Kel_star Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 My opinion: My theory is that "falling out of love" is either an act of carelessness,selfishness and/or unrealistic expectations on the part of the dumper. I've heard people say that it just happens for no reason and is unavoidable. Then the dumpers make themselves a victim to falling out of love. I'm not talking about dumpers that have legit reasons for breaking up like obvious incompatibilities, but when people "lose feelings" after a year or so, and can't exactly explain why they've fallen out of love, I think that person has some serious self reflecting to do before they enter another relationship. When you've made a commitment, I feel like you owe that other person the effort of nurturing your love for them, and not hope that the feelings will just "naturally stay strong" forever with no active effort. I feel that these people more often than not have already started wondering what it would be like to be with other people, have let their mind wander to things that don't benefit the relationship, etc. and often are not the best communicators(hence , why the dumpee is usually caught blindsided when dumped). I can make this post longer but I'm just curious what others opinions are? ACTUAL QUESTION: -Is someone falling out of love for no particular reason something to always be feared no matter how perfect a partner may seem? Is it truly "unavoidable"? - or do the people who tend to "fall out of love" emotionally immature? Do these type of people usually have red flags that dumpees tend to ignore?
Lady Hamilton Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 -Is someone falling out of love for no particular reason something to always be feared no matter how perfect a partner may seem? Is it truly "unavoidable"? - or do the people who tend to "fall out of love" emotionally immature? Do these type of people usually have red flags that dumpees tend to ignore? As always, the answer is somewhere in the middle. Sometimes people fall out-of-love because they haven't taken the time to nurture their relationship. No matter how perfect you are for your partner, or vice versa, you have to actively invest time and effort into your relationship. If you don't, you run the risk of creating a chasm between you that you can't get over. However, sometimes through no real fault of either the person who's fallen out of love with or the person who's fallen out of love, people just fall out of love. Again, perfect for you or not, sometimes people take on different interests, grow and evolve, and their partner grows and evolves in the opposite way. It happens. In either case, it has nothing to do with the person doing the dumping being emotionally immature. In fact, I think it takes a great deal of maturity to evaluate and say honestly "we've fallen out of love" as opposed to just pretending all is fine and waiting for an inevitable blowout. Does somebody who made a commitment to you who fell out of love with you "owe it to you" to fix a relationship that they're not invested in anymore? Or to do the work to force themselves to stay in love with you? Honestly... No. I don't think anybody, even your partner, "owes you" anything. I'm not even sure I understand the circular logic of saying "you owe it to me to do things to make sure you still love me." Either you love somebody or you don't. You don't do things to make yourself love them. The best you can do is the best you can do. You can fortify your relationship, you can nurture your relationship, but ultimately... It doesn't prevent somebody from falling out of love with you if you've grown apart. 6
DKT3 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 It's impossible to maintain the high levels you feel for someone over the course of a long relationship. There will be times where all you can do is think about your partner, other times where you can hardly stomach them. What has to stay consistent is the level of respect and commitment. The real issue is too often people enter into a relationship with an unrealistic expectation of always having that nervous energy that comes with the newness of a relationship(aka butterflies). Often times people can become (unknowingly) addicted to that feeling. These people are on a constant search and rarely stick though tough times. Much of it has to do with emotional immaturity, you can say they want a real life fairytale. Those simply don't happen, in the real world people are flawed, worts and horrible gas. The key is respect, upstanding that you have to enjoy the positives and deal with the negatives. The next person will also be flawed even if the euphoria of the new blind you to them. 6
Mr. Lucky Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 The real issue is too often people enter into a relationship with an unrealistic expectation of always having that nervous energy that comes with the newness of a relationship(aka butterflies). Often times people can become (unknowingly) addicted to that feeling. These people are on a constant search and rarely stick though tough times. The name for that "new relationship feeling" is limerence, an intense state of emotional attachment (with accompanying neuro-chemical support) that typically lasts 6-18 months. When it's over, love changes from a noun to a verb, from a feeling to an action. I agree many people have problems with the transition... Mr. Lucky 2
stillafool Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 People do fall out of love. Especially if you are together when you are young. People grow and sometimes grow apart. 2
Larryville Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 do the people who tend to "fall out of love" emotionally immature? Absolutely not, that is ridiculous. Earths population is 6 plus billion and a good chunk of those people spit out “I love you” and they are either lying and truly don’t know what those words truly mean. That would mean this planet is overrun with a lot of emotionally immature people. The main reason why people fall out of love is because we’re human. As humans we are designed to fall in and out of love. If the relationship is healthy and both people understand what real love is about, we can fall back in love. Love is nothing more than a biochemical chain of events, why are moods change for some dramatically and why pharmaceutical meds are thrown down our throats to help combat. When I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be divorced from both wives I “thought” I fell OUT of love, and nothing (I later discovered) could be further than the truth. I don’t know exactly what was going on with me but as with anyone’s happiness or euphoria or even deep depression moods change, it happens.
