juststarry6443 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I've been in a relationship for 7 months. He's wonderful. We're 2 students & growing up in our own ways. He's got an internship in one of the biggest firms in his career & almost done with school. & I've just moved out of my parents house, working, &finishing school as well. Our lives have gotten a bit busy to say the least. We see each other once a week. &the words exchanged during the week is minimal. But tht doesn't bother him half as much as it does to me because he feels his actions expressed should be okay. Me wishing he'd text me good morning, asking how my day was, or texting me get home safe when he knows I've been out is insignificant to him. It is to me though...I'm always expressing my love physically & verbally. No matter how exhausted or preoccupied I wanna leave him a good morning text, take the time to read how his day was, or wait til he let's me know he got home because we do get to talk so little. He just tells me I need to accept the little things he does tht I don't like & appreciate the things he does do. So am I being too needy & unappreciative? Is it so bad for me to want him to put more effort into the things he say?
madjac74 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 The problem with women sometimes is that if the guy pulls back from his career to meet his woman's needs then he isn't meeting her other needs....financial security. Men are often damned if they do, damned if they dont.
basil67 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 >> Is it so bad for me to want him to put more effort into the things he say?<< Yes, it's bad for you to want him to change his attitude to match yours - he is who he is and operates in a way which works for him. When in relationships, we need to ask ourselves some tough questions. In this case, is this situation going to improve? In this case, it won't improve short term because he's made it clear that he's happy with how things are. So the next question is, can you accept it as it is? Unless you can see this period coming to an end very soon, I'd be suggesting that this man isn't the one who can give you the type of relationship you're looking for. And FWIW, one meeting per week wouldn't be nearly enough for me. And unlike the suggestion of the previous poster, men can be both financially secure and there for us. 4
Author juststarry6443 Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 I'm currently the one paying for everything. I'm working and going to school as he is. Him meeting my financial security hasn't crossed my mind once.
Author juststarry6443 Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 I just think a man who loves me would take consideration of wht I'm telling him matters to me. &would put in the effort to try & become as invested in it as I am. I definitely don't want to try to change him either.
madjac74 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 And unlike the suggestion of the previous poster, men can be both financially secure and there for us. yes i said sometimes
phineas Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I just think a man who loves me would take consideration of wht I'm telling him matters to me. &would put in the effort to try & become as invested in it as I am. I definitely don't want to try to change him either. I don't know you, but every woman i've known who made this same complaint turned around and said the guy was to clingy and lost attraction to him when he did EXACTLY what she wanted him to do. I've known guys also in this situation who did what their GF's wanted and ended up getting dumped. The guys who just did their thing and didn't change? The women kept complaining but didn't dump them. Strange huh?
Els Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 What little things does he do for you that he wishes you would appreciate more? I dunno, I'm kinda on the fence here. On the one hand, I've heard that some internships in the US are BRUTAL. Like, 80 hours a week brutal. I don't know if that applies to him but if it does it's somewhat understandable that he would be exhausted all the time. On the other hand, when my SO was working ~70 hrs/week we still did spend time together more often than once a week. So it's definitely doable for a man to have a career and still spend time with you. I guess ultimately, my answer depends on your answer to the question I asked.
phineas Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 What little things does he do for you that he wishes you would appreciate more? I dunno, I'm kinda on the fence here. On the one hand, I've heard that some internships in the US are BRUTAL. Like, 80 hours a week brutal. I don't know if that applies to him but if it does it's somewhat understandable that he would be exhausted all the time. On the other hand, when my SO was working ~70 hrs/week we still did spend time together more often than once a week. So it's definitely doable for a man to have a career and still spend time with you. I guess ultimately, my answer depends on your answer to the question I asked. I don't think it's a matter of how much he works. I think it's his communication style and how he is because she doesn't mention he changed when he started his internship. I ot the imgpression he was like that when he met her?
