Dating Fatigue or I might just be depressed

[glycerine]

Hi there,

 

In short I realize just now I prefer Long Term Relationships over being single and having plenty of women. But I just don't have it in me to do the silly/romantic things that involve a LTR.

 

It's a long story, I'm 30, before getting married I always prefered steady girlfriends rather than hookups.

After my divorce (10 year relationship) my initial feeling was to avoid hookups and look for something serious, I thought I was still on "couple mode" or rebounding, so I tried and I better myself, lost 70 pounds, dressed better, and re-learned how to get women.

 

Fast forward two years and I LOVE being on my own, I'm very introverted and I'm never bored being alone, I also have much more very close friends than the average person.

With regards to love/romance I've had one meaningful yet short 6 month relationship (I ended things, great girl), some great short things with foreign while travelling abroad, a whole lot of random dates.

 

So I think it's safe to say that I tried different things to know what I feel it's what I prefer. And I ended right where I started.

 

Recently things are turning romantic with a girl I admire a lot, I've been after her for some time, and I like her above all the others atm. But once she started to show me her feelings something inside me went cold, would be the best way to describe it.

 

I write poetry (actually good poetry, long story too) and I've always considered myself a romantic, but I just feel tired, and while going out and meeting women gave me ego boosts at the beggining, now it just doesn't fill me.

 

Ps. I guess a great example of the change is that when I used to meet a nice new girl I would project my romantic hopes on her, I would end up disappointed when I realized the girl on my mind was different than the actual girl (not the girl's fault, which made me feel worse).

Now I don't expect anything...at all from the girl, which is supposed to be the best to avoid unnecesary suffering, so now I don't suffer, but neither to I dream/crush,etc.

[Bialy]

It sounds like for a long time you have been dating for the sake of dating. That will get old, even if you get an ego boost or not.

 

Do you sabotage a potentially good relationship because the thought of finding someone better creeps in your mind?

 

I think you simply like the idea of an LTR. Unfortunately, it does take time to cultivate a relationship and get to know someone - that can be FUN - but if you have fatigue then maybe you need to stop frivolously dating people.

[Ami1uwant]

My thoughts...

 

You had one long term relationship...it was a marriage.

 

 

.at your age and the factor you were married at 18 tells me you have had little experience in dating as an adult.

 

As a result reading how women think and operate at 30 is vey different than 16.

 

You need to date for the sake of dating snd learn east you like snd what you don't want.

[glycerine]

It sounds like for a long time you have been dating for the sake of dating. That will get old, even if you get an ego boost or not.

 

Do you sabotage a potentially good relationship because the thought of finding someone better creeps in your mind?

 

I think you simply like the idea of an LTR. Unfortunately, it does take time to cultivate a relationship and get to know someone - that can be FUN - but if you have fatigue then maybe you need to stop frivolously dating people.

 

Dating is already feeling old. And I don't date as much as I used to.

 

I do feel I sabotage things with someone "good enough" because sometimes it feels like a filler.

 

About that, take for example when I just went on a really good date nowadays; I realize the girl will take time to slowly develop feelings toward me (I instantly know whether I'm interested or not), I will take her on a 2nd date a week later, meanwhile I always have something going on, I might go to a friend's birthday at a club and meet a new girl, and this is what confuses me:

Should I just take it one girl at a time? Should I just give up on potentially meeting someone who might be more compatible with me?

I've done both and it seems to never go my way lol.

[glycerine]

My thoughts...

 

You had one long term relationship...it was a marriage.

 

 

.at your age and the factor you were married at 18 tells me you have had little experience in dating as an adult.

 

As a result reading how women think and operate at 30 is vey different than 16.

 

You need to date for the sake of dating snd learn east you like snd what you don't want.

 

Yeah, just for context I was bf/gf with my ex from 18yo, then married at 24 and split at 28. We're the same age.

 

I agree with what you say, but that applies to the moment I was just single. That was 2 years ago, I've dated a lot and done everything in between, to the point I don't have any problem at all getting women (sounds cocky, but I really have no problem) I'm satisfied with my current abilities.

 

The thing is that I find myself doing most of the rejecting, to the point my male friends tell me I'm way too picky.

It's just that I know I can afford to be picky, and I don't see the point on wasting my time. At first any date, specially bad dates, were good to earn experience; now I would say I don't know exactly what I want, but I do know what I don't want.

 

Thanks for your input!

[Toodaloo]

Take a break.

 

It just sounds like hard work.

 

And while dating and meeting new people is hard work it should also be fun...

