2 Dates with this guy and I think he's using me for sex? [update 2016-08-01]

July 19, 2016

I never really understand how sex is always perceived to be something that the "man wants"...like omg, men only want sex, or they are all about sex.

As far as I can tell, I have never had sex with anyone, first date or otherwise, that they didn't enjoy it too...sometimes even more than I did. Wanting or enjoying sex is not exclusive to the male gender. I would say that at least 50%, if not more, of the time I am having sex, the WOMAN initiates it first.

July 19, 2016

FYI, If a guy bails on you, it isn't because you made him wait for sex like you believe, it's because he got to know you well enough to realize you have issues.

...or b/c you did not put out soon enough...or he found someone else better, more receptive to putting out... Let's be comprehensively REAL here...

July 19, 2016

Okay,thanks. I didn't see your answer on last thread. I feel so weird asking him what are you expecting out of this. What if he starts pulling back? How should I send the text? Should it say: " Hey, so now that we are going on dates, what exactly are you expecting out of them?"
I can't multidate. It's not in me. When I'm dating someone I focus on them. I tried texting other guys at the same time but it just doesn't work out. *shrugs* Im too oldfashion.

What type of relationship were you expecting to get when you said on Tinder you wanted to "hang out"? To me, that sounds like a girl who isn't looking for anything serious and wants to multi date.

For the record, I don't think you should bring any of this up to this guy unless you want him to ghost. It's way too soon to be having relationship talks. Just date him and see where things go. He hasn't even tried anything with you, so I'm not sure why you are convinced he's trying to use you for sex.

July 19, 2016

What type of relationship were you expecting to get when you said on Tinder you wanted to "hang out"? To me, that sounds like a girl who isn't looking for anything serious and wants to multi date.

For the record, I don't think you should bring any of this up to this guy unless you want him to ghost. It's way too soon to be having relationship talks. Just date him and see where things go. He hasn't even tried anything with you, so I'm not sure why you are convinced he's trying to use you for sex.

Beat me to it clia.

moonchild, please please PLEASE do NOT be asking him what his goals or expectations are. Or any other type of questions like that.

Not even "generally" speaking. Guys know what's up with those "generally speaking" questions, you're not fooling them, trust me.

Keep things in perspective. You "hung out" once and haven't even had a real date yet for heaven's sake... have some faith and stop over-thinking this.

These type of questions are WAY too heavy at this VERY early stage in the game.

Be light, fun, easy, breezy, playful... and sexy (which doesn't mean sex necessarily).

Those are the things guys are attracted to... and what pulls them towards you.

Personally speaking, I have NEVER had to ask any of my boyfriends any of these type of questions. And never would.

I go by his ACTIONS and maintain my boundaries. As I date him and get to know him... if I feel something is off... then I trust my own judgment and perception and next him.

I have said this many times here.... choose wisely from the getgo and avoid disappointment/hurt later.

If you are not able to judge your own perceptions, then learn how. It's not hard....

We ALL have intuition.... and most, if not all, of the time we KNOW when something feels OFF. Pay attention to that.

Don't sweep it under the rug as so many people do.... that is where folks get into trouble.

Edited July 19, 2016 by katiegrl

July 19, 2016

Beat me to it clia.

moonchild, please please PLEASE do NOT be asking him what his goals or expectations are. Or any other type of questions like that.

Not even "generally" speaking. Guys know what's up with those "generally speaking" questions, you're not fooling them, trust me.

Keep things in perspective. You "hung out" once and haven't even had a real date yet for heaven's sake... have some faith and stop over-thinking this.

These type of questions are WAY too heavy at this VERY early stage in the game.

Be light, fun, easy, breezy, playful... and sexy (which doesn't mean sex necessarily).

Those are the things guys are attracted to... and what pulls them towards you.

Personally speaking, I have NEVER had to ask any of my boyfriends any of these type of questions. And never would.

I go by his ACTIONS and maintain my boundaries. As I date him and get to know him... if I feel something is off... then I trust my own judgment and perception and next him.

