocked and the text messages he sends are going to a "spam" folder.. but they aren't just being flat out blocked. I've tried looking for an app that will block both text and phone calls and not give me a notification, but I haven't been able to find one yet that truly blocks the calls and texts. They all just send the messages and calls to a folder and I still know they are there Does anyone know of an app that will block and not save or notify me of the calls or texts? My cell phone provider doesn't have a block call service - at least that I could find. I have not responded to anything and have been doing good w/ NC, but it would be a whole lot better if I didn't have to see his calls or texts.
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