2 Dates with this guy and I think he's using me for sex? [update 2016-08-01]

[kolleamm]

Date him, see what happens. The experience gained from it will be valuable. I don't regret any of my failed dates.

[smackie9]

This guy irritates you, makes you feel insecure, drinks too much, possibly chats up other girls, doesn't reciprocate flirtation and blows it off rudely....what part of that says BF material? You need to ditch this chump.

 

I speak from experience...giving a guy the benefit of a doubt is not worth the trouble....you are wasting your time.

[moonchild94]

This guy irritates you, makes you feel insecure, drinks too much, possibly chats up other girls, doesn't reciprocate flirtation and blows it off rudely....what part of that says BF material? You need to ditch this chump.

 

I speak from experience...giving a guy the benefit of a doubt is not worth the trouble....you are wasting your time.

 

I mean I feel insecure in general. It's not just him. I feel like that with all the guys. Yes he irritates me because I want to speak with him more and wish he could be a bit more considerate. That's what I meant by me being greedy. But for some reason I feel like if I left he wouldn't really care anyways. I tried to leave before and he was didn't seem to care that much I guess. Yeah, he probably is chatting up other girls. Even though he said he does not multiple date. I just thought he would be different because he contacts me everyday and we talked over the phone about what we wanted out of this from each other. I really do enjoy talking with him. I'm kind of thinking of trying to stick it out until Monday because that's when we have our 3rd date. Just to see and plus 3rd time is the charm.

[moonchild94]

Is this a good sign?

We had a 3rd date yesterday. He won me a stuffed animal, we cuddled in the movie, and then we hung out with his best friend and brother. They were all very chill and nice from what I can see. His best friend was telling me some good advice and we talked a lot of intellectual stuff. My date was drunk but he was cute and running around. He would often come up to me as well and cuddle and hug me from behind. His best friend told me my date was a good guy. The whole time my date was kinda being touchy and his friends kinda looked away as being uncomfortable. So I'm a little nervous they felt bad because maybe he does this to all the girls he introduces to them. He also said he really sees us as something. Then, later I told my date I was a virgin. He's 25 and I'm 22. I felt very nervous because thats my skeleton in the closet and I normally dont tell my dates that because I'm scared it will make them run away. I told him I dont have experience in that field and I normally don't tell people this and asked if he was just looking for sex. He said no, I wanted to take things slowly, but if you thought I just wanted sex I should've just played you, in a joking manner. I asked him is it okay that I have no experience? He said okay, whatever. He thinks I'm judgmental on myself and that relationships are more than sex. He said sex is just a plus, that's all. He said that he asked his friend about me, he said his friend said I seem nice and chill, but only time will tell. So after that we kissed. He called me when we drove home and we fell asleep on the phone together. I'm nervous that by telling him im a virgin that things will go down hill.

[CollegeKid101]

I do not think it will go downhill. Most guys appreciate a girl who does not go around hooking up with just anybody, in my eyes it's very attractive..

 

Piece of advice for you though, my buddy started seeing a girl and she told him she was a virgin and they had sex immediately after. He lost interest within two weeks and stopped talking to her. My advice: do NOT give into this guy right away and make sure he's somebody you trust and would like to be your first whether or not you two end up together in the future. You would hate to have sex with him and then him bail on you like my friend did to this poor girl.

 

Personally, if I really liked a girl and she told me she was a virgin I would have no problem with it. I would respect her and take things slow to ensure she felt comfortable and trusted me.

 

Also don't overthink small things like his friends looking away because you think he hugs or flirts with all girls. Obviously he has hugged other girls before, but they probably looked uncomfortable because he was drunk and being touchy, not because he does this with everyone.

 

Good luck and have fun!