I have said this many times here.... choose wisely from the getgo and avoid disappointment/hurt later.

If you are not able to judge your own perceptions, then learn how. It's not hard....

We ALL have intuition.... and most, if not all, of the time we KNOW when something feels OFF. Pay attention to that.

Don't sweep it under the rug as so many people do.... that is where folks get into trouble.

Please re read. No we did not hang out once. First time we hung out and went bowling. He won the bet and said he gets to take me on a date. 2nd time we went to the movies and dinner. Now he's thinking about taking me on a 3rd date. No worries I havent sent the what are your intentions message. Im just keeping it cool. Im just going to have fun with no strings attached. I figured people will talk to whomever, whenever. Theres no winning against it. If someone wants me, then come get me. If not ill be chilling in my grass area not giving a damn.

Edited July 19, 2016 by moonchild94

July 19, 2016

What type of relationship were you expecting to get when you said on Tinder you wanted to "hang out"? To me, that sounds like a girl who isn't looking for anything serious and wants to multi date.

For the record, I don't think you should bring any of this up to this guy unless you want him to ghost. It's way too soon to be having relationship talks. Just date him and see where things go. He hasn't even tried anything with you, so I'm not sure why you are convinced he's trying to use you for sex.

I thought hanging out was just for fun and getting to know people. Idk I look through a rose tainted window half the time. I keep forgetting not everyone looks at it that way. Eh. Oh well. Idk if he's looking for sex. He was holding my hand during the movie and rubbing his fingers on my palms. I heard that was a sign for it. Even though I was expecting a kiss. He didn't try. He didn't lean in or anything. But then again half the time I look away fast so who knows.

July 19, 2016

I thought hanging out was just for fun and getting to know people. Idk I look through a rose tainted window half the time. I keep forgetting not everyone looks at it that way. Eh. Oh well. Idk if he's looking for sex. He was holding my hand during the movie and rubbing his fingers on my palms. I heard that was a sign for it. Even though I was expecting a kiss. He didn't try. He didn't lean in or anything. But then again half the time I look away fast so who knows.

moonchild... I have five brothers and if I have learned anything from them (combined with my own experiences), ALL men are looking to have sex, assuming they are attracted to you.

The questions is -- is that ALL they are looking for.

The men I date do want sex with me (the sooner the better) in addition to wanting a RL.... eventually.

But knowing whether or not you want a RL takes time... it takes spending time together and getting to know each other...

The first thing they are thinking is "when am I gonna get to have sex with this chick"?

And there is nothing wrong with that! That's how they operate... sex first, RL second.

Or maybe not. It depends on how good the sex was, AND how you behave after the sex. If you get all clingy and needy after the sex, they're gonna run.

If you're relaxed and fun, they'll stick around.

With most women it's the opposite. RL first, then sex.

You just gotta have faith in your connection and trust your own judgment and perception.

And if you are not ready for sex and whatever happens afterwards, then say NO. Simple as that. YOU have control here, it's YOUR choice.

Edited July 19, 2016 by katiegrl

July 19, 2016

Okay,thanks. I didn't see your answer on last thread. I feel so weird asking him what are you expecting out of this. What if he starts pulling back? How should I send the text? Should it say: " Hey, so now that we are going on dates, what exactly are you expecting out of them?"
I can't multidate. It's not in me. When I'm dating someone I focus on them. I tried texting other guys at the same time but it just doesn't work out. *shrugs* Im too oldfashion.

You don't text regarding anything important that needs to be discussed. You wait until he asks you for another date and then casually make a statement about what you are looking for for yourself and let him tell you what he wants for himself. You aren't saying that it's him for you, just what your dating goals are.

What if he starts pulling back? -- If he does, he won't be pulling back because you opened this conversation, he'll be pulling back because he doesn't want what you want overall and he's hearing a confident, secure, smart woman who knows what she wants, doesn't want to waste anyone's time, be a one-night stand or be strung along . . .

July 19, 2016

You don't text regarding anything important that needs to be discussed. You wait until he asks you for another date and then casually make a statement about what you are looking for for yourself and let him tell you what he wants for himself. You aren't saying that it's him for you, just what your dating goals are.

