phineas Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 I have actually pretty much ignored her now for a while because I was getting a strong impression at some point she would be a major clinger at some point. lol Yeah, I was a little slow on the uptake and drunk with my new found super power.
phineas Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Ok. Small update. I'd had mentioned I have to go to the Dr office where she works. It's a small quiet office. I get a shot in my behind every 2 weeks. Well I went today. Hadn't seen her since breakup. Where she was cold and distant. Well. Today she is nice. Hugs me. Tells me I look great and looks me up and down. Asks how is work and about my daughter. She actually gave me the shot vs the other nurse that could have done it. It felt nice but weird. She surprised me. If I had not moved on as much as I have I would feel this was an opening for me and probably try to text her. I'm not. But I still wonder what's going on with her. I didn't expect her to be anything but cold. It's easier for her. Thoughts? She got to stab you in the arse with a needle? Maybe it is easier for her or maybe it's just an act. However, does it matter? you are moving on. 2
Toodaloo Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 She got to stab you in the arse with a needle? Maybe it is easier for her or maybe it's just an act. However, does it matter? you are moving on. Thats my thought. Do not let your mind worry about it though Biker. 1
newheart Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 I met her kids 6 days in which is very unusual for her and me. ********************************************** I want to give another example. The night before as I drove us all home. It was late. Her daughter kept talking. My GF was on her case to be quiet. GF was over the top in my opinion. She had me pull into an abandoned gas station and she got her daughter out to pretend she was going to leave her there. That's atrocious. But I wasn't going to criticize her parenting. ^ This is horrible. I would run, run, run away from this woman! She did THIS, but broke up with you for speaking sternly to her child? Give me a break. I know it is hard and I haven't even read through the whole thread yet, but I hope you decided to look at this event as a blessing in disguise! Good luck!
Author biker23 Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 Thats my thought. Do not let your mind worry about it though Biker. yes, could be an act. you are correct that it doesnt matter. But it is a quick move from a short discussion just sunday night when she was still steamed over that discipline incident...to now be really nice and complimentary. Honestly, if I was trying to push to move this forward (Im not), that visit would have been encouraging. To soften it sunday with my explanation to that visit with her acting the way she did and asking about my work and kids. I think it would be false hope as she does things to help herself...unclear how being nice helps her other than making my short visits easier without anxiety but I expected her to stay out of it and let the other nurse treat me. other than if she needs something in the drama in her life, being nice she maybe able to ask for help in the future. Pure guess. Dont care. thx.
salparadise Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Oh, I don't think this is hard to figure out at all. It's just the pull side of the push-pull. You've been incommunicado and that's automatically going to flip her around. Her optimal situation is to be pushing while you are pulling such that she's in control. When you quit pulling it upsets the equilibrium and forces her to switch modes. Even if she has soured on the whole thing, she'd rather you be chasing. Your indifference isn't giving her what she wants. 1
Author biker23 Posted July 21, 2016 Author Posted July 21, 2016 Oh, I don't think this is hard to figure out at all. It's just the pull side of the push-pull. You've been incommunicado and that's automatically going to flip her around. Her optimal situation is to be pushing while you are pulling such that she's in control. When you quit pulling it upsets the equilibrium and forces her to switch modes. Even if she has soured on the whole thing, she'd rather you be chasing. Your indifference isn't giving her what she wants. Then it will drive her crazy. I'm not communicating at all. ok I did like a FB post of a memory post of her 5 yo son. The one I saved from certain death at the dock (drama added for effect)
Toodaloo Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Then it will drive her crazy. I'm not communicating at all. ok I did like a FB post of a memory post of her 5 yo son. The one I saved from certain death at the dock (drama added for effect) That is more on point than you think. The girl loves drama. So by "seeing you again" she has to be all nice and oh what a drama it sis but she did so well to be so sweet... Urgh. Don't bother. Its just exhausting.
Author biker23 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 Ok, I got a call at 1:30am from this girl. She found pics on facebook of me out with her friends on her boat this past weekend. She was, um, angry...but more upset than mad. Long story short, 4 hours of talking and her version of all the stories and me challenging her behavior. She agrees she has areas to work on...apparently backing away after a relationship starts is her pattern and it often ends them...ours is different because of how serious we were from the beginning. She also pulls away during stress and claims that doesnt happen when its a more established relationship. Stands by her opinion that I gritted my teeth and told her son to sit down in a very angry tone...said it was shocking to her. But her kids didnt care according to her. She is still not sure she can handle it which is fine. Doesnt like conflict...she didnt mention the discipline issue with me because she was processing it herself and couldnt discuss it without truly understanding how she felt about it. It was nice to talk thru most of my concerns. Basically agreed she is not ready for a relationship in her life and Im not ready to have one with her at this point. We will stay connected and friends for now. So after 2 weeks of basically NC, a 4 hour call last night...and shes already texted me again this morning. Unsure if this is part of the push/pull given I left her alone for so long. Or if I blew a lot of this out of portion.