elaine567 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Test 1: Is this fun? Is this easy? Do I enjoy the relationship? Am I happy? Test 2: Is he making an effort? I guess he fails on both counts 2 Tests to Determine if He's Worthy Of Being Your Boyfriend 1
basil67 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) I just think a man who loves me would take consideration of wht I'm telling him matters to me. &would put in the effort to try & become as invested in it as I am. I definitely don't want to try to change him either. Actually, when you want him to start doing something that he doesn't want to do, that is changing him. With the "a man who loves me would" comment, you can easily turn it around. He could rightly say that if you you love him, you'd take consideration of what matters to him and put in the effort to accept that he needs a lot of down time to recover when he's not working. See, this is where the "if he/she loves me they would do x" falls apart - because it works both ways and you can't both be right. This is why figuring out what you're willing to accept is the way forward. Edited July 18, 2016 by basil67 1
Justanaverageguy Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I just think a man who loves me would take consideration of wht I'm telling him matters to me. &would put in the effort to try & become as invested in it as I am. I definitely don't want to try to change him either. You have just written back to back sentences that are completely opposing. Essentially If he loved me he would change to do what I say and become more attentive and do all the things I told him were important .... Immediately followed by I definitely don't want to change him. Relationship disagreements are often not about whether he "loves you" or not - they are about compatibility. Does the way he acts in a relationship align with your preferences. If no - then you are simply not compatible. His idea of intimacy and affection are different to yours. 1
Namasteppl Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 i don't know you, but every woman i've known who made this same complaint turned around and said the guy was to clingy and lost attraction to him when he did exactly what she wanted him to do. I've known guys also in this situation who did what their gf's wanted and ended up getting dumped. The guys who just did their thing and didn't change? The women kept complaining but didn't dump them. Strange huh? this......
Namasteppl Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I just think a man who loves me would take consideration of wht I'm telling him matters to me. &would put in the effort to try & become as invested in it as I am. I definitely don't want to try to change him either. That's double speak. You just said you want to change him but you don't want to change him either. Maybe you should look deep down in yourself and realize that you're being needy and insecure.
SevenCity Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) I don't know you, but every woman i've known who made this same complaint turned around and said the guy was to clingy and lost attraction to him when he did EXACTLY what she wanted him to do. I've known guys also in this situation who did what their GF's wanted and ended up getting dumped. The guys who just did their thing and didn't change? The women kept complaining but didn't dump them. Strange huh? This is so true. I think subconsciously women put these tests out and don't realize it. It's the "are you an alpha test". If you fail by caving in, they lose respect and interest in you. Edit to add - one of my ex'es complained that I didn't argue with her (drama queen). That fighting is part of a RL and all normal couples do it. I relented. After she dumped me, she cited one of the major reasons for the breakup "we fight too much" Edited July 18, 2016 by SevenCity 1
stillafool Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I'm currently the one paying for everything. I'm working and going to school as he is. Him meeting my financial security hasn't crossed my mind once. Maybe you are doing too much! Pull back and match his level of communication and action. If that doesn't make you happy maybe you should accept that you two aren't compatible in your love styles and let him go.
