Author Mikeisch1 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 (edited) That was 7 konths prior to 14 momths ago so 21 months ago. And life is ruined. Edited July 28, 2016 by Mikeisch1
Author Mikeisch1 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 Your wife's misguided thoughts may be at least partially shaped by your efforts to blame shift. Unless you were forced at gunpoint, no one made you do anything you didn't want to. I never have told her it was the ow fault. I have always blamed myself. That does not mean that she does not think the ow has blame in this. She actually gets kinda mad at me that i have not blamed the ow at all for my actions. (We have together done timelines and answer her questions and she will say something like well than she came after you? I say i still did it it is still my fault or she texts you first? I say, i still answered texts) Said it kinda makes her mad like i dont want her mad at the ow (almost like protecting her) and that is not the case.
dichotomy Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 Without getting into the details of your specific story - From a basic standpoint - being betrayed brings all sort hurt and pain and rage. The things I wanted to happen to OM - or to do to OM (in my mind) would have made a good Quentin Tarantino movie. 1
underpants Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 What you are contemplating is exactly what Ted Bundy did before his killing spree. She survived, and dodged a terrible person. A terrible person suggested you do this. Yet you stay. 1
ladydesigner Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 Without getting into the details of your specific story - From a basic standpoint - being betrayed brings all sort hurt and pain and rage. The things I wanted to happen to OM - or to do to OM (in my mind) would have made a good Quentin Tarantino movie. I hear ya on this one dichotomy! If I would have caught my WH and MOW red handed it would have been ugly for me. Probably would have landed me in the locker! Real happy I have worked on myself since then! 1
burnt Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 Yes it is evil. But no worries with kids. She is a great mom just like im a great dad snd we both have same beliefs with our children. We have very intelligent athletic children who are very healthy and well taken care of. So, she is a great mom, and you are a great dad with intelligent athletic children who are very healthy and well taken care of...? Ummm... ahem, NO. If you were a great dad you wouldn't have had an affair in the first place. And since you did cheat on your wife and jeopardize her happiness and your healthy children's future, that clearly means your kids weren't fully taken care of after all. Your marriage has been pretty messed up in the first place if you felt the need to have an affair. And even though the family picture is as sweet as you like to portray, your wife clearly must have been deficient for your needs otherwise you wouldn't have had an extra woman to make up for whatever your wife wasn't offering you. Did the OW tie you down with chains around your neck and steal you from your wife? I'm guessing NO. YOU are the one who betrayed his wife, his children's mother, his life partner. If your wife thinks this OW deserves this cruel sick sociopathic punishment, can you please ask her what sort of a punishment YOU deserve for being a liar and cheater? The problem is not the OW. The problem is your dishonest marriage. Your wife's focus shouldn't be how to plot a sociopathic crime against the other woman--her focus should be fixing YOU. 2
Author Mikeisch1 Posted July 29, 2016 Author Posted July 29, 2016 If i gave off the impression that my life is all sweet and great, I'm sorry for that because If it was sweet i would not be posting on here. There are good aspects but it still not sweet or great at home. I am willing to do what is needed to repair our relationship and i know some things are out of line though. She is Having difficulties rebuilding trust from what she tells me. She thinks one day it will magically happen, deep down i know that is not how it works. We work opposite shifts which i think does not help. So she thinks up stuff to make it all better with one big swoop.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 I never have told her it was the ow fault. I have always blamed myself. That does not mean that she does not think the ow has blame in this. She actually gets kinda mad at me that i have not blamed the ow at all for my actions. (We have together done timelines and answer her questions and she will say something like well than she came after you? I say i still did it it is still my fault or she texts you first? I say, i still answered texts) Said it kinda makes her mad like i dont want her mad at the ow (almost like protecting her) and that is not the case. Then why would you even entertain this ridiculous scheme? If a BW wants a candidate to smear with honey and tie naked on an anthill, she should first look in the master bedroom... Mr. Lucky
