"Hope" is so poisonous

[jenko]

My ex is 32 and I'm 28. He broke up with me a little over a week ago kind of surprisingly. We had been arguing a lot towards the end of our relationship and it was mostly always over small things. I know we loved each other immensely and I know that when he broke up with me it was hard for him. He cried more than me. I asked him to give it a second thought and to put in the effort one last time but he declined and told me, "I can't..." He told me he wasn't "in love" with me anymore. I didn't want to believe it because up until that point he was still loving and trying and making me happy until that exact point.

 

Fast forward 1 week I reached out to have a talk with him for closure but it wasn't a very good conversation. He told me he hasn't changed his mind and felt really unhappy when we were together. He told me he thinks about me everyday and all our happy times but inevitably he also thinks about the unhappy times and he couldn't go back. He said he just didn't feel it anymore and felt defeated. I asked him if we would ever get back together and he said he doesn't know. I told him to also change all his passwords to his social media because I've been snooping. He lied telling me he didn't know. (He knows!!) point--has yet to change it.

 

I reflected a lot and realized a lot of our arguments were because of me. He bottles a lot of stuff in while I constantly express my feelings and discomfort when something happens. We spent everyday together for the past year and I think we both lost ourselves in this relationship. There were things we definitely could have done or I could have done. He would always tell me he hated arguing but we had so much love for each other. I kind of took all of that for granted-- he was telling me but I wasn't listening... Until the inevitable end.

 

After the closure talk that went sour-- I texted yesterday to tell him I understand why he broke up with me. I relied on him too much for my happiness which in result made him unhappy. I realized I always jumped from relationship to relationship. I've never healed after a breakup and never understood what it meant to be happy on my own. I would get angry at him when I was unhappy but I think back to it and he tried so hard to make me happy but nothing was ever enough. He told me he thought I was an amazing person and that he's felt like he was in the clouds with me, and he said maybe it just wasn't our time.

 

I ended the convo and asked him if he could keep his heart open to me in the future. I know I need to work on myself-- as I am 28 and I don't know what I want. I always just wanted to be loved and that was it. I have a lot of soul searching and he told me his heart will be open to me.

 

I think about him all the time. I hope one day when I'm done healing and understanding myself there will be a day when we can start over. I never understood what love meant until I met him. He's everything I've ever wanted and I only realized that now that he's not in my life. When we were together I didn't know if I wanted kids with him or get married. I was so unsure and I only wanted to take and not really give.

 

A lot of people say he broke up with you-- move on. I never blame myself but I know this break up was mostly because of me and my attitude towards him.

 

His last words to me were so hopeful that I'm scared. Hope is a scary thing.

 

I still can't help but snoop and login with his passwords. I wish he would change them. I really do.

Edited July 19, 2016 by jenko

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

You guys are the first I met in this forum that sound so mature and caring!

 

You understand your mistake and honestly I felt like your boyfriend as I was the same in my relationship but I was immature and when I got to my boiling point I lashed out resulting in shouting and awful arguments. He told you all this and how he feels so calmly I wish I could stop my anger in such times as he can I'll take that as a lesson thank you for sharing that story!

 

This guy was truly caring for you and if he was so good as you say don't make it hard for yourself snooping. Stop yourself and don't do it regardless if he changes them or not. This is his privacy, respect that!

 

If this was your relationship for real I have no words to tell you how to cope but you will have to. Exercise, move constantly and don't reach out to him anymore, don't open wounds.

 

One thing I wish to say is thank you! Thank you for being able to understand your behaviour, to understand what you did to break him so. As much drama as it can get you truly gave me hope that people reflect on their past mistakes after breakup. I don't know why I felt your post so dearly and connected to it. Well done and good luck finding yourself! Here we all do!

 

edit: on a side note you are my 100 post since I joined! I am glad I met you! Really thank you and good luck again!

Edited July 20, 2016 by Heart..PLS STAHP

[SevenCity]

I completely agree with your title. Hope is poison.

 

Hope will keep you attached to something that may never come. It's dangeous and self defeating. It's the one thing that will prevent you from healing.

 

I broke up with my ex 1.5 months ago due to me not showing her affection (though I had it). I was busy planning our engagement when it ended.

 

Since then we have met up, had sex, told each other I love you, texted every day, and spoke about or RL and the problems for the first time in over a year. So yes, I have hope.

 

The problem is the hope was killing me. It was preventing me from changing myself into a better man - to the man I was when she fell in love with me.

 

It took me reaching rock bottom to finally realize where I went wrong. To understand how my actions and behavior effected her. I'm a differnt person now. I get it.

 

But another thing I did was compartmentalize the hope. I'm living my life as if we will not get back together. As a result, I no longer get crazy waiting for her text and realize she needs time to get over her hurt if we are to get back together. This may never happen and I'm preparing myself for that.

 

Without hope, I would be further long in the healing process and I will never get there until it's gone.