RH, I agree with you on most things, but not this. Not after a couple of dates.

I said this before but men can see right through those "generally speaking" questions... they're not stupid.

It's too soon to even bring up that stuff.

Just be light, easy breezy, FUN! That is what is gonna pull him.

Watch his actions and trust your own judgment...

Men will lie anyway. "Oh sure I want a RL... blah blah." Ugh.

NO ONE knows what they want with a particular person until they date them awhile and get to know them.

He can say whatever he wants, words mean jack in my book.

moonchild... let his actions be your guide... they will tell you everything you need to know.

Edited July 19, 2016 by katiegrl

July 19, 2016

You don't text regarding anything important that needs to be discussed. You wait until he asks you for another date and then casually make a statement about what you are looking for for yourself and let him tell you what he wants for himself. You aren't saying that it's him for you, just what your dating goals are.

What if he starts pulling back? -- If he does, he won't be pulling back because you opened this conversation, he'll be pulling back because he doesn't want what you want overall and he's hearing a confident, secure, smart woman who knows what she wants, doesn't want to waste anyone's time, be a one-night stand or be strung along . . .

If he starts pulling back then I will know and I will just walk away then. He texts me everyday. But now that Im discussing this and thinking about it. I'm starting to pull back. His texting conversations are starting to suck. They're more silly rather than actual conversations now. Idk if he's doing it to get on my nerves now or if he's just comfortable. But I'm starting to pull back because I think, he's being silly sending stupid conversations and probably texting some other girl nicely. Idk I dont feel special anymore or that spark now.

July 19, 2016

• First off, I met this guy on Tinder. However, I specifically put in my profile I'm looking for people to HANG OUT with only.

OK, from a guys perspective, any time I see that on Tinder I assume she is just looking for hook ups. And I think most guys would assume the same.

July 19, 2016

...or b/c you did not put out soon enough...or he found someone else better, more receptive to putting out... Let's be comprehensively REAL here...

Because every man op has dated bailed on her for not putting out on the first date.

Let's talk about reality and the chances of that actually being the case.

And if op is that unlucky then I suggest she stay out of casino's and not waste her money on basket raffles.

July 19, 2016

RH, I agree with you on most things, but not this. Not after a couple of dates.

I said this before but men can see right through those "generally speaking" questions... they're not stupid.

It's too soon to even bring up that stuff.

Just be light, easy breezy, FUN! That is what is gonna pull him.

Watch his actions and trust your own judgment...

Men will lie anyway. "Oh sure I want a RL... blah blah." Ugh.

NO ONE knows what they want with a particular person until they date them awhile and get to know them.

He can say whatever he wants, words mean jack in my book.

moonchild... let his actions be your guide... they will tell you everything you need to know.

Spot on.

And not to be crude (who am i kidding) but i don't want to hear anything about "us" until the woman has shown me what she brings to the bedroom.

As a guy we also have to make sure a woman isn't just using us for attention and wasting our time.

so that needs to be kept in mind.

OK, from a guys perspective, any time I see that on Tinder I assume she is just looking for hook ups. And I think most guys would assume the same.

yup.

July 20, 2016

Is this normal? I've been texting this guy for a few days. We met on Tinder so I'm not taking it seriously. However, he's been initiating everything. We were supposed to hang out, but I got an anxiety attack from life. I got really depressed and quit my job. I worried about money so I cancelled and said I had an emergency. He said oh no what happened is everything okay? Then he said it's okay and theres a next time. Few hours later he texted again asking how I was doing. We exchange a few more texts. He asks if I've been snow boarding. Invites me to go snowboarding with his friends soon, and to meet his friends in general, but I haven't met him yet? He's very sociable and knows a lot of people. I'm nervous because idk where this is going. I'm at a low point in my life. I tried walking away but he keeps texting me. I want to get to know him because he seems nice. But I've been burned in the past as well twice in a big way. What should I do? Is this healthy to pursue? Idek if he likes me in that way? Idk if he's going this length just for sex. It doesn't seem like it. He has other pictures of him with girls on his social media with them just hanging out, so I'm just assuming he's being friendly? I can't tell the difference between friendly and flirting, and I just dont want to end up like a fool in the end like always. It's always one sided for me.