merrmeade Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 (edited) Look, friend, I have never preached on this forum in 4 years. This will be the first time, but your life and your wife's are not going in a good direction. In the short time you have to live, love and maybe even leave something or someone a little better for your having been on this planet, you're mostly unconsciously moving forward all the time trying to understand, refine and integrate what gives you happiness and what you feel you must do. When it's working, you're becoming happier AS you become less selfish and more aware. You and your wife are on a major detour from this forward movement toward integrating your quest for happiness and trying to be a good person. So you had your moment of selfishness and now are trying to make up for it. Your wife, on the other hand, just got thrown off the whole playing field by your actions. In the best, most generous interpretation of her seriously misdirected, even perverse obsession with your OW, you could say that she's lost her sense of self and the big picture of her life. When she was thrown into that abyss of pain after your affair, she fell out of her regular groove and has gotten her head set on one thing: revenge, making the OW feel the pain she felt. I would imagine - for someone to suggest something so calculating and even to ask you to lie again and consciously take advantage of another human being in order to cause them pain - that person has suspended their own rules of normal integrity. I'lm sure this is not who she wants to be. I don't know her, but that's the most generous interpretation I can give. Her world was blown to smithereens by your affair, throwing her into an abyss of pain and she sees this as the way out. She's stuck in blaming the OW for all her pain and wanting her to feel the pain that she felt. It also sounds like she is incapable of getting rid of this obsession on her own.It sounds to me like she's gone so far into this detour that not even you could bring her back. I think that's the most compassionate way of looking at this awfulness. Get her into IC. Edited July 29, 2016 by merrmeade 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 I;m of the opinion that it is perfectly ok to make the OP suffer in any way that helps you find peace. ( Sometimes ) my motto is: Revenge Solves Everything. But this plan is totally cockamamie and unwise. If your wife wants to find another way to make the OW hurt, there are better and easier ways. Truthfully, living well is the best revenge, but not always the most satisfying. I totally get where she is coming from. 1
WWoW Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 So, let me get this straight. You find what she's asking you to do morally repugnant, but did all of it and more to her? So did her former friend. You're protecting the other woman. How thoughtful of you. You can spin it any way you like, but how is that assessment wrong? 1
cocorico Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 First, do you really believe you can waltz into this women's life and have her come to you on command?!?! Second, Do you really think this is how you demonstrate love to another human being? This girl cheated on you THREE times prior with THREE difference guys?!?!?! This girl becomes inebriated and leaves you to watch the kids even if it means you must miss work. She reminds you constantly that she can kick you out of your in-laws in a flash if you do not act in accordance with her expectations. And so, you now see fit to reward her by making yourself look like a fool? ....wait, actually this all makes perfect sense. Carry on. But some advice, this doesn't demonstrate love. It only shows her you can sit, shake, roll-over, speak, etc., and she doesn't even have to reward you with a treat. I say this with all due respect, but even my dog would not tolerate that much less abuse. Please leave this horribly abusive situation. This is not a relationship, it's a hostage situation. i want nothing more than to show her i love her and her only. This is not love, it's Stockholm Syndrome. I to am in a relationship for over 12 years and i was cheated on in the beginning and i forgave and we carried on and had 3 children. In the mean time life got rough we had lost our house abd our rental properties with the bad economy, had to file bankruptcy, had to move to her inlaws trailer cabin in a jiff, which we got kicked out of 2 days after her gpa died. We moved to a house that was available and it just happens to be the house where we met!!!!! Which is also the house i caught her naked with another guy !!! One of my bf's. As the rough time continued i wanted to talk about whag to do and for 2 years she kept telling me to get another gf find someome elee to talk to im facebooking or texting friends!!! So her bf which she was bit***** to about this came after me and i let my guard down. We had a 2.5 year texting friendsgip and ended up kissing 6 times. My gf knows now and little over a year later she has said we are done and i csnt be given a second chance. Over this last year i have watched her crumble to alcohol going out at the very least once per week but for the majority pf it was 3-5 times a week. Many times stumbling through thedoor at 4am and i cant go to work cause she is to passed to watch kids. Her friebds played a big influence on this drinking as they dont have there kids or they only have them 1-2 days a week. BUT as she dumped me she has gone out less drank less spent more time with me snd has had more sex with me. I would give anything for the chanceagain. Now sje wants me to get the ow to come to me and leave her hsnging and hurt and she said than she would feel better. So idk if that is advice for you or what but i feel for you. It hurts bad and for some reason if we are the second to make mistake amd have affair everyone forgets about the first affair or my case "3" i forgave. She is also talking to another guy now as well. She told me to find a girl You've posted elsewhere how your GF cheated on you. How she told you to get another woman. How you considered it unfair that you caught her "butt naked" with another guy, but she holds your kissing another woman - after she told you to find another woman - against you as a worse crime. Now, suddenly, you love her so much and feel so sorry for what you've done? Something isn't adding up, here.
