bacabaca Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 So, I've been with my girlfriend for a couple years now and like any relationship we have our problems. One of the issues I have is that my girlfriend doesn't seem to put in much of an effort and I now live in another country so its difficult. When we were living in the same country and briefly together she never really made any effort with anything. I've met her group of friends and hung out with them but she has never met any of mine, every time i asked her if she wanted to meet them she'd always just say no. I'm not trying to sound mean here, but 90% of the time she'd dress like a slob, always in her pjs. I think I've seen her wear make-up once, maybe twice. Never wanted to leave her room, we just spent most of the time we were together in bed watching Netflixs. As annoying as any of it was (especially the never wanting to meet my friends) I could put up with it in a relationship, but I did realize that I did not want to live my life confined to a bedroom so I decided to move and follow the career path I wanted. Now I am in another country and on a couple of occasions she has straight up asked me to not do what I want or put it off for another year or two and come back to live with her. Now, all of the stuff above was irritating but I could deal with it until I moved, and thats because sends me messages and pictures of her going out and doing stuff (which is great), meeting up with friends, getting all dressed up and actually leaving her room, it just irritates me that she couldn't put in any effort to do stuff with me but as soon as someone else asks she goes running. We've spoke about it and she said that me moving gave her the kick up the ass she needed but it still annoys me that I practically had to beg her just to leave the house for a few hours. Anyone been in a similar situation or got any advice for me? I get that it sounds like I might be a bit of a dick, I'm just struggling to get to grips with it I guess
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want to go out and do things together as a couple, and not just lounge around in bed all the time. That would bore the heck out of me, too. The fact that she hasn't met any of your friends is a big red flag. Did she ever explain why she didn't want to? How long have you been apart now, and how far apart are you? I suppose you need to consider what the end game is here. Do you want to move back? Or are you happy where you are now? Have you seen each other in person since you moved?
central Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 She has shown you who she is, her true nature. It will not get better than this. So, is this a positive, healthy, and happy relationship for you, with a future that holds the same prospect, or not? Answer that, and you'll know what to do.
Author bacabaca Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want to go out and do things together as a couple, and not just lounge around in bed all the time. That would bore the heck out of me, too. The fact that she hasn't met any of your friends is a big red flag. Did she ever explain why she didn't want to? How long have you been apart now, and how far apart are you? I suppose you need to consider what the end game is here. Do you want to move back? Or are you happy where you are now? Have you seen each other in person since you moved? Thank you for your reply! I moved at the beginning of the year and we are on different continents now. We have seen each other a twice, she first came out with me and then for her birthday and we will see each other in about a months time. I don't want to move back, partly because I didn't like it there and partly because I think it would just be the same thing again. Yes, we have spoke about her not meeting my friends, they did live in another city so it would be a weekend trip, but they did suggest coming down to me to meet her. She just said that she didn't think I actually wanted her to go with me and meet them.
PegNosePete Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 like any relationship we have our problems It is my experience that whenever anyone says this, their relationship has way more, and more serious, problems than most others. What other problems are you having? 1
SevenCity Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 It is my experience that whenever anyone says this, their relationship has way more, and more serious, problems than most others. What other problems are you having? I would love to hear of a RL with no problems.
gimlynick Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I would love to hear of a RL with no problems. It exists. If you don't have the important responsablity of living together and you see eachother only 2-3 times a week it's not that hard to only have bright sides on your relation. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Thank you for your reply! I moved at the beginning of the year and we are on different continents now. We have seen each other a twice, she first came out with me and then for her birthday and we will see each other in about a months time. I don't want to move back, partly because I didn't like it there and partly because I think it would just be the same thing again. Yes, we have spoke about her not meeting my friends, they did live in another city so it would be a weekend trip, but they did suggest coming down to me to meet her. She just said that she didn't think I actually wanted her to go with me and meet them. Has she expressed a desire to move to be with you? I ask because if you don't want to move back, and she doesn't want to move where you are, what future does this relationship have anyway? 1
Author bacabaca Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 Has she expressed a desire to move to be with you? I ask because if you don't want to move back, and she doesn't want to move where you are, what future does this relationship have anyway? Yes, she does want to move here eventually, but can't until at least next year. Other than the usual problems long distances causes this is our only problem. We have had other issues, again, like any couple, but that is in the past and we've moved on from them.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Yes, she does want to move here eventually, but can't until at least next year. Other than the usual problems long distances causes this is our only problem. We have had other issues, again, like any couple, but that is in the past and we've moved on from them. For the moment, I think all you can do is keep an eye on what happens when you visit each other. See if she makes more of an effort when you're together in person. She says she's got the "wake-up call" that she needed, but there's really no way to verify that until you spend time together. Also, if she has indeed changed, there's no sense lamenting about the past. But again, I emphasize that you can't really confirm that until you are together in the same place. Are you happy with the way things are going, considering the distance involved? In other words, are you satisfied with the level and frequency of contact and so on?
Author bacabaca Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 For the moment, I think all you can do is keep an eye on what happens when you visit each other. See if she makes more of an effort when you're together in person. She says she's got the "wake-up call" that she needed, but there's really no way to verify that until you spend time together. Also, if she has indeed changed, there's no sense lamenting about the past. But again, I emphasize that you can't really confirm that until you are together in the same place. Are you happy with the way things are going, considering the distance involved? In other words, are you satisfied with the level and frequency of contact and so on? Yeah, that's the hard part, because I just don't know if she has or hasn't and 1 week together isn't really enough to determine that either. It's difficult to say because of the distance, obviously it's not ideal and makes things harder. 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Sounds like a typical 20-something couple
Author bacabaca Posted July 19, 2016 Author Posted July 19, 2016 Sounds like a typical 20-something couple Thanks for that, really helpful.
Popsicle Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 It exists. If you don't have the important responsablity of living together and you see eachother only 2-3 times a week it's not that hard to only have bright sides on your relation. Lol yeah exactly. That's what I'm trying to do in my R.
Popsicle Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Yeah, that's the hard part, because I just don't know if she has or hasn't and 1 week together isn't really enough to determine that either. It's difficult to say because of the distance, obviously it's not ideal and makes things harder. Why can't she move to where you are?
PegNosePete Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 I would love to hear of a RL with no problems. That's not the point. My point is that on these forums, people often use the phrase "we had our problems like every relationship" or similar. Whilst it is true that every relationship has problems, it is my experience that those people who use this phrase, usually have a lot more problems than the average relationship. Which is why, when this phrase is used, it makes sense to ask what other problems they are talking about...
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