After 4 dates, my lady friend told me she wants to take it slow

July 29, 2016

This seems to be a cultural thing, I have a friend who's dated several Asian women and has been asked the same.

Well, most of the women I have dated recently have been asian and not one of them has asked me this. If they did, I would just tell them it's not a question people ask and ignore it.

July 29, 2016

I think you are still way too much in your head.

If she really liked you and wanted to date you, the awkward first kiss and the wait between dates wouldn't really have mattered... I just don't think that this relationship was the one for you.

I would encourage you to meet more women and get more experience with dating. Have fun with it and get out of your head. Sadly, it may take you many, many dates before you find someone who wants a relationship.

I also wanted to add that, considering the types of serious questions she was asking the OP over their after-dinner coffee, it could well be that there are things regarding life goals, etc., that she considers as dealbreakers.

July 30, 2016

I also wanted to add that, considering the types of serious questions she was asking the OP over their after-dinner coffee, it could well be that there are things regarding life goals, etc., that she considers as dealbreakers.

If she was into him she would not have cared if their 5 year plans were slightly out of line....

I mean sure, if she didn't want kids and he did.... or if she earnt a good income and was highly educated and the OP was content with flipping burgers for a living... then sure, they would be incompatible.

But honestly, it is ludacris to think that any normal adult would find " deal breakers" in a new partners 5 or 10 year plans UNLESS they were really out of whack...

If you are INTO someone, then things like salaries and 5 year plans do not matter, as long as they both have jobs and plan to work hard, and they are both on board with having kids versus being child free.....

For example: if you fall hard for someone, you are giddy with excitment and you feel a jolt to your heart whenever they touch you. You yearn to see them and all your dates and exciting and electric. You can barely control your urges....... Say you talk about life goals... and you both want kids, and you both intend to remain employed and lead a comfortable life -

.....And let's just say one of them wish to travel a little before kids, and the other wants kids a year or 2 sooner than the other. ...OR let's just say one of them earns 30k more than the other. Or even 50K more; as long as they are intellectually compatible and both strive for a comfortable life, then who cares who earns more?

I HIGHLY DOUBT she girl went from being into him, to " assessing their goals and incomes and views on child rearing, and determining they are not compatible".

Life and relationships are not a flipping BUSINESS transaction. People who feel REAL lust and love and who FALL for someone - they want to be with them and do not "cancel" the transaction after " assessing their 5 year plan"

That is ridiculous. And if you are like that then you clearly do not have a romantic bone in your body.

July 30, 2016

This is merely my speculation from what the OP posted about her lady friend. If she's one with "romantic bone", she surely wouldn't ask about the OP's salary at such early stage of dating.

If she was into him she would not have cared if their 5 year plans were slightly out of line....

I mean sure, if she didn't want kids and he did.... or if she earnt a good income and was highly educated and the OP was content with flipping burgers for a living... then sure, they would be incompatible.

But honestly, it is ludacris to think that any normal adult would find " deal breakers" in a new partners 5 or 10 year plans UNLESS they were really out of whack...

If you are INTO someone, then things like salaries and 5 year plans do not matter, as long as they both have jobs and plan to work hard, and they are both on board with having kids versus being child free.....

For example: if you fall hard for someone, you are giddy with excitment and you feel a jolt to your heart whenever they touch you. You yearn to see them and all your dates and exciting and electric. You can barely control your urges....... Say you talk about life goals... and you both want kids, and you both intend to remain employed and lead a comfortable life -

.....And let's just say one of them wish to travel a little before kids, and the other wants kids a year or 2 sooner than the other. ...OR let's just say one of them earns 30k more than the other. Or even 50K more; as long as they are intellectually compatible and both strive for a comfortable life, then who cares who earns more?

I HIGHLY DOUBT she girl went from being into him, to " assessing their goals and incomes and views on child rearing, and determining they are not compatible".

Life and relationships are not a flipping BUSINESS transaction. People who feel REAL lust and love and who FALL for someone - they want to be with them and do not "cancel" the transaction after " assessing their 5 year plan"

That is ridiculous. And if you are like that then you clearly do not have a romantic bone in your body.

