Why, why, whyyyyyyyyy

[Elliejayde]

I'm 34, my ex broke up with me 3 months ago. Stupidly we stayed in contact, until last weekend when it was his Birthday, he called me up and asked me to go see him. I did, we hooked up, but there was no emotion in it. But it made me realise that I'm done, I can't keep going back because he's all I've known for 7 years.

I've now not heard/text him in 4 days, which has been the longest in about 8 years. I'm literally a sobbing mess, cannot function. Called in sick at work, sitting in my apartment surrounded in tissues sobbing my heart out. Ugly crying. I know this is for the best, but I actually feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like I need to hold myself because if I don't I'm just going to break.

 

I've never experienced heartbreak like this in my life. He's planning a huge weekend party and I haven't the strength to get out of bed.

 

I know I need to not contact him for my own sanity, but this is killing me

 

EDIT - he's blocked on all my social media and phone.

Edited June 16, 2016 by Elliejayde

[Satu]

Sorry to hear that you are in this very painful situation.

 

 

Below is something I put together for myself, but some of might be useful for you.

 

 

1. Recognise that you are in the crisis phase, You are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or by using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently, that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently, that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

If you are on any prescription meds, take them as prescribed.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

 

 

Take care.

[peonyrose]

I'm 34, my ex broke up with me 3 months ago. Stupidly we stayed in contact, until last weekend when it was his Birthday, he called me up and asked me to go see him. I did, we hooked up, but there was no emotion in it. But it made me realise that I'm done, I can't keep going back because he's all I've known for 7 years.

I've now not heard/text him in 4 days, which has been the longest in about 8 years. I'm literally a sobbing mess, cannot function. Called in sick at work, sitting in my apartment surrounded in tissues sobbing my heart out. Ugly crying. I know this is for the best, but I actually feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like I need to hold myself because if I don't I'm just going to break.

 

I've never experienced heartbreak like this in my life. He's planning a huge weekend party and I haven't the strength to get out of bed.

 

I know I need to not contact him for my own sanity, but this is killing me

 

EDIT - he's blocked on all my social media and phone.

 

I know how you are feeling, I haven't eaten properly in 2 weeks, or slept. But I am letting myself for the most part feel the pain, its so hard I know. I am also at home alone in a very low place.

[whatnot]

I'm so sorry for your pain....just know you are not alone. Tramatic is an overused word. What you're going through is the true definition if the word.

 

You will begin to cry less...with less intenisity. But as it stands it can feel as if the tears will never end. Trauma itself is tramatic. But this does not kill you.

 

I'm so sorry. The above post is very well said. Number 2 has been a struggle for me. When I believe I'm over it...I continue to find I'm not. They'll be many emotions beside sadness.

 

7 years here as well. NC for just over 1 month now. (It was 6 weeks ago she admitted to seeing others and she requested I do the same. It's that "I can't believe this is happening" experience.....they don't come along that many times in a life time. It's still difficult to believe. This is as hard if not harder than my divorce of 10 years ago. I viewed this woman as my friend. She was my friend.

 

Yesterday, I worked out. (A major milestone for me). I'm 58 years old. I'd never experienced. this...The intensity nor the reality.

 

A miscarriage with my ex is the only experience I've known that caught be this off guard. That loss was intense...but much less all encompassing. ..time wise.

 

Being here helped me to know I'm not alone.

 

This too shall pass. But...it'll be a season...not an event.

 

Take care.

[smudge21]

You've got to let the grief come and work through it. It's better to let it out - cry, get angry, eat ice cream, drink rum (that's my solution) - then bottle it up, so just accept the way you are. What's happened when you hooked up is that prior to that you probably still thought the world of him. He was still on the pedestal and deep down you always thought/hoped everything would be perfect again. That sudden realisation that it isn't must've been like a sledgehammer to the face. A huge wake up call. As painful as that has been, it's probably for the best as so many of us hang on to hope for ages, never truly healing or letting go. Now at least you can see the truth and start to move on. It will take time however, but at least it shows you are a caring loving person. No shame in feeling like you are, just don't give up as one day you'll be healed and look back at this and wonder why you were hurting so much over someone who cared so little. You'll get there. Stay strong.