Gaeta Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Unsure if this is part of the push/pull given I left her alone for so long. Or if I blew a lot of this out of portion. Yes it is. This woman sounds unstable and a bad parents. You were clear and strict with her children but at least they won't drown under your watch! I have come across many bad dads in my years of dating and this is an area I never compromised on. If they were not solid parents I did not want to associate with them.
Author biker23 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 I wanted to update this and Im expecting some to say what are you doing and I thought you were going to move on from this relationship. Well, with my further discussions and clarifications with her, my heart will not let me. I feel much different once we were able to talk for so long and clear up so many assumptions and issues we had. But let me share more and ask for some feedback on next steps. Basically here is the situation: - yes she is under a huge about of stress and feels her life is in turmoil. But in addition she has a habit of pulling back in serious relationships and freaking out. She did this with her ex-husband and said she even broke up with him but ended up falling head of heels. Said usually she doesnt get feelings back and she gains a 'friend' but was honest with me to say we started so intense that this doesnt feel that way...she wants to stay close and connected but needs space due to the life issues. I said I would like to stay connected more often than just seeing her every 2 weeks at the Dr office, she said she would really like that. - yes she is still concerned over the discipline but that doesnt appear to be a deal breaker, it was a contributor. - Her space was truly that...she wasnt dating...was with kids, hobbies and trying to fix her life...getting off some meds that are affecting her moods etc. - As I stated above, she called me at 2am last week..mad about something that I had to explain, but it got us talking for 4 hrs...all night. Talked about why we loved each other, had some laughs..it was very sweet and useful but in the end we are friends right now..she wants to stay connected. says her parents tell her they hope she works it out because they love me. we talked about me dating..she said it is of course unfair to me to just wait for her. She asked if I had already met someone and I admitted to be texting with one girl whom I have since lost interest but she doesnt know that. She was a bit jealous of that...so I think she says I can date, but really doesnt want me to and of course doesnt have control over it. - she said she needs to work on 3 things...freaking out when a relationship gets serious so fast, pulling back when stressed out vs. leaning in and embracing conflict and not hiding behind 'space'. - I did state I was not 100% ready to jump back in and we would have to reboot this relationship and talk about what had occurred and how I was treated etc. our differences etc. - So we chatted again later that day and a short text that evening. Then a nice text exchange sunday afternoon. - where I am struggling is how to stay connected but not overboard. She isnt good at reaching out as she builds a cocoon with her stress, so waiting for her to reach out may take a long time and honestly not what she wants either. I miss her and want to talk more on US and get moving forward (or cut loose), but I also know she needs time...which sucks and is difficult. - I also am struggling with dating. She asked if I've slept with anyone, which is NO. But I also want us to figure us out without the drama of I did date and who was it etc..which could change the outcome. Advice on how to stay connected and handle this complicated 'friendship'? I was watching some Corey Wayne videos and have a hard time buying into his approach in this situation of basically pulling way back
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Why do you want this at all? Are you afraid you won't find anyone else to date? This relationship lasted a fraction of time, you won't remember it in 6 months. You cannot build a strong relationship on a stack of broken glass. You don't build a strong relationship with someone who already has 3 major things to work on! We often say men love crazies, it's hard not to believe it when I read threads like these. 1
Author biker23 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 Why do you want this at all? Are you afraid you won't find anyone else to date? This relationship lasted a fraction of time, you won't remember it in 6 months. You cannot build a strong relationship on a stack of broken glass. You don't build a strong relationship with someone who already has 3 major things to work on! We often say men love crazies, it's hard not to believe it when I read threads like these. No, not at all. Not an issue. I had someone pursue me hard in past 2 weeks...and I was resistant to it. I guess guys think girls want bad boys and girls think guys want crazies. Its all in the eye of the beholder and obviously I cannot describe a relationship on a forum with purely the issues. I was asked why by friends and it comes down to something in my heart...if I lose that, Im out and normally I am out. This one is staying there and I want to discover why.
