jham Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 My friend (23F) has been seeing this man (43M) for the past few months now and they live together. I have met her boyfriend once and he is a nice guy but for me, hanging out with someone who is twice my age is just a little odd to me. He also has a lot of baggage and has made some decisions in his past that I do not agree with. He smokes weed around his younger 7 year old child and has cheated on partners in the past. She is always inviting me to come hang out at their house and bring my friends or my boyfriend (23M) but I just do not feel comfortable with it. I know age is nothing but a number and I love my friend but it's hard to try and hangout with her without him around. I don't have the heart to tell her how I feel about it because I know she's happy with him which is great. I can't keep making excuses though as to why I can't hangout with her. What can I do?
Larryville Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 “I love my friend” If you are indeed a true friend…. Not talking about the “Facebook” friend either… You should figure it out and have an open, honest conversation but most of all you have to put aside your own personal values on their relationship. Age signifies much more than just a number, age reflects maturity, someone’s stage in life, and their life experiences. Does her life experiences (you say you are her friend so you should know) reflect her maturity in this particular relationship? A solid relationship comes down to how two people relate to one another, regardless of what year someone is born in. I see countless threads here with people processing age differences and in today’s social landscape age is increasingly irrelevant. Because women are earning more money (they have their own resources), age matters less. Age mattered back in the day because women had fewer options work/career wise and the gender wage gap was larger. Fewer women “need” a man and their perceived resources. Matching education, maturity, healthy lifestyles is important. Do they match in a given situation regardless of age? At the end of the day, love isn't about age. It's about connection. Is your friend loved and respected and treated well. That should be your only concern. I don't have the heart to tell her how I feel about it because I know she's happy with him Then you clearly are NOT a true friend. “A true friend's silence hurts more than an enemy's rough words.”
elaine567 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 You are not obliged too spend time with people you do not get along with or with people you do not share the same values with either. Yes, he is older but that is not the only reason you do not want to hang about with him. I would make plans to see your friend regularly and keep bfs out of it. If she says anything then tell her the truth, you do want to spend time with guys who think it is OK to smoke weed around little kids and who cheat on people and who you have little in common with due to his age.
PegNosePete Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 How would you feel if your friend sat you down and told you, "Look Jham, I love you as a friend but your boyfriend is just too bald for you. It makes me uncomfortable hanging out with you when the sun is reflecting off his shiny head"? And how would you feel if your friend thought this, but didn't tell you? You probably think this is absurd, using baldness as a metaphor for an age difference. But your friend would say it's not absurd, it's exactly the same thing. You should be happy that she is happy. Being protective of a friend and watching her back is one thing, but you're not doing that, you're being selfish because their relationship is making you uncomfortable.
GunslingerRoland Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Are you uncomfortable because of him specifically, or because of their age difference or because you don't like hanging around older people? If it's the latter, you're an adult now, you're going into the workforce and it's not like college. Adults hang around together and the whole peer group idea we cling to from childhood through college dissolves for the most part. You'll learn it'll benefit you a lot in your professional life if you can learn to hang around adults of all ages and treat them all as your peer group. If it's the age difference between them, I still think it's a matter of getting comfortable with the fact that you're past the age where age matters that much anymore, you need to let that go a bit. If it's just him, himself that you don't like and feel comfortable around... well he isn't your boyfriend. If you really feel that he isn't good for your friend you can speak up to her, but telling things she already knows about him, isn't going to make her suddenly break up with him, all it's likely to do is damage your friendship. You can't pick your friends or family's partners.
smackie9 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Not everyone is comfortable hanging out with people of different ages. I bet if you set your opinions aside and actually got to know this person as just a person it might change your perspective. Just my experience, it's quite rewarding to have friends of all ages, younger and older. That's how I live my life and it's not as bad as you think.
Larryville Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 He smokes weed around his younger 7 year old child and has cheated on partners in the past. I thought about this line and if we were to nitpick of faults of individuals… lets take those who participate on this site for examples. Does not have a damn thing to do with “age” some people are screwed up regardless of age. If people could be exposed for all of their know faults nobody would be in a relationship. If that is a legit concern then you should be honest and forthright and address that as an adult. However anyone throwing stones better come with a clean slate themselves.
Recommended Posts