beginnerinlove1 Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 Hi all, I haven't visited this forum for a long time so it's nice to be back (albeit being sad!) I'd been seeing this guy for about 2 months. I'd recently started a new job where he worked, we hit it off straight away & began dating. I was aware that he had broken up with his ex of two years around 4 months before he met me. The first night I stayed at his house, she came to the door and was questioning him whose shoes were at the front door (they were mine)....he told her they were mine, they had a brief argument then she left. So I asked him if anything was going on between them and his reply was "Not at all, she just can't get over me, but I only like her platonically." So I let it go. So then, a month or so later, he decides to tell me that she comes to his "boys night" at his house once a week, as she did when they were together and doesn't want to be excluded now even though they've broken up. I found this very odd and got angry, enforcing the fact she is an ex and it concerned me (the fact that she was there & I wasn't invited - not that I would be at all interested in going.) His response was that he thought of her only as a mate, his friends liked her & he wanted her to be there. So I just accepted it and tried to forget about it. A few weeks later, he invited me to his mate's holiday house for the night. A lot of his friends were going to be there as well as the ex, whom I hadn't met as yet. He really wanted me to meet her so I agreed. Anyway we went and we met & all went fine until he wouldn't be affectionate toward me in front of her & began to ignore me in order to devote 100% attention to her "as a mate." She then began to take tons of photos of him... This really p'd me off, so I went to bed. She then came in to my room, drunk, and divulged that both my bf & herself "couldn't let go" of each other....and that "he would treat me badly if I let him." He then came into the bedroom and spoke to her, so I got up & walked out, leaving them both. He didn't follow me. I doubt anything happened but I didn't speak to him for the rest of the night. I broke up with him the next day when we got home. It only lasted a day though after he chased me and said they were only friends and didn't have any feelings for each other (apparently hers were no longer there). And that he only wanted me & wouldn't speak to her as much anymore....but was wondering if he wanted to go see a movie / go out for dinner with her would that be OK? I said that would be fine, as long as he invited me. That night, we made plans to go out for dessert, just us, which he cancelled to have coffee with her, which I later found out she came over to his house at midnight. So I got cranky. He disappeared on Sat night & I didn't hear from him Sun. He didn't come to work on Monday. I drove past his house on the way home from work on Monday night and the ex's car was there. I called him on Tues & went to see him. He says he can't give me what I need right now & that he is depressed and doesn't know what he wants, that he can't change & therefore can't make me happy. I asked him why his ex was over & he says they're just mates. He really wants to stay friends though. Anyway, I went back to work yesterday & got fired for "not performing." I'm a real estate agent and I guess my mind hasn't been on the job lately, so fair enough (Thats a different story altogether!) So I went to see him & was very emotional - however only friends. He said he'd call me and I should come over later to keep him company. So he called last night, and I asked if i could go over & he said it wasn't a good idea. Then I texted him saying "Maybe because we're not working together anymore a relationship might work." He ignored me. I went for coffee with the girls later on and drove past his house - her car was there again. I don't know what to do. I miss him so much. I feel he is still attached to her however he promises he's not. So now I have no job & no boyfriend. Would NC be the best thing? He has tried calling me today but I haven't answered. Thanks in advance. N.
Author beginnerinlove1 Posted June 29, 2005 Author Posted June 29, 2005 btw...its not like hes completely not interested in me... he writes me messages all the time saying how strong his feelings are for me, that he is falling in love with me, but is just confused & doesn't want to hurt me. Whenever I get mad about his ex he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. And last week, wanted to have dinner with an ex of 10 years ago whom he hasn't spoken to since they broke up! Is this normal behaviour? He won't get back with me now no matter what I say. He only wants to be friends & says he needs me right now, as a friend.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by beginnerinlove1 So now I have no job & no boyfriend. Would NC be the best thing? He has tried calling me today but I haven't answered. Thanks in advance. N. He has treated you badly, but unfortunately you have little scope to improve his behaviour. Only your own. And right now, you need quite urgently to look to your own affairs. Sort out your life, your job. And your future without him. Ironically, this is probably the best therapy for getting over him. NC. All the way.
NiCoLe20 Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 this guy is playing both of you... i bet 100% he's hookin up with his X... why would u want someone like this? he's a dirtbag. tell him good riddance!!! ignore him
Author beginnerinlove1 Posted June 30, 2005 Author Posted June 30, 2005 Thank you for your replies. Folderwife, what does ACK mean? So NC didn't go so well today. I can't seem to stop remembering the bad times. He texted me this arvo telling me he missed me & was thinking of our first date together. I replied that I missed him also and was sad. He then called me and told me that we can only be friends and a relationship won't work between us, yet he still has strong feelings toward me. I got upset and told him I wanted him back but all he could do was reject me. I don't know what to do. I'm lost, upset & rejected. But I care about him and miss him and want him back. I did line up a couple of jo interviews today so thats positive!
