Boundaries with GF kids - discipline issues

[biker23]

I am looking for advice on relationships where small kids (grade school) are involved. Boundaries on helping discipline and keep them in control when together. In my case I have experience parenting also.

 

My situation is such that we never really discussed it and I generally stayed out of it. She would get frustrated with the typical kids running around or talking endlessly etc..normal stuff.

 

Well, we got more serious and I was with the kids more and we were very comfortable together...but again we never had a discussion on boundaries.

 

We were out on her boat and I helped with her daughter with a different approach. I talked to the daughter and explained why she should be patient and wait for us to help her and that we had to deal with the boat first etc...vs. just yelling to be quiet (as an example). It worked well. And then I followed up by getting the daughter the drink she wanted when we had the time...her mom, my GF, asked her daughter to thank me. Again, we didnt want her jumping up to get her own drink because of the moving boat.

 

fast forward to docking the boat at night. we were all tired..its dark. docking the boat and her son (5) was jumping from the boat to the dock and just acting crazy. She was yelling at him but he was still doing it. It scared me as he could easily fall between the boat and dock and get hurt badly. Since GF/mom was driving, I placed the son in the boat and explained why he cant jump around and that he would get hurt. it seemed to work.

 

Well I noticed my GF was quiet on way back home. I asked her the next day if me disciplining her kids was a problem. She said no, as long as you dont yell at them. I didnt yell, and wouldnt do that, so I figured OK.

 

Then she started pulling away the next few days and got very different. Long story short she asked for space and in essence ended our relationship. I found out it was due to how I disciplined her son that night. She said she thought I did it through anger and not concern...and her kids are her life and she has to protect them. She can protect them and didnt need my help. Says she just cant get over it. she made some sad comments when I saw her the past few times (before I knew of the issue) (for example, I would say i really liked her dad, she would sigh and say, yeah he likes you too) which now I know is because she felt she had to end a relationship she didnt want to end because of this incident. (some assumption)

 

I tried last night to explain my concern over his safety and that I wasnt angry, it was concern. Unclear if it will change her mind but I felt better to at least get my side of the story out and explain myself. Everyone that knows me knows I am a very good father and person...and certainly not an anger risk or would EVER hurt her kids.

 

I didnt push the issue as I just stated my opinion and love for her kids. Her response was 'I completely understand where you are coming from. However, my kids are the only real thing I have and I do love them so much. Although they may frustrate me at times, they are my heart'. I just responded that I understood and get it and respect it.

 

2 questions:

 

- is this a lost cause if she still feels our love...? Hard to read I know

 

- experiences with setting boundaries when kids are involved. My key learning is to communicate up front and not just start to get more comfortable and assume some responsibility. Even doing something out of concern or love can be thought as negative given its either different or unclear my motive.

 

I am frustrated and sad because I didnt communicate it but also because it was all in good faith. It worked so well with her daughter...and appreciated. I was trying to help her frustration and keep her son safe. and it backfired.

[Lorenza]

Sounds like her ego is hurt because you were able to discipline her kids in a more effective way than she ever could. She probably feels discredited as a mother by your approach or feels like you don't think she's a good mother at all. Which is kinda sad, since she puts her authority in front of her child's safety (aka when she said that she can protect them by herself and don't need your help instead of being happy that you took charge in a very dangerous situation).

[DrSimple]

I am looking for advice on relationships where small kids (grade school) are involved. Boundaries on helping discipline and keep them in control when together. In my case I have experience parenting also.

 

My situation is such that we never really discussed it and I generally stayed out of it. She would get frustrated with the typical kids running around or talking endlessly etc..normal stuff.

 

Well, we got more serious and I was with the kids more and we were very comfortable together...but again we never had a discussion on boundaries.

 

We were out on her boat and I helped with her daughter with a different approach. I talked to the daughter and explained why she should be patient and wait for us to help her and that we had to deal with the boat first etc...vs. just yelling to be quiet (as an example). It worked well. And then I followed up by getting the daughter the drink she wanted when we had the time...her mom, my GF, asked her daughter to thank me. Again, we didnt want her jumping up to get her own drink because of the moving boat.

