xxgreen20 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 (edited) My girlfriend of 7 weeks is suddenly feeling panicked and weird-what to do? This is a rather heartbreaking situation. I have been dating a wonderful girl for about 7 weeks now, and we've been official for 5 weeks. She and I were good friends for almost a year before we started dating. Our first date went amazing (kissing, cuddling, etc), and we had had an awesome relationship until about a couple of days ago. We texted each other every morning when we woke up and talked all day when we didn't see each other. When we did see each other, she would hug me and kiss me nonstop and I did the same thing for her. She told me when we first started dating how this was the most comfortable she's ever been in a relationship and how I was the right guy and felt like her best friend. Her friends did and still do invite us as a pair everywhere they go. I said the same to her. However, a couple of days ago, I asked her if she wanted to go to a fair with me and she said she didn't know and she had stuff to do, then I said how about a quick lunch, and she still didn't know, and I finally asked what was going on, and she said she only sometimes feels an emotional attachment to me, not all the time, and how she is feeling weird and panicked about our relationship. After hearing that, I shut the door to my room and stayed in there night trying not to cry and thinking about the situation. She says she is afraid of getting attached to someone in case they hurt her. We had a very long talk last night, and she apologized, and this morning we went back to normal just texting about random stuff and flirting. I asked her last night if she wanted me to opt out of visiting her and her family at their country home in 2 weeks, and she said she wants me to come still. We are going to dinner tonight, and when I invited her to dinner, she told me that she still wants to do things with me. This statement panicked me, and I flat out asked her if we were still a couple and she said that we were and that she gets terrible anxiety sometimes, which I know is true. I know I should be reassured, but I'm not. I'm sitting here typing this with an upset stomach and a dry mouth, and I know I love my girlfriend. Just three nights ago, we were sharing a bed at a friends house, and as soon as I laid down, she came to my side and cuddled me nonstop until the morning. She always hugs me, sits on my lap, and kisses me, which is why I'm floored and upset that she feels this way. Another significant thing is that we took a shower together last week, which was her idea. She had never showered with a guy before, so I felt extra special then. She added my initials to her Instagram bio, and her wallpaper on her phone is a picture of us together, and next to my name on her contacts list is a heart. She has been struggling with a lot lately, and a friend of hers is reconsidering her own relationship, so I know that can't help. Guys, please help me. I'm so upset and shocked and I want everything to be okay. Update: She mentioned now how she wants to just enjoy what we have now and not worry about the future and that she still wants to be in a relationship with me. I'm thinking this is reassuring right? Edited July 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Added paragraphs
BaileyB Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 It sounds like she struggles a little bit with anxiety. That is her issue to solve, not yours. But, you can be supportive by giving her a little space and some time to breathe. If you really want to be with her, slow things down and don't place too many expectations on her. If it's meant to be, it will be...
Poppyolive Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 I think its common. I get a little like that at the beginning of relationships. The scared part, from experience, is her falling for you. And All the fears that cone with that. Ease up on her a little bit, but be supportive. I wouldn't worry too much. I think it's all positive stuff. She is just working through it. 2
Author xxgreen20 Posted July 20, 2016 Author Posted July 20, 2016 I think its common. I get a little like that at the beginning of relationships. The scared part, from experience, is her falling for you. And All the fears that cone with that. Ease up on her a little bit, but be supportive. I wouldn't worry too much. I think it's all positive stuff. She is just working through it. Thank you very much. We went out to dinner tonight and had a wonderful time, and she talked in the car on the way there about how she doesn't want to think about marriage or anything right now and how she enjoys just being my girlfriend. I am not thinking about marriage by any means right now. She also mentioned indirectly how I am an important priority in her life and texted me when I got home from dropping her off about what a good night she had and thanked me for being here for her in the past couple of days, since she has been struggling with a lot this past week.
