Ex-BF Closure

[vansaddict00]

My ex-bf and I broke up mutually. I did it too quickly without any closure or discussion. We just stopped talking and hanging out since we were both busy and had different interests. I have a lot to say to get it off my chest. I wrote things in a journal to let our my anger and frustrations. Is it my place to tell him these things for myself to get closure? I'm with someone new already who left for a couple months, so I am finally alone to think and overthink things. I don't want reconciliation but just want to let things off my chest so I can feel better and move on. It hurts to know I wasn't worth fighting for. Still in pain...still recovering. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

[Bialy]

Let sleeping dogs lie.

 

With time, things will feel better. Nothing good will come from contacting him. Be strong! It's tough, I know. I was denied proper closure from my ex -- but I've found some peace.

 

You will find your peace. He didn't think you were worth fighting for -- so why waste anymore time and energy?

[vansaddict00]

Let sleeping dogs lie.

 

With time, things will feel better. Nothing good will come from contacting him. Be strong! It's tough, I know. I was denied proper closure from my ex -- but I've found some peace.

 

You will find your peace. He didn't think you were worth fighting for -- so why waste anymore time and energy?

 

Thanks! You have a great point. I just feel that telling him will make me feel better...to help me breathe better. My anxiety is really bad and am getting a bit depressed. I feel like my current bf is shielding me from recovery and I made the leap too quickly. It was my mistake and am dealing with the consequences.

[Bialy]

Your ex rejected you once -- who is to say that he won't reject you again? Why would he want to meet with you? What exactly does he get? Why would he bother?

 

Don't seek validation and recognition from him. Don't give him that power. You're placing your state of mind in his hands. Don't give him that. You got this, girl! Believe in yourself!

 

Did you end up contacting him?

[vansaddict00]

Your ex rejected you once -- who is to say that he won't reject you again? Why would he want to meet with you? What exactly does he get? Why would he bother?

 

Don't seek validation and recognition from him. Don't give him that power. You're placing your state of mind in his hands. Don't give him that. You got this, girl! Believe in yourself!

 

Did you end up contacting him?

 

Thanks girl! You're absolutely right! *all the hugs to you*.

 

I love this forum so much! And I really love your advice!

 

I was browsing around and SmileyGirl said in a different post, "A good friend recently told me "You find closure in yourself, nothing that person says or does will change what happened. Closure is found in your heart and your the ONLY person who has control over when your ready to move on"... so so true. Now a days, I am beginning to think I keep SAYING I need closure because if I were to get "the closure" I'm looking for I would have zero reason to not move on. "

 

For me...I think the hardest part is knowing you've been with someone for 6 years and it all came to a sudden end. I don't know what this quote really means right now since it sounds so far off at the moment, but I hope to one day experience this. It's hard to live in the moment when you want the moment to just pass away rather than linger around every second I have alone to myself.

 

My plan was to send him a message to help me recoup. One that stated how he treated me...signifying reasons things came to an end and to help him realize what he did was wrong. I think I suffered a lot of mental abuse which is why I wanted to tell him to help soothe and relieve this build up of pain. He would yell at me..make comments about not wanting to be with me if I gained weight...would lather himself in comments about his body...pulling up t-shirt reiterating how important his self-image/ego was to himself to flatter only himself and not me. Got mad at me for talking to a female friend (on our anniversary) and saying I was ignoring him..when his chair was turned and he spoke a few words. It was a 10 min convo since we were all eating at separate tables directly next to each other. I think this was due to an underling problem of insecurity on his behalf. He left me once alone to talk to a friend, completely leaving the room.. outside on a balcony and I was left to humor myself with his friend's roommate. He did me way worse but I tolerated it bc I loved him. I didn't bring this up when he got upset at me because I didn't want to be a B and spoil the rest of the night. I could of though...

 

Another instance...he blew up on me for using his phone...yelling at me. I wanted to send him pics so I could upload it on his phone because I was out of space. He claimed..his whole reason for getting me a new phone was so this wouldn't happen...which he ragged about. I even offered to switch phones and we did, but I had enough and gave up. Not sure if he was hiding something and at this point that was the final straw.

 

But yeah I have a lot of things I could have said in these moments in time but I didn't...so this energy of frustration and anger is really being pent up and I feel ready to explode. Maybe I want a sorry from him...maybe I just want him to realize what kind of person he turned into so he could understand why I left. Mainly so I can feel better about myself though...it is a selfish move...but at the same time I've been selfless and putting up with a lot of his crap. Because I didn't say anything, maybe he doesn't even know what he did was wrong.

[mg101]

He knows he treated you badly and if he doesn't, you telling him won't make him realize it. It'll take his own introspection and growth, maybe even karma,before he does. I know you want "closure" and an apology. I do too. But I know it'll mean nothing and change nothing. It didn't in the past.

 

How long have you been no contact? If it's been more than a few weeks, just journal to yourself, tellet a friend, write it down here if you must.

[vansaddict00]

He knows he treated you badly and if he doesn't, you telling him won't make him realize it. It'll take his own introspection and growth, maybe even karma,before he does. I know you want "closure" and an apology. I do too. But I know it'll mean nothing and change nothing. It didn't in the past.

 

How long have you been no contact? If it's been more than a few weeks, just journal to yourself, tellet a friend, write it down here if you must.

 

I like your perspective! Thanks for your advice! I feel like I haven't seen the light yet. Just trying to stay positive out of a negative situation.