 

In my case, I made a decision that the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was worth the additional pain. It would have been easier if I gave up.

 

So, work on yourself and let the future bring what it will. Try to let go of the hope and start healing and bettering yourself.

[runup]

I agree hope is very much poison. I just recently made a post about my breakup and some words of advice (now that I'm a month and a couple weeks down the road).

 

A lot of my story sounds like yours. I too had the same time in my relationship before it ended, the same feelings were expressed. In fact, a lot of my breakup/relationship fits yours so well (even the password thing!). If you could read mine and respond to it, I'd like to know what you think: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/588470-you-dumpee-post-breakup-read

[Giggles666]

False hope sucks

[jenko]

Thank you so much for your kind response. I write so I can feel better in a sense. Maybe in a few weeks I'll think differently of him but throughout this relationship he was always so kind and patient with me. I sometimes think if I could be with someone like me.

 

A lot of people on these forums pan the dumper to be the bad one. Usually making the dumpee feel better but honestly it's different for everyone. As people we don't reflect enough what we did wrong. Of course-- I might be very hard on myself and my ex could've done a better job communicating his unhappiness. Sometimes I think-- if he cared enough he would have stayed to make the relationship work. I try not to allow myself to think that way, I try to think that he must have been in a lot of pain. Seeing him cry, seeing him heartbroken made me realize that I caused all his pain. He hurt so much because he loved me until he could no longer.

 

I always want to call him and text him but I think of the pain I put him through and I don't do it. Of course I am in pain as well but being a women we have so much more emotional support from family and friends. I think of him and wonder if he has any support, if he told anyone yet and I know he hasn't.

 

It's the first time in my life that I actually feel something. I love him so much that I am going to let him go because I couldn't make him happy. I do hope one day I will get that opportunity to see him smile the way he does when he used to look at me.

 

It's hard... It takes so much willpower but I am trying not to contact him and to learn from my mistakes. for the last 8 hours I haven't snooped so I hope I can keep going.

 

When we first started dating he downloaded this third party chatting app for me. I know he only talks to me on there and it felt good knowing he hasn't deleted it when he responded to me on there the other day. It's nice to know he looks up my snapchat story on a regular basis. I know he loves me and I know he's scared of me at the same time. I can feel it.

[jenko]

You guys are the first I met in this forum that sound so mature and caring!

 

You understand your mistake and honestly I felt like your boyfriend as I was the same in my relationship but I was immature and when I got to my boiling point I lashed out resulting in shouting and awful arguments. He told you all this and how he feels so calmly I wish I could stop my anger in such times as he can I'll take that as a lesson thank you for sharing that story!

 

This guy was truly caring for you and if he was so good as you say don't make it hard for yourself snooping. Stop yourself and don't do it regardless if he changes them or not. This is his privacy, respect that!

 

If this was your relationship for real I have no words to tell you how to cope but you will have to. Exercise, move constantly and don't reach out to him anymore, don't open wounds.

 

One thing I wish to say is thank you! Thank you for being able to understand your behaviour, to understand what you did to break him so. As much drama as it can get you truly gave me hope that people reflect on their past mistakes after breakup. I don't know why I felt your post so dearly and connected to it. Well done and good luck finding yourself! Here we all do!

 

edit: on a side note you are my 100 post since I joined! I am glad I met you! Really thank you and good luck again!

 

Thank you so much for your kind response. I write so I can feel better in a sense. Maybe in a few weeks I'll think differently of him but throughout this relationship he was always so kind and patient with me. I sometimes think if I could be with someone like me.

 

A lot of people on these forums pan the dumper to be the bad one. Usually making the dumpee feel better but honestly it's different for everyone. As people we don't reflect enough what we did wrong. Of course-- I might be very hard on myself and my ex could've done a better job communicating his unhappiness. Sometimes I think-- if he cared enough he would have stayed to make the relationship work. I try not to allow myself to think that way, I try to think that he must have been in a lot of pain. Seeing him cry, seeing him heartbroken made me realize that I caused all his pain. He hurt so much because he loved me until he could no longer.

 

I always want to call him and text him but I think of the pain I put him through and I don't do it. Of course I am in pain as well but being a women we have so much more emotional support from family and friends. I think of him and wonder if he has any support, if he told anyone yet and I know he hasn't.

 

It's the first time in my life that I actually feel something. I love him so much that I am going to let him go because I couldn't make him happy. I do hope one day I will get that opportunity to see him smile the way he does when he used to look at me.

 

It's hard... It takes so much willpower but I am trying not to contact him and to learn from my mistakes. for the last 8 hours I haven't snooped so I hope I can keep going.

 

When we first started dating he downloaded this third party chatting app for me. I know he only talks to me on there and it felt good knowing he hasn't deleted it when he responded to me on there the other day. It's nice to know he looks up my snapchat story on a regular basis. I know he loves me and I know he's scared of me at the same time. I can feel it.