QUESTION FOR THE MEN: Would you have any issues dating a woman with THIS background?

July 18, 2016

Hello fellas (any ladies who may want to chime in with input),

I'm writing to get some feedback for a dear colleague and friend of mine who is having a lot of self-doubt and fears regarding her dating life due to her background.

She hasn't been in a relationship since 2013 when her live-in bf moved back out of state and passive aggressively dumped her. He was a financial leech and left when she grew a backbone and called him out on contributing to the household. Other than that big issue, he was a good bf and she was comfortable with him having been friends before the got intimate.

Now she's finally wanting to start dating again. Her background is this:

She was the victim/SURVIVOR of a brutal rape and abduction 20 years ago. It was extremely vicious, involved 4 men and required that she undergo several reconstructive surgeries on her private parts to physically heal as well as years of therapy.

Her current manifestations are: 1) slight body shame 2) brief flashbacks during sex that only requires her to take a few seconds or a minute to regroup (nothing dramatic) and 3) off days where she comes off standoffish and just not her regular happy self and needs to be left alone (only lasts a few hours or a day or so, and only happens every few weeks etc)

Here are her concerns:

1) would a man "judge" her and be turned off by her past from a sexual standpoint?

2) how does she broach this topic while dating and moving towards intimacy without scaring the man?

3) wouldn't a great catch of a man rather be with a woman who can be sexually free and without these issues?

She hasn't dated much in the twenty years (happened when she was 18). I've told her my opinion but I'm a woman, so I told her I'll get her feedback from men. She's a very strong woman and so please don't sugarcoat anything. She wants the truth whatever it may be. As well as any advice.

Thanks.

Edited July 18, 2016 by mg101

July 18, 2016

1. some men will/would probably judge her. But that's there issue or thought and nothing that she can control, if they do then they are not a good fit for her obviously. Personally i would not. But that is just me.

2. Tricky question i guess. Personally i'm not exactly sure how to reply to that one. Trying to put myself in her shoes a bit here...I would say that it would not be something i would bring up immediately, i would bring it up after dating someone for a bit of time, if it is possible before being intimate. I am going to assume that as far as intimacy is concerned she is probably more cautious then some women so i am guessing that would work out ok with the right man. And again. The right match wont be scared away. But some guys will be, and that just means they arent a good fit for her.

3. Ummm...again it depends. We are all individuals, some men are adventurous in the bedroom, some men are not, just like women.

I think that most men want to have a mutually pleasurable sexual relationship with their partner. If these issues make it difficult for her to enjoy the moment with a man then yes it could cause some issues.

Considering what has happened to her it sounds like she has done a pretty good job of doing the work to help herself move on from what she went through. Having said that, i would assume that something like that will leave a mark on your soul forever.

Personally, if i liked her then it would not scare me away, and i would work towards helping her in the bedroom so to speak. I seriously doubt that i am the only guy that would feel that way. But there are plenty of guys that would not.

It sounds like she wants to date, and wants to be intimate again. If those things are true, and she is not forcing it, then long term it will work out.

July 18, 2016

1. some men will/would probably judge her. But that's there issue or thought and nothing that she can control, if they do then they are not a good fit for her obviously. Personally i would not. But that is just me.

2. Tricky question i guess. Personally i'm not exactly sure how to reply to that one. Trying to put myself in her shoes a bit here...I would say that it would not be something i would bring up immediately, i would bring it up after dating someone for a bit of time, if it is possible before being intimate. I am going to assume that as far as intimacy is concerned she is probably more cautious then some women so i am guessing that would work out ok with the right man. And again. The right match wont be scared away. But some guys will be, and that just means they arent a good fit for her.

3. Ummm...again it depends. We are all individuals, some men are adventurous in the bedroom, some men are not, just like women.

I think that most men want to have a mutually pleasurable sexual relationship with their partner. If these issues make it difficult for her to enjoy the moment with a man then yes it could cause some issues.
Considering what has happened to her it sounds like she has done a pretty good job of doing the work to help herself move on from what she went through. Having said that, i would assume that something like that will leave a mark on your soul forever.
Personally, if i liked her then it would not scare me away, and i would work towards helping her in the bedroom so to speak. I seriously doubt that i am the only guy that would feel that way. But there are plenty of guys that would not.
It sounds like she wants to date, and wants to be intimate again. If those things are true, and she is not forcing it, then long term it will work out.

Thank you much for your input and candor..

July 18, 2016

personally? I would steer clear.

July 18, 2016

I'm bisexual so I can answer from an evaluation standpoint. Yes I'd date her. (Her background just means she's a person, and yes I date ppl. )

1) would a man "judge" her and be turned off by her past from a sexual standpoint?