[moonchild94]

This guy I've been seeing from Tinder. Opened up to him and asked what he wanted. He said to find a relationship. Cool. We talked for a month. We talked a lot over the phone and snapchat. I asked him twice if he multi-dates, he said no. We continue to see each other. So fast forward to today. He was inviting me to a pool party at 3am in the morning. He was drunk and called me babe. I said why are you calling me babe? He said sorry, he just feels comfortable around me. So I told him you only flirt with me when you're drunk. Makes me think you're playing me.

 

That's when he spilled his guts out. He told me he really liked me and felt he was falling hard for me. That he was cheated on 4 times in a row and he was scared to open up again. He feels like he hit the jackpot and he's blessed because I'm similar to him. He said he doesn't care if he's being overly affectionate, that he only wants me. So he asked me to be his gf. I told him words are words, I can't easily be swayed.For him to call me and ask me over phone and not text. He called me, hes drunk. He told me he had a confession, that on the first date he lied. I asked him if he smoked weed. He told me he didn't smoke anything. So he said he smokes cigarettes. I told him that's fine, I don't really care about that. So he left the bar and called me again. It's 4am. He wanted to go to pool at 10am. My car wasn't working so he offered to drive to me, or if I could go to him and he will take me home. I told him I'll uber to him and then he can take me home. He lives really far from me. Anyways, it's 5am, we sleep over the phone. I wake up at 9am, I'm tired and he's telling me I have to be there at 11am to be able to get in. I'm running late and I'm getting stressed. I cancelled because I wouldn't make it in time by time I was done. He sounded a bit mad so I left him alone for an hour. I texted him apologizing that it was a bit too much and I'm sorry for disappointing. I'm a bit stressed and at a low in my life right now. We dont have to do the bf and gf thing right now, when I get my life together we can try again later if he gives me another shot.

 

He replied telling me when he's in, hes in. That when he makes a decision he sticks with it. He will be with me at my lowest and even though he says more when intoxicated, he will still be there for me. He's willing to ride this if the feeling is mutual. That he only wants me and that I'm his girl. I told him thank you it means a lot. So we slightly texted through out the day. He snaps me what he's doing. He's at an arcade with friends, etc. But then it started to decrease. He goes 4-5 hours without a reply. It's 8pm. He told me he just woke up from a nap. I called him so we could plan because we are supposed to meet the next day. No answer. So I texted him thats okay. I'll just call you tomorrow and hopefully you're up. No reply. This isn't like him to ignore me like this. I checked tinder, it said he was active today. So I thought oh no... was I fooled again? I was livid but I told myself to wait it out until today. So I wake up this morning and at 4am I saw that he's at Karaoke with his brother, and some other girls. I'm like okay? Then he tagged me in something on facebook at 5am. I haven't heard from him at all today as well. He told me all of this stuff that he's scared to open up, that he really likes me and that he thinks im worth the risk. But he's still actively searching? He asked me to be his gf, and less than 24 hours he ignores me? Is he scared? Did I do something wrong? I dont know what to do to be honest. I don't even know if he's going to reach out to me. He can go out with other girls, Idc, the only thing that has me not trusting him is asking to be my bf and he was active on tinder the same day. I told him I dont normally trust people and it's hard to open up to them. I told him I will trust him because he makes me feel safe. Now I see again I can't trust people. Again I feel like I'm being stringed along. Again I was played like a fool. Now I'm not sure If I confront him or wait until he reaches out to me. Idek if he will reach out to me. I'm pretty bummed. But I feel highly disrespected as well. Idk if he's scared? Or if he deliberately did this on purpose? Was the sob stories all a lie? I overlooked that he goes drinking every single night. Parties every night. Also that he has psoriasis. A grown man that seems to be stuck in his partying days. He's 24 almost 25 in one month. What should I do?

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

To be honest, with you canceling dates and bringing this "low point of my life/stressed" negative vibe, you should have seen this coming. Most men do not want that kind of energy around them. Especially when they're not sleeping with the woman. The guy is 25 and obviously still in his exploration/"playa" stage. Leave him be. Get you life together, get out of this 'low point" and date when you are in a better place.

