2 Dates with this guy and I think he's using me for sex? [update 2016-08-01]

July 17, 2016

Yup, true for men too.

OP needs to do whatever feels right to her.... and for her.

NOT as a way to "get" a man to stick around..

If she doesn't know what is right for her, then she needs to do the work to figure it out!

And very true! If a woman has to work hard at getting a guy to stick around, he wasn't that interested in her to begin with and would eventually bail anyway. I also recommend a woman to go with her gut instinct. If something feels "off" about a guy, there usually is. I used to ignore that gut instinct and got burned and found out later because it all looked good on paper.

July 17, 2016

*If something feels "off" about a guy, there usually is.*

I used to ignore that gut instinct and got burned and found out later because it all looked good on paper.

Absolutely!

And also because people (women and men) wear those proverbial rose colored glasses and *see* only what they want to see ....

I understand I used to do it myself, finding all sorts of excuses for why a man behaves a certain way.

I have since tossed those tainted glasses in the trash and now see only what is actually there, staring me in the face... not what I *want* to see.

July 17, 2016

And very true! If a woman has to work hard at getting a guy to stick around, he wasn't that interested in her to begin with and would eventually bail anyway. I also recommend a woman to go with her gut instinct. If something feels "off" about a guy, there usually is. I used to ignore that gut instinct and got burned and found out later because it all looked good on paper.

I'm sorry but if you want a quality guy you DO have to work to keep him around.

The fact you mention a guy has to chase you makes me suspect you are lazy when it comes to dating.

You expect a man to do all the heavy lifting in the beginning.

Am I right?

do you initiate with men early on?

Do you make suggestions for dates?

Or do you expect them to initiate and decide what the date is?

Do you make them wait before responding?

Do you make them text you multiple times before you respond?

July 17, 2016

To be fair, if every guy she meets is from Tinder or other online dating sites then i'd say it's mostly the guys.

I've learned to rely less on online because all those women want is to hook up.

Yes but isn't that what a "dating profile" is for? If that is the intention of the majority, why the hell would they have the need to mislead people by saying they are looking for a serous relationship? Would it not be easier for everyone that just wants to get laid just say so? Who needs to waste time playing games?

July 17, 2016

I'm sorry but if you want a quality guy you DO have to work to keep him around.
The fact you mention a guy has to chase you makes me suspect you are lazy when it comes to dating.
You expect a man to do all the heavy lifting in the beginning.
Am I right?

do you initiate with men early on?
Do you make suggestions for dates?

Or do you expect them to initiate and decide what the date is?
Do you make them wait before responding?
Do you make them text you multiple times before you respond?

phineas, I think by *work* she was referring to emotionally twisting herself into a pretzel trying to fit a round peg into a square hole...

Initiating, reciprocating... equal amounts of give and take, those things are a given.. not *work*.

In fact when everything is flowing smoothly and naturally.. it is not work at all!

July 17, 2016

I think it's a no brainer if there is nothing but guys just wanting to "hook up" on dating sites why keep using them. The way I see it if you have trouble with dating irl, dating sites will not be any better. A poor musician always blames his instrument......

July 17, 2016

My advice is don't play games. There is no formula. I agree with others above to pay if you feel the urge but don't offer to pay as a test and downgrade him for accepting.

Have sex when you feel comfortable. However this is trickier. This shouldn't be on first date very often. You shouldn't feel that close so quickly unless it's just pleasure and you may be known as someone that does that. But also don't force a set number of dates. It's not black and white.

Same with communication. Do what feels comfortable and right. If it's too much or too little then discuss it but most likely you aren't compatible if communication and frequency is difficult.

July 17, 2016

Yes but isn't that what a "dating profile" is for? If that is the intention of the majority, why the hell would they have the need to mislead people by saying they are looking for a serous relationship? Would it not be easier for everyone that just wants to get laid just say so? Who needs to waste time playing games?

Because women who just want to get laid don't advertise it for fear of looking like a "slut" I assume.

Every woman i met from online that ended with them wanting sex on the first date then ghosted on me after specifically stated "no hookups, if you just want sex..., i'm looking for a serious relationship" in their profiles.

And no it wasn't because I suck in bed either because half of them hit me up months to a yr later to see if I wanted to "hang out" and came over to have sex with me again.

As fun as that was, online has turned into something I do to pass time on the crapper.

As I go out more I find I really do not have a problem meeting women in real life.

