2 Dates with this guy and I think he's using me for sex? [update 2016-08-01]

July 20, 2016

Everything you've said here about your conversations with him show tons of insecurity. Insecurity entails all of the anxiety you have about whether or not this guy wants to "use you" for sex. Him talking about a skin condition isn't insecurity, that's him letting you get to know him. I think you're missing the point of what I said, and I don't really know how to explain it better.

Thinking that most guys use you for sex....that's not healthy
Do you not enjoy sex or want it also? It really sounds like you just need a good long break from dating.

Well, because every single guy I encountered wanted that. What else am I supposed to think? I took a long break from dating and I'm just getting back in. I can't help but assume the worse with every guy I encounter because literally that was all they wanted. They did not want to get to know me. They did not care. They only cared about themselves. I mean, I guess about the skin condition isnt a insecurity. But what about him telling me all his exes cheated on him and he spoke badly about them. That shouldn't raise a flag for me? I'm analytical. I analyze everything.

July 20, 2016

If you go into it assuming the worst, the worst will happen. At the least, maybe the worst won't happen but nothing good is going to happen. Also, things don't happen to you, you contribute to all the situations you find yourself in. That includes being with guys who only want to have sex and nothing more- if that's the case. Of course all the men you encounter want to have sex with you, that's the way they're wired. If you're this worked up about having sex with them, just don't it. Sex should be fun, not stressful.

July 20, 2016

If you go into it assuming the worst, the worst will happen. At the least, maybe the worst won't happen but nothing good is going to happen. Also, things don't happen to you, you contribute to all the situations you find yourself in. That includes being with guys who only want to have sex and nothing more- if that's the case. Of course all the men you encounter want to have sex with you, that's the way they're wired. If you're this worked up about having sex with them, just don't it. Sex should be fun, not stressful.

Yes. I understand that. Well, maybe what's contributing to my anxiety is that yes I am very insecure on how I look and how they will feel if they see me exposed. Also, I am a virgin so I'm scared about that. If they just had sex and left me I would be devastated because of my first time.

July 20, 2016

soooo you say guys keep using you for sex but you've never had sex before. Makes no sense.

July 20, 2016

Ok I don't understand what you are looking for OP.

Are you looking to date? Or to meet people as platonic friends.

If it's friends, then use meetup or clubs/groups.

Do not use tinder. Any mention of friends/meeting people/hangouts etc is code for casual, hookups. Dtf.

If you are looking to date, tinder can work. Just make sure you don't use Amy of these ambiguous code words.

One thing you need to understand. If a guy is interested in you romanticially, if he finds you attractive, he is going to want to have sex with you. You seem to think this is a bad thing.

July 20, 2016

soooo you say guys keep using you for sex but you've never had sex before. Makes no sense.

Just because I haven't had sex doesn't mean they won't use me for it? How does it not make sense? I live in a city where no one gets to know one another. They smile in your face a few days and then get down with the sex. It's highly common here. I would like to get to know someone.

July 20, 2016

Ok I don't understand what you are looking for OP.

Are you looking to date? Or to meet people as platonic friends.

If it's friends, then use meetup or clubs/groups.
Do not use tinder. Any mention of friends/meeting people/hangouts etc is code for casual, hookups. Dtf.

If you are looking to date, tinder can work. Just make sure you don't use Amy of these ambiguous code words.

One thing you need to understand. If a guy is interested in you romanticially, if he finds you attractive, he is going to want to have sex with you. You seem to think this is a bad thing.

No I don't think it's a bad thing. I just don't want it to be a one night thing and then they disappear. I put on my profile looking for new people to hangout and go try restaurants with. I match with girls as well. I was looking to meet people just as platonic friends but then I met this guy and he said they were dates. I was unaware of that. So now I'm going with it. When we first texted each other we just talked about we should go to this place. Or we should try this place it looks fun. I asked him during our first hangout are we inviting other people. He said no. So obviously he and I were on different pages. Now, I'm kinda getting interested in him.

July 20, 2016

Moonchild we all live in cities where people smile in your face for a few days then get down with the sex. I've lived in more than one city where that happens.