Some would, some wouldn't. There's really no broad brush conclusions here and no guarantees anyway - for anyone.

2) how does she broach this topic while dating and moving towards intimacy without scaring the man?

I'd want her to tell me upfront. That's not so I can bolt early but just bc I don't think it's entirely fair to slowly spring significant personal history on ppl after they've started bonding w you. Also I'd just want to know bc it's part of who she is and I want to know who she is.

3) wouldn't a great catch of a man rather be with a woman who can be sexually free and without these issues?

A great catch of a man won't be so transparent as to dismiss someone with (gasp!) history, bc everyone comes w history. So if a guy rules someone out simply on that fact w/out considering all the contextual variations of everything else that makes her who she is, he's probably not "great."

July 18, 2016

personally? I would steer clear.

Can you please elaborate as to why? Thanks.

July 18, 2016

If I was with a man who had been sexually assaulted: I would feel terrible if he had flashbacks of being raped while in bed with me and needed a minute to regroup.

I just couldnt handle that.

July 18, 2016

I'm bisexual so I can answer from an evaluation standpoint. Yes I'd date her. (Her background just means she's a person, and yes I date ppl. )

Some would, some wouldn't. There's really no broad brush conclusions here and no guarantees anyway - for anyone.

I'd want her to tell me upfront. That's not so I can bolt early but just bc I don't think it's entirely fair to slowly spring significant personal history on ppl after they've started bonding w you. Also I'd just want to know bc it's part of who she is and I want to know who she is.

A great catch of a man won't be so transparent as to dismiss someone with (gasp!) history, bc everyone comes w history. So if a guy rules someone out simply on that fact w/out considering all the contextual variations of everything else that makes her who she is, he's probably not "great."

Thanks for replying.

I guess I was wrong because I didn't understand what she meant when she kept saying they'd "judge" her in a sexual context. By that she meant, not just on how it may have her affected her, but also from the stand point of the sexual act itself. I mean, how can you judge someone for something that was involuntary and against her will. I can even moreso see judging a woman with a promiscuous past, but how does one judge what happened to her in that same vain.

To your point about revealing it early one, don't you think it's a bit much to share something that intimate up front? I mean if she starts seriously online dating, that could mean reliving and sharing that half a dozen times or more in a few months. Idk..

July 18, 2016

If I was with a man who had been sexually assaulted: I would feel terrible if he had flashbacks of being raped while in bed with me and needed a minute to regroup.

I just couldnt handle that.

Would you be more or less open to even exploring dealing with that if he revealed his background to you early in the dating process or once you've really had a chance to get close and know each other.?

July 18, 2016

Would you be more or less open to even exploring dealing with that if he revealed his background to you early in the dating process or once you've really had a chance to get close and know each other.?

I dont know. Havent they had therapy for it.

I dont want a relationship to be work and have to go to therapy just to have a normal sex life.

it is supposed to be fun.

July 18, 2016

personally? I would steer clear.

DITTO!

Being blunt you would have to ask yourself why someone healthy and happy with their life would dedicate the time to deal with someone who has this type of mental emotional baggage.

Dating is not supposed to be a constant psychological counseling session.

Why would you specifically seek this out?

Now if you were in a bar, met a person, developed a friendship and got to know, found this out and developed an understanding and over time developed feelings because you earned the trust, not a problem.

But the question was “Would You Date a Woman With THIS Background?”

We all judge for various reasons, race, religion, income, looks, weight, education even stuff like height. So someone is going to tell me, they would know this going in and say yes, I’m gonna sign up for that make little sense to me.

Being more blunt, someone who says “sure I’ll sign up for that” must have few dating options themselves. Nobody educated, happy, healthy who has a rich, full life with few issues going on with healthy friendships and family dynamics would sign on for this nor would I encourage a friend or family member sign on for this.

July 18, 2016

I guess I was wrong because I didn't understand what she meant when she kept saying they'd "judge" her in a sexual context. By that she meant, not just on how it may have her affected her, but also from the stand point of the sexual act itself. I mean, how can you judge someone for something that was involuntary and against her will. I can even moreso see judging a woman with a promiscuous past, but how does one judge what happened to her in that same vain.

I'm sure she's just thinking of the 'damaged goods' thing. Some ppl will get you on that, some won't. No guarantees in life and it's not exactly 'fair' to begin with anyway so ....

To your point about revealing it early one, don't you think it's a bit much to share something that intimate up front? I mean if she starts seriously online dating, that could mean reliving and sharing that half a dozen times or more in a few months. Idk..

I guess in the OLD world dating is more like a business brief in the beginning so yeah, she'd have to adjust for her audience. IRL tho where I had a date w someone that was bc I wanted to date them and not just to screen them as potentials, I'd want to know pretty quick. That'd be what the date's for really.