[moonchild94]

To be honest, with you canceling dates and bringing this "low point of my life/stressed" negative vibe, you should have seen this coming. Most men do not want that kind of energy around them. Especially when they're not sleeping with the woman. The guy is 25 and obviously still in his exploration/"playa" stage. Leave him be. Get you life together, get out of this 'low point" and date when you are in a better place.

 

Okay but I suggested that? I told him if he wants to give me another shot later then do so but I need to get my life together? He's the one that said he wants to continue this. That he will continue until I say otherwise. so how exactly does hearing that kind of stuff bother him? He's a grown man that only shows affection to me when he's drunk. He drinks every night. Stays out until 7am. Telling me he is stressed out as well because he can't pay his car payment and needs another job as well. Waking me up by calling me at late hours but I compromised because I liked him. So please explain how me being at a low point and apologizing for flaking on a beach club with his friends and other girls as a "date" when it was last minute that he asked me at 4am?

[AMJ]

This is all way too much drama and nonsense for someone you've been on a few dates with.

 

You sound like you're asking for a marriage proposal. You have a TON of rules and hangups about every little thing- when to call you, what to say, he can't call you babe, he can't flirt with you when he's drunk, he can't Facebook you at certain times. You need to relax. This is all just way too much.

[moonchild94]

This is all way too much drama and nonsense for someone you've been on a few dates with.

 

You sound like you're asking for a marriage proposal. You have a TON of rules and hangups about every little thing- when to call you, what to say, he can't call you babe, he can't flirt with you when he's drunk, he can't Facebook you at certain times. You need to relax. This is all just way too much.

 

I never said he couldn't do all of those during a certain time. He does of all of that! It's common courtesy to contact someone back if they text or call you? I called him just to plan things. He avoided it. Like I said I had no problem with him having a life. MY PROBLEM is that he asked me to be his gf but it seems like he's still actively searching. I'm not telling him to contact me every single second. He does that. He asked me to be his damn gf the same day and asked me to go to a beach club with random people. He knew I had car troubles. He opened up to me and asked me out. He only flirts when he's drunk. When he's sober he doesn't flirt back when I do. That's my dilemma. He sends me multiple snaps. I just reply. I don't pound him to contact me at certain times, but it's just weird that he avoided my calls and text but was out karaoking with girls? He did this before. We talked on the phone and he hung up on me when talking to a girl over a gaming system. It's disrespectful. I tolerated it, but now I don't think it's right. I'm in no way a strict person for having someone contact me. If they're busy then reach out to me later. There's a difference between busy and avoiding. He's the one that initiated every day for a month. So exactly HOW do I have rules?

[AMJ]

I don't even have the energy to point it all out to you, but pretty much every single thing you've said has been something that he does which frustrates you. He took too long to text you back, you've asked him many many times if he's only looking for sex, he keeps reassuring, then he wants to be your boyfriend, you say he didn't ask you the right way, he's texting you while he's drunk, you don't like that, flirting with you when he's drunk, you don't like that either, talking to other girls- and you're not committed to him yet either, but don't like that, ugh. You really just need. to. calm. down.

Or find a guy who doesn't like to drink and party this much. This isn't working out for you.

[stillafool]

This all just sounds like too much drama. If I were the guy I'd be bored by now.

[moonchild94]

Honestly this is too much. I'm not asking for much. I'm very patient and tolerated his rude actions already. He was about to tell me he loved me after 1 month. He uses his sob story way too much about how he was cheated on.

 

I was this close to trusting him but I'm not going to. Obviously the signs are there. He's still on tinder so I'm not satisfying him enough. I asked him when he wanted sex. He said he didn't want it yet, he wanted to take it slow. He doesn't know what he wants. He drinks every single night. Im not exaggerating. I'm not stressing myself out over this.