I don't want you to get used for sex, that sucks. Just trying to help you sort this out. The type of guy who is only looking for casual sex is usually easy to spot. He'll probably try to have sex with you as soon as possible and stop talking to you if you don't have sex with him. Or if you do start having sex with him, he'll only contact you when he wants to hook up and will always avoid making plans in advance. He's not gonna go to Sunday brunch.

Now the guy who wants to date you and wants a relationship, is going to make plans in advance, yes, he'll try to sleep with you too, but he'll wait for you to be ready and won't pressure you to have sex. When you do decide to sleep with this guy, he's not going to disappear because he wants a relationship.

Using words like "casual" and "just friends" signals to most people that you are looking for casual sex. If you don't want a one night stand, don't have sex with the guy on the first date, it's that simple.

July 21, 2016

Moonchild we all live in cities where people smile in your face for a few days then get down with the sex. I've lived in more than one city where that happens.

I don't want you to get used for sex, that sucks. Just trying to help you sort this out. The type of guy who is only looking for casual sex is usually easy to spot. He'll probably try to have sex with you as soon as possible and stop talking to you if you don't have sex with him. Or if you do start having sex with him, he'll only contact you when he wants to hook up and will always avoid making plans in advance. He's not gonna go to Sunday brunch.

Now the guy who wants to date you and wants a relationship, is going to make plans in advance, yes, he'll try to sleep with you too, but he'll wait for you to be ready and won't pressure you to have sex. When you do decide to sleep with this guy, he's not going to disappear because he wants a relationship.

Using words like "casual" and "just friends" signals to most people that you are looking for casual sex. If you don't want a one night stand, don't have sex with the guy on the first date, it's that simple.

Yeah. Well it doesnt matter anymore. Just found out it was onesided anyways. He just used me as a past time basically.

July 21, 2016

I didn't say I wanted sex nor do I use it as a weapon. I went on the site to meet new people. Which people use these days, not just for hookups. Which I stated twice. Or they use it to mess with people. He asked me on dates second of all. When I went on the dates that's when I started to gain interest. I already asked him last night what he wanted from thjs. He's the one that asked me about relationships. So I asked him what does he want from this. He said he wanted to find someone to invest time in and meet new people. That he enjoys hanging out with me whether it's a date or not. Is he lying? Probably. But at least I'll know if he is by his actions now. I don't understand why you are saying I'm dictating this or that. I'm not dictating ANYTHING. I went with the flow but I also need to know if he and I are on the same page. If he was looking for a casual partner thing, let me know so I can step away. Nothing complicated about that. It's called communicating and saving time for both people instead of thinking sex this or that. You want sex then say it and cut the bull.

Your on Tinder.. that's like me walking into Burger King and not wanting fast food I wouldn't do that! I think that's the very core of the issue. Your using a hammer and what you want is a saw. You might want to try a different app for dating if that's your ultimate end goal or maybe an app for finding friends. You really should decide exactly what you want. It seems like your flip flopping all over the place as to what it is you want and expect. The guy you met appears to want to explore a relationship yet you expect she just wants to pump and dump. Have you considered that your not ready to date at the minute.

Edited July 21, 2016 by longjohn

July 21, 2016

Your on Tinder.. that's like me walking into Burger King and not wanting fast food I wouldn't do that! I think that's the very core of the issue. Your using a hammer and what you want is a saw. You might want to try a different app for dating if that's your ultimate end goal or maybe an app for finding friends. You really should decide exactly what you want. It seems like your flip flopping all over the place as to what it is you want and expect. The guy you met appears to want to explore a relationship yet you expect she just wants to pump and dump. Have you considered that your not ready to date at the minute.

But maybe he was? Perhaps my instincts were right the whole time. I actually just saw my guy,who sent me sincere messages yesterday saying he wants more than friends and that he thinks flings are boring, at a lake with a another girl. Also, he stopped texting me. So there you go. I tried other online dating websites and I got hurt even worse from another guy that stopped talking to me as well and I drove out to see him in another state. I observe.. I notice. I analyze before I meet these guys and open up. I always end up getting hurt. That is why I assume and think they all do the same thing.

