Girlfriend broke up before going overseas for summer internship

[Iburgerman]

I'll keep it short. We dated for 5 months and first two were amazing then she started getting mad and started fights that she would later feel bad about and tell me she is terrible and can't change. I didn't see it as big deal because I was starting to fall in love with her despite everything. She told me she loves me too but sometimes would say I don't believe you. I tried to be re assuring but now I know it didn't help.

 

She went over my phone couple times and would get Jealous and mad if I was texting any females- female friend, buddies gf or whoever. Few times, usually when she was drunk) she said I am just going to leave her as soon as I find someone skinnier, better looking, etc. She also didn't believe me when I told her she was beautiful or her body was perfect the way it is ( I love her body and the way she looks and wouldn't change anything) sometimes she would say these things while crying and no matter what I did ( hug her tight, kiss her, promise her I would never leave- all things that I meant and still feel same way)

 

Few weeks before she was going to Australia for 2 months to study abroad, she started to become distant and finally broke up with me. She said she is terrible and I am amazing and deserve someone better and she knows she gets mad and unreasonable but can't change. I told her I don't care and we can work on it and I love her for so many other things that those things don't matter to me, etc.

 

I slept over the night she broke up and she called me the next morning and we talked how we usually do. Couple nights later she was out with friends and called me and was telling me she misses me and yelling I love you. She went home that night and was cryin on the phone and I couldn't bear it so I told her I am coming over. She cried the whole night and again started saying I am going to leave her for someone else and I don't love her. Keep in mind this is a well after she broke up with me.

 

Night before she left I met up and gave her few going away gifts and she started crying and saying I love you, your amazing. Next morning she texted " I love you, boarding" from the airport. We talked when she got there. It was normal and then talk a again couple days later and she was upset and wanted to go to sleep. I texted and told her she is amazing and to not let small things get her down. She replied back " I ****ing love you thank you so much for your support. I love and miss you" - didn't talk for a week due to her internship and a trip to surfing lessons. Got a hold of Her and she told me sorry if I lead you on I didn't mean to and it's not fair for me. I asked why she keeps saying I love you still and she said because I do.

 

Didn't talk to her for 3 weeks and in this time I realized all the things I missed about her having abandonment issues. Called her she seemed happy to hear from me and cheerful.

 

Ps. Her parents divorced after her father cheated on her mother and her first relationship was in high school with someone who made her feel trapped and she felt she wouldn't find someone else if she left him. Second one was in college and she told me she broke up with him because of stress with school. She is 20 and I am 22. She is coming back in 3 weeks. How should I handle I want to be there for her and want her back.

Edited July 16, 2016 by Iburgerman
Subject

[Iburgerman]

Girlfriend broke up before going overseas for summer internship which lasts for 2 months. She was very insecure and i think had commitment/abandonment issues due to father divorcing mom and her last two relationships- especially the first one, and always thought i was going to leave her for someone better and didnt believe me when i told her and reassured her that i love her.

 

I am thinking she couldnt handle being away for 2 months and not knowing what i am doing. I told her i am commited to her and would never hurt her, that i only want her, and i completely meant it.

 

We have talked on phone few times over summer- sometimes she is distant and other times she seems happy to hear my voice.

 

Now my question is- Should i contact one of her best friend and ask for advice? While my ex is away i am busy opening a restaurant and she said she is excited to see it when she gets back, meaning she plans on seeing me. I want to ask her best friend how i should approach it when she gets back.

 

Thank you for any advice!!

[JewelD]

NO. Don't contact her friend unless you're okay with her going back and telling her everything you just said.

 

Is it possible that she broke up with you because she wanted to be single and free to date other people?

 

Don't think too much into her parents being divorced or past relationships where she was insecure. It doesn't explain why she'd be so quick to end things just bc she's leaving for a few months. People who care about you won't do that to you.

 

I don't think you should wait around for her to come back either. For all you know, she wanted the summer to date other people and will come back to you when she gets home bc you're available.

 

She's obviously okay with the fact that you might meet someone else during this time, so go ahead and do so. You're not a therapist, if she does have abandonment issues, you won't be able to fix them.

[Iburgerman]

Not sure how this ended here-I thought i had made a new thread. New to this website. My apologies!!

[JewelD]

Not sure how this ended here-I thought i had made a new thread. New to this website. My apologies!!

 

Moderator probably put it there because it's about the same topic.

[Iburgerman]

Jewel- thanks for the reply. All that you have said is possible, yes. Now that i look back there were alot of things she said or did indicated she had trust issues and was legimately scared that i would cheat on her while she was away. She would cry and say i am going to leave her and go went through my phone couple times.

 

If it really is that she wants to date other people and doesn't have feelings for me anymore then thats different, but if she truly does have some sort of abandonment problems and cant help herself and still loves me- then i would want to give it another try and be there for her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't approach her best friend, no. It's not your place to involve other people in this.

 

She knows where to find you when she gets back, if she chooses. I have

had a similar experience in the past, only I am a woman and my ex-boyfriend was the one always worried I would leave, trade up, etc etc. So he ran away from the relationship, much like your ex did. (And in my case, guess who was the one who was checking out other prospects while supposedly being afraid of getting hurt? Hint: not me!)

 

Believe me when I say that someone who behaves this way - for whatever reason - is not ready for a commitment.

[LD1990]

She knows where to find you when she gets back, if she chooses. I have

had a similar experience in the past, only I am a woman and my ex-boyfriend was the one always worried I would leave, trade up, etc etc. So he ran away from the relationship, much like your ex did. (And in my case, guess who was the one who was checking out other prospects while supposedly being afraid of getting hurt? Hint: not me!)

 

I'm a guy who had this exact same experience. Ex-girlfriend was constantly insecure about not being pretty enough for me, and she ended up texting guys behind my back and eventually leaving me for one.

 

Iburgerman, it's best to move on. Yes, this girl probably does have emotional issues. No, you're not going to be able to do anything about them, you're not a shrink. She's also only 20. Most girls at that age aren't ready for a serious relationship. You were only together 5 months, that's supposed to be the great honeymoon phase, but for most of that she was picking fights with you. This girl is bad news.