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Saw him tonight and think I made a fool of myself

Josmatjes

By Josmatjes
in The Other Man / Woman

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autumnnight Established Member

autumnnight

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Don't let yourself fall into the branded trap. It can be intoxicating. The "reformed scarlet woman" role can be addicting because there's that whole "I am so noble for trying to improve myself while constantly practicing self-flagellation." I think sometimes too, online especially, it can be an attempt to appease all the faceless strangers who think they know what your remorse should look like and how long it should last.

 

If you break your ankle, you know it's completely healed when you STOP limping.

 

Be determined not to allow other people to keep you limping forever.

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Lurkeraspect Established Member

Lurkeraspect

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How are things, Jos? Thought about you this weekend. Hope things are better.

  • 5 months later...
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Josmatjes Established Member

Josmatjes

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So I'm no contact w Xmm, the past few times we went no contact for long periods but he always broke them. This time I'm doing it correctly though with blocking all avenues. I'm too weak still even after all this time. He really did a number on me. I struggle everyday with moving on from something that I believed in. I'm sure most of you understand that. The last time we texted though, one of the things that stuck out with me was that I was ahead of him ( separated) and it's gonna be awhile for him but he wants me to be waiting on the side for him so it is easier" . That's when I told him it was over and don't ever contact me again... Except I'm home sick today and laying here missing... I don't know what... But wanting to text or call or whatever.... Ugh

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Adoraxx Established Member

Adoraxx

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Don't text or call him, Jos!! Ugh, I have those days too... Sometimes I even punch in his phone number, just to see what it looks like when those numbers are on my phone (how pathetic is that lol) but I never click the 'Dial' button because I know his reaction will hurt me!!

 

Try to envision how smug he'll look when you call him...

Or how he'll laugh when a text from you comes in... How he might possibly laugh at you behind your back.

 

Or that he'll pick up the phone and say all haughtily: "What do you want".

 

It will definitely make you feel even worse.

 

It sucks though when you miss him so badly.. Those moments are sooo difficult and last week I simply couldn't take it anymore and then, since Thursday or so, every time a thought of him popped in, I simply said "I can't take it anymore to think about him, stop it". It doesn't help all the time, but it has helped me a little bit over the past days because I truly felt like drowning.

 

I hope you'll feel better soon!!! And I think it was terribly mean of him to say that he wants you waiting on the side so it would be easier for him. Pfff!!! How dare he!!! Very good that you told him it's over!!!!! Let him wait for you forever instead!!!!!!!!

 

Hugs and get well soon xx

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Southern Sun Established Member

Southern Sun

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Hi Jos - just remember that all you'll be doing is starting the same cycle all over again, opening the same wounds. He's in the exact same place he's always been in. If you want the same results as before, go for it. If you want something different, just sit on your hands...

 

It's so hard. I know. Sometimes we want what we want what we want!! But if you can imagine ahead to the end result of making that text or call, you would most likely regret it. You're just looking for a feeling at the moment, you know?

 

Sending you hugs and strength.

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BuddyX Established Member

BuddyX

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Stay strong.

You have to be stronger then him, since he has a family, he has someone. This is where your Fam and friends should reach out.

 

Quote from another thread (not mine, please take credit) that is dead on.

 

"The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.

 

Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be."

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Josmatjes Established Member

Josmatjes

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Stay strong.

You have to be stronger then him, since he has a family, he has someone. This is where your Fam and friends should reach out.

 

Quote from another thread (not mine, please take credit) that is dead on.

 

"The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.

 

Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be."

 

A wolf in Sheeps clothing....

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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Posted
Stay strong.

You have to be stronger then him, since he has a family, he has someone. This is where your Fam and friends should reach out.

 

Quote from another thread (not mine, please take credit) that is dead on.

 

"The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.

 

Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be."

Thanks for reposting my journal entry :)

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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If you contact him, he will get an ego boost, and you will feel worse.

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He will also get the pleasure of knowing that he still has a hook in you.

 

Please don't do it, and carry on working to get that hook out instead.

 

 

Take care.