Edited July 21, 2016 by moonchild94

July 21, 2016

Just because I haven't had sex doesn't mean they won't use me for it? How does it not make sense? I live in a city where no one gets to know one another. They smile in your face a few days and then get down with the sex. It's highly common here. I would like to get to know someone.

First of all, NO ONE CAN USE YOU UNLESS YOU LET THEM! Take that power back and realize that you are in charge and responsible for your body. You would have to give them the okay to use you. You don't plan to do this so why worry? If this is causing you this much anxiety maybe you shouldn't be dating right now.

July 21, 2016

You can't go into dating scenarios being suspicious of every guy on the first date or before even. It's very unfair to assume that all men are "dogs". You have to give them an opportunity to show you who they are and communicate. You go on a couple of dates, observe how they date you, how they come across to you. If they want sex early, you don't have to do it. If the guy respects that you don't want to be intimate and he really likes you, he will continue to ask you for dates. If he disappears, then it's likely all he wanted was sex. It's simply a fact of dating -- some men only want sex, some men want a relationship, some guys don't know what they want.

And, just because they want sex, it doesn't make them a dog either. They have needs and want to have them met. So, they look for women who want that too. There isn't anything wrong with that, it's just not who you are. They aren't bad people to be afraid of. Sure, there are some men who will use a woman, but its the woman's job not to allow herself to be used by not being intimate soon, creating boundaries and observing.

You're not ready to date for a relationship for sure. Just date casually, without intimacy for a while just to get a sense for people/men. Get some experience. You'll probably go through a number of casual dating scenarios but you'll gain experience.

You're basically jumping into the dating pool, but you don't know how to swim yet

July 21, 2016

Yes but isn't that what a "dating profile" is for? If that is the intention of the majority, why the hell would they have the need to mislead people by saying they are looking for a serous relationship? Would it not be easier for everyone that just wants to get laid just say so? Who needs to waste time playing games?

I totally agree with you Smackie. You would think people would state what they really want in these dating profiles but unfortunately in my experience they don't. I have been on a few dating sites where I match with men who are " looking for a relationship" only to find out they just want sex and nothing more. I would think the honest approach would save time and hurt feelings but a lot people like to play the games.

A friend of mine told me that for men or in his case, the reason why he plays around with women is because its a stroke to his Ego. It makes him feel powerful that he can lie and manipulate a woman into believing he's down for her when hes really not. He also told me that men like a challenge, so they go for women that are hard to get. Once they have them, they won. Its crazy and it makes me sick.

July 21, 2016

I totally agree with you Smackie. You would think people would state what they really want in these dating profiles but unfortunately in my experience they don't. I have been on a few dating sites where I match with men who are " looking for a relationship" only to find out they just want sex and nothing more. I would think the honest approach would save time and hurt feelings but a lot people like to play the games.

A friend of mine told me that for men or in his case, the reason why he plays around with women is because its a stroke to his Ego. It makes him feel powerful that he can lie and manipulate a woman into believing he's down for her when hes really not. He also told me that men like a challenge, so they go for women that are hard to get. Once they have them, they won. Its crazy and it makes me sick.

Yes and then there are men who make it clear they are not looking for a relationship but only a FWB. The woman accepts this but after sex decides she wants more and when he doesn't she claims to have been used or labels the man a "dog". I don't think this is fair either.

July 21, 2016

I totally agree with you Smackie. You would think people would state what they really want in these dating profiles but unfortunately in my experience they don't. I have been on a few dating sites where I match with men who are " looking for a relationship" only to find out they just want sex and nothing more. I would think the honest approach would save time and hurt feelings but a lot people like to play the games.

A friend of mine told me that for men or in his case, the reason why he plays around with women is because its a stroke to his Ego. It makes him feel powerful that he can lie and manipulate a woman into believing he's down for her when hes really not. He also told me that men like a challenge, so they go for women that are hard to get. Once they have them, they won. Its crazy and it makes me sick.

There are also men who categorize women as either casual or serious after a few dates. There are some who don't know what they want, the same can be said for women too.

