Weezy1973 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 As you likely know, almost every parenting book out there says that the best thing for the kids is to make your relationship / marriage the priority. However, if you're no longer with the father does this still apply for you? And if it does, at what point do you make your new relationship a priority? And I don't mean making the relationship a priority over your kids; I just mean making the relationship a priority because modelling a healthy relationship to your kids is one of the best things a parent can do.
Snow_Queen Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 (edited) The best thing you can do for your child is to make sure they feel loved. Throw out the idea that having a mom and dad (or stepdad) under the same roof is ALWAYS the healthiest...it's not. A family doesn't always have a mom, dad, siblings, etc. Sometimes a family includes a mom and grandparents, aunts/uncles. What is most important is to show your child that healthy relationships can exist in many forms. Edited July 19, 2016 by Snow_Queen 7
Author Weezy1973 Posted July 19, 2016 Author Posted July 19, 2016 The best thing you can do for your child is to make sure they feel loved. Throw out the idea that having a mom and dad (or stepdad) under the same roof is ALWAYS the healthiest...it's not. A family doesn't always have a mom, dad, siblings, etc. Sometimes a family includes a mom and grandparents, aunts/uncles. What is most important is to show your child that healthy relationships can exist in many forms. Yes of course, but if neither mom nor dad can maintain a healthy relationship at all, this doesn't bode well for the kids at all. I mean it's possible that some people just can't be in healthy relationships regardless. They're too impulsive, or narcissistic, or addicts etc. So maybe it's just to make the best of a bad genetic makeup? Or is it actually important to people to put their all into their relationships for the betterment of their children?
Lady2163 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 I don't have kids. Men who say, "my kids are my life. My kids come first." Scare me off fast. It's about balance being able to identify wants, needs and prioritize. "My kids come first" is a cop out to keep someone at arms' length or a license to mistreat someone. Princess needs a coat. You are off Saurday and Sunday. Princess has no actitivties that weekend. Your SO is getting a once in a lifetime award Saturday at noon. Princess wants to go shopping and have lunch out on Saturday. Which do you do? Prince has a basketball game. He is 10. He sits on the bench most of the time. Your live-in/spouse has just had surgery and needs help getting out of bed. Do you go to Prince's basketball game, which only takes an hour at most and then out for ice cream and stay and visit with the other parents for two hours? Or do you explain to Prince that you need to miss this one game. The first story happened to me and he chose to get Princess a coat and ignore my calls. The second story happened to a friend. The live in chose the game. The bedridden partner ended up having to call a neighbor for help because they made a mess in the bed. Neighbor had to help clean them, strip the bed, remake the bed and start a load of laundry. The parent in this scenario also ignored numerous texts and pleas for help. And the thing is: The children see people mistreat their partners. They see the power they have. Not all scenarios are that cut and dried. 2
RecentChange Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 I am a product of my mother's 4th marriage. My older half brother and sister got to watch "new dad's" come and go (luckily mine adopted them, and put an end to that revolving door permanently, even after their divorce). Let me tell you, they certainly knew that the next man in her life became my mother's priority. Not healthy, and not conductive to good relationships. MOM AND DAD having a healthy prioritized relationship is one thing, prioritizing new boyfriend is another. My sister has never been able to forgive her. I think it has been a good 10 years since they have spoken now I tend to think when you choose to have children they should be your top priority, not your new romantic interest 5
Author Weezy1973 Posted July 19, 2016 Author Posted July 19, 2016 I am a product of my mother's 4th marriage. My older half brother and sister got to watch "new dad's" come and go (luckily mine adopted them, and put an end to that revolving door permanently, even after their divorce). Let me tell you, they certainly knew that the next man in her life became my mother's priority. Not healthy, and not conductive to good relationships. MOM AND DAD having a healthy prioritized relationship is one thing, prioritizing new boyfriend is another. My sister has never been able to forgive her. I think it has been a good 10 years since they have spoken now I tend to think when you choose to have children they should be your top priority, not your new romantic interest Yup - this is what I mean. Making your life about the always new boyfriend (or girlfriend) is never ideal. But at some point one has to make the relationship a priority.