(And I don't mean "Ok tell me about yourself ...." "Well I was raped when I was 18," I mean after a couple hours when we're to the point of talking about hopes and dreams and aspirations and how life has treated you and shaped your mindset, that might be the time to share key information about who you are.)

July 18, 2016

DITTO!

Being blunt you would have to ask yourself why someone healthy and happy with their life would dedicate the time to deal with someone who has this type of mental emotional baggage.

Dating is not supposed to be a constant psychological counseling session.

Why would you specifically seek this out?

Now if you were in a bar, met a person, developed a friendship and got to know, found this out and developed an understanding and over time developed feelings because you earned the trust, not a problem.

But the question was “Would You Date a Woman With THIS Background?”

We all judge for various reasons, race, religion, income, looks, weight, education even stuff like height. So someone is going to tell me, they would know this going in and say yes, I’m gonna sign up for that make little sense to me.

Being more blunt, someone who says “sure I’ll sign up for that must have few dating options themselves. Nobody educated, happy, healthy who has a rich, full life with few issues going on with healthy friendships and family dynamics would sign on for this nor would I encourage a friend or family member sign on for this.

That's percisely my point - I have advised her to wait to reveal that background until you've built a real trust with the person. For her, that would likely be pre-sex. My question is in that context.

I guess I should correct my title - by date, I meant be in a relationship with a person if you found this out after-the-fact. Not day one or before even dating them.

July 18, 2016

Would not date someone with that much baggage, sorry. It's awful that it happened, and I would feel sorry for her, but it's more than I would want to deal with.

July 18, 2016

I guess I should correct my title - by date, I meant be in a relationship with a person if you found this out after-the-fact. Not day one or before even dating them.

Well if a relationship developed I would not think anyone would then “dump” someone upon finding this out.

The thing is what are the statistics 1 in 5 women in this country (US) have been sexually assaulted at one time or another, usually by someone they know.

About a third of the women I have ever met online if I spoke to for an extended period of time had admitted to being sexually assaulted at some point early in their life. Staggering.

Yes trust clearly MUST BE established for this to be revealed. You have to ensure who you are revealing to will be understanding AND have the emotional and mental maturity to deal with it.

July 18, 2016

Well if a relationship developed I would not think anyone would then “dump” someone upon finding this out.

The thing is what are the statistics 1 in 5 women in this country (US) have been sexually assaulted at one time or another, usually by someone they know.

About a third of the women I have ever met online if I spoke to for an extended period of time had admitted to being sexually assaulted at some point early in their life. Staggering.

Yes trust clearly MUST BE established for this to be revealed. You have to ensure who you are revealing to will be understanding AND have the emotional and mental maturity to deal with it.

Great stuff.

She feels she would want to reveal before sex. I told her, for the type of meaningful and serious relationship she's looking for, sex should come after a level of intimacy and trust anyway so that person (if they are the type you described) may be more receptive than she thinks.

July 18, 2016

That was hard to read. Makes me so angry that things like that happen. But to answer your questions:

1) would a man "judge" her and be turned off by her past from a sexual standpoint?

I wouldn't be. Certainly wouldn't judge her!

2) how does she broach this topic while dating and moving towards intimacy without scaring the man?

This is tough. I think it is a Goldielock's type thing. Can't be too early. Can't be too late.

3) wouldn't a great catch of a man rather be with a woman who can be sexually free and without these issues?

I consider myself to be a great catch. *self high five* Sure, all things equal i'd prefer to be with a woman without these issues. But here's the thing, I fall in love with the woman. Who she is. So ya, if I fell in love with her, for who she is, then this wouldn't matter and i'd choose her over another woman without these issues. Does that make sense?

So ya, to answer your overarching question - i'd date a woman with that background if I fell for the rest of her.

July 18, 2016

1. at 38? I would hope the men by that age are mature enough as Larryville said to know many women have been assaulted. So no, not a problem.

2. A praise sandwich after several good dates where chemistry has already been established: "I really like you and you are funny, handsome, and kind. I need to share something though. I had a bad experience when I was younger that makes it difficult to engage fully in an intimate relationship. I want to move forward with you, but need you to know I need to go slow and may need to explain some things to make it work."

3. This is the worst. Great catches aren't all free and clear horn-dogs. A great-catch is someone who falls in love with her as Mrin said. That's it.

Now, the insecurities or codependency which allowed her to be swindled by her previous live-in BF may be more important issues for her to address before dating especially because she is likely looking at longer-term partners since physical intimacy will be a bit of a dance for awhile.

July 18, 2016

I wouldn't judge her... it's not her fault. But for me it would be really hard, I'm a sensitive guy and it would be hard not to feel sorry for her all the time for me.