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 This one is staying there and I want to discover why. How much time you have to waste? At 50 I finally figured out it's not because someone feels good that they are good for me. Me being infatuated or hypnotized by someone has stopped commanding my heart. It's a trick of the brain and I don't even care to know why it exists, I just know someone unstable and full of hang-ups, drama, dysfunctions, has no place in my life. 1
salparadise Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 We often say men love crazies, it's hard not to believe it when I read threads like these. No, not at all. Not an issue. I was asked why by friends and it comes down to something in my heart...if I lose that, Im out and normally I am out. This one is staying there and I want to discover why. Like a moth to a flame. It certainly makes for some interesting topics though. I look forward to the heightened entertainment value over the coming months. Any way I can get in on one of those boat rides? 1
ChatroomHero Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 biker, I think it's not your heart talking but a place a couple of feet south. Are you ready for the kids to take your prized, signed Yankees world series ball and throw it in the lake with your only response to be walking on egg shells while smiling and looking to see how she is judging you? Are you ready to be an ineffective partner as far as 'running' a home? Are you cool with going through this "she loves you, she doesn't want to talk to you" garbage every couple of weeks for a long time in the future? Are you ready to be expected to hide all of your stress yet be completely compassionate about every little thing she considers "stress"? You get a true gauge on people when they are under stress and how they handle it. If you enjoyed living through the way she handled it, ask yourself this; isn't everyone pretty much under some kid of stress at all times in their life? Are her stressing troubles going to magically disappear in the next month, 3 months, year, 10 years? I'll make it easy for you -Nope. What you have now is what you can expect, expecting anything less is insane. You posted here because it made you unhappy in life and now after a long conversation you must be saying the situation actually made you happy but you didn't realize until you talked it out. It will happen again. You will have the same feelings only intensified the next time around. I wish you luck man and I hope it works out but I doubt that was the most life changing 4 hour conversation in the history of the world and I hope you don't let the wrong body part override your heart.
leogirl876 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I can't date someone who has kids. I don't have any and I just don't understand their situation. I also get quite impatient, so it definitely doesn't work for me.
mammax3 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I read through this whole thread. There are elements of me in your ...gf/person: I have kids, am a solo parent, struggle with past hurts, feel anxious in relationships. However, I don't have a drinking problem/don't smoke, and I don't freak out or do weird punishments to my children. The man I'm currently seeing is *very* accepting and patient while I work through my past hurts - not as a white knight though, but as a steady rock. I think there's a difference. A major point is that I'm striving to work through them. Instead of going into space mode, or passive aggressive shz, I will override this and approach him with how I'm feeling. It's super difficult because I'm afraid from past relationships about what will happen. I don't want to be that woman, and I want to learn and grow myself. Biker23: if it's important to you - dealbreaker-ly important - that your partner is drug free, then honour that. If parenting her kids for safety is important to you - dealbreaker-ly important - then honour that. If you are seeking to help or be a white knight or be a whipping boy - there are LOTS of volunteer opportunities *everywhere* to explore. If you are seeking to be her steady rock, then figure out your boundaries (for interest: my dude says he can be present for me, but I have to do the heavy lifting) and stick to them. We all need to feel wanted and that we belong to a tribe - is this the tribe you want to identify with?