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Josmatjes Established Member

Josmatjes

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I won't do it because of all of you! When I responded before or broke contact it was because I never reached out for help but this time I'm not going to be embarrassed or feel stupid. I'm going to come here. Sometimes our feelings are more than we can handle and we need a little extra help! Thank you everyone

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Josmatjes Established Member

Josmatjes

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The problem is that I have so I have pent up anger and I have so much I want to say but I know it won't make any difference at all. I ran less that a week ag he's telling me how much he loved me... Wtf is wrong with these men? To play w people?

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jenkins95 Established Member

jenkins95

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Stay strong Jos, you are doing great! Ride out the first several weeks or so..... It will be tough and you will be tempted to contact so many times. Please don't - come to us instead! Soon after that you will be free and the future will be bright. It's worth the investment, going through that pain and not looking back.

 

We are here for you!

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Josmatjes Established Member

Josmatjes

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So my H moved out this past October. Almost 6 months now. I can't say it's been easy. I work full time and then I'm picking up my daughter from school and running out to different things, religion, volleyball, therapist...every night. I'm taking care of my house and hopefully myself. Lost a few pounds. I haven't filed for divorce yet. I'm just not there yet. My husband and I had decided on counciling and date nights. Well it's 6 months and he hasn't asked me on one date night (I asked him) also he won't look for a therapist. He has demons he needs to battle. I'm waiting for him to do these things to prove he wants to stay married. I invite him for dinner and all events of kids, as far as bonding with me and working on things I think he enjoys living at his parents house where his mom waits on him hand and foot. I've never been that way. I always wanted us to be equal but he doesn't. I think that maybe this arrangement is working for us.... Well anyway that's that... It's been a long year..

Poppy47 Established Member

Poppy47

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So my H moved out this past October. Almost 6 months now. I can't say it's been easy. I work full time and then I'm picking up my daughter from school and running out to different things, religion, volleyball, therapist...every night. I'm taking care of my house and hopefully myself. Lost a few pounds. I haven't filed for divorce yet. I'm just not there yet. My husband and I had decided on counciling and date nights. Well it's 6 months and he hasn't asked me on one date night (I asked him) also he won't look for a therapist. He has demons he needs to battle. I'm waiting for him to do these things to prove he wants to stay married. I invite him for dinner and all events of kids, as far as bonding with me and working on things I think he enjoys living at his parents house where his mom waits on him hand and foot. I've never been that way. I always wanted us to be equal but he doesn't. I think that maybe this arrangement is working for us.... Well anyway that's that... It's been a long year..

 

Don't gibe him too much time. He should have moved his butt by now.

I think you are making things too easy for him.

 

Poppy.

Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

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So my H moved out this past October. Almost 6 months now. I can't say it's been easy. I work full time and then I'm picking up my daughter from school and running out to different things, religion, volleyball, therapist...every night. I'm taking care of my house and hopefully myself. Lost a few pounds. I haven't filed for divorce yet. I'm just not there yet. My husband and I had decided on counciling and date nights. Well it's 6 months and he hasn't asked me on one date night (I asked him) also he won't look for a therapist. He has demons he needs to battle. I'm waiting for him to do these things to prove he wants to stay married. I invite him for dinner and all events of kids, as far as bonding with me and working on things I think he enjoys living at his parents house where his mom waits on him hand and foot. I've never been that way. I always wanted us to be equal but he doesn't. I think that maybe this arrangement is working for us.... Well anyway that's that... It's been a long year..

 

Totally off-topic, but your post made me smile. When my exH "left" me, he went all the way across home and moved back into his childhood bedroom, complete with his twin bed and sheets from his teen years. He would have been almost 40. I was convicted he would never leave, I think it took him four years to move....three doors down. A neighbor had made their upstairs into an apartment and he was thrilled to have someone he knew rent it!

 

Anyway, glad to see you're healing. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Babsinhealing Established Member

Babsinhealing

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So I'm no contact w Xmm, the past few times we went no contact for long periods but he always broke them. This time I'm doing it correctly though with blocking all avenues. I'm too weak still even after all this time. He really did a number on me. I struggle everyday with moving on from something that I believed in. I'm sure most of you understand that. The last time we texted though, one of the things that stuck out with me was that I was ahead of him ( separated) and it's gonna be awhile for him but he wants me to be waiting on the side for him so it is easier" . That's when I told him it was over and don't ever contact me again... Except I'm home sick today and laying here missing... I don't know what... But wanting to text or call or whatever.... Ugh

So sorry to hear you aren't feeling good. Please don't lay in bed and think about him- you are only hurting yourself, while you should be taking care of YOU! Put on a good tv series and get absorbed. I know NC is hard- but keep that power ... You deserve it. We are here for you and most of us truly know how hard NC can be at times so just accept that you had "a moment" and give yourself a big hug that you stayed strong! Feel better!

