SilverLining Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 My boyfriend is attractive, fun, gets me, affectionate, and thinks the world of me. He's a rising star in his company, has the admiration of many, lets me be myself, and is likely to inherit millions (mostly important because I have a ton of student loans and grew up extremely poor, and it was devastating for my family). He wants to talk about my moving in with him in a few months. So everything should be great, except it's not, because we have the worst sex in the history of the world. I don't even know what to do. He started dating me right when his job offered a promotion that meant a move, so he's been experiencing ED from the start because "what if I move and we break up?" and he's not comfortable with sex unless it's a relationship that has potential for commitment. He would touch me but not follow through with anything, always hesitating. He has a very small penis so when we have attempted sex I usually don't feel much. He also isn't very good at sex at all - it's awkward. He only has sex in 2 positions, he doesn't do oral, he just does everything so awkwardly. He gets erections quickly with me but loses them right away. I've tried everything I could think of to try to make him more comfortable and secure with me. He was able to climax from sex exactly once, and he pulled out of me and masturbated to finish himself off, even though we were using protection. I'd...never experienced that before. He went to the doctor but Viagra is like $500 and he doesn't want to pay that much, aside from that he feels weird taking pills for ED when he's in his early 30s. He doesn't seem to have much of a sex drive, but swears that he finds me very attractive. In the meantime, he isn't trying to satisfy me at all. I had to bring it up and tell him how much it bothered me several times. I am always feeling like I'm not desirable or sexy enough. I have started to be jealous and insecure, and he feels awful. I spent 2 weeks with him, and I only had relief twice and had to tell him I needed it both times. If he is so attracted to me, shouldn't he WANT to touch me? Well, he says he does, but he is hesitating because if he lets his guard down he will get really hurt if we break up. I'm frustrated and so sad. I'm in my mid 30s and I really just want to be done with this dating crap. He did end up moving, and we decided to try a long distance relationship with a move in the future if this promotion is working out, and if we can figure out how to improve our sex life. I messaged my boyfriend and asked if he would like for me to send him photos of myself - nudes. He told me he doesn't like nudes, he only likes pictures that leave something to the imagination. So now I'm not even in the same state and am feeling undesirable and rejected. To make things worse, there are more than a few guys that I know find me extremely attractive and they would love to date me, but I've considered them all at some point and I'm just not attracted to any of them, or there would be too many compatibility issues and I know I wouldn't be happy. This is the first time in many, many years that I've been in a relationship with someone and actually saw some kind of future together. He makes me laugh all the time, I feel like I'm with my best friend when we are together...but then it feels like we may as well be just friends if we aren't even having sex. Is there any way to save this?
Rupert Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 So this is a very common problem with a lot of couples as they hit a certain age. Not knowing anything about the dude or relationship I can give this personal experience. My ex is exactly you, she relates sex a lot with intimacy and feeling desired and bases a lot of the relationship on this. She thought I was cheating on her/didn't find her attractive/ etc. and the worst part was, I found her more attractive as the relationship evolved. Our sex life was really good, but not frequent enough for her liking (I was once a week sometimes twice) and she wanted more. Her needs were not being met here, and was a major reason we broke up. I felt like I wasn't a man because I wasn't as sexually active. On the same note I saw intimacy differently than her, and did not rely on constant sex to be the grounding of our relationship. I valued our friendship, being a family, talking, holding hands etc more than getting off all the time). So the sex is bad, (you guys can talk about that very easily, and try new stuff etc. If your relationship is not able to have that kind of conversation without hurting feelings, bring a professional in and if you still can't well that is a problem. If you guys aren't sexually compatible for some reason (my ex and I were, but not when it came to frequency), and it can't be fixed, you need to evaluate how important this is to you. Last and certainly not least, he is in 30's, like me and the reality to all of this is..... men lose their sex drive during this time period. Every man is different, but it happens and women (at this same time) are at their peak. My advice, is evaluate if you can do this for the rest of your life and if not have an open and real conversation about it (get a book a read about this topic, its common). But you need to evaluate how important this is to you, if you are on this site, I bet it is.