MJTig Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Save yourself the heartache of him pulling you close and then when you respond him shutting you down. Its like he wants to know you crave him but have the power to turn you away. Sounds like a guy who wants girls at his beck and call. NO .... CONTACT. Even if he calls you, don't answer. He texts you, delete without reading. Its hard but you need to focus on other things.
shygurl Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 He is playing you like a fiddle. He's screwing with your head and playing obvious games. How can you not see that? This whole thing with his ex has been suspicious from the start.....every single bit of it. He's clearly not been over her and they've had something going on all along. He was with her for 2 years, that's a long time. He's been playing you both. His text messages to you are BS! Block him if you can. Next time he texts you, stand up for yourself and the goodness you deserve and tell him point blank, "look, you made it clear you do not want a relationship with me and that's fine with me - now move along and leave me alone, do not have any further contact with me." Dig down deep inside and find some anger ...anger over how you've been his rebound girl, his girl on the side......how he's telling you one thing but his actions don't support it. Cut this loser loose. Don't give him the time of day. STOP telling him you miss him and those kinds of sweet things. He's treated you like sh*t and continues to. Stand up for yourself, get angry and tell him where to go and STICK TO IT !
Zaira Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 What an ass! He wants to have his cake and eat it too. NC!!!! Sorry to hear about your job too, but I am sure you'll be back up and on your feet in no time.
Author beginnerinlove1 Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 thank you for your replies. So I did NC and he came running back, told me that he'd gotten rid of the ex and begged me to give him one more chance. I told him that I would now find it very hard to trust him and let go of my heart again with him, however I have strong feelings for him so we could take it slowly and see what happens. EVERYONE here can learn from my mistakes!!! Surprise surprise..... he changed his mind about me less than 1 week later, after ignoring his ex for the week - he said that she had tried to kiss him the previous weekend and confessed her undying love for him & her desire to be back with him. He told her he wasn't interested and came to me - we were trying to sort things out. He wasn't speaking to her - she was stalking his house at night, calling us both, telling him she loved him etc etc. Just when I was letting go of myself around him, he changes his mind and tells me he doesn't know what he wants anymore & that I should just forget him. That was 2 days ago. Then I find out the next day he has gone to lunch WITH HER! He won't speak to me, even to end it properly & get closure. I am lost. I have lost all my trust in men. He promised me he wouldn't change his mind again and that I was what he wanted. sigh.
upsetnhurt Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 We have very similar situations. What I have learned from mine is that a relationship can't work if both people are not willing to put 150% effort into making it a success. My ex gf and your ex bf were not capable of it. I am sure it was not due to a lack of care yet the care was not enough to support their full involvement. Having someone on the outside pining away for you makes it quite easy for them to leave. Let them go and let them live their lives without you. I keep telling myself that it is best for all parties involved........now if I can only learn from my advice to you. If you let it, like I have, this treatment will continue time and time again. Don't let it consume you as I have and move on before you waste anymore time on him.
d'Arthez Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 So sorry to hear about all the drama. You don't need a guy who makes you lose your job, due to all the mind games he is playing with you. Enforce NC (if still necessary), and forget about him. There are more suitable men out there for you. Intentionally playing games or not, it does not matter. What matters is the behavior he displays. Perhaps he is confused, but that does not justify leading two women on. Perhaps she is a "stalker" - but his behavior in no way shows that he is highly annoyed by her stalkerish behavior. It will take time to rebuild your trust in men. But you will, if you allow yourself.
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by beginnerinlove1 He won't speak to me, even to end it properly & get closure. I am lost. I have lost all my trust in men. He promised me he wouldn't change his mind again and that I was what he wanted. I'm so sorry. This sucks - Juliet pulled a similar trick. I understand about not trusting men - I was wary of women for a while. But most people in this life are kind and trustworthy... they won't behave like your psycho ex...