mikeylo Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 It is avoidable only when the two people are together for the right reasons and they fell in love for the right reasons.and to not forget those reasons. Love evolves the longer a couple is together. Its the hard times, the arguments, the resolution, forgiveness, hurdles that test the strength of a relationship.The first few months are always easy.Hell, the first year is the best and then reality sets in. Many peoples relationships dont last more than a year because they are not into it to begin with and are in for wrong reasons. Some people fight a lot in the first year but end up together forever, up against all odds and remain in love.It has to be nurtured everyday. Its important to fight , within reason of course.The way a couple fights and what they end up doing ultimately, tells a lot about how the relationship will evolve or end.As long as the two people remember that they want the other in their life,every problem becomes solvable. Urgh, relationships are hard. To fall in love is the easiest thing but to stay in love and to nurture it is where the hard work comes in.That is why so many people run when the work part begins.But again, with the right partner, all work seems worth it and fulfilling. 1
mikeylo Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 do the people who tend to "fall out of love" emotionally immature? Kind of yes. These people are usually having fling after fling.Its not love.Its temporary filling of a void.That void is emotional intimacy.Since they dont find it , they think they are out of love when, there was no love to begin with. When these same people meet someone where they feel emotional intimacy , they stay.They find all the reasons to make it work and stop running.I guess ultimately, all we need is someone who clicks with us emotionally. 2
Larryville Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 These people are usually having fling after fling.Its not love.Its temporary filling of a void.That void is emotional intimacy. Problem is young women (in particular) believe that physical intimacy will inevitably lead to emotional intimacy. People who can just sleep with damn near anyone simply lack that emotional intimacy… Nothing wrong with sex, but when if if they try to make a legic connection with someone can't distinguish...
NTV Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 there's a relationship book or two that mentions the idea of 'limerance'. It might be worth googling.
Alamo657 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 -Is someone falling out of love for no particular reason something to always be feared no matter how perfect a partner may seem? Is it truly "unavoidable"? A relationship is a garden, it has to be nurtured and cherished by both sides at all times. Selfishness is what makes a relationship stumble, when one or both party stop caring about the needs of the other, and only care about theirs. Like when people are in a bad spot in life, the selfish attitude is to resent your partner for being unable to cope alone like we're all told people should do. or do the people who tend to "fall out of love" emotionally immature? Do these type of people usually have red flags that dumpees tend to ignore?I think it's the whole concept of a lifelong "love" (which is more like expecting a lifelong passionate relationship) which has made most people eventually bore out of relationships because most people are not always winning, funny, entertaining, they fart, they loose their hair, their looks, sometimes their jobs... people go into a relationship expecting their partner to fulfill whats lacking in their life, and the whole thing crumbles when troubles appear. 2
asphyxis Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 A relationship is a garden, it has to be nurtured and cherished by both sides at all times. Selfishness is what makes a relationship stumble, when one or both party stop caring about the needs of the other, and only care about theirs. Like when people are in a bad spot in life, the selfish attitude is to resent your partner for being unable to cope alone like we're all told people should do. This, 1,000%
Gloria25 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 People don't "fall out of love" They stop caring and/or don't put any more effort into the relationship. Also, they may have married/dated for the wrong reasons. When you first meet someone, the attraction gets their foot in the door, but you gotta take time to really know them (1 1/2 - 2 years). But nah, people jump head in first and kids and married and/or a few years in, they realize that the didn't lnow the person well and/or made a mistake. I really like my current guy. Do I "love" him? No. Do I want to see him more cuz of all the qualities he has? Yep. Do I have to work at keeping our thing going no matter how much I'm smitten? Yes....Why do I put in the work? Cuz I really like him. I just don't get how some people (especially married) just stop putting effort and "fall out of love". Hello, this is the person you made vows to. Isn't that enough incentive to continue putting effort into them? When you were dating you got all primmed up and stuff? Sadly people sit around waiting on a "feeling", when in fact "actions" generate feelings. Like the blade on a saw. You can't just expect it to stay sharp by laying it down in the tool shed. You gotta sharpen it. 1
DKT3 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 People don't "fall out of love" They stop caring and/or don't put any more effort into the relationship. Also, they may have married/dated for the wrong reasons. When you first meet someone, the attraction gets their foot in the door, but you gotta take time to really know them (1 1/2 - 2 years). But nah, people jump head in first and kids and married and/or a few years in, they realize that the didn't lnow the person well and/or made a mistake. I really like my current guy. Do I "love" him? No. Do I want to see him more cuz of all the qualities he has? Yep. Do I have to work at keeping our thing going no matter how much I'm smitten? Yes....Why do I put in the work? Cuz I really like him. I just don't get how some people (especially married) just stop putting effort and "fall out of love". Hello, this is the person you made vows to. Isn't that enough incentive to continue putting effort into them? When you were dating you got all primmed up and stuff? Sadly people sit around waiting on a "feeling", when in fact "actions" generate feelings. Like the blade on a saw. You can't just expect it to stay sharp by laying it down in the tool shed. You gotta sharpen it. Careers, children, bills, exhaustion and being bored. Less and less alone time. You go from face to face being ones main focus to shoulder to shoulder as the focus turns to the mention things above it then takes more effort, however resentment has set in and extra effort is the last thing you want to spend energy on.