Mrin Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 No worries man. Here's my suggestion: be the rock. It sounds like her anxiety can get to her. The best thing that you can do is be her constant. Her rock. Just be there. Don't get worked up. Don't react. Dont question. Just stay the course and make sure she knows that you are still into her. Best of luck! 1
Author xxgreen20 Posted July 20, 2016 Author Posted July 20, 2016 No worries man. Here's my suggestion: be the rock. It sounds like her anxiety can get to her. The best thing that you can do is be her constant. Her rock. Just be there. Don't get worked up. Don't react. Dont question. Just stay the course and make sure she knows that you are still into her. Best of luck! Thank you man. Yes, she did tell me that she gets horrible anxiety about certain things at times and it's just how she is. But I love her and she is a fantastic girl, so I plan on staying the course, and I can tell, especially after last night, that she is just scared of taking the risk by falling for me, but she wants to do it.
anika99 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 As you two have only been a couple for 7 weeks I think you are way over invested. Slow down and take a moment to breathe. Let the relationship develop naturally and accept that you do not have control over it. This girl may turn into your future or she may not. Just enjoy it for what it is right now while accepting that it may or may not be a lasting relationship. You cannot force love and the girl doesn't have an obligation to fulfill your ideals or fantasies of what you want this relationship to be. Stay in the present and have fun. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Thank you man. Yes, she did tell me that she gets horrible anxiety about certain things at times and it's just how she is. But I love her and she is a fantastic girl, so I plan on staying the course, and I can tell, especially after last night, that she is just scared of taking the risk by falling for me, but she wants to do it. Keep the pace of seeing each other to a couple of days a week, one mid-week and one weekend day so she isn't feeling pressured. Be sure to keep in good touch in between to quell her insecurities. Start opening up to her, share something with her that perhaps you haven't talked to many people about to show her you trust her and shows her that it's safe for her to share with you on a deeper level. Build the emotional intimacy gradually and take the lead in sharing and opening up. Bear in mind, however, that if she is unable to manage her anxiety sufficiently enough to allow you to feel secure with her, you may want to bail yourself. If she has a history of abuse in previous relationships, you may be taking on a project. How long has it been since her last relationship? If there's been a fairly recent breakup, you have to consider possible rebounding for her. Be patient and continue to evaluate but don't dwell or overthink, she's doing enough of that for both of you
Author xxgreen20 Posted July 20, 2016 Author Posted July 20, 2016 Keep the pace of seeing each other to a couple of days a week, one mid-week and one weekend day so she isn't feeling pressured. Be sure to keep in good touch in between to quell her insecurities. Start opening up to her, share something with her that perhaps you haven't talked to many people about to show her you trust her and shows her that it's safe for her to share with you on a deeper level. Build the emotional intimacy gradually and take the lead in sharing and opening up. Bear in mind, however, that if she is unable to manage her anxiety sufficiently enough to allow you to feel secure with her, you may want to bail yourself. If she has a history of abuse in previous relationships, you may be taking on a project. How long has it been since her last relationship? If there's been a fairly recent breakup, you have to consider possible rebounding for her. Be patient and continue to evaluate but don't dwell or overthink, she's doing enough of that for both of you No, this is not rebounding at all. I am not planning on bailing at all. Her last breakup was not recent, and her last boyfriend was not ansuive to her at all. She's never had an abusive boyfriend.
Author xxgreen20 Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 (edited) Bad update. We went out tonight with a couple of our friends to a festival near us, no pressure, just 4 of us (2 couples). In the beginning, she was acting perfectly normal, talking and laughing with me and just generally having a great time, but as the night went on things got colder and colder. She and 1 of our friends became completely invested in a new game on their phones and we barely talked while they were playing. I put my arm around her, but to no avail. She just kept walking as if nothing was happening. I then took it away, in frustration that was visible to our other friends. We held hands a couple of times, almost always initiated by me. When we were waiting in the car for our friends, she said absolutely nothing and just stared out the window. Until recently, she would talk to me and be invested and always want to kiss me or stroke my leg while I was driving and simple things like that. When I dropped her off at her house, we sat in the car kissing, and she did not seem to enjoy it at all. We were both exhausted, but she didn't start breathing heavily the way she usually does when I kiss her neck, and when I turned my head, she gave me some half-assed kisses on the neck, but otherwise just sat there. When I got home from dropping her off, she texted me saying, "It was an okay night." I then straight out told her how I didn't appreciate her and my other friend playing on their phones the whole time and how left out I felt, and she apologized. I forgave her and told her how much I miss the way things were until literally about 4 days ago. I could be standing with my back to her, and she would come and put her arms around me and kiss me on the cheek and just make me feel so loved. Tonight, we stood next to each other and nothing happened. I said how I wanted to make sure everything was ok between us and how much I miss the old her, and that was the last text. I haven't heard back and I don't suspect I will tonight. She told me that tonight she was just very tired. I am very sad and will have to go to bed that way. I'm at a loss. After last night I thought everything was back to normal. We were texting today like everything was normal, and she even sent me suggestive pictures. Edited July 21, 2016 by xxgreen20
Author xxgreen20 Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 Another update: this morning she texted me with, "What a bad time to run out of cereal haha." And we're texting now about random stuff like we always do. I'm so confused.