Heart..PLS STAHP Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Oh let me tell you a side story prior my advise... Story number 1: I had my first EVER girlfriend when I was 18. She was 18 too and I chased her for over 2 years until finally she dumped her boyfriend and dated me instead. In a few months time when she was ready we did it... and it was AWFUL! After it she was crying next to the window and while I was putting on my boxers she said now you are going to leave me. I know I know heartless and totally idiotic thing of me but I told her that I won't yet a week later I stopped all contact and left her. Bash me all you want brothers and sisters but in a few years when I realized what I did I apologized to her. She took the apology and told me to never do that to any girl I date. Apology is nothing but what I wanted to tell you with this story is that I FELT it was the right thing to do. After that time I didn't feel love, all feelings DISAPPEARED so I had to leave. I don't regret it, I probably should have eased her in on this or something but trust me all girls since then I've treated like princesses I am not a douche just because of that action it just happened BECAUSE of the bad sex. It didn't even gave me a feeling to give it a second chance... imagine how bad it was. Story number 2: The sex with my now ex (the latest one) was AMAZING! I never felt this before it was like explosions of feelings so big that I could explode at any minute. I was perpetually on an extasy for that matter. Our relationship flourished because of it and furthermore it is my longest relationship in my life due to this as well. Sex for me is something extremely important! If it doesn't work and you don't feel it heck what are you even doing there. This is just me though many will disagree but I haven't evolved to the point where I could be with this soul in a relationship regardless how perfect she is and not have even a slightly good sex? Wow I'm outta here seriously call me an idiot it's just me. Summary: I feel bad for the person with the small penis but hey I would never judge nor make fun of someone like that. He seems like a nice dude and kinda sounds both of you want to be together but there are these obstacles. Maybe try going to a sex therapist? Is there even such a person in existance? Or use some other toys that help out stimulation. But remember you are sad because of this! You feel unwanted. By the way - the pulling thing and masturbating - let me tell you I did that as well but that was out of fear if the condom would break, if some of it goes in and the magic happen 9 months from now etc. These were just fears I had but they appeared long after the relationship was near the end. Until that time I always climaxed in her with protection ofcourse. Just food for thought. Anyway think about the sex thing.. obviously this is as important to you as it is to me but if it doesn't work or he is not willing to try determine if you can keep this up (even in the long run) or some drastic changes have to be made.
Emilia Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Sounds like you are with him because of his money. Perhaps there is a lesson there somewhere: it's better to be financially independent than try to hook a rich guy and hope for the best. I'm guessing if he wasn't likely to inherit millions, you would have been out of the door ages ago. 6
Els Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 This is a tough one, OP. "Being with your best friend", as you describe him, is really important IMO. On the other hand, being with a man who isn't JUST your best friend, but also your lover, is equally important... I think I'd go with 'leave' at this point, because not only are you in a LDR with an indefinite future, the sex life is virtually nonexistent. If it has been bad for so long and he's completely unwilling to seek help for it, then chances are it's never going to get any better. Do you think it could be a porn/masturbation addiction thing? 2
central Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 I think you have two realistic options: a) move on, because you're sexually incompatible, or b) negotiate a very discreet open relationship with him, for yourself only. He does need to know that there are issues and why, whatever you decide, and you should give him a chance to fix the problem with your help before you choose another option. Personally, I wouldn't enter or remain in a sexually mismatched or dysfunctional relationship without some serious accommodations to correct the imbalance. You will eventually find that money and security aren't enough, and will be tempted to cheat. Deal with the issue now, before you compromise both your happiness and your integrity. 4
Els Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Summary: I feel bad for the person with the small penis but hey I would never judge nor make fun of someone like that. He seems like a nice dude and kinda sounds both of you want to be together but there are these obstacles. Maybe try going to a sex therapist? Is there even such a person in existance? Or use some other toys that help out stimulation. I'm a big fan of toys myself, but IMO it isn't going to salvage this situation. The issue isn't JUST his small penis or JUST his ED... he shows no desire for her. He shows no interest in her pleasure or her arousal. They have almost zero physical intimacy of any sort, from the sounds of things. Even if she did go and pick up toys she would essentially just be masturbating in the end. Wouldn't solve the sex issue. 3
Heart..PLS STAHP Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 I'm a big fan of toys myself, but IMO it isn't going to salvage this situation. The issue isn't JUST his small penis or JUST his ED... he shows no desire for her. He shows no interest in her pleasure or her arousal. They have almost zero physical intimacy of any sort, from the sounds of things. Even if she did go and pick up toys she would essentially just be masturbating in the end. Wouldn't solve the sex issue. Agreed but she wanted a way to salvage the situation so I thought of the first thing that comes to mind. It's not much but if she wants to struggle to fix this she can try even though I have to admit they are just sexually incompatible.