[Trinity7]

I feel for you x. For all of us. It's the most painful thing ever. Day 5 of NC here. I've been trying distraction techniques today-- forcibly divert your thoughts or attention every time they pop into your head. I repeat a mantra to keep my thoughts in check. Or sometimes focusing on something physical can help-- like looking at the clouds intently and noting every detail to keep your mind occupied, or focusing all your attention on the sensation of your cheek touching your pillow when you're trying to sleep. One minute at a time.. Hang in there x

[Iamlostin]

I am so sorry to hear about this and know you are not alone, personally I think "Satu" said it best however I would just add to remember this, "this is only temporary" the sadness and hurt. It's been almost a month since my ex and I broke up and I realized its poison to both of us to communicate. In order to move forward you're gonna cry, you're gonna have to be upset but let it run its course. 8 years is a LONG time and I know it's not easy, but keep in mind life moves on whether you are there to catch up or not. Don't allow yourself to get caught up. Let the healing process occur, but don't let it consume you. This healing process starts with YOU, allow yourself to feel and then it is time to look deep in yourself and accept that it is over. That's the hardest part, Atleast for me. Please keep me updated, o wish you all the best

[Elliejayde]

Thank you all so much. It was really nice to hear from people to help. My friends are all happily married or LTR's, been good to a certain point, now they've stopped asking when I need them the most.

 

I'm on day 5 of not being in contact. I'm in hell. Day 5 and I know that not speaking to him is for the best, I've 12 days to go to beat my record from last time when I caved and broke it. I've deactivated Facebook and changed all my Twitter details. I've also made it clear to any mutual friends I don't want to know, after finding out he's in a major party town this weekend.

 

My main objective from today is to try to keep this hole from being exposed. The whole part of me that he was in. That's 3/4 of me. I want to stop sobbing. I want to stop wondering why he's not thinking of me, why he's not attempted to get me. I'm wanting to actually start caring about me again, when I'll feel up to having my hair done, having my nails done again.

 

Top and bottom of it is I want to be me again, the me from 8 years ago that had never heard of him.

[Dawns eyes]

I am right there with you. Day 6 NC. But it has been on and off for three months. The longest I have gone is 8 days. I can honestly say that contactin him first has always been so painful. I am determined to make it past 8 days. Every time I get the urge to text him I think "if I do I am not going to get the repose I need or want" or "what I have been doing up until this point hasn't been working. I need to do something different"

 

The crying has been replaced by anger that he could bench me, abandon me and reject me. I still miss him incredibly and am still so confused. But I refuse to give in to him and to feed his ego by letting him know o am struggling.

 

Hugs and strength

[SoleMate]

Time is the solution. In roughly 6-8 weeks the severe pain will have lessened, as long as you maintain strict NC. That includes you blocking him on every portal. Protect your NC investment and good luck.

[sooshi]

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through, Elliejayde. He has been such an important part of your life, and for at least eight years. Not having him in your life is like losing your identity, and not knowing who you are without him. It hurts so much.

 

Now, you have a chance to find out who you are without him. You can get your hair done, your nails done, and do what you want. Discover new things about yourself, including your resilience, your courage, and your worthiness.

 

I'm proud of you for blocking him and doing what you can for your healing journey. That's a strong indicator that you DO care about yourself, that you DO value yourself, and that even though you are hurting, you are taking action so that you won't need to hurt unnecessarily.

 

Keep posting on here if you want/need to. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Take time for yourself, and be gentle with yourself. <3

Edited June 17, 2016 by sooshi

[Elliejayde]

I've printed that out Satu, and it's by my bed. I'm going to read it every morning! Thank you. Sincerely.

 

I've just deleted what's app & the 60,000 messages (yes, really) I had a good 20 min cry after I'd done it. But I couldn't bear to have the messages on my phone. I really do miss him at the moment.