mg101 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I've been in a relationship for 7 months. He's wonderful. We're 2 students & growing up in our own ways. He's got an internship in one of the biggest firms in his career & almost done with school. & I've just moved out of my parents house, working, &finishing school as well. Our lives have gotten a bit busy to say the least. We see each other once a week. &the words exchanged during the week is minimal. But tht doesn't bother him half as much as it does to me because he feels his actions expressed should be okay. Me wishing he'd text me good morning, asking how my day was, or texting me get home safe when he knows I've been out is insignificant to him. It is to me though...I'm always expressing my love physically & verbally. No matter how exhausted or preoccupied I wanna leave him a good morning text, take the time to read how his day was, or wait til he let's me know he got home because we do get to talk so little. He just tells me I need to accept the little things he does tht I don't like & appreciate the things he does do. So am I being too needy & unappreciative? Is it so bad for me to want him to put more effort into the things he say? Personally, I dont think it's wrong to expect these things, but I do think he's just not that kind of person and he won't change. Your values are different, period. He may be to self-involved and selfish for you. I had the same issue with my ex - started off with those exact complaints, coupled with showing up late, not planning any real dates. He never changed although he said he would and in fact he kept pushing the boundaries further probably out of resentment. End game - he was not for me. He was selfish and manipulative to boot. You can't and won't change someone's core values. Either they are a caring/considerate person or they're not. Sounds like you won't be happy with this set up and your complaints will only make it worse. And if you dont complain, you'll grow very resentful and unhappy. Damned either way. I suggest you move on tbh. You'll be making another thread about this a year from now (like I was). 2
Dis Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I dont think your being needy hun I just dont think the two of you are compatible I recently dated a guy who didnt communicate the way I need my partner too...his effort started to wane during the end...I dated him for 2 months hoping I could adjust to his communication style. But in the end I realized his lack of effort and spotty communication wasnt something I was willing to tolerate...so I broke it off People really dont change much hun...what you see now is what you get Your being unrealistic hoping these inherent aspects of who he is are going to magically change. They're not hun. Theres nothing wrong with coming to the conclusion that the person your dating doesnt measure up But there is something wrong with sticking around when your not happy...fighting for something that doesnt stand a chance 3
TXGuy Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 He can load an app (there are free ones or several others for less than $5) and it can be programmed to send you a good morning text every day at,say, 8am as well as a goodnight text at, say, 10pm. That should make you both happy. 1
Els Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Wow. Ignore the comments from a few of the guys here who are projecting their previous failed relationships on you. It is TOTALLY normal to want more contact than once a week with a person you have been dating for 7 months! Totally, completely normal. It's also okay to tell him you need more. If it's a temporary thing caused by his internship, then you have to decide if it's worth sticking it out. If it's just the way he is and he is unwilling to meet you halfway, then you're probably just incompatible and would be best parting ways.
TooRational Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 I also agree with some that your expectations are absolutely normal (they are similar to mine). Expecting to totally change someone is unrealistic BUT I think it's reasonable to expect someone to be receptive to your needs and feelings and try to adapt somehow. Otherwise they're not making an effort and are not really invested in the relationship. You made your expectations clear, which is not needy. Needy would have been hiding this discomfort for fear of hurting the relationship. Unfortunately he hasn't improved much so you need to figure out whether you can live with that going forward. I wouldn't (now, I did tolerate it for too long though).
phineas Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 (edited) I also agree with some that your expectations are absolutely normal (they are similar to mine). Expecting to totally change someone is unrealistic BUT I think it's reasonable to expect someone to be receptive to your needs and feelings and try to adapt somehow. Otherwise they're not making an effort and are not really invested in the relationship. You made your expectations clear, which is not needy. Needy would have been hiding this discomfort for fear of hurting the relationship. Unfortunately he hasn't improved much so you need to figure out whether you can live with that going forward. I wouldn't (now, I did tolerate it for too long though). Did I miss where she stated her expectations and how often he does text with her? Edited July 19, 2016 by phineas
phineas Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Wow. Ignore the comments from a few of the guys here who are projecting their previous failed relationships on you. It is TOTALLY normal to want more contact than once a week with a person you have been dating for 7 months! Totally, completely normal. It's also okay to tell him you need more. If it's a temporary thing caused by his internship, then you have to decide if it's worth sticking it out. If it's just the way he is and he is unwilling to meet you halfway, then you're probably just incompatible and would be best parting ways. From the OP. We see each other once a week. &the words exchanged during the week is minimal. At no point did she actually say how often or how little he contacts her. Just that she wants more. She wants a good morning, goodnight, did you get home safe text every day from him because that's what she wants to do herself. No where does she say he never does that either. Again it seems like she wants him to text her for the sake of texting her on a daily basis.
TooRational Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 phineasL Agreed that she didn't go into exact specifics, but: the words exchanged during the week is minimal That implies that she wants more communication. But tht doesn't bother him half as much as it does to me because he feels his actions expressed should be okay That implies that they talked about it and he doesn't feel that he needs to change his behavior. I understand where she's coming from. I was expecting the same from my ex but she pretty much reacted like this guy. Seeing each other once a week and a few texts here and there are fine for a friendship, but for a loving relationship I'm expecting more. It boils down to compatibility. Doesn't look like these two are compatible in their expectations. 1
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