Author biker23 Posted July 27, 2016 Author Posted July 27, 2016 (edited) If you are seeking to help or be a white knight or be a whipping boy - there are LOTS of volunteer opportunities *everywhere* to explore. If you are seeking to be her steady rock, then figure out your boundaries (for interest: my dude says he can be present for me, but I have to do the heavy lifting) and stick to them. We all need to feel wanted and that we belong to a tribe - is this the tribe you want to identify with? Thanks for the great reply. I agree with you and what has occurred has opened my eyes and I will be firm in my boundaries. And I mean open my eyes where I havent always been thinking of me. I don't want/need to be a white knight. I want to be supportive BF. It's just a new experience to be in sorta limbo where we are friends but both feel it could be more. Just more communication and time. I'm going to talk with her more and try to plan some fun times together where we can relax and just enjoy. Not romantic necessarily but enjoy us as we have in the past. Also would help her with stress to be able to laugh and relax. We laughed when on the phone last week and she said she really needed it and hadn't laughed in awhile. Edited July 27, 2016 by biker23 Clarification
Author biker23 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 Ok. I got clarity and feel a bit played. We talked tonight and she agreed we should be friends and stay in contact and we can go out for fun sometimes but we need to be sure we don't make it complicated by hooking up. Okkkkk. Then she went on to talk about all these guys from the past blowing up her phone. Including an ex she's mentioned before that is a playboy pilot. Said he wants to get together in August when he is in town. She's like why would he do that if he knows there's no chance for a relationship. Duh. Sex. She even said he would just get hurt. :/ So I asked about us again. When did she start to question us. Well crap. She mentioned a wedding she went to first weekend in June. With an old friend. Platonic. Said she had an amazing time and it got her thinking is she missing out. Even said that guy is in Iraq now but returns in Dec and is coming to see her. I asked if he sweeped her off her feet a bit. She said yes but they didn't do anything and he was a gentlemen. (Knowing her now I think if he wasn't then she would have. Or maybe she even did). So that's when she started asking for space blaming it on stress. Shame on me to believe it. Said she wanted space to think about stuff. Our differences (we also have a 12 year age gap). Knows she didn't have an issue with that age gap (preferred it) but she did think about the future. After that we weren't the same. Always blamed it on stress and health. Still says the discipline issue was the main factor. Doesn't know what the future holds but we are friends. I'll chat with her but honestly for someone that almost begged me to say I love you then 10 days later goes to that wedding and maybe even cheated. At minimum emotionally she did. Hell I even helped her pick a dress to wear. It just all feels crooked. And I feel foolish. She even tried to play down the fact she wanted Me to meet her parents a week after we met 'because they were coming into town anyway' I've learned a great deal and will protect myself and my heart in the future. Those concerns early on were accurate.
ChatroomHero Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 biker, if she calls, texts, or tries to get together with you, you need only answer that you are busy or not interested. She's using you for fun before she sleeps with someone else. She has the perfect set up and if you have any contact with her you are plain crazy. If she contacts you as a friend she gets a lot out of it and you get nothing. Personally I would forget the remaining friends crap, go full on NC. You weren't a bit played, you were full on screwed over. If you see her in public or at the Dr. office in the future I would treat her like a stranger, completely indifferent. Discipline was not a factor, stress was not a factor, she straight up used you and had no real interest despite any of the indications she gave you to keep you around. "Doesn't know what the future holds but we are friends." -She knows what the future holds (as do you) and it is not you. You already know you are not really friends. No reason to chat with her, to her you are merely a fill-in or a wallet. Usually it is not so black-and-white, but if I were in your position I would be angry enough to forget she even existed. You would only be chatting with her thinking one day she might come around to you. It won't happen so please move on, you deserve a lot better. If you keep contact you know how it will always be so don't kid yourself. 1
Gaeta Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 Why in the world would you keep chatting with her!! Biker you need to go search for your balls and find where you lost them. Move on! Completely. You don't need to guard your heart. You simply need to use common sense. All indicated an unstable woman. Your part is to recognize that and drop asap. Look at you now, after all this STILL wanting to chat with her!!!! Is that what you would advise your son Stop volunteering being treated like a commodity.
Author biker23 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 Why in the world would you keep chatting with her!! Biker you need to go search for your balls and find where you lost them. Move on! Completely. You don't need to guard your heart. You simply need to use common sense. All indicated an unstable woman. Your part is to recognize that and drop asap. Look at you now, after all this STILL wanting to chat with her!!!! Is that what you would advise your son Stop volunteering being treated like a commodity. thanks, i love you too After last night I wont be contacting her again. and certainly not because of this message.
Author biker23 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 biker, if she calls, texts, or tries to get together with you, you need only answer that you are busy or not interested. She's using you for fun before she sleeps with someone else. She has the perfect set up and if you have any contact with her you are plain crazy. If she contacts you as a friend she gets a lot out of it and you get nothing. Personally I would forget the remaining friends crap, go full on NC. You weren't a bit played, you were full on screwed over. If you see her in public or at the Dr. office in the future I would treat her like a stranger, completely indifferent. Discipline was not a factor, stress was not a factor, she straight up used you and had no real interest despite any of the indications she gave you to keep you around. "Doesn't know what the future holds but we are friends." -She knows what the future holds (as do you) and it is not you. You already know you are not really friends. No reason to chat with her, to her you are merely a fill-in or a wallet. Usually it is not so black-and-white, but if I were in your position I would be angry enough to forget she even existed. You would only be chatting with her thinking one day she might come around to you. It won't happen so please move on, you deserve a lot better. If you keep contact you know how it will always be so don't kid yourself. I agree 100%.
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