Usually when I do go out I will find women all of a sudden standing next to me at a free concert making it very easy to say "hi"

Edited July 17, 2016 by phineas

July 17, 2016

I'm sorry but if you want a quality guy you DO have to work to keep him around.
The fact you mention a guy has to chase you makes me suspect you are lazy when it comes to dating.
You expect a man to do all the heavy lifting in the beginning.
Am I right?

do you initiate with men early on?
Do you make suggestions for dates?

Or do you expect them to initiate and decide what the date is?
Do you make them wait before responding?
Do you make them text you multiple times before you respond?

Yes I show interest, yes I respond quickly to texts and/or answer the phone or call back within 24 hours. And yes I also initiate texts or phone calls. I'm talking about the guys that show mixed signals, like I text him or call him and he responds 3-4 days later. The guys that say "would love to take you out" and you suggest the following weekend and they act flaky. It's those guys that I'm talking about that you feel like you're chasing him, to me when a guy acts like that, he's not that interested and I'll just get played.

July 17, 2016

Same with communication.

If it's too much or too little then discuss it but most likely you aren't compatible if communication and frequency is difficult.

Agree!

For me, what's more important than frequency... is the *quality* of the communication.

You could be communicating every day or even several times a day, but if that communication is meaningless banter or chit chat ... and you yearn for more substantive communiqué... then you are not compatible.

Banter and chit chat has its place for sure, and it's fun!

But it is not enough to sustain a relationship or even the initial attraction!

Well, maybe for some it is, there is no wrong or right.

Whatever works for you.. individually and together.

Edited July 17, 2016 by katiegrl

July 17, 2016

Because women who just want to get laid don't advertise it for fear of looking like a "slut" I assume.

Every woman i met from online that ended with them wanting sex on the first date then ghosted on me after specifically stated "no hookups, if you just want sex..., i'm looking for a serious relationship" in their profiles.

And no it wasn't because I suck in bed either because half of them hit me up months to a yr later to see if I wanted to "hang out" and came over to have sex with me again.

As fun as that was, online has turned into something I do to pass time on the crapper.
As I go out more I find I really do not have a problem meeting women in real life.
Usually when I do go out I will find women all of a sudden standing next to me at a free concert making it very easy to say "hi"

Why all of a sudden this thread is about you pumpin your own tires?

Save

July 17, 2016

Yes I show interest, yes I respond quickly to texts and/or answer the phone or call back within 24 hours. And yes I also initiate texts or phone calls. I'm talking about the guys that show mixed signals, like I text him or call him and he responds 3-4 days later. The guys that say "would love to take you out" and you suggest the following weekend and they act flaky. It's those guys that I'm talking about that you feel like you're chasing him, to me when a guy acts like that, he's not that interested and I'll just get played.

I'm confused.

When a guy acts like that do you immediately drop them or do you still go out with them?

And where are you meeting these guys?

July 17, 2016

Why all of a sudden this thread is about you pumpin your own tires?

Save

LOL!

You asked why people lied in their profiles didn't you?

Since I don't date men nor do I lie in my profiles I can only answer from a man's perspective and my own personal experiences that I must admit are numerous enough to say they are far from anecdotal.

July 19, 2016

• First off, I met this guy on Tinder. However, I specifically put in my profile I'm looking for people to HANG OUT with only.

• We messaged about 3-4 days before he asked for my number. We texted and decided to hang out by bowling and eating. He was a gentleman for the most part. Held my purse, greeted me properly and paid for my food. Didn't do anything touchy. We made a bet that whoever won bowling got a request. He won and his was he gets to take me on a date. So I thought hm, maybe I should try and see what this guys is about. Honestly at first I did not find him attractive, but I like the way he's sociable and nice.

• We text everyday and even talk on the phone. He seems to be more outgoing when he drinks. What I observed is that he drinks A LOT. He talks about later in the future when we go here, and that I shouldn't be insecure because he will eventually see me without makeup. Im thinking is this guy already assuming Im going to be his gf or something? On the phone while drunk, he tells me he has a skin condition that makes him feel insecure I guess? Then he asked about my relationships. I said I only had 1 solid relationship. He said he had 4 solid ones and that they all cheated on him. That raised a flag with me.

•1st date comes. He's late, but he burned his foot while on the phone with me so he can barley walk well and traffic. We watched a movie. We held hands and he strokes his thumb over my hand. I heard that when they do that, they want sex. So I tested it out and put both of our hands on my thigh. We were the only people in the theater along with 3 other people. He didnt do anything. Anyways, we went to go eat. I paid for the food. EVERYONE is telling me that I was pretty that day. Like random people. He even put me on his snapchat and his brothers gf told him I was pretty. But he didn't compliment me at all or say I looked nice. Nor a first date kiss. So I thought maybe I wasnt appealing enough to him? We text more and more after date, he's hanging out with his friends. Apparently his friends know about me? He invites me to hangout with them all the time and to meet them. He's drinking again. He said he was thinking about what the 3rd date will be. He wants it to be on an off day so he can spend more time with me.