[glycerine]

Take a break.

 

It just sounds like hard work.

 

And while dating and meeting new people is hard work it should also be fun...

 

Yeah, but how do you take a break from dating when it's intertwined with your life, I'd rather take chances than regret.

 

For example take this week, tonight I'm meeting with a bunch of friends and in this group is my main love interest at the moment.

 

I'm transitioning from friends to something more with this girl, I'm giving her the time to change her feelings towards me (she hasn't said this, but I've had this type of situation before, women need time), so meanwhile I meet with her the least possible.

 

While I do like this girl a lot I'm still single and I will go on friday to a pub with some friends, saturday I have a massive string of parties for one of my best buddies that's going to live abroad. So if a girl (or anyone for that matter) asks me: "are you single?" -regardless of how much I like the girl- the truth is I'm single.

 

But cue the one person that asked me above "Do you sabotage a potentially good relationship because the thought of finding someone better creeps in your mind?"

 

Spot on I suppose.

[Redhead14]

Hi there,

 

In short I realize just now I prefer Long Term Relationships over being single and having plenty of women. But I just don't have it in me to do the silly/romantic things that involve a LTR.

 

It's a long story, I'm 30, before getting married I always prefered steady girlfriends rather than hookups.

After my divorce (10 year relationship) my initial feeling was to avoid hookups and look for something serious, I thought I was still on "couple mode" or rebounding, so I tried and I better myself, lost 70 pounds, dressed better, and re-learned how to get women.

 

Fast forward two years and I LOVE being on my own, I'm very introverted and I'm never bored being alone, I also have much more very close friends than the average person.

With regards to love/romance I've had one meaningful yet short 6 month relationship (I ended things, great girl), some great short things with foreign while travelling abroad, a whole lot of random dates.

 

So I think it's safe to say that I tried different things to know what I feel it's what I prefer. And I ended right where I started.

 

Recently things are turning romantic with a girl I admire a lot, I've been after her for some time, and I like her above all the others atm. But once she started to show me her feelings something inside me went cold, would be the best way to describe it.

 

I write poetry (actually good poetry, long story too) and I've always considered myself a romantic, but I just feel tired, and while going out and meeting women gave me ego boosts at the beggining, now it just doesn't fill me.

 

Ps. I guess a great example of the change is that when I used to meet a nice new girl I would project my romantic hopes on her, I would end up disappointed when I realized the girl on my mind was different than the actual girl (not the girl's fault, which made me feel worse).

Now I don't expect anything...at all from the girl, which is supposed to be the best to avoid unnecesary suffering, so now I don't suffer, but neither to I dream/crush,etc.

 

I LOVE being on my own, I'm very introverted and I'm never bored being alone -- Basically, because of this, when you do start feeling close to a woman, you begin to feel that you are losing or would be giving up what's seems to be your natural lifestyle preference.

 

Yeah, you get a little lonely sometimes, so you seek someone to date. When it starts feeling like you're losing yourself, you pull away and shutdown.

 

I'd recommend simply casually dating women who only want casual relationships and make sure you both are on the page early in the dating scenario and then manage your emotions and expectations with your lifestyle preference in mind.

 

I also want to say that being in a relationship with someone does not/should not mean that you give up your own life. You can date and have a meaningful relationship with someone that doesn't intrude on your lifestyle. Lot's of people date and have significant others who live by themselves and don't want to marry or live with anyone. As long as the two of you are on the same page for lifestyle preferences, it can work. You'd need a woman who isn't too needy, who is very independent and secure and likes her space too.

 

This only addresses the lifestyle issue. It's another thing if you are unable to develop emotional connections and are afraid of the emotional intimacy. That's another story altogether. Fear of losing oneself in a relationship/freedom and fear of the intimacy sometimes go hand in hand or there can be one without the other too. So you'll need to evaluate that for yourself.

Edited July 20, 2016 by Redhead14

[Toodaloo]

Yeah, but how do you take a break from dating when it's intertwined with your life, I'd rather take chances than regret.

 

For example take this week, tonight I'm meeting with a bunch of friends and in this group is my main love interest at the moment.

 

I'm transitioning from friends to something more with this girl, I'm giving her the time to change her feelings towards me (she hasn't said this, but I've had this type of situation before, women need time), so meanwhile I meet with her the least possible.

 

While I do like this girl a lot I'm still single and I will go on friday to a pub with some friends, saturday I have a massive string of parties for one of my best buddies that's going to live abroad. So if a girl (or anyone for that matter) asks me: "are you single?" -regardless of how much I like the girl- the truth is I'm single.