SevenCity Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 (edited) I find it interesting that the "most important" reason for you is his potential millions to pay off the loans you incurred. Oh that, and you are sick of dating. This to me sounds like a match made in hell. I've never had problems pleasing a woman (but found many that didn't please me); however faced with this relationship I might lose my boner as well. Edited July 19, 2016 by SevenCity 6
VeveCakes Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Yeah I can't get past the potential millions because you have a lot of student debt and grew up poor and it was hell for your family. UMMMM... That debt is yours and YOURS only. Also, your family could have done something about being poor. No one is stuck in that life, it's all about choices. Someone potentially inheriting money is NOT a reason to be with them. About the sex he either has a medical problem, watches too much porn or isn't into women. 3
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 OP, you're going to have a really hard time getting people to feel for your situation when the very first paragraph in your post how important HIS money is to YOUR future...
jen1447 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Satisfying sex is important to you but he's not well equipped to provide that = incompatibility. Sorry. (Small penis, ED, and doesn't know how is a really bad combination and not likely to ever be fully resolved to your satisfaction.)
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Satisfying sex is important to you but he's not well equipped to provide that = incompatibility. Sorry. (Small penis, ED, and doesn't know how is a really bad combination and not likely to ever be fully resolved to your satisfaction.) Money aside, I agree with Jen.
Author SilverLining Posted July 19, 2016 Author Posted July 19, 2016 Oh my god. I went back and reread. I wrote that money was "mostly important because..." and I didn't mean it was the most important thing, I meant it as "the only reason I consider that is because...".Wow, it does seem pretty awful reading it the way I wrote it. Well, it was late and I was upset. I only meant that it would add to stability and mean I could avoid things I've experienced with my family in the past - starving, periods of homelessness, physical and emotional abuse heightened by extreme levels of stress, parents physically and emotionally absent...I incurred my debt because I never had any financial assistance whatsoever and I had no knowledge of borrowing money, though I've been working since I was 13 and had been paying my own bills and living on my own since before I left high school. So money to me doesn't mean fancy things, it means bypassing everything I experienced when I was young. I know it's my debt, I've been working to pay it off, I've got my plans in place. This is in no way my wanting to stay with someone because they may inherit in the future, though I can see where it might seem so. I'm sorry about that. My boyfriend is attracted to me. He gets erections easily...he just loses them. It's psychological I'm sure. I don't mind that much that he has a small penis. I mean, it's less than 4 inches. What I care about is that everything feels good, and right now it doesn't. I feel like maybe if ED wasn't an issue, we would be able to find positions that we both like, but currently I'm not able to see if that's the case. I can't understand why he wouldn't be trying to make sure at least I was physically satisfied. When I asked him about it, he said something about hesitating because he wasn't sure where we were going in the relationship, and that he's messing everything up and feels terrible. But I've never experienced being with someone who didn't want to be intimate, so I don't understand it. We do have an open relationship, which bothers him. I don't like it either, but I can't think of any other option. When I was exclusive, I was extremely frustrated and upset and it was causing him more distress. This way I was able to take the focus off and just try to let him get more comfortable with me, hoping the issue would resolve itself. I guess I'm not sure if I should just be pulling the plug now, if I should give him a chance to get some viagra and see if that does anything, or what. I'd be ok with sex a couple times a week, but sex IS important to me and I'm not interested in a sexless relationship. I guess I've had a lot of experience with sexual relationships that didn't amount to much, so I didn't want to let this relationship go so quickly. Does anyone think that it's possible to improve the sex? Thank you so much to everyone who has replied, and especially to those who shared their own stories. It's been really helpful to hear.