Author beginnerinlove1 Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 Thank you all for your replies. This forum has helped me deal with the situation quite well. When I broke up with another ex of 3 years, I was the "stalker ex." I would go to his house and beg him back until he eventually told me he'd call the cops on me. Goodness me I learnt from that. In hindsight, I am traumatised & completely embarrassed by the way I acted. Therefore I refuse to succumb to the desires this time around. Isn't it amazing how love is blinding? We can all look at each other's situations on the forum & give great advice, yet 90% of us are probably unable to apply it to our own lives. I find myself in this situation. I know he's in the wrong, that he's a bastard, most definitely a two-timing sleaze, yet I still find myself justifying his behaviour!! And the pain & reality of rejection is so difficult to accept that I continue to go round in circles with this little boy. Upsetnhurt, I know how frustrating it is not to be able to take your own advice. I guess the problem with me is, I think with my heart far more than my mind. My heart longs for him, no matter how he treats me. I know that he is not right for me though, and is playing me like a fiddle. It's working though. I need to make myself angry with him & even hate him right now so I stop contacting him. We need drive, power! I've come to the conclusion that he is co-dependent. His ex is too. They need each other and I never needed him in our relationship, therefore maybe didn't satisfy him. She was chasing him hysterically last week, and d'Arthez, you're totally right - he wasn't annoyed by her behaviour at all!! He loved the fact that she needed him so badly. Then when she dropped off mid-week, he only lasted a couple of days before he needed her to need him. Sorry that was a bit muddled but I'm sure you'll know where I'm coming from. To add to the drama, I have had a midnight caller on my mobile for the past 2 months (what a coincidence) - which has now stopped. I just got a text from him saying he'll drop my things over tomorrow, so I wrote back "I know K (the ex) has been calling me persistently at midnight and if it doesn't stop I'll take legal action." That was probably the wrong thing to do but I'm just so mad at both of them. I start my new job on Thursday which I'm really excited about - I'm down about him though and I don't want that to ruin my chances of succeeding at this new company.
mazza32cott Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 This is exactly the same situation I am in. I would love some response from men who might be able to enlighten us why they just ignore us and cant give us closure. It is a case of they have a history together. She cannot handle him being with anyone else. She will not let him move on and will destroy every relationship he gets into. Unfortunately, he is weak and easily manipulated. Do you really want someone who is weak and easily manipulated? I now have had no contact for 1 week and I know he WILL come back. I hope I have the strength to tell him where to go but like you maybe I wont. We know that their relationship is unlikely to work and we wait for that time. However, wasted time is something you never get back. My suggestion to you is go out with friends, meet other men and hope like hell that you meet somebody else that will take your mind of him. Will it work? I don't know but that's what I'm doing and it's worth a try. If you are like me, your friends say he is a waste of time get over it. You no longer talk to your friends about it because you already know what they will say. They no longer like him. That's what this forum is great for. We will listen and talk about it and that's what you need. But honestly darl, like me, we need to move on. We don't really want someone who is not into us 100%. We know that but there is always HOPE!!! God help us, I hope it all works out well. Reality though, he is a jerk. Forget him, NC and move on. I only wish I could take that advice. Guess what I'm saying is it's sooooooooo hard and I know where you are coming from. Wish things were different. Maz x
RecordProducer Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by beginnerinlove1 He won't get back with me now no matter what I say. He only wants to be friends & says he needs me right now, as a friend. He is definitely not in love with you right now, although it's possible that he is falling in love with you as he claims. He surely is confused about who he wants. Maybe he loves you both, maybe he wants her. When you were his GF the ex was his friend. Now he wants both of you as friends or her as a GF and you as a friend. It's not fair to anyone of you. I don't like his wondering where you're coming from when you get mad about his ex. He knows well what's going on. Don't let him get away with this kind of behavior. Remove yourself from his life. If he loves you and misses you, he will get back to you. But then you will be the one who will set the rules. And rule number one will be: no contact with his ex.
sarah12 Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by mazza32cott This is exactly the same situation I am in. I would love some response from men who might be able to enlighten us why they just ignore us and cant give us closure. It is a case of they have a history together. She cannot handle him being with anyone else. She will not let him move on and will destroy every relationship he gets into. Unfortunately, he is weak and easily manipulated. maz x and beginnerinlove: I am not a guy, but I feel for you as I have been in the same shoes. I can tell you what my story turned out to be with the guy who was always 'confused' and could never make a decision. It's been over a year and a half since I was in that situation. Like you girls, I told myself that I would never be an option to him as long as he was with the ex girlfriend and I stuck to it. It didn't make things easier for me since I still wanted him back, but it did loads for my dignity. We share mutual friends and went to the same college so I'd often run into them together, but since I wasn't the obsessive/crazy/stalker ex girlfriend, everyone knew that they couldn't say anything bad about me. I just let them be a couple, and you know what? They were terribly miserable and broke up several times, mostly because neither of them could get over me, for different reasons obviously. To this day, they are still together but are they happy? Who knows, but at the same time, WHO CARES. He made his bed and now he must lie in it. And remember, just because they are together, it doesn't mean they are happy. I now have had no contact for 1 week and I know he WILL come back. I hope I have the strength to tell him where to go but like you maybe I wont. We know that their relationship is unlikely to work and we wait for that time. However, wasted time is something you never get back. You know what, he WILL come back, but the harsh reality is that he will come back with the same issues unless he makes a point of making a difference this time - i.e. cutting her out completely. He has to realize that the ex is manipulative and he is being played for a fool because she KNOWs what will make him come back - i.e. the cry factor. You on the other hand, have more power and self respect than to make a guy come crawling back to you because you cried for him. The sad thing about this is that he is insecure and needs a girl who desperately NEEDS him and shows him this, hence why he goes back to the ex. I have done my share of waiting and after all this time, I have learned A LOT about myself and relationships, so for that I am thankful. I have also tried dating a few guys but no one ever measures up until you let yourself let go of the idea of him altogether. Yes you have stopped talking to all your friends about it b/c you know what they will say and you think they are wrong and don't want to hear it. It's a good idea to not get too influenced by friends sometimes and just let nature take its course. You and him are the only ones that know what you had and you have to TRUST that he knows this too. He obviously does if he's thought about coming back to you. Wish things were different. Me too. If you want to talk things out, please feel free to PM me! I have done so much thinking about this situation that it would be a waste if my thoughts didn't help someone else.