xxoo Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Yup - this is what I mean. Making your life about the always new boyfriend (or girlfriend) is never ideal. But at some point one has to make the relationship a priority. A priority, alongside the kids. But never first. I'm married, but if I were single, I'd never put a man before my kids. He'd need to learn to get along with them, and make them a priority, too. Everyone is important in this family. 5
Lady2163 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 A priority, alongside the kids. But never first. I'm married, but if I were single, I'd never put a man before my kids. He'd need to learn to get along with them, and make them a priority, too. Everyone is important in this family. I realize we are zooming into hypothetical scenarios, but you're asking a lot from a future spouse. Assuming your "exH" is still active and involved with the kids, your new husband will always play second fiddle in the "dad" role. If your new husband is a good man and meets your needs, he doesn't need to learn to "get along" with your kids, ALL of them should be expected to treat each other with courtesy and hopefully, affection. Someone I'm close to married a man with a four year old daughter. The exw met someone and there were many last minute phone calls to "take" the daughter overnight on non-visitation days. The new wife recognized the importance of this and never said no, even though it meant a lot of juggling and sacrifice. When the child was eight, her mother married a military man and for eight years they had primary custody while mother traveled with her new husband. They raised her 340 days out of the year for eight years. The mother paid no child support and often argued over paying for airfare. Then mom moves back to the area and wants the daughter back. Daughter has of course missed her mom and wants to live with her. They grudgingly gave in. Then the husband and second wife paid for six years of college. She said one of the hardest things she has ever done was to NOT give an ultimatum. "This is the last year we will pay for". "You will NOT change majors again." The six years cost about $140,000. Last year the adult child got married. The second wife and husband agreed to pony up $20,000 for the wedding. This is a decent sized sum for my area, but it doesn't cover everything. The adult child quickly burned through that budget. Her mother offered up $5000. Child came to her dad and second wife asking for more money. Child said, "well, dad gave us $20,000, how much are you willing to give?" To the second wife. This child is now 28. Second wife sort of kept her cool and ignored that comment until her husband said, "well, I guess I could get a loan...." Second wife didn't explode, but she did unleash on the stepdaughter. There had been an engagement party and a wedding shower. 2nd wife pointed out she was not invited to either of those. The child said, "well, my mom was there." 2nd wife said words to the effect of what did she expect for the wedding and reception? The stepchild then told her, "Well, I was wondering if you would mind not coming to the wedding? I want both my parents to walk me down the aisle and I want them to sit together. You're welcome at the reception." This is after 24 years of marriage, 8 years of custodial care and 6 years of college tuition. It's a dangerous path to put your spouse second to the kids. Kids need to know they are important, they are loved and they are protected. But the also need to see parent and stepparent as a united front, as a solid team. They need to see them have "us" time. They need to see them as the adults and recognize that while they are members of a family unit, the children are not running the show. 3
Redhead14 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 (edited) As you likely know, almost every parenting book out there says that the best thing for the kids is to make your relationship / marriage the priority. However, if you're no longer with the father does this still apply for you? And if it does, at what point do you make your new relationship a priority? And I don't mean making the relationship a priority over your kids; I just mean making the relationship a priority because modelling a healthy relationship to your kids is one of the best things a parent can do. The #1 priority when a couple is divorced is the children and the co-parenting relationship. The #2 priority of either party when bringing a new partner to the the mix, is to ensure that that new partner supports those priorities. Edited July 19, 2016 by Redhead14 3
Lady2163 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 The #1 priority when a couple is divorced is the children and the co-parenting relationship. The #2 priority of either party when bringing a new partner to the the mix, is to ensure that that new partner supports those priorities. Uh....no. Maybe I'm reading these wrong. The co-parenting relationship shouldn't be a priority to the new spouse. I'm still not really grasping from a previous post wth hypothetical of my "new spouse learning to get along with my kids...." If there isn't abuse or neglect then.... A teacher doesn't have to "learn to get along" with your child, your child has to respect his/her authority. Grandparents, Aunts and uncles don't have to learn it, your child does. A police officer doesn't have to learn to communicate with your child. Yet, an adult, a step parent is expected to merely be considered an option and has to adapt to the child? Maybe it is just semantics. In all honesty, if you want to put your kids first, then don't date or pursue a relationship.