 

fast forward to docking the boat at night. we were all tired..its dark. docking the boat and her son (5) was jumping from the boat to the dock and just acting crazy. She was yelling at him but he was still doing it. It scared me as he could easily fall between the boat and dock and get hurt badly. Since GF/mom was driving, I placed the son in the boat and explained why he cant jump around and that he would get hurt. it seemed to work.

 

Well I noticed my GF was quiet on way back home. I asked her the next day if me disciplining her kids was a problem. She said no, as long as you dont yell at them. I didnt yell, and wouldnt do that, so I figured OK.

 

Then she started pulling away the next few days and got very different. Long story short she asked for space and in essence ended our relationship. I found out it was due to how I disciplined her son that night. She said she thought I did it through anger and not concern...and her kids are her life and she has to protect them. She can protect them and didnt need my help. Says she just cant get over it. she made some sad comments when I saw her the past few times (before I knew of the issue) (for example, I would say i really liked her dad, she would sigh and say, yeah he likes you too) which now I know is because she felt she had to end a relationship she didnt want to end because of this incident. (some assumption)

 

I tried last night to explain my concern over his safety and that I wasnt angry, it was concern. Unclear if it will change her mind but I felt better to at least get my side of the story out and explain myself. Everyone that knows me knows I am a very good father and person...and certainly not an anger risk or would EVER hurt her kids.

 

I didnt push the issue as I just stated my opinion and love for her kids. Her response was 'I completely understand where you are coming from. However, my kids are the only real thing I have and I do love them so much. Although they may frustrate me at times, they are my heart'. I just responded that I understood and get it and respect it.

 

2 questions:

 

- is this a lost cause if she still feels our love...? Hard to read I know

 

- experiences with setting boundaries when kids are involved. My key learning is to communicate up front and not just start to get more comfortable and assume some responsibility. Even doing something out of concern or love can be thought as negative given its either different or unclear my motive.

 

I am frustrated and sad because I didnt communicate it but also because it was all in good faith. It worked so well with her daughter...and appreciated. I was trying to help her frustration and keep her son safe. and it backfired.

 

A relationship is too complicated to break down into one interaction becoming the focal point for a breakup. It is more likely that there were many other doubts/thoughts she harbored and that this event is the "tipping point" that simply made the decision for her.

 

As for what she felt, from what you describe it may be a form of insecurity on her own part rather than your motives. She may have felt that your ability to handle her kids in someway diminished her own ability, and that threatened her on a deeper level. If she asked you not to yell at her kids but this is her usual mechanism (ie. yelling at her son to stop jumping between the boats), then perhaps she is doubting her own parenting rather than yours.

 

So if she felt threatened her recourse was to withdraw. She could have communicated with you, she could have attempted to learn from the experience, or dozen other things but didn't.

 

Options for you?

 

1. Walk away. This may be a sign that she isn't in a healthy enough place to be in a relationship right now with you, and this is a good thing for you both. Cut your losses and learn from the experience.

 

2. Confront her and be blunt. At this point if you want to attempt to salvage something I feel this is an option. If you can break through that "wall" she put up and she can open up about her insecurity then you might get something... But then again you might simply have a broken relationship.

 

3. Cool off and maintain distance, but don't freeze her out. Allow her to process things on her own and you MIGHT get the opportunity to come back into the picture.

[ChatroomHero]

Your GF is wrong and I think it is a lost cause. My ex-fiancée had kids and it was her constantly yelling yet saying, "my kids are my everything" bs.

She would get frustrated when the kids ran around, screamed and broke things. She would like it go for 45 minutes or so, yell at them, argue as they cried, send them to their room, and about 2 hours later same thing was happening again. My job was to sit there and pay for or fix anything they broke. If I were to say in a normal voice, "ok guys, let's settle down a bit", she would take immediate issue with that and scold me in front of them.

 

 

That is bad parenting. Growing up, if a stranger or another adult yelled at me, I tried to keep it from my parents because they would assign the responsibility to me and not blame the neighbor for yelling at their "little angel". Her kids were misbehaving on the boat, you are partly responsible for their safety so you had every right to put a stop to it.

 

 

Do you want to go her kids going wild, her screaming and you just quietly sitting there until they need something from you for another 15-16 years? Do you want to live with kids who know their mom has you neutered? I wouldn't.