I got as far as tinder then read the title of your post again. I put 2 + 2 and got 4. Someone correct me if I'm wrong here but... Tinder = hookup app. I even checked Google.. the urban definition of hookup and it's as follows:

1. received goods or services as a favor

2. to make out with someone

3. to have sex with someone

I'm going to guess number 3 might apply in his mind. I mean after all it's tinder. It's kind of like me going to the pub and drinking 12 pints and not expecting to drunk? Maybe your on the wrong app for relationships.

July 20, 2016

Spot on.
And not to be crude (who am i kidding) but i don't want to hear anything about "us" until the woman has shown me what she brings to the bedroom.

As a guy we also have to make sure a woman isn't just using us for attention and wasting our time.
so that needs to be kept in mind.

yup.

But he doesn't even mention anything about sex. The only intimate thing we've done was hold hands during and after the movie on our 2nd hangout/date. He was twiddling his thumb on my hand. I was waiting for a kiss. I even put our clutched hands on my lap. I leaned my head towards him as well. Like, I don't know. This guy hangs out with his friends a lot. Which I find great. He has a life. But he doesnt know what he wants to do with his future. He drinks everyday. He invites me to hang out with his friends and to meet them but then he cancels and says they're going to do something else. I'm willing to take things slow but it seems like he isn't. He proposed a 3rd date but with him changing plans so often idk. Im getting frustrated already. Idk how to approach this and ask him exactly what he wants. He texts me everyday saying good afternoon or morning and etc. I know it's too soon but im getting frustrated and sad. I'm starting to pull back. Once I do, I want to let him know so we are on the same page.

July 20, 2016

I got as far as tinder then read the title of your post again. I put 2 + 2 and got 4. Someone correct me if I'm wrong here but... Tinder = hookup app. I even checked Google.. the urban definition of hookup and it's as follows:

1. received goods or services as a favor
2. to make out with someone
3. to have sex with someone

I'm going to guess number 3 might apply in his mind. I mean after all it's tinder. It's kind of like me going to the pub and drinking 12 pints and not expecting to drunk? Maybe your on the wrong app for relationships.

1. No. I specifically put in my profile that I was looking to hangout. Not everyone is on there for hookups actually.

2. I asked him if he was talking about sex when we first hung out and he said no. I made sure before I met this guy if he wanted sex to let me know.

3. I've tried being intimate on our 2nd time hanging out. He didn't kiss me. We held hands, I even sat closer and he did nothing.

So please exactly tell me what I'm doing wrong because I AM communicating.I'm asked him does he want sex. He said no. He took me on dates instead. He's the one that brought up past relationships. This is frustrating me. I know what to do when someone wants just sex. I tell them I'm going to waste their time and lets stop talking. This guy texts me everyday, so am I not subjected to ask him what does he want?

July 20, 2016

But he doesn't even mention anything about sex. The only intimate thing we've done was hold hands during and after the movie on our 2nd hangout/date. He was twiddling his thumb on my hand. I was waiting for a kiss. I even put our clutched hands on my lap. I leaned my head towards him as well. Like, I don't know. This guy hangs out with his friends a lot. Which I find great. He has a life. But he doesnt know what he wants to do with his future. He drinks everyday. He invites me to hang out with his friends and to meet them but then he cancels and says they're going to do something else. I'm willing to take things slow but it seems like he isn't. He proposed a 3rd date but with him changing plans so often idk. Im getting frustrated already. Idk how to approach this and ask him exactly what he wants. He texts me everyday saying good afternoon or morning and etc. I know it's too soon but im getting frustrated and sad. I'm starting to pull back. Once I do, I want to let him know so we are on the same page.

You are making yourself look like 7 different kinds of cray cray.

You: I don't want a hookup.

You: i just want to hang out as friends

You: I don't want to be used for sex

You: i'm not looking for sex.