July 21, 2016

I have been on a few dating sites where I match with men who are " looking for a relationship" only to find out they just want sex and nothing more.

Some men reevaluate what they want from a specific woman as they continue dating. My goal may be a relationship and I see relationship potential in a woman on the first date. However, by date four, I may have discovered relationship deal-breakers and I now only see her as a casual partner. This doesn't mean I lied to her or lied on my profile. It just means I no longer saw relationship potential in her and I've downgraded her to potential FWB.

July 22, 2016

Yes and then there are men who make it clear they are not looking for a relationship but only a FWB. The woman accepts this but after sex decides she wants more and when he doesn't she claims to have been used or labels the man a "dog". I don't think this is fair either.

I definitely agree. I am not knocking men who make it clear about their intentions when it comes to a relationship. I would prefer a man to tell me straight up that he wants NSA or FWB before we even start dating so at least then I know how to treat the situation. And I do agree that there are women that agree to a FWB or NSA and then become attached and get bent out of shape when the guy is not interested in more.

My point was with online dating I notice in my case men have lured me in by stating in their profile they are looking for a "serious relationship" when they are really not. I normally find this out on the first date by having a normal conversation and asking what they want. Nothing wrong with them not wanting more, but I do think its inconsiderate for them to lie and waste time.

July 22, 2016

Some men reevaluate what they want from a specific woman as they continue dating. My goal may be a relationship and I see relationship potential in a woman on the first date. However, by date four, I may have discovered relationship deal-breakers and I now only see her as a casual partner. This doesn't mean I lied to her or lied on my profile. It just means I no longer saw relationship potential in her and I've downgraded her to potential FWB.

Which I can understand. From my experiences with online dating, I find out that the guy doesn't want anything serious on the first date. We could be having a conversation and I'll ask again what hes looking for and his answer is different from what he initially told me from the beginning. I don't make it to a second, third or forth date because he expressed to me he doesn't want anything serious.

I am not sure what I could be possibly doing to make a guy reevaluate having a relationship with me on the first date, but I have come across this quite often.

Maybe its me

July 22, 2016

Which I can understand. From my experiences with online dating, I find out that the guy doesn't want anything serious on the first date. We could be having a conversation and I'll ask again what hes looking for and his answer is different from what he initially told me from the beginning. I don't make it to a second, third or forth date because he expressed to me he doesn't want anything serious.

I am not sure what I could be possibly doing to make a guy reevaluate having a relationship with me on the first date, but I have come across this quite often.

Maybe its me

They will say they are looking for a relationship in a profile because they know that's what most women want to get their foot in the door, so to speak. Then, if the woman asks them when they meet, they will be honest. They also know that lots of women will ignore what they've heard and continue to date them and have sex with them and sometimes they bail right after and sometimes they stay with it for a while, etc.

Bottomline is if you get two different responses, the woman should bail. Or, sometimes, they are looking for a relationship, but for whatever reason, they don't see that happening when they meet the woman in person. I've met up with men from OLD myself, who seemed good on "paper"/virtually, but when I met him, I was like Meh. He was nice enough etc, he just didn't strike a fancy in me. And, he shouldn't have taken it personally -- I didn't know him well enough to make a personal assessment per se unless he did something heinous when we met. Usually, it was a very nice conversation, a drink or two and then we went our separate ways. Sometimes they would call me and I'd be honest -- "had a nice time but I don't feel like we are a good match".

July 23, 2016

We didn't meet in the greatest place. Tinder. I was looking for some male friends/girl friends just to hang out and talk to. Met this guy and he automatically talked to me right off the bat. He was very sweet and talked a lot. 1st time we hung out we went bowling. He considered that a date, I didn't. He asked me on another date. We went to a movie. He held my hand. It was cute. However, I dressed up really pretty and everyone was complimenting me except him. He didn't compliment me even once. Ever since then we talk everyday. He calls me after his work. Even when he goes out to parties he calls after and we talk. However, there are times where he falls asleep on the phone when we talk. I already had "the talk" with him. Asked him what he's looking for. He says he wants to find someone to invest in for the the long term. I asked him how is his search going. He said well he's interested in one thing and that's me. That he wants to date me and be more than friends. I said I want to genuinely get to know someone and I will date him to try it out. I asked him does he multi date, he says no but he used to and it got boring. He's a sweet guy for the most part. There are things that irritate me about him but that's just me being greedy. He also says that he's shy but when he's drunk he's affectionate and flirts with me a lot. He drinks a lot by the way. But when I flirt with him he makes it seem like he doesnt like it. He just says haha thanks. That's it.