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Majormisstep Established Member

Majormisstep

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Hey Jos, not sure if this will help but there seems to be a common theme here...when my xH 'suggested' I leave our marital home (doh! Stupid, stupid, stupid), anyway, we made the same arrangement, promises of date nights, communication, counselling etc. Well, I made all the date nights, no counselling and very little communication. Oh, and his brother and mother moved into my (his) house. He had a full time bachelor pad with his mom doing the cooking and cleaning! Needless to say, he did not want me or the M any more.

 

Hopefully your situation works out for you.

 

One day at a time....

whatatangledweb Established Member

whatatangledweb

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You seem to be blaming your husband, yet you go back to your MM over and over. Your husband is in a competition he is not aware of and can never win. If you want to work on your marriage you need to stop talking to your MM. It is the only way you can view your husband fairly.

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sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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The problem is that I have so I have pent up anger and I have so much I want to say but I know it won't make any difference at all. I ran less that a week ag he's telling me how much he loved me... Wtf is wrong with these men? To play w people?

 

If he wanted to leave I'm sure he would..... however I think because you were his wife's friend it's not likely to be a great relationship. He will be looked at worse for with you...as opposed to an unknown woman.

 

It's a double betrayal and both of you would end up looking terrible unfortunately.

 

If his marriage was that bad and his wife as crazy as you've previously mentioned.... he either doesn't mind it or he's too weak to not have what it takes to leave.

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Josmatjes Established Member

Josmatjes

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Don't gibe him too much time. He should have moved his butt by now.

I think you are making things too easy for him.

 

Poppy.

 

Agreed! I'm just not sure how much time to give. My therapist and my family keep telling me that I need to stop trying and I know they r right but it's hard

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Josmatjes Established Member

Josmatjes

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You seem to be blaming your husband, yet you go back to your MM over and over. Your husband is in a competition he is not aware of and can never win. If you want to work on your marriage you need to stop talking to your MM. It is the only way you can view your husband fairly.

 

My husband was and is aware of He communication that went on this year. He also knows I'm no contact right now. I've given him full disclosure. It doesn't matter what I say he is not willing to try the same as he was before my A. I think that both my H and my xm are both toxic men

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Josmatjes Established Member

Josmatjes

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Totally off-topic, but your post made me smile. When my exH "left" me, he went all the way across home and moved back into his childhood bedroom, complete with his twin bed and sheets from his teen years. He would have been almost 40. I was convicted he would never leave, I think it took him four years to move....three doors down. A neighbor had made their upstairs into an apartment and he was thrilled to have someone he knew rent it!

 

Anyway, glad to see you're healing. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

My god these men are pathetic and so needy!! My his band moving back in w his parents hurt our marraige more than any affair could that's for sure. I had an affair because we hadn't had sex in 3 years and now it's 5. He is probably happy now that I'm not in the bed with him!!

Sub Established Member

Sub

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So, why not just file for D and move on? I don't even get the point of trying to go to counseling and do date nights. There's obvious resentment towards your H, and getting over the OM isn't exactly a done deal. I think we get that your H isn't worth it. So what's the hold up in at least filing?

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Josmatjes Established Member

Josmatjes

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I look back at the past year at the times where he went missing or dark and can't help but wonder if he was going no contact on me. He did try to end it with me last December saying he wanted to try to live an authentic life... That lasted until I broke it... If I'm totally honest here I think that I am the one who dragged him back in a few times. He broke no contact also a few times, it went both ways. I don't know , I think he knew how unhealthy it was this past year. Neither of us wanted to let go and we r both guilty...

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Josmatjes Established Member

Josmatjes

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So, why not just file for D and move on? I don't even get the point of trying to go to counseling and do date nights. There's obvious resentment towards your H, and getting over the OM isn't exactly a done deal. I think we get that your H isn't worth it. So what's the hold up in at least filing?

 

3 kids and a life... Not so easy... I'm not ready to give up

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