[Elliejayde]

Today is hard. This time last week we were together, I knew that I would feel awful today, but this takes the cookie. I've decided I've got to go out rather than sitting in my apartment all day sobbing (which was all of last week!)

 

This is the longest we've ever not spoken for - in 8 years. It's now been 6 days, I've almost caved so many times. Last night I sat and looked at his (blocked) number on my phone, no intention of ringing him, just looked at his name and number. (I've deleted the pic of the 2 of us from his phone contact and changed his name from the nickname to his actual name. He's still blocked, but those things made it more real.

 

I don't really know what I'm achieving with writing this, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

 

I got asked out on a date via a friend yesterday, that thought made me feel sick! She didn't realise everything that has kicked off last weekend, that I finally accepted it was done. A male friend of hers asked if I was still single. She screenshot the message and sent it me. I tried Tinder when we first split, but because i was still chatting to my ex, he saw it on my phone & was devastated. (He doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me either.) I'm not ready to date ...... Or should I be putting myself out there giving me someone else to think about rather than dwelling on what I'm never going to have again?

[smudge21]

I think you're expecting miracles here. No one heals that quickly from any wound. You'll date when you want to date, don't force it. Just focus on finding your own inner happiness (rather than expecting happiness to come from another person being in your life). I know it's tough, but we've all been there and got through it. You will too. It's just that for now, you've got to weather this storm. It's been months for me since I last spoke to her, truly spoke to her and it still hurts occasionally, but each day just gets that little bit easier.

[sooshi]

Like smudge said, date when you want to/are ready to date.

 

Go at your own pace. Focus on your well-being for now.

 

Take care.

[Elliejayde]

Today I realised that there is always a reason that I could contact him. After 7 years of a relationship and 8 years in each other's lives, there's always a reason. I also know if I text him, he'd reply. I know that with every piece of me, and that's reassuring. But I need to change that habit, everything good, bad, funny, sad, I'd of text him, rang him to tell him. There's been several times this week when I could of reached out, but I know I need to focus on me now. It's hard, and I miss him desperately, but I need too.

 

I've also realised that I'm now alone, only child, my father died, and my mom lives a 6 hour drive away. My friends are all happily married/LTR's and I've now no one to share things with. Guess that's why I'm here.

[Trinity7]

Hey, hope your morning is going ok x Mornings are the hardest time for me.

 

Personally I don't think you would feel good if you went on a date this soon.. Even though you've technically been broken up 3 months, the recent ending of all contact makes it like it just happened. It's just too painful to think about dating I think, and wouldn't really lead anywhere because your ex is still the only one you can think about. I'm in the same boat, can't even fathom liking someone else ever again, let alone right now. It's just sickening

 

I've had some luck feeling a tiny bit better by hanging out with friends and family though. Even though we mostly just talk about my breakup, there are moments when I'm distracted and don't think about him for a couple minutes. Every second of reprieve helps. Maybe stick with that as opposed to dating for now.

 

Our timeline is similar-- day 8 of NC for me today. That was the longest week of my life.. It feels like it's been months. Ugh, so awful. I'm truly sorry you're going through this too x. I think you said you're 34-- I'm 35.. It adds another dimension to things because we were ready and willing to be in committed and serious relationships for the long haul.. The idea of starting over again makes me panic.

 

It's rare that I like someone enough to seriously date them, like only every couple years or more, so it's overwhelming to think about going another year or more before I even find someone I would consider dating I really thought he was the one, so I'm mourning the loss of the future I thought I was going to have along with the loss of him. I've never been so down and hurt in my life. I know it's the same for you x. And I know we'll get through this somehow even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

 

I have also found comfort in writing pro/con lists.. Really focus on the cons, even minor things.. It helps remove the rose colored glasses. I have used this technique in past breakups and was always somewhat comforted by the cons side, but when I did it for my current ex, my eyes were actually opened more by the pros side.. I noticed most of the pros were surface things, things that aren't going to be that hard to find in a future mate. It kind of helped me put things in perspective..