 

 

Honestly, she is being a bad parent. Frankly her yelling at her kids and then chastising you makes her a hypocrite. If I were you, every conversation I had with her from here on out would start with, "Hey you're a bad parent..."

[biker23]

good comments on her own insecurity...didnt think of it that way. She is also a very proud person, to a fault...so this could be an issue.

 

Her main issue was thinking I did this out of anger...even mentioning that I gritted my teeth when speaking to her son. I tried to calm that...as there is no way.

 

While our relationship was not perfect, this week prior was one of our best weeks...which is why it was such a shock when she pulled away. (very disappointing she was silent on the reasoning)

 

Ok, so lets talk next steps. She asked for space 10 days ago...we literally didnt speak in that time. I didnt find out until a couple days ago on the discipline thing but I figured it had to do with that night given the behavior timeline. She had texted her friend whom she didnt know was talking to me that she had broken up with me due to this issue. But she had to be corner to say it...she avoided it...like she was still considering..took her multiple days to say it if that makes sense without more detail.

 

So I called out of the blue last night as I wanted my side of the story and my intent clear. she didnt answer but texted within 10 mins...which pleasantly surprised me..but wanted to communicate via text.

 

we had the exchange I described, which was enough for me as I knew I wasnt going to get any instant change, just wanted my side told so she had something else to ponder.

 

If I dont just throw the white flag, I need some opinions.

 

I will see her this Weds as I go to a Dr where she a nurse. Small office. Me reaching out last night will dramatically reduce that tension otherwise it would have been crazy uncomfortable...but we are adults right?

 

Do I never discuss this again and see if she reaches out?

 

Do I text her after this Dr visit (assuming I dont hear from her) to just start dialogue or do what was mentioned above and ask her bluntly if she has moved on or is she still considering us.

 

I will say, this isnt only her decision. If she said, ok lets keep going, I would need more discussions for myself. The fact she wasnt able to discuss this issue and some other issues I've had in the past I would want to discuss before diving in again.

[DramaInPajamas]

Kids do generally behave better with someone else.

 

They push all the buttons with Mom and dad. Because they can.

 

With a non family member, they are told to stop, they take more notice.

 

Maybe she hadnt factored that in.

[JoeSmith357-1]

It's an insecure woman who is a bad parent. Or overprotective, or some combination of that. Been there, done that.

 

There's no good answer to these things.

 

People parent in different ways. I've dated many single moms, and I have a kid myself, so they can't pull the "you don't know what it's like to be a single parent" card.

 

I've dated too many women with kids just out of control, or women who can't handle the rest of their lives because they are just overwhelmed. An example would be women who really don't take care of their house, do dishes, etc and blame it on parenting, time, etc. Or fail to hold their kids accountable for ANYTHING.

[ChatroomHero]

[quote=biker23;6983037

Her main issue was thinking I did this out of anger...even mentioning that I gritted my teeth when speaking to her son. I tried to calm that...as there is no way.

 

While our relationship was not perfect, this week prior was one of our best weeks...which is why it was such a shock when she pulled away. (very disappointing she was silent on the reasoning)

 

...She asked for space 10 days ago...we literally didnt speak in that time. I didnt find out until a couple days ago on the discipline thing...She had texted her friend whom she didnt know was talking to me that she had broken up with me due to this issue....

 

...but wanted to communicate via text.

 

 

 

I will see her this Weds as I go to a Dr where she a nurse...but we are adults right?

 

Do I never discuss this again and see if she reaches out?

 

Do I text her after this Dr visit.

 

She is immature. Let's say the kids were being bad on the boat and you screamed, "Hey you little f*ckers, knock it off or I'll throw you in the water myself", I would say she responded appropriately.

 

 

Even if you raised your voice or yelled, you have a right to be angry at times, just like she does when she yells at her kids. I would ask her why it is ok for her to get frustrated and yell at her kids but nobody else should even nicely correct them? Giving birth to a kid doesn't give some God-given right to be the only person allowed to be upset, correct, or even yell at a kid.