Now the only things that get me going crazy and anxiety attacks are my insecure thoughts that he's talking to other girls. I know how guys function and I'm sure he is using me. I'm trying really hard to try and trust him even though we talked about this. He says he doesn't multi date but I went on Tinder to snoop and he was online 1 day ago. We aren't exclusive so I cant ask him why is he still on there and be mad... even though he said he doesnt multi-date. He invites me places to hangout with his friends but I say no. We even talked about what we wanted in a future. He was asking me if I want kids. He had his all planned out that he wanted 3 kids. I told him that's awesome and I think he will have a great family in the future. We've known each other for 3 weeks so far. I enjoy talking to him. Our lifestyles are completely different. He goes out a lot and drinks. I don't like alcohol, but ill drink socially. He hangs out with a lot of people and goes to parties. I used to but now I just have 2-3 friends I hang around. However, we are both goofy and love talking to each other. He's 25 and I'm 22. He thinks he's old and he can't do things like he used to, but he still does. He tells me he wants to take me places and foreshadows a lot into the future. Idk if players do that a lot. I don't think it's fair to him because I'm always going to think he's going to use me and hes playing around with me. I will never know his true intentions. I haven't seen that many red flags. Except one night when we were talking he said he had to go and would call me back. I told him to call me back when hes finished. He was on snapchat later but did not call me back. So I got anxious and thought he's talking to someone else and very angry because if he didn't want to talk then just say talk to you later and goodnight. This was at 4am in the morning by the way. Who else would be up to talking to him? Idk. But as you can see, I have a big insecurity problem and then those signs I presented in which idk if I should stay or if I should go. We are two opposites and he knows it, but he still says he wants to try it out. But with my thinking, I'm not sure if I can make it. I assume too quick.

Edited July 23, 2016 by moonchild94

July 23, 2016

Words don't mean anything. People can tell you the most beautiful lie and then do something completely unexpected.

What do your instincts say? Does him falling asleep on the phone with you sound respectful to you? What about the no compliment from him?

Trust yourself not his words.

July 23, 2016

You received 7 pages of advice about this guy on your other thread.

July 23, 2016

You received 7 pages of advice about this guy on your other thread.

K. That's cool you located my other thread. But now I'm asking a different question.

July 23, 2016

Words don't mean anything. People can tell you the most beautiful lie and then do something completely unexpected.

What do your instincts say? Does him falling asleep on the phone with you sound respectful to you? What about the no compliment from him?

Trust yourself not his words.

My instincts are 50/50.

50% wants me to stop overthinking and try it out. Either way I can get hurt in the end. But I want to experience dating. I don't have a lot of options and he's the only one kind enough to talk to me.

other 50% says he's probably lying like most other guys. Everyone lies and has another agenda. He's probably bored.

With him falling asleep on the phone, I thought it was cute at first. I didn't mind it. People said it was a good thing. But then I went online and people said it's disrespectful. About the compliment from him, I was going to see on the 3rd date if he would compliment. If not I was going to ask him why and then decide if I should leave or not.

Thats why I came to you guys for help. lol. Trying to think more rational than with anxiety this time.

Sign In

2 Dates with this guy and I think he's using me for sex? [update 2016-08-01]

Recommended Posts

moonchild94

AMJ

moonchild94

AMJ

joseb

moonchild94

moonchild94

AMJ

moonchild94

longjohn

moonchild94

stillafool

Redhead14

Brknbtstrng73

stillafool

SwordofFlame

Shining One

Brknbtstrng73

Brknbtstrng73

Redhead14

moonchild94

kolleamm

introverted1

moonchild94

moonchild94

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...