Lansing Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Hello all, I have been thinking about this a lot lately. The last girl that I dated for any significant amount of time was about 2 years ago now and I feel like I felt myself trying to figure out if I could see myself with her "long term" before giving her too much attention, sharing more of my feelings for her, etc. A general question, when dating, how do you balance getting to know someone vs. giving someone false hopes that you feel a certain way about them but you don't really necessarily know them well? I don't want to lead a girl on that I am into her more than I am but at the same time I think that my lack of attention made her feel like I wasn't into her enough. I see so many stories here where a guy or girl made it seem like everything was great to their partner and then just ghosted or broke up with the person out of no where. I don't want to give someone false hopes/views of my feelings for them before I know them more but at the same time it seems like that is causing issues too. Can anyone relate?
Larryville Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Being cautious in initial stages of dating before knowing someone well? The last girl that I dated for any significant amount of time was about 2 years ago now and I feel like I felt myself trying to figure out if I could see myself with her "long term" before giving her too much attention, sharing more of my feelings for her, etc. when dating, how do you balance getting to know someone vs. giving someone false hopes that you feel a certain way about them but you don't really necessarily know them well? I don't want to lead a girl on that I am into her more than I am but at the same time I think that my lack of attention made her feel like I wasn't into her enough. I see so many stories here where a guy or girl made it seem like everything was great to their partner and then just ghosted or broke up with the person out of no where. I don't want to give someone false hopes/views of my feelings for them before I know them more but at the same time it seems like that is causing issues too. Can anyone relate? I think this is a human skill set that is developed over time just like anything else. Everyone out there depending on your market value has an abundance of “choices.” While a number of women might make some nice comments to me in terms of my looks or may say I’m “interesting” or “nice to talk to” or something generic I inherently know the women who like me more than others and I almost immediately know who are those I want to pursue in some manner and let my actions dictate without giving false hope or wasting their time. Depending on our current status and our recent history some will “bench” (Google) those they may be mildly interested in just to keep them on the hook. Those who have more options are not likely to engage in this behavior. Me, there are currently two women of interest to me. One I have been speaking to for a couple of weeks but we have not met yet because she is on a week-long vacation. However we have spoken extensively two very long phone conversations prior to her leaving and in the few days on her vacation has been texting me often. If she looks remotely like her pics we will be cool. Another woman, phone conversations are/were pretty brief, OLD profile pretty generic, she sent me pics right away (I did not ask she sent on her own) we met yesterday at a flea market so we walked around and talked had a great time. However sent obligatory text thanking her for the meet, I tried to contact last eve to follow up and she was busy. Two completely mindsets and actions, not sure if #2 is actually interested, made nice comments in post meet texts and said I was “handsome” but my approach with both is wait and see. When #1 gets back and if our communication behavior changes in the least after we actually meet that will indicate our mutual interest. Lady #1 has already asked all sorts of pertinent questions and has engaged interest. Lady #2 has asked few personal questions and her interest is seemingly generic. But my approach is that I generally “mirror” the interest. There was a recent thread that talked about this and how you approach a new situation. Mirroring the attention forces you to maintain some balance, assuming your interest is mutual.
Bialy Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 What you feel is totally valid: when you're first getting to know someone, it can be fun and it's all about actively seeing how you two mesh together. But, as you say, some people might interpret the initial phase of dating/"getting to know you" as more than just that. If you're really into someone, but still need time to figure out if you want to be with her for the long term, just keep expectations in check. Something like, "I love spending time with you and learning more about you." It's never easy rejecting anyone. If after getting to know someone, you realize you are not as compatible as you thought, sometimes being specific helps and then part ways. For instance, if you're really into outdoor activities and you find that the female isn't really into that at all. Or, if she likes hanging out at bars and clubbing and that is not for you - "I don't know if this is going to work out in the long term because..." It can be very easy to disengage in those situations. Does that makes sense? Not sure if my examples make my point for me.
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