 

Maybe they weren't as great as we thought.. Maybe this incredible pain is tied to something deeper than "just" the breakup (as if that wasn't already going to be bad enough!). I'm starting to think this breakup triggered some deeper issues in me-- abandonment and rejection issues from childhood in particular. It would explain why I'm SO low. I'm a very sensitive person, but don't normally spin out of control this far. It's something to think about anyway. If we can pinpoint what the breakups triggered in us, we can focus on those things instead of just the overwhelming pain and sense of loss.

 

I'm thinking about you and sending positive vibes your way! x

[Trinity7]

Just saw your post that you don't have friends or family readily available to distract you That really sucks, I'm sorry x. Definitely use this forum and also maybe try something like meetup.com? It's not a dating site, just a common interest site. Everything from book clubs to hiking groups. It may offer you some distractions. I don't know where you are (I'm in Virginia, U.S.), but maybe there are other broken hearts on here local to you that could hang out. If you're anywhere near me, I'm game x

[Elliejayde]

I'm day 8 of NC, and you know what I've had a good day!! Yes, he's still 98% of my thoughts, but today I've felt good.

 

I took myself out for coffee this morning, spoke to an older lady about a book she was reading, bought my niece some Birthday presents, went for a walk, tidied my apartment, and had a complete overhaul of my wardrobe. Booked my nails in for a mani, made a hair appointment, and had a complete overhaul of my Facebook page. Deleted 364 people, now I'm down to 186 people who I'd like to hear about. Deleted my Twitter completely!

 

Tomorrow I'm aiming for another 12k steps on my Fitbit app, visiting my ex work colleagues and a bit of shopping. I'm also eating much better!

 

I'm no where near feeling like me, but I spent most of last week curled up sobbing. This week is about finding me again, and loving me for who I am now, me rather than me & him.

[Trinity7]

That's great!! So glad to hear it I've managed to have a bright spot here and there as well.. Hope it continues for us both!

[Elliejayde]

How are you today Trinity?? Been thinking about you

[Elliejayde]

Yesterday was weird. The universe decided to remind me of him in every possible way! We had nicknames, like most couples. He was a certain marvel character and I was a Disney character. when cleaning out 'our' apartment (the lease is out next month, moving nearer my job.) I opened a drawer - that I use frequently, and in the bottom was a figure of this marvel character. Ok, never seen that before. Put it to one side and carry on cleaning. About an hour later, I ran down to Starbucks, (the only thing I can stomach at the moment!) and a little girl was wearing the dress of the Disney character. Fine, ok. She's dressing up. The lady in front pulls out something from her purse and the same Disney character figure falls out. Lands by my foot, as I bend down to collect it for her, I half stumble backwards into the man behind me. As I stand up to apologise, he's wearing the marvel character top. Turns out he's been in the store next door to buy it as a woman 10 minutes before split coffee on him!

 

A car very similar to his drove past my apartment at least 7 times. It's not him, he's 200KM away on a course. Plus I'd recognise his from the bump I put in it from reversing into a post.

 

I went to the grocery store after and they were playing "our" song, so headphones go in, typically on shuffle, my phone is playing exactly the same song! *must remember to delete it* then the man on the next checkout is wearing my ex's cologne. Ugh.

 

Thanks Universe.

 

Today is 10 days NC. I miss him. I miss us. I miss silly things like being able to text him with silly things I've seen, laughing until we cry at completely random things that no one else ever pretended to understand. Most of all I miss the person he used to be, not the person that ran from 2 separate situations instead of talking to me. That person I don't know.

[Tottenhang]

How are you today Trinity?? Been thinking about you

 

How are you guy. Hope you are okey so far?

[stillafool]

I've also realised that I'm now alone, only child, my father died, and my mom lives a 6 hour drive away. My friends are all happily married/LTR's and I've now no one to share things with. Guess that's why I'm here.

 

Just because your friends are happily married does not mean you can't talk and confide in them your feelings. They are your friends afterall.

[Elliejayde]

Just because your friends are happily married does not mean you can't talk and confide in them your feelings. They are your friends afterall.

 

Sadly, I don't think they are. It's fine. I'm journaling and I'm the only person I really need anyway.