 

I was going to send him a text to let him know how I felt but it's not even worth it. Just because my life isn't together doesn't mean he should avoid the girl he just asked out. His life isn't together what so ever. He's a damn mess but I accepted him. So if he can't accept that my "car" isn't working for a few days and I'm just temporarily down then **** it. Like I said I'm normally NOT like this. This is a rare time that my life is in absolute shambles.

 

I apologized because I felt bad because he said he's scared of rejection. I wanted him to know I wasn't rejecting him. He came at the wrong time is all. Even if it was the right time, he wouldn't be any different. If he wants to contact me I'll be here. I left he last message so it's up to him. He lies, he's an alcoholic, he has no future, and I'm not holding my standards this low. People that are saying I'm demanding too much, I haven't demanded a damn thing. All I ask is to be on the same page. The fact he is avoiding me shows he doesn't respect me. So screw it.

Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[moonchild94]

This all just sounds like too much drama. If I were the guy I'd be bored by now.

 

Excuse me?

How the hell am I giving him drama?

This is only on the thread. I leave him alone and wait for him to contact me.

I came here asking for assistance on the situation.

He's the one that calls me multiple times during the day.

I said I just found t weird how it's avoiding me the day he asked me out drunk?

[CarrieT]

Excuse me?

How the hell am I giving him drama?

I think the point is HE is causing too much drama. Or both of you, collectively are too embroiled in nit-picking apart everything to the extent that neither of you are really comfortable with each other to the point that there is a viable relationship.

 

Seriously, if you have to second-guess his every action and in-action, it is time to move on.

[clia]

You left him a message saying you'd call him today. Have you done that?

 

Honestly, I agree with the other posts. This is way too much drama, neediness, discussion, and questions at this stage of your relationship. This should be a fun time in your relationship, and you just don't seem compatible with this guy.

 

Also, you don't have to answer your phone when it rings at 3 or 4 in the morning.

[moonchild94]

I don't even have the energy to point it all out to you, but pretty much every single thing you've said has been something that he does which frustrates you. He took too long to text you back, you've asked him many many times if he's only looking for sex, he keeps reassuring, then he wants to be your boyfriend, you say he didn't ask you the right way, he's texting you while he's drunk, you don't like that, flirting with you when he's drunk, you don't like that either, talking to other girls- and you're not committed to him yet either, but don't like that, ugh. You really just need. to. calm. down.

Or find a guy who doesn't like to drink and party this much. This isn't working out for you.

 

It's not normal to drink every single night.

He said he has a drinking problem.

I never said I don't like it.

He's the one that said he loves me.

How can I not be skeptical?

I have to guard myself and defend myself.

He could say all of that but the fact is that he is still on tinder.

Despite him asking me out.

That's what I'm not getting.

Yeah it's not working out for me.

I'll just end this and stay away.

Too much stress.

[moonchild94]

You left him a message saying you'd call him today. Have you done that?

 

Honestly, I agree with the other posts. This is way too much drama, neediness, discussion, and questions at this stage of your relationship. This should be a fun time in your relationship, and you just don't seem compatible with this guy.

 

Also, you don't have to answer your phone when it rings at 3 or 4 in the morning.

 

No I haven't called him.

Because now I feel too clingy seeing that I'm causing too much drama apparently.

I didn't see it as clingy because before he would call me all the time, snap me and text me multiple times during the day. So I thought it was okay if I did it as well. But he doesn't seem to like it.

I don't think I will give him a call or text him.

Other people are saying he's getting bored now.

So I guess I'll just leave it alone.

[katiegrl]

It's not normal to drink every single night.

He said he has a drinking problem.

I never said I don't like it.

He's the one that said he loves me.

How can I not be skeptical?

I have to guard myself and defend myself.

He could say all of that but the fact is that he is still on tinder.

Despite him asking me out.

That's what I'm not getting.

Yeah it's not working out for me.

I'll just end this and stay away.

Too much stress.