Him: ok

You: why hasn't he tried to bang me?

WTF?

You had zero problems voicing what you didn't want.

Now how about you figure out what you do want and VOICE that to him.

You are making this WAY more complicated than it needs to be.

Edited July 20, 2016 by phineas

July 20, 2016

1. No. I specifically put in my profile that I was looking to hangout. Not everyone is on there for hookups actually.
2. I asked him if he was talking about sex when we first hung out and he said no. I made sure before I met this guy if he wanted sex to let me know.
3. I've tried being intimate on our 2nd time hanging out. He didn't kiss me. We held hands, I even sat closer and he did nothing.

So please exactly tell me what I'm doing wrong because I AM communicating.I'm asked him does he want sex. He said no. He took me on dates instead. He's the one that brought up past relationships. This is frustrating me. I know what to do when someone wants just sex. I tell them I'm going to waste their time and lets stop talking. This guy texts me everyday, so am I not subjected to ask him what does he want?

What your doing wrong is using the wrong tool for the wrong job then confusing the crap out of the guy you met. Personally I tend to ditch ladies that start dictating that I'll do A, B and C. I also run from ones that seek to use sex as either a weapon or a means of motivation. Sit down and think about exactly (if you even know) what you want then talk to him. If it isn't going to work and you want a relationship get off the hookup app.

July 20, 2016

You are making yourself look like 7 different kinds of cray cray.
You: I don't want a hookup.
You: i just want to hang out as friends
You: I don't want to be used for sex
You: i'm not looking for sex.
Him: ok
You: why hasn't he tried to bang me?

WTF?

You had zero problems voicing what you didn't want.
Now how about you figure out what you do want and VOICE that to him.

You are making this WAY more complicated than it needs to be.

There's nothing complicated about asking wtf someone wants from their end? I don't understand? It's not just a hookup site. Like I said people use it to meet new people. I already talked and asked him what he wanted anyways. I told him I don't like my time wasted. He said he only joined to meet new people. That he thinks flings are boring. Is he lying? Probably. But I'm actually glad I asked him because now I know if he was spewing bull****. I probably won't hear from him again. I didn't say I wanted sex. I said I was testing it out to see if that's what he wanted. He asked me out on dates so how the hell is he following hookup sites correctly.

July 20, 2016

What your doing wrong is using the wrong tool for the wrong job then confusing the crap out of the guy you met. Personally I tend to ditch ladies that start dictating that I'll do A, B and C. I also run from ones that seek to use sex as either a weapon or a means of motivation. Sit down and think about exactly (if you even know) what you want then talk to him. If it isn't going to work and you want a relationship get off the hookup app.

I didn't say I wanted sex nor do I use it as a weapon. I went on the site to meet new people. Which people use these days, not just for hookups. Which I stated twice. Or they use it to mess with people. He asked me on dates second of all. When I went on the dates that's when I started to gain interest. I already asked him last night what he wanted from thjs. He's the one that asked me about relationships. So I asked him what does he want from this. He said he wanted to find someone to invest time in and meet new people. That he enjoys hanging out with me whether it's a date or not. Is he lying? Probably. But at least I'll know if he is by his actions now. I don't understand why you are saying I'm dictating this or that. I'm not dictating ANYTHING. I went with the flow but I also need to know if he and I are on the same page. If he was looking for a casual partner thing, let me know so I can step away. Nothing complicated about that. It's called communicating and saving time for both people instead of thinking sex this or that. You want sex then say it and cut the bull.

July 20, 2016

Is this normal? I've been texting this guy for a few days. We met on Tinder so I'm not taking it seriously. However, he's been initiating everything. We were supposed to hang out, but I got an anxiety attack from life. I got really depressed and quit my job. I worried about money so I cancelled and said I had an emergency.

It sounds like you have too much going on yourself, and aren't coping with your own stress too well, to think about starting a new relationship. Given these issues plus your other unresolved issues with men and past relationships in general, you're not going to have much success dating right now. Whether it's this guy or the next, you're going to project your own insecurities onto him and it won't go well.