July 30, 2016

This is merely my speculation from what the OP posted about her lady friend. If she's one with "romantic bone", she surely wouldn't ask about the OP's salary at such early stage of dating.

My take on this is she felt pressured and pushed by me. I texted her am I moving too fast, and I followed that up with asking her again in person the very next outing that if she sees me as just a platonic friend to please let me know so we don't waste each other's time. I'm sure I put a lot of pressure on her and she just didn't "buy into me" enough to make the call on the spot.

She set up the next meeting knowing 95% she was going to friend zone me. The after dinner grilling was an accelerated last second ditch effort to see if this was maybe salvageable. I kind of pushed her into it. Because had I played it cool, I'm sure there's a chance we'd still be communicating and meeting up.

But I suppose better to know earlier rather than later.

July 30, 2016

My take on this is she felt pressured and pushed by me. I texted her am I moving too fast, and I followed that up with asking her again in person the very next outing that if she sees me as just a platonic friend to please let me know so we don't waste each other's time. I'm sure I put a lot of pressure on her and she just didn't "buy into me" enough to make the call on the spot.

She set up the next meeting knowing 95% she was going to friend zone me. The after dinner grilling was an accelerated last second ditch effort to see if this was maybe salvageable. I kind of pushed her into it. Because had I played it cool, I'm sure there's a chance we'd still be communicating and meeting up.

But I suppose better to know earlier rather than later.

Lot of pressure? How? Lot of pressure is when a doctor is trying to save the life of a dying person. Lot of pressure is when an athelete is playing in the Olympics. Lot of pressure is when your company lost millions of dollars, lots of pressure is when you got falsely accused for murder... Thats pressure my friend!!

If a woman feels pressured bcoz of a text... Seriously... She needs help!!! LOL

She never liked you... If she did such stuff would mean nothing to her... And if she didnt - whatever u did wont change her mind...

July 31, 2016

I also tend to live inside my head and over-analyze. What I found helpful is not to talk about the early dating stages too much. Not to post about it, not to seek advice from others, the less it said the better. Of course you will still think about it but each time you post or discuss it it increases the amount of thinking and obsessivness.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. I overthink things alot myself. I've started some threads and I've gotten great advice but starting a thread is kind of a catch 22. Yes...you get advice...insight...and support but all the contradicting opinions cause my mind to spin out of control and turn me upside down...to the point where I cant see straight....which is why I wont start another thread unless I have a massive problem...like a breakup or infidelity (god forbid).

Tek I think it would be a good idea for you to start trusting your own gut...while these threads might help you...I can also see they cause you to overthink even more

Like ES said....dont talk about the early stages of dating too much...just go with it

I'm so so sorry this didnt work out Tek...but you deserve someone who really likes you...this is for the best

July 31, 2016

She never liked you... If she did such stuff would mean nothing to her... And if she didnt - whatever u did wont change her mind...

I'd say her coming to my place armed with wine knowing we'd be alone and later cuddling and kissing me says otherwise. I think there was SOME interest otherwise she would never have put herself in such a "romantic" situation. You don't do that with someone you see as strictly JUST a friend. Sure, we can say "it was one of those in the moment situations" or "the parental pressure probably made her at least give it a shot" but I call malarky on anyone who claims she NEVER liked me at all at any point in this process.

It's just... she didn't like me ENOUGH.

But she did like me enough to a degree to cuddle and kiss.

Thanks Dis. I vowed to myself to stop making these kind of threads with future dates. I do over analyze even more when I do such things, so I'm going to avoid it going forward.

Actually had a new date last night with a new girl, but am not posting any details about it.

August 1, 2016

I'd say her coming to my place armed with wine knowing we'd be alone and later cuddling and kissing me says otherwise. I think there was SOME interest otherwise she would never have put herself in such a "romantic" situation. You don't do that with someone you see as strictly JUST a friend. Sure, we can say "it was one of those in the moment situations" or "the parental pressure probably made her at least give it a shot" but I call malarky on anyone who claims she NEVER liked me at all at any point in this process.