xxoo Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Uh....no. Maybe I'm reading these wrong. The co-parenting relationship shouldn't be a priority to the new spouse. I'm still not really grasping from a previous post wth hypothetical of my "new spouse learning to get along with my kids...." If there isn't abuse or neglect then.... A teacher doesn't have to "learn to get along" with your child, your child has to respect his/her authority. Grandparents, Aunts and uncles don't have to learn it, your child does. A police officer doesn't have to learn to communicate with your child. Yet, an adult, a step parent is expected to merely be considered an option and has to adapt to the child? Maybe it is just semantics. In all honesty, if you want to put your kids first, then don't date or pursue a relationship. "Get along" is a mutual thing. The kids and new partner need to learn to get along, together. As I said, everyone is important in this family. Everyone sucks it up for another family member at times. We subscribe to the "suck it up" school of family life, and that includes the new spouse I would not marry a man who believed he should come before my kids. As for all those big money scenarios, that's not a reality in my family, heh. No worries! 1
Lady Hamilton Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 I've never understood this idea that kids should be the priority and all else comes second, or the relationship should be the priority and everything else comes behind that... We live in a world with rotating situational priorities where everything takes a turn at being the focus, the most important thing there is. I think healthy kids and healthy relationships come from facilitating that rotation of importance, not by saying "this is the priority and then comes everything else." There are times where the kids are the priority, there are times where my husband is the priority. There are times where family, work, and even personal time is the priority. By saying to my husband or my kids "Sorry, it's 8am and I need to work, I can't hang out and do what you'd like me to do" isn't me making a stance that work is the most important thing in my life, it's me saying that this needs to be my priority right now. It won't stay that way, but for now... This is what's important. Same with the kids... If my child or stepchild has a key sports event that means a lot to them or means a lot in the grand scheme of things and my husband says "let's go on a date that night," I don't say "Sorry kids!" and blast out the door. I tell my husband "today is not a good day for it because child X has event Y." On the flip side, I do have set aside date-days with my husband every other week. I don't schedule events those days, I do make sure the kids are with family for the day, and then we go out and do things just us for the day. Not like grocery shopping or daily tasks, but daytrips, dates, or just stay at home and do things we designate as special (movie night, game night, etc). And every night after 7 is our time. Kids know it's time to go to bed, we don't deal with bedtime shennanegans like 15 trips to the bathroom or the like, and we take the time out to do something together (usually watch a movie or play a game). The kids also know our bed is our bed, our bedroom is just our space and they can't come in unless invited (because we need personal space too), and they see and hear us say all the time that we are important to each other and need to do things together. When it comes to single parenting, I've been lucky enough to not be the single parent, but the person who had to be eased into the dynamic, and I've watched my husband's ex be a "single parent." I know that intergrating into the family somebody who has more than a civil relationship with the kids is key. You have to find somebody who really meshes with the kids, or else life will be a mess for both you and the kids. Yes, they need to see a healthy relationship, but they also need to be part of one too... And they're not like the family dog or a houseplant. You have to take into account their needs too. I mesh with the kids really nicely and I'd like to think they mesh with me too. They want me at events, they are affectionate and loving, and they genuinely like being around me to a point where time we'd flagged as one-on-one time for them to be alone with their father while I and their half-sibling go elsewhere has evolved into a rotating schedule of one-on-one time with me and their father. There is a true and genuine bond there. I'm there for I'd say 95% of their activities (what I miss, I miss for health reasons and they get that), their father is there for 60-80% depending on the time of year (for work reasons, they get that), and we have a lot of true quality time with them, but they also see us have true quality time together as well. Meanwhile, their mother has attached herself to a guy who was an aquaintence with benefits and she hoped it would evolve into a relationship while he said he was fine with things as they were. He never saw the kids, never spent time with them, never really cared about him, and had said repeatedly that he's not a "kids guy"... Which is fine as an AWB. However, she "accidentally" got pregnant and said her religious family demanded a ring, so in the span of a week he met the kids, moved in with them, and proposed to her. He is around the kids, he gets them gifts, but he's barely civil to them. He doesn't want to get to know them, he doesn't like it when they intrude on his free time, and for awhile we got constant emails on just how irritating he found them to be and how irritating he found our co-parenting to be when it conflicted with his wants. In an attempt to make this work, she's put him above anything. She doesn't show up to events that happen while the kids are with us because "that's their time." She leaves the kids with her family to go out with him every week on 2 of the 3.5 days they have with the kids because "they need date time." When he says he doesn't feel like dealing with the kids, our phone or her family's phone rings and she works to get them out and gone as fast as possible. She's no longer involved in their schooling other than passively (he says it's a hassle and not that important because they're young), they no longer participate in team sports or sporting events which they were highly active in unless we or her family take them (he doesn't want to deal with it), and the kids have stopped doing events and the like on her time where they used to do all sorts of local events and activities. Now they have a TV in their room and on the 1.5 day a week their at their house, they spend it "playing in their room" and watching TV when he's home. To say that has confused and hurt the kids is only putting it mildly. So I think there's something to be said for trying to find somebody who proves themselves to be somebody worth making a shared priority over the kids. I think that anybody expecting that they are always the priority leads to problems. I think assuming that civility to kids in a single parent relationship dynamic is enough, or that a new stepparent who's coming in will be a back burner to the "real parents" is also a misnomer. There are times where everybody takes turns being important and there is no one thing that is more important all the time than the other. 3