And yes a lot of women have faced some sort of sexual assault, and not to say that any sex assault isn't traumatic, but there is a huge difference between having been flashed, or even unwanted groping, compared to the horror that this woman has gone through. Sure it's been 20 years, but clearly she still has PTSD from it...

July 18, 2016

If she doesn't have any hangups or inhibitions with sex, than yes I would date her.

July 18, 2016

Judge, no. Steer clear, yes.

I'm a great catch and look pretty vanilla on the outside. However, I tend to be pretty deviant when it comes to sex.

Adventurous sex to me is a cornerstone of my relationships. I will not be happy unless we are both enjoying the "rape game", she is willing to take oversized toys, be submissive, willing to endure lite bondage, take simulated double penetration (me and toy) and no holes barred if you catch my drift.

Most guys aren't like me though. For me personally I couldn't do it as my sexual desires would traumatize her. I'm sure there are some regular joes who would be ok though and I feel it should be discussed prior to sex.

July 18, 2016

1) would a man "judge" her and be turned off by her past from a sexual standpoint?
2) how does she broach this topic while dating and moving towards intimacy without scaring the man?
3) wouldn't a great catch of a man rather be with a woman who can be sexually free and without these issues?

1. Some would, but consider it a filter for idiots.

2. After attraction, but before first time sex.

3. Eh, nobodies perfect.

Edit:

2. A praise sandwich after several good dates where chemistry has already been established

We've been getting told about the 'praise sandwich' at work recently.

I guess it's a real thing.

Edited July 18, 2016 by Jabron1

July 18, 2016

1) Would a man "judge" her and be turned off by her past from a sexual standpoint?

Personally, no, but there are men who certainly would.

2) How does she broach this topic while dating and moving towards intimacy without scaring the man?

I don't know. But this is definitely a timing thing. Like someone said, not too soon and not too late. The type of reaction is so personalized. Meaning, that each individual will respond in his/her own way. If it were me, I'd want to know early on. I seriously feel that a genuine assessment of someone's feelings can be made if this is brought out before there is an emotional attachmentabsent this information. Tough question.

3) Wouldn't a great catch of a man rather be with a woman who can be sexually free and without these issues?

OF COURSE! So much depends on how the person has lived through the experience. What types of relationships result from such awful trauma. Is she a co-dependent type?

OP, what is your assessment of your friend and her relationships from the past? If your brother or bbf wanted to date her, would you give him your blessing? Encourage it?

July 18, 2016

1) Would a man "judge" her and be turned off by her past from a sexual standpoint?

Personally, no, but there are men who certainly would.

2) How does she broach this topic while dating and moving towards intimacy without scaring the man?

I don't know. But this is definitely a timing thing. Like someone said, not too soon and not too late. The type of reaction is so personalized. Meaning, that each individual will respond in his/her own way. If it were me, I'd want to know early on. I seriously feel that a genuine assessment of someone's feelings can be made if this is brought out before there is an emotional attachmentabsent this information. Tough question.

3) Wouldn't a great catch of a man rather be with a woman who can be sexually free and without these issues?

OF COURSE! So much depends on how the person has lived through the experience. What types of relationships result from such awful trauma. Is she a co-dependent type?

OP, what is your assessment of your friend and her relationships from the past? If your brother or bbf wanted to date her, would you give him your blessing? Encourage it?

She has only been in two serious relationships and both were financial users. The first one was worse, and was emotionally abusive imo. She's also had friends take advantage of her.

She is a very kind and sweet person, and she's also a very opinionated and fearless person in her career. She does have bouts of depression that she says have only kicked in the past couple of years due to some career related setbacks. Other than that, I think her biggest fault is being TOO CARING and involved in trying to help people. She really does take on other people's problems even when it's almost inappropriate - e.g., helping friends, relatives with job applications and work searches above and beyond what you and I may do in the same circumstances. I've told her to stop being that way - that not everyone deserves all this effort on her part. Those are her faults imo.

July 18, 2016

Judge, no. Steer clear, yes.

I'm a great catch and look pretty vanilla on the outside. However, I tend to be pretty deviant when it comes to sex.

Adventurous sex to me is a cornerstone of my relationships. I will not be happy unless we are both enjoying the "rape game", she is willing to take oversized toys, be submissive, willing to endure lite bondage, take simulated double penetration (me and toy) and no holes barred if you catch my drift.

Most guys aren't like me though. For me personally I couldn't do it as my sexual desires would traumatize her. I'm sure there are some regular joes who would be ok though and I feel it should be discussed prior to sex.

Jesus. I was never sexually assaulted or molested and I'M traumatized by this post.

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