Author SilverLining Posted July 19, 2016 Author Posted July 19, 2016 Oh! I forgot to mention that I don't think it's porn related. That was one of the first things I've asked him, and he's said that he doesn't use porn or masturbate very often, and he's abstained from everything for a few weeks. I think the cause is likely recent weight gain, stress, psyching himself out, and concerns about the relationship. 1
jen1447 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 OR kinda changes everything ....are you not satisfied getting good sex elsewhere and cuddling up w him for everything else? I mean if he's not so interested in sex anyway. It sounds like he feels under the gun and can't get out - that's usually what the hesitating/uncertainty and self-blame distractions amount to. (Also <4 inches?? ) 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Sounds like you are with him because of his money. Perhaps there is a lesson there somewhere: it's better to be financially independent than try to hook a rich guy and hope for the best. I'm guessing if he wasn't likely to inherit millions, you would have been out of the door ages ago. I thought the exact same thing! It doesn't matter that you corrected what you meant to say regarding the money Silverlining, the fact that you brought up his millions of inheritance in the second sentence of your post and your loans, does lead one to believe that is first and foremost the appeal this man has for you. Freudian slip perhaps? Let's face it, poor guy, he was cursed with an under-endowment but poor you too! If he can't use his tool to perform he should at least learn other forms to please a woman and it sounds like he just isn't interested in that. It sounds like because his member is not functioning he simply isn't interested in sex. Think about this:You look young still, which leads me to believe you still have a lot of years of sexual expression and need left in you. Can you honestly see yourself living in a sexless union for the rest of your life? I don't know how long you have been together and maybe the newness of your relationship is making you think sex isn't all that important in the long run, but let me tell you that attitude will get old fast! You're going to need sex.
Sunkissedpatio Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 (edited) We do have an open relationship, which bothers him. I don't like it either, but I can't think of any other option. When I was exclusive, I was extremely frustrated and upset and it was causing him more distress. This way I was able to take the focus off and just try to let him get more comfortable with me, hoping the issue would resolve itself. Is that really the answer though? breaking up the relationship into two separate experiences? Is that satisfying for you? I guess I've had a lot of experience with sexual relationships that didn't amount to much, so I didn't want to let this relationship go so quickly. . It doesn't have to be one extreme or the other, you can have both, he just ins't the person who will offer you that. There is a happy medium. Look up "transference" that is what you just described. Edited July 19, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio
Giggles666 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 I'm not sure about ED, I had a problem once with a girl I waited 15 years to be with and she dumped me ASAP. One shot and done, rough. I'm still doing ok and in my 40s and want sex all the time so I can not relate to his issues that well. Maybe he's so shamed he is just avoiding it? As for the size thing that does sound small and I feel for him and you. I guess the issue is how much you value sex. One of my exes met a guy, she loves him. She told me the lack of sex was no big deal, but a month later she is going nuts. I couldn't do bad sex or lack thereof. I wish you both the best and guess this is a question only you can answer, how important is it to you?
fromheart Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Satisfying sex is important to you but he's not well equipped to provide that = incompatibility. Sorry. (Small penis, ED, and doesn't know how is a really bad combination and not likely to ever be fully resolved to your satisfaction.) If you view another human being based on penis size, if you think that sexual health can't be healed.... I'm sorry but that's very cold.
Els Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Sorry if I missed it, but how long have you been with this guy?
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