• At this point Im feeling so giddy talking to him, feeling not so insecure with him, and thinking maybe he does want to get to know me. I went on Tinder just to go on for the heck of it, he changed his profile picture. I had a little breakdown. I thought here we go again. Another one that's trying to play me. I felt worthless. But then I got over myself and thought people are going to do whatever the hell they want. Even Boyfriends and husbands might drift and glance another way. It's inevitable. There will always be prettier girls, I cant force a guy to stay with me. So I decided screw it, Im not going to invest so much and just have fun and go with the flow. But I want to ask him exactly what his intentions are. Does he want sex or does he want a gf? Would that be too early to ask? Or rude? At this point I dont even care what happens. I'm done crying over guys. But I do want to know if he wants sex, because I want to tell him I don't have sex unless im in a committed relationship and I dont want to waste time with his faux dates. How should I approach this?

Edited July 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraph spaces added and three threads merged ~6

July 19, 2016

• First off, I met this guy on Tinder. However, I specifically put in my profile I'm looking for people to HANG OUT with only.
• We messaged about 3-4 days before he asked for my number. We texted and decided to hang out by bowling and eating. He was a gentleman for the most part. Held my purse, greeted me properly and paid for my food. Didn't do anything touchy. We made a bet that whoever won bowling got a request. He won and his was he gets to take me on a date. So I thought hm, maybe I should try and see what this guys is about. Honestly at first I did not find him attractive, but I like the way he's sociable and nice.
• We text everyday and even talk on the phone. He seems to be more outgoing when he drinks. What I observed is that he drinks A LOT. He talks about later in the future when we go here, and that I shouldn't be insecure because he will eventually see me without makeup. Im thinking is this guy already assuming Im going to be his gf or something? On the phone while drunk, he tells me he has a skin condition that makes him feel insecure I guess? Then he asked about my relationships. I said I only had 1 solid relationship. He said he had 4 solid ones and that they all cheated on him. That raised a flag with me.
•1st date comes. He's late, but he burned his foot while on the phone with me so he can barley walk well and traffic. We watched a movie. We held hands and he strokes his thumb over my hand. I heard that when they do that, they want sex. So I tested it out and put both of our hands on my thigh. We were the only people in the theater along with 3 other people. He didnt do anything. Anyways, we went to go eat. I paid for the food. EVERYONE is telling me that I was pretty that day. Like random people. He even put me on his snapchat and his brothers gf told him I was pretty. But he didn't compliment me at all or say I looked nice. Nor a first date kiss. So I thought maybe I wasnt appealing enough to him? We text more and more after date, he's hanging out with his friends. Apparently his friends know about me? He invites me to hangout with them all the time and to meet them. He's drinking again. He said he was thinking about what the 3rd date will be. He wants it to be on an off day so he can spend more time with me.
• At this point Im feeling so giddy talking to him, feeling not so insecure with him, and thinking maybe he does want to get to know me. I went on Tinder just to go on for the heck of it, he changed his profile picture. I had a little breakdown. I thought here we go again. Another one that's trying to play me. I felt worthless. But then I got over myself and thought people are going to do whatever the hell they want. Even Boyfriends and husbands might drift and glance another way. It's inevitable. There will always be prettier girls, I cant force a guy to stay with me. So I decided screw it, Im not going to invest so much and just have fun and go with the flow. But I want to ask him exactly what his intentions are. Does he want sex or does he want a gf? Would that be too early to ask? Or rude? At this point I dont even care what happens. I'm done crying over guys. But I do want to know if he wants sex, because I want to tell him I don't have sex unless im in a committed relationship and I dont want to waste time with his faux dates. How should I approach this?

Here's my response to your previous threads about this guy:

It's too soon to be even questioning his "motives". Sit back, observe how he dates you. If he's consistent with communication and setting up dates, great. At some point, you open a casual conversation about dating goals. In other words, you tell him what you're looking for for yourself overall, not with you two yet, just what you hope to have for yourself. If you two are on the same page with that, then you still continue to observe how he dates you.

Don't be intimate too soon. If he suggests that and you tell him you want to wait a bit and he respects that, continues to see you, then it's a good sign. If he suggests, you turn it down and he disappears, then you know he was just in it for the sex.

And, when you do talk about goals, and if he says he's looking for long-term relationship, you still need to observe because sometimes guys will say they want that knowing that that's what most women want.