 

 

I don't think she has a very adult attitude, going NC for 10 days, communicating but only via text, and then not even giving you a reason but telling her friend instead. She sighed when you said you liked her dad. Did she just turn 14 or something? She is acting like a child herself.

 

 

She needs to grow up. If I were you I would cancel the Dr appt and find a new Dr. You know the reason, you know she is not adult enough to communicate with you, you know she is a lax parent, and you know she will never consider you an equal partner. Move on and be happy, your life would be miserable if you stayed with her. In your own house hold you would be #3 person in charge. She would be #1, the kids would be #2 and you would be powerless #3 unless you got a dog.

 

 

Listen, if it was going to work out 1. Her kids and 1a. You and the rest of her family. For the most part you wouldn't be able to tell if you were #1 or #1a. She would support rather than attack you for correcting the kids.

 

 

I would be willing to bet her kids have had friends over before and they were acting up and she yelled at them. I would bet there were kids in the neighborhood doing stupid things before and she has yelled at them...but you can't even gently correct her kids and not catch a childish fit?

 

 

Move on man.

[biker23]

There is another thread I started on here about the 10 days NC...its called Stressed GF wants space...gives insight into this girl.

 

So I get a ton of advice to move on....including from some of her acquaintances.

 

In general, I am told I am the best guy she has ever brought around but I can do so much better that I need to wake up. Saying I am settling. It doesnt feel like I am or I would not have gone out with her...so I see their points and see her issues but for some reason have a piece of my heart still there.

Giving my story to her last night helped so that everyone had the same story...regardless of their interpretation. But I still get waves of pain which I cannot explain. I am known to be a bit of a white knight, which i need to work on. I've been helping her through many issues the past couple months, but a good friend commented that I need to find someone that will also support me.

 

Im also stuck on the Dr thing...I'm getting treatment that involves a shot 2x.month and I trust this Dr. It would be a pain in the butt to switch when all I have to do is show up for a shot and leave...there are other nurses that can administer the shot.

[preraph]

I guess the mistake was her not talking about it. For what it's worth, I've been on a boat with someone else's kid before, and I'm the more experienced boat person, so I instructed him getting on and off the boat and he's a good kid and I never yelled or anything. i was just direct and stopped him from trying to come from the dock to the boat before we got there and he started bawling. It's a no-win situation with other people's kids.

 

If it's your boat, you're responsible for safety, no matter the consequences is how I see it. But on an ongoing basis, kids and discipline or the lack thereof often come in between husbands and wives and certainly mothers and men they're seeing. This is why it's really just their call what to do with the kids -- but your call when to bail because it's too frustrating.

[Lois_Griffin]

Although they may frustrate me at times, they are my heart'. I just responded that I understood and get it and respect it.

Do you throw up a little bit in your mouth every time she utters that overused platitude about her kids 'being her world?' Good lord, every single person with kids puts that ridiculous statement on their dating profiles.

 

This type of drama is exactly why I avoided men with kids like the Bubonic Plague when I was dating. The constant drama just ain't worth it.

 

It seems she sure doesn't mind you 'helping' on outings with the kids and offering her a hand with them whenever you're around. I'd also be willing to bet you've probably foot the bill more than once on many of these 'family' outings, but you're supposed to be some big dumb mute who isn't capable of speaking when it comes to lightly disciplining her kids - who she can't seem to control. You're just supposed to be her helper and babysitter but that's it.

 

I'd be so gone.

[todreaminblue]

as a single mum...you tend to get a little defensive over kids....what you did in my opinion is really positive parenting...and considering you say she didnt have to yell nor did you when you spoke to them...maybe she felt shown up..i dont believe the anger thing she said.....because the way you wrote what you did.....its obvious it wasnt anger......if you spoke in a calm clear voice......

 

 

maybe she felt shown up...as another poster said an ego thing....which is a shame..you sound like a good guy.....caring and justified in speaking to the kids....in exactly the right way......maybe that in itself is the problem.....

 

you can get used to disciplining as a single mum and when someone else comes into the picture ...most single mums become defensive and cautious as i said...not only of the kids...but of their position in the house.....

 

it could be that she truly saw an aggressive stance from you on disciplining her son ....maybe she has had bad experiences with others in this regard....or maybe she isnt really ready to share her kids and be involved with another "father " figure...how long have you been dating for exactly....