GunslingerRoland Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 This thread is interesting with the extremes, but it boils down to a couple of things. Dating is different than marriage. Some caveats to that, are some people stupidly jump back into marriage way too fast, and it's more like dating, and some people don't believe in marriage, so their dating is in effect a marriage. But the child does need to remain more important until the relationship is established, then they both need to be important. Also a child, is a child. An adult is an adult, you shouldn't have to baby your adult offspring, whether you are remarried or not... if you pay for every cent of your adult offspring's life, then they can't learn responsibility for themselves. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 (edited) I don't think this is a simple as deciding who is priority and who gets the short end of the stick. There are so many variations to each scenario that it's impossible to say one size fits all and call it a day. I've seen both sides to this with both good and bad results. My brother and his wife are one of those who have ALWAYS made each other and their marriage a major priority over anything and everything in their lives. As a result they have a very happy and very strong marriage. Enviable by most. The down side is that their narrow focus means there isn't a whole lot of room left to meet the deeper needs of their children and this has created some problems with them feeling like they don't quite matter or their needs and wants and voice don't count as much. Sometimes being overly consumed with your own relationship makes room for all kinds of sh*t to happen when you're not paying close enough attention to the rest of your family. And it did for them. And just because someone is in a LT relationship or marriage doesn't necessarily mean it's healthy which brings with it it's own set of problems and issues when a toxic relationship becomes a priority over children. I could go on all day with examples of the variances that prevents this from being as black and white as you might think it is. Impossible!! I agree with Snow Queen when she said that the best thing you can do for your child is make love and respect a priority in your every day life and dealings regardless of who it is and above all else, to make sure your children feel loved and heard. That's my take away on this subject and how I choose to parent my children. Edited July 19, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle
NTV Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 I think that the 'kids come first' priority is not necessarily a true depiction of reality. As Lady Hamilton said, priorities are in constant flux. I think rather the 'kids come first' mantra that you see a lot of us dad's stick to is more of a reflection of self-identity. When we have accomplishments, it generally easy to add those into our self identity in the right spot. I.e. John Smith, accountant, pianist, sculpture, bears fan. But for a lot of us men, it is socially assumed that in this listing of priorities, our job title will supersede our role as father. So that the list will always go Name, Job, THEN Husband/Father. It's likely a social reflection of our historic roles of provider--i.e. you job impacts your ability to provide for your family which was at one time the value-added contribution we were credited for. Even the Godfather worked that way (to an extent) lol, and he was a family man. Another important consideration I think is that children often can't care for themselves (especially young ones). So when you say that a new relationship takes priority over someone who is solely dependent upon your care, that's not necessarily a good thing. And I know that's not what OP was saying, but that's just the stepping stone to get to the next example... in terms of teaching your children, I would assume that basic life skills come first, morals/ethics, followed by school education, followed by household responsibilities, followed by social relationships (including but not limited to lovers), followed by financial responsibility, environmental and social stewardship, etc. etc.. But that's just my own personal hypothetical list of teaching priorities... and I deliberately left religion out because it will be variable. I hope this helps! 1
preraph Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 That's not true what you read about making marriage a priority. Sounds like a man wrote that. You do what's best for your children, and that can mean nurturing a healthy marriage, but it never means staying in a bad one because that does them no favors. People end up staying because of money problems. That's not good either, but it is what it is.
mikeylo Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Both relationships are important and that is why balance is very important.Neither the child nor the partner should be left out. Single parents are very common these days and it is hard to find a partner whom you can bring close to your child.One has to be very selective.Those who are not, end up messing everyone.One of the reasons where some dont get serious with anyone till the child is old enough to understand that their parent also needs a partner.That is usually during the teenage years, 14 -15 years old are the best age to understand. They also need to see a healthy relationship between parent/step parent.Its very very important. They are with single parent because it didnt work out with bio parent but if you stay single forever, it doesnt teach them anything.But again, bringing the right partner is the key. My wife's friend is single with a daughter.She has a new boyfriend every month for the last 8 years.The little girl, now a teenager, is a complete mess. My brother is a commitment phobe.Chases and has flings with different women.Has plenty of 'female friends' to play and poke around.I have distanced my teenage son from him as he is such a bad role model. Children need to see that their single parents needs a partner to spend life with.It doesnt mean that they will be thrown into sidelines. People who declare' my kid comes first ' are not ready to take responsibility of managing 2 relationships. 2
Recommended Posts