You seem to think the guy was using you for sex before you even met him. It's only been a few dates and from what you describe, he sounds like a pretty normal, nice guy who is not trying to use you for anything. In the future, if you're not ready to have sex with someone, just don't do it. You're not obligated to have sex with a guy just because he takes you to a movie. If he only wants sex and is not interested in more, the easiest way to find out is to not have sex with him and see if he sticks around.

July 20, 2016

It sounds like you have too much going on yourself, and aren't coping with your own stress too well, to think about starting a new relationship. Given these issues plus your other unresolved issues with men and past relationships in general, you're not going to have much success dating right now. Whether it's this guy or the next, you're going to project your own insecurities onto him and it won't go well.

You seem to think the guy was using you for sex before you even met him. It's only been a few dates and from what you describe, he sounds like a pretty normal, nice guy who is not trying to use you for anything. In the future, if you're not ready to have sex with someone, just don't do it. You're not obligated to have sex with a guy just because he takes you to a movie. If he only wants sex and is not interested in more, the easiest way to find out is to not have sex with him and see if he sticks around.

Actually I kept that to myself and I rescheduled with him.

I went on 2 dates with him and didn't show any insecurities with him.

I hid them. He actually was the first one to put his insecurities on me.

He told me he had a skin condition and asked me what secret did I have.

All of that other stuff he doesn't know. I probably won't have success in dating but for this one I went with it. Yes I do think most guys use me for sex because of their actions I pick up and heir choice of words. Usually I blindly ignore them and think otherwise but it's all the same.

July 20, 2016

I didn't say I wanted sex nor do I use it as a weapon. I went on the site to meet new people. Which people use these days, not just for hookups. Which I stated twice. Or they use it to mess with people. He asked me on dates second of all. When I went on the dates that's when I started to gain interest. I already asked him last night what he wanted from thjs. He's the one that asked me about relationships. So I asked him what does he want from this. He said he wanted to find someone to invest time in and meet new people. That he enjoys hanging out with me whether it's a date or not. Is he lying? Probably. But at least I'll know if he is by his actions now. I don't understand why you are saying I'm dictating this or that. I'm not dictating ANYTHING. I went with the flow but I also need to know if he and I are on the same page. If he was looking for a casual partner thing, let me know so I can step away. Nothing complicated about that. It's called communicating and saving time for both people instead of thinking sex this or that. You want sex then say it and cut the bull.

He's already told you what he wants which is bolded above. You said you were on the site to meet new people. You are both getting what you want so I don't understand why or what you are questioning about this guy.

July 20, 2016

Actually I kept that to myself and I rescheduled with him.
I went on 2 dates with him and didn't show any insecurities with him.
I hid them. He actually was the first one to put his insecurities on me.
He told me he had a skin condition and asked me what secret did I have.
All of that other stuff he doesn't know. I probably won't have success in dating but for this one I went with it. Yes I do think most guys use me for sex because of their actions I pick up and heir choice of words. Usually I blindly ignore them and think otherwise but it's all the same.

Everything you've said here about your conversations with him show tons of insecurity. Insecurity entails all of the anxiety you have about whether or not this guy wants to "use you" for sex. Him talking about a skin condition isn't insecurity, that's him letting you get to know him. I think you're missing the point of what I said, and I don't really know how to explain it better.

Thinking that most guys use you for sex....that's not healthy

Do you not enjoy sex or want it also? It really sounds like you just need a good long break from dating.

July 20, 2016

He's already told you what he wants which is bolded above. You said you were on the site to meet new people. You are both getting what you want so I don't understand why or what you are questioning about this guy.

Because he asked me on dates?

So now I'm wondering what else does he want?

I asked him and he said he definitely wants more than friends.

I know how to keep it strictly platonic. But if a guy is asking me on dates and calling me cute. What am I supposed to do? I agreed to go on them and he wants another date. He said that app isnt the best to find relationships but it's good to find new people and then develop them. So Idk what he wants either.

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2 Dates with this guy and I think he's using me for sex? [update 2016-08-01]

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