 

honestly if a guy i dated for a while....spoke to my kids like you did...i would be impressed....not cautious...because it is an example of positive enforced discipline..but then i am ready to share my life and kids...not to be overrun...but to accept a man and role model into my life.......it could really be the bottom line that she isnt quite ready to do so....whatever the case is...if she contacts you again.....i think it should be talked about seriously.....what she wants as far as the discipline thing goes...it is actually pretty important.......good luck...deb.......

Edited July 18, 2016 by todreaminblue

[biker23]

as a single mum...you tend to get a little defensive over kids....what you did in my opinion is really positive parenting...and considering you say she didnt have to yell nor did you when you spoke to them...maybe she felt shown up..i dont believe the anger thing she said.....because the way you wrote what you did.....its obvious it wasnt anger......if you spoke in a calm clear voice......

 

 

maybe she felt shown up...as another poster said an ego thing....which is a shame..you sound like a good guy.....caring and justified in speaking to the kids....in exactly the right way......maybe that in itself is the problem.....

 

you can get used to disciplining as a single mum and when someone else comes into the picture ...most single mums become defensive and cautious as i said...not only of the kids...but of their position in the house.....

 

it could be that she truly saw an aggressive stance from you on disciplining her son ....maybe she has had bad experiences with others in this regard....or maybe she isnt really ready to share her kids and be involved with another "father " figure...how long have you been dating for exactly....

 

honestly if a guy i dated for a while....spoke to my kids like you did...i would be impressed....not cautious...because it is an example of positive enforced discipline..but then i am ready to share my life and kids...not to be overrun...but to accept a man and role model into my life.......it could really be the bottom line that she isnt quite ready to do so....whatever the case is...if she contacts you again.....i think it should be talked about seriously.....what she wants as far as the discipline thing goes...it is actually pretty important.......good luck...deb.......

 

Thanks for this great post. We've been dating 3 months and I met her kids 6 days in which is very unusual for her and me. It was due to her parents coming to town for a rare visit. So she took advantage. As I said before I'm different than her normal date apparently. Wanted to show family. Her son even said he loved me twice on the phone in these 3 months.

 

Here is her text that tells her concerns: It did change. Only bc of the way you "disciplined" him. It seemed out of anger rather than a place of concern. I'm their mother and I can do that as well as their father but no one EVER should grit their teeth at my children. It's my job to protect them and I just can't get over that.

 

Says I gritted my teeth. Told another I yelled. I do have a powerful voice and it was quiet by the lake. So voice carries. But I wasn't yelling. I was frustrated and concerned. But come on. Guess what. Boy wasn't upset and he sat until we were ready to leave and held my hand climbing the hill to the car. She had had a fair amount of wine also. This is after a delightful 2 days in the boat. Lots of love and smiles and good times. Then BAM.

 

She has a history of insecurity and is very stubborn. I want to give another example. The night before as I drove us all home. It was late. Her daughter kept talking. My GF was on her case to be quiet. GF was over the top in my opinion. She had me pull into an abandoned gas station and she got her daughter out to pretend she was going to leave her there. That's atrocious. But I wasn't going to critize her parenting.

 

Id say this is 90% over and this has allowed me to step back and see our differences and realize maybe this is a good thing vs it happening at a much later date.

 

I'm just shocked at the quickness. Literally from a loving relationship to coldness in a day. Maybe that's what hurts.

Edited July 19, 2016 by biker23

[phineas]

Kids do generally behave better with someone else.

 

They push all the buttons with Mom and dad. Because they can.

 

With a non family member, they are told to stop, they take more notice.

 

Maybe she hadnt factored that in.

 

This.

When all our kids are together when i'm with my friends we rotate the "Hey, cut that out" speech when the pack turns feral because the majority take notice.

 

I don't know if her kids are bad kids or just being impatient/hyper kids.

I've dated women with the poorly disciplined children.

No more.

 

I try to make sure my kids are not like that and really don't have an issue with other disciplining them.

 

I'd walk away.

What makes it suck twice as bad is knowing "you can do better" and she can't but, you have a hard as hell time actually finding better when you are out there so you are reluctant to just bail.