Author Mikeisch1 Posted July 30, 2016 Author Posted July 30, 2016 This thread was supposed to be about the thoughts of the recent redemption about humiliation. Not about the entire story but it ended up having to include more information to get the story. I do love her and yes that stuff did all happen she did tell me to get gf for 2 years. She did cheat on me. The ****ty part is for me i am not saying this is the case for everyone nor am i saying everyone has been on all sides of a affair, like the betrayed spouse, the other man, the cheater and i have and it is rather odd that being betrayed for me was easier to deal with than being the cheater. You would not think that would be the case but for me it is. Being the cheater is harder than being betrayed. I can handle betrayal, everyone makes bad decisions, bad situations, bad choices, mistakes, bad friends, (there are those that dont care too) i do believe that people can change, that it was a bad situation, bad choice, that the prople deep down knew and ignored wether it be for peer pressure, status quo, or just thought it was right at that time but do regret it. People make bad choices every day at home, at work, at the store etc no matter how small or how big. Maybe that is part of my problem is my view on humans in situations and decision making.
cocorico Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 This thread was supposed to be about the thoughts of the recent redemption about humiliation. Not about the entire story but it ended up having to include more information to get the story. I do love her and yes that stuff did all happen she did tell me to get gf for 2 years. She did cheat on me. The ****ty part is for me i am not saying this is the case for everyone nor am i saying everyone has been on all sides of a affair, like the betrayed spouse, the other man, the cheater and i have and it is rather odd that being betrayed for me was easier to deal with than being the cheater. You would not think that would be the case but for me it is. Being the cheater is harder than being betrayed. I can handle betrayal, everyone makes bad decisions, bad situations, bad choices, mistakes, bad friends, (there are those that dont care too) i do believe that people can change, that it was a bad situation, bad choice, that the prople deep down knew and ignored wether it be for peer pressure, status quo, or just thought it was right at that time but do regret it. People make bad choices every day at home, at work, at the store etc no matter how small or how big. Maybe that is part of my problem is my view on humans in situations and decision making. My point was not that you forgave and she won't unless you commit a series of behaviours you find repugnant, but that you yourself considered it unfair only a week or so ago: I am/was in a similar situation but i knew the first 3 years my gf cheated on me. Something in me almost made me not take no for answer and i would win her faithfullness. I did catch her red handed a few times. Butt ass naked with another guy. I Forgave and it was the best decision ever now with that said i ended up having a texting friendship with a friend of hers 4 years ago. It went on off and on for 2.5 years. We kissed 6 times and that is as far as i went. We have 3 kids together and now i am unforgivable for what i did snd we are barely hanging on it seems st times. Nothing like when i went all in on her. She claims what i did was worse cause it was post kids but i argued the point that our first couple years should have been our honeyphase and should have bedn nothing but her and i. This argument gets no where fast. I brought it up how i forgave and dealt with it and she wont hear it. Says we were young it wasnt the same. Well if i can offer advice if you think you can get over it do not cheat back cause just cause you forgive someone does not meanyoi will get the same in return. Also when i started texting my gf wss telling me for 2 years to find someone ekse to talk to and find another gf on the side. Well she told the other wokan all this stuff and she pursued me i did not pursue her. Now, in this thread, you're saying you love her so much you're willing to consider even this evil thing she wants you to do. Despite, just recently, recognising the fundamental unfairness of her unwillingness to forgive you for some texting and kissing when she did far worse, three times, previously to you - which you forgave. Her treatment of you sounds horribly abusive and she sounds like a really toxic person - yet despite her drunken bouts which which leave her unable to look after the kids (causing you to miss work to take care of them) you insist she's a good parent? Please seek help. Clearly she has gaslighted you to the extent you are no longer able to recognise reality. Your children are in real danger, and you may be too. This is not a relationship. This is a really messed up person messing with others - and with innocent kids in the mix, it won't end well.
Author Mikeisch1 Posted July 30, 2016 Author Posted July 30, 2016 Holy f*** gas lighting is exactly right. It is such a joke i actually laughed out loud when i read about it on psycology today. Now to decide if i should go right after work and confront her today.
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