 

^^I think the point AMJ and most of us are trying to make is you should have ended this lunacy 7 pages ago!

 

No need to over-think, over-analyze, and dissect it all to the nth degree, a guy isn't behaving in a way that is acceptable to you, YOU WALK AWAY.

 

Quietly.

 

If/when he contacts you again you tell him very simply and succinctly it isn't working for ya.... wish you well and take care.

 

You really tolerated way too much BS moonchild, way more than necessary.

 

And in the process of tolerating that BS, you yourself became caught up and caused yourself to appear like the drama queen....

 

See how what was at first his drama and his BS.... flipped around and caused it to look like it was your drama and BS?

 

That was your own doing.

 

Next time, when a guy pulls this type of crap.... it's NO THANKS!

 

Don't allow yourself to get all caught up in the drama.

 

Cuz then it looks like YOUR drama which is precisely what has happened here.

 

Good luck moving forward!

[AMJ]

So the way to simplify everything is this- instead of trying to analyze and get hyper critical of every tiny thing, ask yourself if you think a good healthy relationship (which is what you are searching for) starts out this way. I've seen relationships begin from really odd and unusual circumstances but typically there's always some level of easiness in the beginning. Things should just click, you shouldn't feel stressed out or anxious. You should understand each other and communicate well. That's not happening here. This is all miscommunication and anxiety. And it's only been three dates?? Sheesh. No way, no how.

[moonchild94]

^^I think the point AMJ and most of us are trying to make is you should have ended this lunacy 7 pages ago!

 

No need to over-think, over-analyze, and dissect it all to the nth degree, a guy isn't behaving in a way that is acceptable to you, YOU WALK AWAY.

 

Quietly.

 

If/when he contacts you again you tell him very simply and succinctly it isn't working for ya.... wish you well and take care.

 

You really tolerated way too much BS moonchild, way more than necessary.

 

And in the process of tolerating that BS, you yourself became caught up and caused yourself to appear like the drama queen....

 

See how what was at first his drama and his BS.... flipped around and caused it to look like it was your drama and BS?

 

That was your own doing.

 

Next time, when a guy pulls this type of crap.... it's NO THANKS!

 

Don't allow yourself to get all caught up in the drama.

 

Cuz then it looks like YOUR drama which is precisely what has happened here.

 

Good luck moving forward!

 

 

I think I just wanted to actually have a relationship for once.

Despite all the bad signs I saw. I knew if a guy opens up this quickly, he has too much emotional baggage. I have enough of my own. I was just really pushing it even when I didn't like him like that. I just liked the idea of it. It's just very frustrating because I feel like I'm late to everything. Everyone has bf's but I don't. I was just trying to catch up. So I guess I just stop contacting him. If he talks to me, you said to end it and wish him luck. Don't explain myself to him right? Just tell him it's not working. If he asks why, which I doubt? What do I say?

[katiegrl]

I think I just wanted to actually have a relationship for once.

 

Despite all the bad signs I saw. I knew if a guy opens up this quickly, he has too much emotional baggage. I have enough of my own. I was just really pushing it even when I didn't like him like that. I just liked the idea of it. It's just very frustrating because I feel like I'm late to everything. Everyone has bf's but I don't. I was just trying to catch up. So I guess I just stop contacting him. If he talks to me, you said to end it and wish him luck. Don't explain myself to him right? Just tell him it's not working. If he asks why, which I doubt? What do I say?

 

This is desperation... which is never a good place to be while looking for a RL... or anything else for that matter.

 

Stop the search and spend some time with yourself for awhile... become comfortable with yourself.... happy and content with and by yourself.

 

Who gives an eff what everyone else has or is doing?

 

You need to take care of YOU. Do what feels right for you.

 

Surely this wasn't it. And I think you know that too. You just tolerated it because as I said you are desperate for a RL and you feel like every guy you meet, no matter how big of a loser he is, is your last chance.