 

Trying to convince her isn't going to work.

there are probably other things about you that she let slide as was already said.

Edited July 19, 2016 by phineas

[bubbaganoosh]

You have to remember. Your dating a woman with kids so they come with the package so it isn't easy.

 

If she's going to be pissed off because of this, imagine if something drastic happens.

 

You said she's a proud woman and sometimes we all have to swallow are pride once in a while and she should realize that there's a difference between screaming at a kid and talking to them. If she can't come to terms with someone trying to keep her child from getting hurt then be prepared for more of the same.

 

Let her cool her heels if she needs to but in the mean time take the time and ask if this is what you really want.

[xxoo]

Your OP comes across as condescending. Maybe it's that, more than how you interacted with the kids (which sounds fine).

[longjohn]

Mother of the year material there. Sounds like she's more bothered by the kids than interested in helping them. I'm sure 20, years from now she won't have any idea why they turned out the way they did.

[biker23]

 

Trying to convince her isn't going to work.

there are probably other things about you that she let slide as was already said.

 

I figured there was no convincing. I just felt better giving my side of the story. Not happy about her saying she moved on because I yelled or was angry at her kids. That reflects on me and unfair.

 

We are quite different and this could end up being a good thing. I'm into fitness and healthy. She doesn't like it and stays thin by not eating. But she smokes some and drinks heavily

Plus all the past baggage I was told by some people that know her was not flattering. Narcissistic.

 

Weird that I'm still sad tho. I think it's just the daily interaction and of course sex.

[Maggie888]

Um. Wow.

 

She threstened to abandon her daughter at a rest stop exit? That sounds like someone abusive or bipolar or borderline. As does the sudden shift to coldness sound like a borderline personality disorder. As does the constant yelling. You did nothing wrong. You have a right yo be angry and yell if a 5 yr old is endangerimg himself by jumpimg from a boat to a dock

.

This is a gift and you just saved yourself a lot of trouble snd heartache dude.

 

 

Just oit of curiosity how old is the daughter who she pretended to leave at an abandoned gastation? This woman is a nightmare. Repeat -- nightmare.

 

Cut contact with her. Tell her shes a horrible mother id you happen to speak to her. She needs to hear it

Edited July 19, 2016 by Maggie888

[Redhead14]

Parenting styles and skills is at the top of the "compatibility" list in terms of having a successful relationship. This is something to pay careful attention to. If you are thinking of developing the relationship with this woman to the point of marriage, it's time to discuss this between the two of you in great detail.

 

On top of all this, she does not have her "eye on the ball". You were on a boat with those children. I assume it was your boat? You are the captain and completely responsible for the safety of your passengers, and so, are well within your rights to ensure that those children are safe. So, you should simply put your foot down with HER.

 

And, I'd point out to her that she is criticizing you for acting with controlled anger that was certainly was more affective than her YELLING AND SCREAMING.

 

Yelling and screaming at children is an ineffective and irresponsible way to manage children, plain and simple. It does nothing except scare, confuse and take the emphasis off the "infraction". Children do not have the capacity to understand that they are being yelled at because their safety is at stake. All they know is that MOM is yelling and that's scary!!!! They learn nothing except that Mommy is a big baby too. She's emulating them by throwing tantrums herself, in essence.

 

This woman needs to attend parenting classes. Yes, it's difficult to be a single parent, but it's not difficult to behave like an adult . . .

 

If her "ego" was hurt, and is pushing you away, she's a petulant child herself and, therefore, a child is raising those children.

Edited July 19, 2016 by Redhead14

[Toodaloo]

I figured there was no convincing. I just felt better giving my side of the story. Not happy about her saying she moved on because I yelled or was angry at her kids. That reflects on me and unfair.

 

We are quite different and this could end up being a good thing. I'm into fitness and healthy. She doesn't like it and stays thin by not eating. But she smokes some and drinks heavily

Plus all the past baggage I was told by some people that know her was not flattering. Narcissistic.

 

Weird that I'm still sad tho. I think it's just the daily interaction and of course sex.

 

Keep it in your pants and stay away.