 

But cue the one person that asked me above "Do you sabotage a potentially good relationship because the thought of finding someone better creeps in your mind?"

 

Spot on I suppose.

 

Your answer to those is "yes I am very happily single thanks".

 

Yes you do stay away from women with whom you may have (or they may have) romantic interest and you take a break.

 

On a run if you are tired and need a drink do you then turn round and say to yourself "I can't stop because I may miss something if I do not carry n running"? No you stop you have a drink take a rest stretch then you carry on.

 

Same principle.

[glycerine]

I LOVE being on my own, I'm very introverted and I'm never bored being alone -- Basically, because of this, when you do start feeling close to a woman, you begin to feel that you are losing or would be giving up what's seems to be your natural lifestyle preference.

 

Yeah, you get a little lonely sometimes, so you seek someone to date. When it starts feeling like you're losing yourself, you pull away and shutdown.

 

I'd recommend simply casually dating women who only want casual relationships and make sure you both are on the page early in the dating scenario and then manage your emotions and expectations with your lifestyle preference in mind.

 

I also want to say that being in a relationship with someone does not/should not mean that you give up your own life. You can date and have a meaningful relationship with someone that doesn't intrude on your lifestyle. Lot's of people date and have significant others who live by themselves and don't want to marry or live with anyone. As long as the two of you are on the same page for lifestyle preferences, it can work. You'd need a woman who isn't too needy, who is very independent and secure and likes her space too.

 

This only addresses the lifestyle issue. It's another thing if you are unable to develop emotional connections and are afraid of the emotional intimacy. That's another story altogether. Fear of losing oneself in a relationship/freedom and fear of the intimacy sometimes go hand in hand or there can be one without the other too. So you'll need to evaluate that for yourself.

 

 

Damn, you really nailed it, specially the first part. First of all thanks for you reply.

 

I always tell women I'm looking for something casual, they say they do too, but 99% of the time it's just that the girl likes me and says so with the hope that I'll change my mind later. Or better yet that SHE'll be the one that changes me.

The girl I dated for 6 months won't give up on the idea that I might get tired and go back to her. I'm not, it makes me feel like **** somehow.

 

Regarding having my lifestyle being crushed by a relationship, I guess it's because I gave everything I had in order to make my marriage work, I lost my health (physical & mental) during that time. It really feels like the genie is out of the lamp and I can't imagine going back.

At the same time at the very end of my marriage we started developing a life of each own and started drifting apart very quickly, in the end we were too different.

 

Of course I know it won't be like exactly that again, I'm not the same person, part of the reason I started my whole "journey" to change was to modify completely how I behaved on relationships, so I don't regret anything, really.

 

So I believe what you say that a LTR with someone who's independant it's possible too, the girls I like usually have this type of personality too.

 

Regarding fear of emotional intimacy I would say it's there alright, given all the crap I see some women pull on unsuspecting guys.

 

It must be my looks or attitude, but more than once I've also been the guy women approach to cheat on their bf. They never tell me about the bf btw. I usually find out later. That just to name something which isn't very shocking. I don't judge people, but most women (I seem to encounter) nowadays don't practice any selfcontrol and just act on whims. I guess I've seen too much for my own good.

 

So yeah #TrustIssues big time.

[glycerine]

Your answer to those is "yes I am very happily single thanks".

 

Yes you do stay away from women with whom you may have (or they may have) romantic interest and you take a break.

 

On a run if you are tired and need a drink do you then turn round and say to yourself "I can't stop because I may miss something if I do not carry n running"? No you stop you have a drink take a rest stretch then you carry on.

 

Same principle.

 

You have a point.

Funny thing is I also consider the other person feelings a lot. I would hate to have sparked something on someone and just leave her there with no explanation, specially this girl with whom I'm actually very close friends with... before pheromones kicked in.

 

I once thought that getting away from it all and travelling would solve it, ....I met a very cute Australian during that trip... I don't complain, it actually feel selfish to complain with all the suffering in the world, but I can't help but to feel lost.

Edited July 20, 2016 by glycerine

[Redhead14]

Damn, you really nailed it, specially the first part. First of all thanks for you reply.

 

I always tell women I'm looking for something casual, they say they do too, but 99% of the time it's just that the girl likes me and says so with the hope that I'll change my mind later. Or better yet that SHE'll be the one that changes me.

The girl I dated for 6 months won't give up on the idea that I might get tired and go back to her. I'm not, it makes me feel like **** somehow.