joseb Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 You are very invested for seven weeks. All that constant texting all day gets pretty annoying pretty quickly for a lot of people. Maybe she feels smothered. That "best friend" comment would actually be a worry for me. Do you guys have a good sex life? The lack of affection in the car would worry me too. It sounds like maybe this has just burned out after too quick a start...
Author xxgreen20 Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 You are very invested for seven weeks. All that constant texting all day gets pretty annoying pretty quickly for a lot of people. Maybe she feels smothered. That "best friend" comment would actually be a worry for me. Do you guys have a good sex life? The lack of affection in the car would worry me too. It sounds like maybe this has just burned out after too quick a start... I don't know what to think anymore. We have only had intercourse one time since we both live with our parents and have literally no privacy, and I lost my erection from nervousness as soon as I penetrated her. When our parents aren't home, we used to have very good make out sessions though, often involving the removal of clothes, and we took a shower together last week and made out heavily in that shower, plus gave each other oral. Her parents weren't home when we took the shower, and it wa all her idea. And the best friend comment was, "My cousin has always told me it doesn't feel like a relationship when you're with the right person, it feels like you're with your best friend. I'm glad we were friends before this, and I've never been so comfor table before." She said this over text early in our relationship.
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Another update: this morning she texted me with, "What a bad time to run out of cereal haha." And we're texting now about random stuff like we always do. I'm so confused. I actually think you are too needy. She's skittish and you are needy. Bad combo. You can fix your end and just give things a shot. Not every moment is going to be hugs, kisses, etc. You sound like you need way too much assurance and read way way way too much into everything. Be her rock and man up. Sorry and good luck
Author xxgreen20 Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 I actually think you are too needy. She's skittish and you are needy. Bad combo. You can fix your end and just give things a shot. Not every moment is going to be hugs, kisses, etc. You sound like you need way too much assurance and read way way way too much into everything. Be her rock and man up. Sorry and good luck I understand not every moment is like that, but I would at least like some to be. In the beginning she was comfortable, secure, sweet, and romantic. Now it's the exact opposite. We are going to the movies with a few coworkers tonight, and it's a set weekly thing. I offered to back out, but she said she still wants me there and she wants to see me before she goes on vacation next week. I take that as a slightly good sign, but she said "maybe" when I asked her to go to dinner just the 2 of us beforehand. I'm confiding in one of our friends about it now because it's killing me so bad.
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Here is a good article on dating someone who is hot and cold. The Dating Game of Hot and Cold | Susan Winter - Relationship Expert 1
Author xxgreen20 Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 Here is a good article on dating someone who is hot and cold. The Dating Game of Hot and Cold | Susan Winter - Relationship Expert Thank you. We have been texting today and joking around like we usually do, and we're going to go for a walk tonight before the movies. She also thanked me before for being so understanding.
sunshine2 Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Sounds like you are playing games. You offer to back out of a date that is already planned just to see if she reacts Im guessing. You also sound way to needy. At 7 weeks you are just starting to get to know each other. And yes, sometimes she might not be all over you constantly, so you have to realize that things will change. If you keep dating, things will cool down a bit, thats just normal. Give her a break and ease up. I agree with redhead, see her a couple times a week and stop expecting non stop texting every day. Its not sustainable. You are going to push her away if you keep demanding non stop attention. I would of already left, sorry to say.