 

That type of thinking and attitude is very flawed (and dangerous) and will only lead to frustrating interactions and disappointing and hurtful results.

[moonchild94]

So the way to simplify everything is this- instead of trying to analyze and get hyper critical of every tiny thing, ask yourself if you think a good healthy relationship (which is what you are searching for) starts out this way. I've seen relationships begin from really odd and unusual circumstances but typically there's always some level of easiness in the beginning. Things should just click, you shouldn't feel stressed out or anxious. You should understand each other and communicate well. That's not happening here. This is all miscommunication and anxiety. And it's only been three dates?? Sheesh. No way, no how.

 

Yeah. It's too much stress and it's only been 3 dates.

I just tried really hard to push it because I liked the idea of a relationship.

I think I got too embedded in seeing what he's doing and who he is with which started me into analyzing everything.

I just wonder to myself am I the toxic one?

I think I did pretty okay considering the last guy I was with I blew up.

But I haven't blew up and don't plan on it with this guy.

 

My question for you guys is:

 

Would you date someone like this?

I like going to parties and I don't mind it.

But are you okay with a guy that constantly drinks every single night?

i feel like I'm boring because I don't accept this.

He even got drunk before our second date and asked if I was disappointed.

I mean I think he clearly has an issue here.

I'm sure as soon as I leave he'll find someone else to tell his sappy stories to. Ones where he got cheated on 4 times in a row.

That's why I doubt his words. I feel like he just tosses them around when he's drunk.

[AMJ]

I'd never date a guy like that, nope. I like to have a good time, I like to drink. I don't get drunk every single night, and I never have. Even when I was in my early 20s I had work and school and never would have accomplished much if I had partied every night all night.

I'd also not answer phone calls or texts from a guy in the middle of the night- not much point in that. I'd not be attracted to a guy who brought so much old baggage into our first or second date.

 

I can think of two guys I dated who showed up for a date completely drunk. The first one made for a hilarious story and I never saw him again. The second one was old enough to know better and is just a guy who wants to be 25 forever. Either way that crap is a deal breaker.

 

You're not toxic, you're just young, not very experienced, and you really really want a boyfriend. Just like 95% of all women on earth. It's true you were pushing too hard too fast for a relationship and that's not going to work out, with this guy or any guy. You just need to relax and get to know the guy, and let things develop. He shouldn't be saying he's in love with you after three dates and a few weeks of texting and snapchats. You should try not to be so caught up in where he's spending his time and who with. Make yourself less available and make the guy chase you. Guys don't like to be chased.

Edited August 1, 2016 by AMJ

[moonchild94]

This is desperation... which is never a good place to be while looking for a RL... or anything else for that matter.

 

Stop the search and spend some time with yourself for awhile... become comfortable with yourself.... happy and content with and by yourself.

 

Who gives an eff what everyone else has or is doing?

 

You need to take care of YOU. Do what feels right for you.

 

Surely this wasn't it. And I think you know that too. You just tolerated it because as I said you are desperate for a RL and you feel like every guy you meet, no matter how big of a loser he is, is your last chance.

 

That type of thinking and attitude is very flawed (and dangerous) and will only lead to frustrating interactions and disappointing and hurtful results.

 

You're right. I knew this all along. I had it in the back of my head.

I just chose to ignore it because I was desperate.

I thought.... I could do way better than this.

Why do I keep allowing myself to date guys that have so much baggage?

They always have bad past tendencies as well.

I tend to attract guys that have bad habits on neurotics.

Last one had a habit of weed. This one had a habit of alcohol.

I read on line, whatever you reflect on the inside, are the kind of guys you will attract. No I'm not a smoker or drinker. But I'm very insecure with low confidence. Both guys had low confidence and were insecure. This current guy drowns himself in alcohol. That's how he copes.

Also, they both come from online. I think guys online go online for a reason because people won't put up with their mess in real life I guess?