 

Since Valentine's Day....so it's been about 5 months.

I've technically been single for a year previously though...although we were together.

We started our careers and hanging out with our own friends...spending less and less time together...so essentially we became strangers....and the effort to see each other was rarely there. He was always busy with work.

 

The thing that bothered me the most was on Vday I called him and am at his house ready to talk to him..had all his stuff packed...ready to confront him. I call him and come to find out he says he's at a hotel near his work because of the gas leak in Cali. He had mentioned this idea before but he finally went through with it without telling me. That really threw me off. For one thing...even though he claimed he had work...I do believe him but it got that bad where he didn't even tell me where he was and his plans...

I had to break up with him over the phone...so I feel deprived of breaking up with him in person, the way I wanted it to happen.

 

He's a lawyer so I understand he would work OT a lot and sometimes til 2am.

This sort of conditioned me to go out on my own to socialize with friends. I never really had time alone bc I was always an extrovert and needed to be with other people/ That's where I gain my happiness and I never liked being alone.

 

My problem that I'm realizing is that I don't know how to be alone...to be by myself and I feel as if maybe I got into a new relationship too quickly to comfort the loneliness. It helped mask the pain to help me recover by avoiding it. Since he's gone for a couple month...I'm alone for a while and I have more time to think too much into things. First time being actually alone in forever and it's really rough. I'm in such a deep mess that I'm trying to put on a happy face but the emotions are slowly devouring me.

 

Was there anything you did that really took your mind off things? That became a serene place of safety and peace?

[mg101]

Initially, talking my best friend, sister and mothers ears off helped. They weren't a fan of the relationship and gave me great perspective. After that, I personally stuck to a regimen of reading the bible and praying every morning and night, first and last thing. I prayed to be able to let go of guilt, self doubt, regret, fear etc. I even prayed for him. But never for reconciliation. I also stayed very busy with work, taking care of myself and doing the things I enjoyed. I also blocked him and deleted him off social media. Deleted all old texts, emails and photos. Redecorated and cleaned up my place. It really worked. But I've been slacking the past two weeks after he sent me a happy bday msg on my work phone whatsapp. I notice now what has led to my regression. I've slacked on my prayer routine, I've not kept as busy and focused on work etc.

 

Best thing is talking to someone and focusing on all that was wrong in the relationship. Write it out of you must. Pray/ meditate. If being social is what you enjoy, do it. With friends or a meet up. But honestly, the most important thing is genuinely making a break through within yourself in how you view what happened and being logical in what "closure" would accomplish given what you know about him and the relationship. If I hadn't done that early on, I'm sure I would have responded to his early msgs or faltered by now. That's what's really keeping me from breaking nc. But those other things will make NC a better experience itself if practiced consistently..

[vansaddict00]

Initially, talking my best friend, sister and mothers ears off helped. They weren't a fan of the relationship and gave me great perspective. After that, I personally stuck to a regimen of reading the bible and praying every morning and night, first and last thing. I prayed to be able to let go of guilt, self doubt, regret, fear etc. I even prayed for him. But never for reconciliation. I also stayed very busy with work, taking care of myself and doing the things I enjoyed. I also blocked him and deleted him off social media. Deleted all old texts, emails and photos. Redecorated and cleaned up my place. It really worked. But I've been slacking the past two weeks after he sent me a happy bday msg on my work phone whatsapp. I notice now what has led to my regression. I've slacked on my prayer routine, I've not kept as busy and focused on work etc.

 

Best thing is talking to someone and focusing on all that was wrong in the relationship. Write it out of you must. Pray/ meditate. If being social is what you enjoy, do it. With friends or a meet up. But honestly, the most important thing is genuinely making a break through within yourself in how you view what happened and being logical in what "closure" would accomplish given what you know about him and the relationship. If I hadn't done that early on, I'm sure I would have responded to his early msgs or faltered by now. That's what's really keeping me from breaking nc. But those other things will make NC a better experience itself if practiced consistently..

 

Thanks for your words of wisdom! I really appreciate your insight!

I think the best thing would be to go out and enjoy life. I need distractions... plain and simple. I was able to write all my troubles down. I feel much better now after hearing what you had to say. I came at it as being angry at him but now I realize he's not worth the energy. I just have to carry on and hope he doesn't send a bday message! I didn't send one to him so I'm not expecting one but you never know... The hardest part is that good memories seep in, when I should be thinking of the last year and how bad it was. It really clouds my mind. Right now harping on his negatives is helping me bring closure because he sort of evolved into this person I didn't seem to recognize anymore. In a way I feel sorry for him because he turned into a cruel person. I deserved better...to be treated better...and I know things were falling apart. When you start to rip on another person, they disrespect you...as if there is an underlying motive playing upon his own insecurities being directed at me. e.g. body image- low self-esteem, jealousy- fear of being excluded, lack of communication- anger was the easiest outlet . I see how immature he is and I feel like I've grow without him. Like he wasn't able to keep up with me. He chose not to do things with my friends...I made a mistake at the beginning but I admitted it to him that I was wrong but he held it against me and used it against me to not hang out with my friends. That's when our separation started. Then lack of communication.

 

He dropped my clothes off like 3 months later writing a note saying he hopes me and my family are done and sorry that it took so long to return my stuff. My clothes were pretty much stuffed and he wrote I would need to wash them.

 

I am feeling so many emotions right now....I don't want to forgive or forget...but just move on. We will be strong together.