 

Regarding having my lifestyle being crushed by a relationship, I guess it's because I gave everything I had in order to make my marriage work, I lost my health (physical & mental) during that time. It really feels like the genie is out of the lamp and I can't imagine going back.

At the same time at the very end of my marriage we started developing a life of each own and started drifting apart very quickly, in the end we were too different.

 

Of course I know it won't be like exactly that again, I'm not the same person, part of the reason I started my whole "journey" to change was to modify completely how I behaved on relationships, so I don't regret anything, really.

 

So I believe what you say that a LTR with someone who's independant it's possible too, the girls I like usually have this type of personality too.

 

Regarding fear of emotional intimacy I would say it's there alright, given all the crap I see some women pull on unsuspecting guys.

 

It must be my looks or attitude, but more than once I've also been the guy women approach to cheat on their bf. They never tell me about the bf btw. I usually find out later. That just to name something which isn't very shocking. I don't judge people, but most women (I seem to encounter) nowadays don't practice any selfcontrol and just act on whims. I guess I've seen too much for my own good.

 

So yeah #TrustIssues big time.

 

but 99% of the time it's just that the girl likes me and says so with the hope that I'll change my mind later -- Yes, there are immature women who will accept something less than they want when the man tells her his "truth" and will ignore it hoping he will change his mind. These women have their own issues to deal with. It is your "job" so to speak, to observe and realize when a woman is investing herself too much and then draw the line for them and you and simply cut them off. You're doing them a favor as much as yourself. Cut off the 6 month girl altogether. No contact. Keeping contact only fuels her belief that you're still thinking about her and might change your mind.

 

As for women approaching you because they want to cheat on their boyfriends -- well, there's some times no way to know for sure, however, you can ferret these women out fairly quickly with some well placed, innocuous questioning about their lives and listening carefully.

 

However, you may want to at least give some of the women who approach you a chance, because some of them may simply be secure and independent enough in their own right to take the leap herself and initiate with you. I'm just saying yeah, some women approach but it's simply because they are bold, brash and/or desperate not because they are independent and secure. Look at how they carry themselves . . .

 

Anyway, it's always a crapshoot but you just need to decide if you are completely happy with being a single man and be alone or if you want to have someone in your life at all.

[glycerine]

but 99% of the time it's just that the girl likes me and says so with the hope that I'll change my mind later -- Yes, there are immature women who will accept something less than they want when the man tells her his "truth" and will ignore it hoping he will change his mind. These women have their own issues to deal with. It is your "job" so to speak, to observe and realize when a woman is investing herself too much and then draw the line for them and you and simply cut them off. You're doing them a favor as much as yourself. Cut off the 6 month girl altogether. No contact. Keeping contact only fuels her belief that you're still thinking about her and might change your mind.

 

As for women approaching you because they want to cheat on their boyfriends -- well, there's some times no way to know for sure, however, you can ferret these women out fairly quickly with some well placed, innocuous questioning about their lives and listening carefully.

 

However, you may want to at least give some of the women who approach you a chance, because some of them may simply be secure and independent enough in their own right to take the leap herself and initiate with you. I'm just saying yeah, some women approach but it's simply because they are bold, brash and/or desperate not because they are independent and secure. Look at how they carry themselves . . .

 

Anyway, it's always a crapshoot but you just need to decide if you are completely happy with being a single man and be alone or if you want to have someone in your life at all.

 

I agree with it being my "job" to draw the line. I've cutted all contact with her, I try to be gentle whenever she contacts me, I don't send her signals of any kind. I don't think there's much else I can do.

 

About the cheaters, I usually never ask girls whether they have a bf or husband, if she has one, she's loyal and yet she likes me, she'll usually bring him up, a lot. Yet....nevermind.

 

Then there's the ones that don't bring him up. They even lie about their name sometimes. Not much I can do asking innocuous questions, they'll say whatever they feel at the moment. But for some it might work.

 

You're right on some women being more direct and this being indicative of they being more independent. But since I'm like that it seems that I'm more attracted to my polar opposite, shy girls, love them.

 

What I mean by approach is not "can I have your number?" I'm not that good looking lol. It's more like they strike a conversation asking something unimportant i.e."do you know when the park closes?" The type of very sutile actions that women do to let the man know they might be open to talk to them. I rarely ever miss those signals, even from shy girls, which are incredibly difficult to get sometimes.

 

But at clubs some women are just drunk and it's pretty sad actually. I don't waste my time with some people.

 

About what you said at the end, I'm happy, but I know there's a different kind of happy you get when being in a couple. But that side of me just feels kinda broken.