Author xxgreen20 Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 (edited) Sounds like you are playing games. You offer to back out of a date that is already planned just to see if she reacts Im guessing. You also sound way to needy. At 7 weeks you are just starting to get to know each other. And yes, sometimes she might not be all over you constantly, so you have to realize that things will change. If you keep dating, things will cool down a bit, thats just normal. Give her a break and ease up. I agree with redhead, see her a couple times a week and stop expecting non stop texting every day. Its not sustainable. You are going to push her away if you keep demanding non stop attention. I would of already left, sorry to say. I am not playing games at all. I love this girl, or at least I'm falling in love with her. This movie date is a date that we do every single week that our friends planned out, not us. I offered to back out and not see her for the next week and a half until I go up to her country house if I was too much for her, but she said, "No, I want you to come to the movies tonight. I don't want to not see you for an entire week." However, things are still off and I had to confide in one of our friends today about how I am feeling about the situation because I thought I'd explode if I didn't talk to someone in person. Up until a couple of days ago, like I said, she was just as affectionate with me, if not more so, than I've been with her. She was all over me and her face would light up when she'd see me. That is gone. Edited July 21, 2016 by xxgreen20
smackie9 Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 This is what you have to put up with when you date someone that has this kind of anxiety issue. It's not going to change. If it keeps killing you each time then love or not it's not healthy for you to be in this situation.There is no fixing this. She is the way she is. This has nothing to do with you or what you do or didn't do.....this is all on her. Basically all you are doing by staying is torturing yourself.
Author xxgreen20 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 This is what you have to put up with when you date someone that has this kind of anxiety issue. It's not going to change. If it keeps killing you each time then love or not it's not healthy for you to be in this situation.There is no fixing this. She is the way she is. This has nothing to do with you or what you do or didn't do.....this is all on her. Basically all you are doing by staying is torturing yourself. Last night at the movies, she wasn't affectionate at all. Not hugging, kissing, hand holding, nothing. I kissed her once on the lips, to which she did nothing, and then didn't try anything for the rest of the movie. But then we went back to one of our friends houses, and the four of us were sitting on the couch talking, and I wasn't touching her at all, because I had given up at that point, and she laid across my lap and hugged me and stayed like that basically the whole time. This made me so happy you have no idea. She then texted me after I got home from dropping her off saying how she felt so much better and how she was still in a weird mood at the movie theater, but how her mood had changed once we got back to our friends house. I also met her for lunch on her work break today and everything was fine. She wasn't really affectionate because the situation didn't permit it (restaurant, sitting across from each other, etc), but she was happy and bubbly and charming.
Teknoe Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Last night at the movies, she wasn't affectionate at all. Not hugging, kissing, hand holding, nothing. I kissed her once on the lips, to which she did nothing, and then didn't try anything for the rest of the movie. But then we went back to one of our friends houses, and the four of us were sitting on the couch talking, and I wasn't touching her at all, because I had given up at that point, and she laid across my lap and hugged me and stayed like that basically the whole time. This made me so happy you have no idea. She then texted me after I got home from dropping her off saying how she felt so much better and how she was still in a weird mood at the movie theater, but how her mood had changed once we got back to our friends house. I also met her for lunch on her work break today and everything was fine. She wasn't really affectionate because the situation didn't permit it (restaurant, sitting across from each other, etc), but she was happy and bubbly and charming. If you think she's worth it to put up with such hot and cold behavior, more power to ya. Me personally, I prefer a little more stability. Relationship are hard already -- don't need to make it harder than it already is with someone you're simply not on the same page with.
Author xxgreen20 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 If you think she's worth it to put up with such hot and cold behavior, more power to ya. Me personally, I prefer a little more stability. Relationship are hard already -- don't need to make it harder than it already is with someone you're simply not on the same page with. I love this girl, so yes it is worth it to me. It was never really "cold" until this freeze over just recently, and she has had a lot on her mind, about family, work, etc, so I understand that.
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