mazza32cott Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Tried to PM you Sarah12 but no luck. Sure am interested in what you have to say. Maz
sarah12 Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Tried to PM you as well and also no luck. I've sent an email to the mods to find out what's going on. Hopefully the problem clears up soon!
Author beginnerinlove1 Posted July 13, 2005 Author Posted July 13, 2005 Thanks guys. You sure do make me feel better. So on day 2 of NC. I'm not doing so well. He hasn't returned my belongings as he said he would yesterday and I don't want to text him or anything to get them back. I spoke to the receptionist from work today. (where he still works). She says he is fine, back to his "old self." She had no idea we've broken up as he seems perfectly happy. So why is it that I feel like ****, and he's fine. This is so unfair.
Author beginnerinlove1 Posted July 13, 2005 Author Posted July 13, 2005 also, sarah12 & maz, i'm unable to PM however would love to hear more about your stories / experiences. We can all share them on this forum. N xx
mazza32cott Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 Seems like his ame old self? Yes I would be very upset and hurt by this. If he still has some of your belongings and you want them back though, isn't it better to sms him and get them back, even if just for closure? I really feel for you. I know what it is like. Go out and try to enjoy yourself. Haven't heard from mine. It has been 8 days. Maz
Author beginnerinlove1 Posted July 13, 2005 Author Posted July 13, 2005 Hey Maz, Took your advice and went out and enjoyed myself today. Watched a DVD with the girls then went for coffee with an old friend. To tell you the truth, I actually feel heaps better! I've finally accepted that it's over, and even if he does come back, I don't want anything to do with him. I will totally ignore him. Doubt he'll even come back though... if he is back to "his old self" then I don't want anything to do with him. You know the old saying "Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you." I've given up on crying over him. My life is better without having to worry about where he is, if he's with her.....who cares if he is? She's a manipulating cow. In regard to my belongings, all he has is a cord to my DVD player and maybe a cpl of DVDs. I'll go buy another. I don't want to text him. Him having not contacted me at all is enough closure for me. I know if I speak with him again or try to gain closure then I'll be back to square 1. I know I don't want that. Starting my new job tomorrow so Im really looking forward to that. I'll be busy and won't have to think about him and how mean he has been to me. 8 days....you're doing really well Maz. What I've learnt from this one and past break ups is don't do NC in order to get a reaction from him. Do it because you seriously want to move on & forget about him. And if he does come back, he doesn't deserve you. You're a beautiful person, he's a wanker. Just keep reminding yourself of that. Chin up, keep in touch. N
mazza32cott Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 Thanks N So glad you had a good day and your sounding so positive! Wow! Huh his stars say he is having a **** time with his relationship. Hope they're true. Keep in touch and let us know what is happenning with you. I just hope that one day I will wake up and be able to get back to my normal self. I used to go to the gym at 6am, come home and clean up go to work etc... Can't be bothered doing anything much at all lately. Really want to get back to where I was. I have been like this for a long time now. Since my marraige broke up. Wish I knew how to get back on track... I can do it. Luv Maz
Author beginnerinlove1 Posted July 13, 2005 Author Posted July 13, 2005 Hi Maz, I hope I haven't offended you. The reason I'm not reavealing my actual name is because I'm paraniod he's going to read this post somehow! He prob has no idea this site exists but all the same... Hey, very few ppl on here are in Australia. I'm in Victoria....you? It's OK if you don't want to reveal. I'm going to read your posts later on so I understand your situation better. Then I'll be able to give better advice. N
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