Giggles666 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Social norms taught to us lead us to confuse what "falling in love" and "being in love" really are....biology and chemistry. We're nothing but little parts of the universe trying to figure out how we got here, how we are self-aware and trying to make sense of what we feel, or do not feel. Bio-chemistry is a b*tch sometimes, and many things do not last forever. It's one of the toughest realities for us to face so many of us hide behind faith and abstractions other humans have called "love". It's probably more normal to fall out of love than to remain in it. It's also completely normal to love and fall out of love often in our lifetimes. It's part of the human condition.
mikeylo Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Selfishness is what makes a relationship stumble, when one or both party stop caring about the needs of the other, and only care about theirs. Like when people are in a bad spot in life, the selfish attitude is to resent your partner for being unable to cope alone like we're all told people should do. True that. Partner means together. A relationship is not just where wants are fulfilled. When needs are unmet, then the problems arise. Many people call their partner not self sufficient to handle stuff and they are left to meet their needs themselves. If one is going to solve every problem on their own then well,don't expect them to be their when problem has been solved. Fair weather friends and partners are a lot and that creates distance and deterioration of relationship. These little issues become huge one day.
Lady Hamilton Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Selfishness is a tricky thing. In all of our lives, we have periods where we are forced to be selfish. For example, I got horribly and unexpectedly ill. I went from having an active lifestyle to having a life that was focused on three things: sleep, prolonged medical treatments, and managing my illness in the periods between sleep and medical treatments. I'm absolutely positive that during that time, I was completely selfish and needs my husband had in all areas of life (emotional, physical, financial, personal) went totally unmet. I just didn't have it in me to focus on anything but my illness because it was all consuming. However, instead of making demands and complaining that things were all about me and not about him, my husband rode out the wave of necessary selfishness on my part. He saw I did my best, this was a natural ebb and flow, and I didn't hear a peep about it. It's all well and good to say "selfishness destroys relationships," but in our world of color (as opposed to black and white), selfishness is a function of our lives and necessary for self-preservation. Sure, one can indulge it and require too much of their partner while giving nothing back... But often times when I hear "selfishness ruined my relationship," what I see is a case of bad communication, unwillingness to meet whatever needs are present in the relationship at that moment, impatience, and lack of consideration that led to the end of the relationship.
DKT3 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Selfishness is a tricky thing. In all of our lives, we have periods where we are forced to be selfish. For example, I got horribly and unexpectedly ill. I went from having an active lifestyle to having a life that was focused on three things: sleep, prolonged medical treatments, and managing my illness in the periods between sleep and medical treatments. I'm absolutely positive that during that time, I was completely selfish and needs my husband had in all areas of life (emotional, physical, financial, personal) went totally unmet. I just didn't have it in me to focus on anything but my illness because it was all consuming. However, instead of making demands and complaining that things were all about me and not about him, my husband rode out the wave of necessary selfishness on my part. He saw I did my best, this was a natural ebb and flow, and I didn't hear a peep about it. It's all well and good to say "selfishness destroys relationships," but in our world of color (as opposed to black and white), selfishness is a function of our lives and necessary for self-preservation. Sure, one can indulge it and require too much of their partner while giving nothing back... But often times when I hear "selfishness ruined my relationship," what I see is a case of bad communication, unwillingness to meet whatever needs are present in the relationship at that moment, impatience, and lack of consideration that led to the end of the relationship. It's not selfish, you were ill.
Weezy1973 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 As many have said, a lot of people fall in love with people they're not compatible with ultimately. I'm a perfect example. I couldn't have been more in love with my ex - she was beautiful, intelligent, funny and we could have really deep conversations for hours and hours. None of those things actual mean anything when it comes to successful relationships though. She didn't know how to be in a healthy relationship, and had no interest in learning. So I ended it. Even though I still loved her.
DKT3 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 As many have said, a lot of people fall in love with people they're not compatible with ultimately. I'm a perfect example. I couldn't have been more in love with my ex - she was beautiful, intelligent, funny and we could have really deep conversations for hours and hours. None of those things actual mean anything when it comes to successful relationships though. She didn't know how to be in a healthy relationship, and had no interest in learning. So I ended it. Even though I still loved her. I don't think it's a compatibility issue. Having a successful relationship is as simple as having two people will to do the work, being committed, and not running to others to fix what they deem as broken. Had your ex been willing to do the work you guys would still be together, yes?