Of course, if you decide to be intimate soon, that's fine, but you should assume it will be a one-night stand unless and until he shows you otherwise.

Do you usually just go in blind with these things? -- Until you do have a couple of dates and get to know a guy a little bit, you are always flying blind. If you're projecting, assuming, guessing, etc., then you aren't giving him/it the attention it deserves and your objectivity is compromised.

before I open up to this one and get hurt -- This statement says you're already doing what I just mentioned in the last paragraph

Manage your emotions and expectations, be objective and observe how you are feeling.

I'm nervous because I don't want to put all my eggs in a basket like I usually do. -- You don't have to put all your eggs in one basket until you become exclusive or enter a relationship with a guy. Until that happens, you can date others. Just because you go on a date or two with a guy, it doesn't mean you make him your main focus. He hasn't earned that privilege yet.

This one is starting off pretty well, so go with the flow. And, talk, talk, talk to each other.

Does he want sex or does he want a gf? -- He might want both . . . so you just need to ask him about his dating goals and observe . . .

July 19, 2016

First off, I met this guy on Tinder.

2 Dates with this guy and I think he's using me for sex?

I don’t why women would just assume that all dudes will use you (women, especially on Tinder) for sex until proven otherwise to save on the mental anguish, grief, guild and future self-loathing.

I have never used but I would think there is some sort of disclaimer or numerous articles via Google University to educated people on the use of.

Am I wrong?

July 19, 2016

• First off, I met this guy on Tinder. However, I specifically put in my profile I'm looking for people to HANG OUT with only.

But it is TINDER which is a known hook-up app! Surely there must be better ways to meet people to find those who only want to HANG OUT!?!?!

But I want to ask him exactly what his intentions are. Does he want sex or does he want a gf?

He barely knows you! How can he know what his intentions are - other than the fact that he was using (successfully, I might add!) a hook-up app to meet girls!

But I do want to know if he wants sex

Of course he does. And you know it.

because I want to tell him I don't have sex unless im in a committed relationship and I dont want to waste time with his faux dates. How should I approach this?

Tell him exactly as you wrote it here.

And then consider finding another medium to meet legitimate potential dates.

July 19, 2016

How Millennials Really Use Tinder, Because It's Not Just A Hookup App

July 19, 2016

Actually, Tinder isn't just for hookups anymore. You specifically put in your profile what you want. I see so many people just looking for local friends to hang out with. It's so broad in how you meet people. Like I said I just put in my profile im looking for people to hang out with.

My question is: How do I approach him with my goals. I didn't expect to start going on dates with him. I was just trying to hang out and I didn't even find him attractive on Tinder tbh. I was just looking for friends. I dont want to waste his time. Him and I talked about our pet peeves and I said I dont like my time wasted and neither does he. So I definitely have to communicate with him so he knows whats going on. Just after hanging out with him twice though, I do see him as a man. So is it weird to ask -- hey what are you looking for from these dates? I dont want to sound weird.

July 19, 2016

I don’t why women would just assume that all dudes will use you (women, especially on Tinder) for sex until proven otherwise to save on the mental anguish, grief, guild and future self-loathing.

I have never used but I would think there is some sort of disclaimer or numerous articles via Google University to educated people on the use of.

Am I wrong?

Actually no. Yes, it's made for that, but people don't follow the rules. People put on their profiles what they want exactly. I see people saying -- just moved to the city. Looking for friends! Or looking for locals, etc. Or they say * NO Hookups* on their profile. It's simple.

July 19, 2016

Of course he wants sex. All men want sex. Is that all he wants? Who knows. But that's what dating is for. So date him and keep dating around if you want and just wait and get to know him. Obviously he still has his line in the water. He may be doing Tinder hookups while he's going along with 'hanging out' with you.

It is a red flag that every woman cheated on him. Maybe it's because they all knew he was still on Tinder, or because he wasn't a good boyfriend or because he expected too much too soon. It's unusual for so many women to cheat, though very common that men do, so having them all cheat on him may mean he was more invested than they were and he's mad they didn't let him lock them down or something. It may mean he's crazy jealous and has a real problem with that, too. Or it may mean he picks women who are cheaters and doesn't see the red flags.

Just slow down and don't get carried away. Don't sleep with him until you feel you know exactly what he is or isn't up to. Let him know you saw him change his photo on Tinder, so he understands you understand you are not exclusive and you will continue seeing other gentlemen.