 

The woman was happy for a 5yr old child to jump between dock and boat continually while docking... Not safe. I don't care if you shouted, if you talked calmly. The point is you kept that kid safe and she got all upitty about it. People (including parents) are human and will loose their tempers sometimes.

 

Listen to the people who know her. Stay away.

 

Who gives a damn what she says. You know what happened. So get on with it.

[phineas]

If people would not look at me funny for doing so, I would be clapping for this post. So spot on in describing dating a single parent in so many ways. Pretty much every single mom I ever dated. Doesn't surprise me that the single dads are similar.

 

I do wonder if some of the single dads I meet did lose their balls in the divorce because of how dramatically emotional they get with their kids.

[phineas]

I figured there was no convincing. I just felt better giving my side of the story. Not happy about her saying she moved on because I yelled or was angry at her kids. That reflects on me and unfair.

 

We are quite different and this could end up being a good thing. I'm into fitness and healthy. She doesn't like it and stays thin by not eating. But she smokes some and drinks heavily

Plus all the past baggage I was told by some people that know her was not flattering. Narcissistic.

 

Weird that I'm still sad tho. I think it's just the daily interaction and of course sex.

 

 

I get it.

Attractive and regular sex.

At my age I have a hard enough time finding that combo with women.

When I do, they mostly turn out to be train wrecks. Drink too much, stay skinny because they just dont eat . they are not long term.

 

Also, let her talk. If you are a solid person people will look at her and say "yeah that don't sound like him".

Extricate yourself from the drama.

Edited July 19, 2016 by phineas

[salparadise]

Um. Wow.

She threstened to abandon her daughter at a rest stop exit? That sounds like someone abusive or bipolar or borderline. As does the sudden shift to coldness sound like a borderline personality disorder. As does the constant yelling.

 

She is also a very proud person, to a fault...so this could be an issue.

 

This is after a delightful 2 days in the boat. Lots of love and smiles and good times. Then BAM.

 

She has a history of insecurity and is very stubborn.

 

She had me pull into an abandoned gas station and she got her daughter out to pretend she was going to leave her there. That's atrocious. But I wasn't going to critize her parenting.

 

Plus all the past baggage I was told by some people that know her was not flattering. Narcissistic.

 

Weird that I'm still sad tho. I think it's just the daily interaction and of course sex.

 

I was thinking the same as Maggie while reading the first post. There are signs of cluster B all over this woman. We won't diagnose, but the behaviors are consistent with borderline. I am quite familiar with it.

 

I won't go into any long explanations (search these forums and google), but I will tell you that I think you've dodged a bullet here. Assuming you don't get back with her, of course. The drama that you've experienced thus far is the tip of the iceberg.

 

I do want to mention the comment about her being proud to a fault. I know that one. Breaking it down... cannot tolerate any criticism, won't accept help, won't consider other perspectives, views innocent comments or attempts to help as criticism, stubborn as hell, needs to be right... any of that sound familiar?

 

Cut to the chase... some people are inexplicably drawn to these personality types. A lot of it is the idealization and effusive mirroring that they do early on, before they show you the other side of it. Like you said, you're sad and miss the intensity of the interaction. You're probably one of those people. Most guys with healthy boundaries and expectations would be gone at the first sign of this, but here you are with a long list and are still thinking about getting back with her.

 

You really should be looking for the opposite personality features... secure, calm, soft-spoken, rational, consistent and reliable, etc. You need to educate yourself and retrain your people picker my friend.

 

I know it's hard right now, but believe me you're so much better off for having figured this stuff out sooner rather than later.

[salparadise]

Another thing... when dating a woman with kids, date the woman, not the woman AND kids. Don't interfere, don't offer parenting advice or try to discipline the kids. Hold that boundary firm. Granted it's a lot easier to do if their father is in the picture, but even if he's not, resist any temptation to assume that role. It's a no-win situation. If she's looking for a fill-in daddy... pass.

 

My girlfriend has two kids. I've met the kids and go over while they're home occasionally, but we don't do ANY family outings, and we never spend the night together when she has the kids. If she's having some kind of parenting issue, the closest I come to offering advice is to say what worked with my daughter. But I never, ever phrase it as advice or a recommendation. We've had zero issues that way.