Weezy1973 Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Had your ex been willing to do the work you guys would still be together, yes? Had my ex had the same view on what a healthy relationship was, and was willing to work towards that goal, then yes. But her view of relationships was very different. Therefore, incompatible.
Lady Hamilton Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 It's not selfish, you were ill.[/QUOte] Illness explains the why, but it doesn't always excuse it. Because I'm ill and was for two years doesn't mean he stops having needs, both as a person and as my partner.
Satu Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 From my journal: Being in love seems much, but is little. The long work of love seems little, but is much.
Redhead14 Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 (edited) My opinion: My theory is that "falling out of love" is either an act of carelessness,selfishness and/or unrealistic expectations on the part of the dumper. I've heard people say that it just happens for no reason and is unavoidable. Then the dumpers make themselves a victim to falling out of love. I'm not talking about dumpers that have legit reasons for breaking up like obvious incompatibilities, but when people "lose feelings" after a year or so, and can't exactly explain why they've fallen out of love, I think that person has some serious self reflecting to do before they enter another relationship. When you've made a commitment, I feel like you owe that other person the effort of nurturing your love for them, and not hope that the feelings will just "naturally stay strong" forever with no active effort. I feel that these people more often than not have already started wondering what it would be like to be with other people, have let their mind wander to things that don't benefit the relationship, etc. and often are not the best communicators(hence , why the dumpee is usually caught blindsided when dumped). I can make this post longer but I'm just curious what others opinions are? ACTUAL QUESTION: -Is someone falling out of love for no particular reason something to always be feared no matter how perfect a partner may seem? Is it truly "unavoidable"? - or do the people who tend to "fall out of love" emotionally immature? Do these type of people usually have red flags that dumpees tend to ignore? I am not sure that it's about falling out of love. It's more about "falling out of" the ability to embrace the meaning of commitment and the realities of being in a long-term relationship. When things become stagnant, they aren't thinking about the reality of that. I mean, a long-term relationship doesn't stay in high gear in terms of excitement, romance, etc. It becomes relaxed and comfortable. Which to me is the holy grail. When people start dating a new partner, they are stressing, analyzing, overthinking and there's a certain amount of insecurity and can't wait until that passes and they start feeling secure in the relationship. And, after it becomes comfortable, there comes a point where the couple is operating on auto-pilot -- just going through the "dailys". They stop doing the little things, or big things, that drew them together in the first place. At some point, one of them kinda comes out of the fog and then say "hey, this is getting boring, I'm not feeling it anymore." Or that the partner has fallen out of love when, in fact, they've just stopped doing all the things that brought them together in the first place. Then they start analyzing, overthinking, feeling insecure again, etc. They think they've fallen out of love or the partner has fallen out of love with them. What's really happened is that they've stopped being in touch with their emotions, i.e. the love. They've become lazy emotionally. They've failed to maintain the emotional aspect of the relationship. And, then they aren't thinking about the Commitment. Commitment means being "obligated" to the relationship and pushing through the waning periods that come around which means they need to start reconnecting with their partner and bring that waning feeling to their partner and talk about it. The emotional laziness then manifests itself by deciding the love is gone, rather than doing the "work" to reconnect with it. And, then comes the "immediate gratification" phase, which usually includes cheating. "I need an endorphin fix" So they seek it outside of the relationship and as we all know, that's in high gear when you're with someone new. To me it's a failure to maintain the emotional aspect of a relationship, not being in touch with the emotions for a while, not necessarily that they've fallen out of love. I recommend playing this song for yourself everyday on the way to work -- "If Tomorrow Never Comes ..." Edited July 21, 2016 by Redhead14
mizunomead Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 I guess it depends on how you define "love". Honestly, I'm not really sure how to define it anymore. I think that alot of people define love as the limerance type feelings that one has in first part of a relationship that they have with someone new that they are highly attracted to. But those feelings/chemicals to fade with time in any relationship. So them both people have to be committed to each other, to keep connected to each other on other levels for a relationship to work long term. I think alot of people have a hard time with relationships long term because they get such a high off those feelings that they want them non stop. So they chase those feelings, once it wears off with one person, they dump the person or cheat or whatever and move on to the next to get that high so to speak. I may be in a minority, but i could live without that junk so to speak, but i may be jaded by past experiences. I look for other things. Obviously i want a high level of attraction between myself and my partner. But i also want a mental connection, someone who thinks on a similar wave length as i do, someone who has similar life goals. At least a couple similar hobbies. Someone i can easily enjoy a day with together. Compatibility. Someone who would be a good life partner for me, and me for her. Is that love??? IDK, but that is what i feel works for me.
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