July 19, 2016

Here's my response to your previous threads about this guy:

It's too soon to be even questioning his "motives". Sit back, observe how he dates you. If he's consistent with communication and setting up dates, great. At some point, you open a casual conversation about dating goals. In other words, you tell him what you're looking for for yourself overall, not with you two yet, just what you hope to have for yourself. If you two are on the same page with that, then you still continue to observe how he dates you.

Don't be intimate too soon. If he suggests that and you tell him you want to wait a bit and he respects that, continues to see you, then it's a good sign. If he suggests, you turn it down and he disappears, then you know he was just in it for the sex.

And, when you do talk about goals, and if he says he's looking for long-term relationship, you still need to observe because sometimes guys will say they want that knowing that that's what most women want.

Of course, if you decide to be intimate soon, that's fine, but you should assume it will be a one-night stand unless and until he shows you otherwise.

Do you usually just go in blind with these things? -- Until you do have a couple of dates and get to know a guy a little bit, you are always flying blind. If you're projecting, assuming, guessing, etc., then you aren't giving him/it the attention it deserves and your objectivity is compromised.

before I open up to this one and get hurt -- This statement says you're already doing what I just mentioned in the last paragraph

Manage your emotions and expectations, be objective and observe how you are feeling.

I'm nervous because I don't want to put all my eggs in a basket like I usually do. -- You don't have to put all your eggs in one basket until you become exclusive or enter a relationship with a guy. Until that happens, you can date others. Just because you go on a date or two with a guy, it doesn't mean you make him your main focus. He hasn't earned that privilege yet.

This one is starting off pretty well, so go with the flow. And, talk, talk, talk to each other.

Does he want sex or does he want a gf? -- He might want both . . . so you just need to ask him about his dating goals and observe . . .

Okay,thanks. I didn't see your answer on last thread. I feel so weird asking him what are you expecting out of this. What if he starts pulling back? How should I send the text? Should it say: " Hey, so now that we are going on dates, what exactly are you expecting out of them?"

I can't multidate. It's not in me. When I'm dating someone I focus on them. I tried texting other guys at the same time but it just doesn't work out. *shrugs* Im too oldfashion.

July 19, 2016

Of course he wants sex. All men want sex. Is that all he wants? Who knows. But that's what dating is for. So date him and keep dating around if you want and just wait and get to know him. Obviously he still has his line in the water. He may be doing Tinder hookups while he's going along with 'hanging out' with you.

It is a red flag that every woman cheated on him. Maybe it's because they all knew he was still on Tinder, or because he wasn't a good boyfriend or because he expected too much too soon. It's unusual for so many women to cheat, though very common that men do, so having them all cheat on him may mean he was more invested than they were and he's mad they didn't let him lock them down or something. It may mean he's crazy jealous and has a real problem with that, too. Or it may mean he picks women who are cheaters and doesn't see the red flags.

Just slow down and don't get carried away. Don't sleep with him until you feel you know exactly what he is or isn't up to. Let him know you saw him change his photo on Tinder, so he understands you understand you are not exclusive and you will continue seeing other gentlemen.

I'm trying to keep a I don't care mentality. I'm positive he knows that I'm aware he is still looking around. He hangs out with a lot of girls. Guys do this all the time so Im not even surprised. What Im trying to do is save my butt and feelings. I'm super sensitive. As long as I know and ask him what is he expecting out of this I should be fine. But if I continue to go on dates with him and we eventually have sex and he leaves. I'll be angry at myself for not communicating with him enough. Like I said, I will only have sex unless in committed relationship. So how can i ask him without sounding clingy?

July 19, 2016

I think the best way is don't ask and just keep seeing him and see if he volunteers any info. Like if he really wants to sleep with you before long, then he should really be pushing for that. If he pushes for that without telling you he really likes you and is starting to have feelings or hasn't asked what you're looking for and a timeline (you know, marriage and kids or not), then he's probably just trying to get sex. If a guy has some inkling he may want a future, he will act differently than just coming at you for sex. He should start being invested in your safety and your general well-being and should be really curious about who you are and what you want. If he's only about sex (and I'm not saying he is) he probably won't still be hanging around after about five dates.

If you start quizzing him, and if he is only trying to get in your pants, he may say whatever he thinks you want to hear. So wait and see what direction he starts going with you. Don't sleep with him yet since you're vulnerable. It will only make it harder to control yourself (unless you find out why they cheat is he's crap in bed, of course, but you can usually tell that just from making out and not going all the way.)

July 19, 2016

It sounds like you want reassurance from this guy that he doesn't just want you for sex. He can say yes or no, but at the end of the day, if he says yes, you still have to go with his actions. That kind of defeats the purpose of asking.

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2 Dates with this guy and I think he's using me for sex? [update 2016-08-01]

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