It's just... she didn't like me ENOUGH.

But she did like me enough to a degree to cuddle and kiss.

Thanks Dis. I vowed to myself to stop making these kind of threads with future dates. I do over analyze even more when I do such things, so I'm going to avoid it going forward.

Actually had a new date last night with a new girl, but am not posting any details about it.

Women who view a man as harmless do in fact do this and more with men.

even get topless and kiss but never take it further and don't worry because they know the guy won't have the balls to push her for more.

Congrats.

You are now her "safe guy".

August 1, 2016

Actually had a new date last night with a new girl, but am not posting any details about it.

Yayyyyy Tek!!!! No overthinking k??? Just go with it and pls have fun!!!

August 31, 2016

Hey guys, it's been about one month. Update time.

We emailed each other mid August. A couple days later I texted her Happy Birthday. Kept it cordial and friendly. Just wished her well. She replied thank you

Then I went dark. Work started up again and I got super busy again.

It only took her about a week and a half to initiate a text with me. I wasn't shocked. I knew she was going to initiate contact with me at some point again. It wasn't like she was never going to talk to me again.

Overall, I feel like I'm in a good spot, mentally. Am I still interested in her? Definitely not as much as I was 5 weeks ago. I've moved on for the most part, and I believe if I am to give her a second chance, she would have to initiate everything to prove to me that she really wants to give this a second chance. Do I expect this to happen? No. So yeah, I feel like I'm in a good place. I'm not hung up on her. As the days and weeks pass, the summer memories begin to fade and dissipate.

BTW, she asked how I was doing in her text, I replied, asked how she was, and she replied. Left it at that.

Feeling good. I can live with or without her. Friend or more. I don't care in a manner of speaking. If she wants to be in my life, she will make the effort. And if she does, I will reciprocate. But I'm not about to act needy, be the first one to ask her out to catch up, etc. If she wants to talk, she knows how to reach me.

Quite frankly, it's a nice place to be. Yeah, I like her as a person. But not having her in my life is far from the end of the world. She rejected me in late July. Not gonna let that happen again.

September 3, 2016

Interesting development. Two days after she initiated a "how are you?" text, she texted me again. This time it was to ask me to hang out... just the two of us. Huh. After I didn't contact her for about 10 days, she broke the silence and came hollering at me.

Women... I will never understand thee.

Over pursue and you run away.

Fall off the face of the earth and get a "wassup?" text followed by a "Hey, you wanna do so and so?" text lol.

September 26, 2016

Interesting update:

Two weekends ago we hung out for the first time since our last date. We were going to the shooting range because she bought a buy 1 get 1 free Groupon. I got there and brought ear plugs. She didn't, and it turned out the place didn't rent them out. They said it was a health issue, but pointed her toward the ear plugs they sold for 80 bucks. We agreed it was pointless to do it, and agreed to do it at a future date.

At that point she said "I feel bad you drove out an hour for no shooting. Let's get ice cream."

So we go to a cute little ice cream shop. We catch up for an hour.

BTW, it should be noted she texted me before I arrived that she has to leave by 5 PM (leaving us 2 hours to hang out -- my total drive time would almost be as long). I thought it was a little weird but whatever, people get busy but just thought the timing was funny.

So around 4:15 I told her at the ice cream shop "Well we should get going. You need to get going."

That's when she smiled and mentioned that she was free and that whatever plans she had were cancelled. Huh. Weird. Interesting. But weird, but whatever, lol.

So then we hang out at the mall for a bit and watched a movie. I paid for the ice cream and movie.

Then I dropped her off and called it a night. We have not contacted each other since then, and my plan is to stay in no contact mode until she reaches out again, possibly for the Groupon makeup "date."

But another interesting development. Today I was on eHarmony and somehow I ran across her profile. I clicked on it and WHOA....

I CONTACTED HER ON VALENTINE'S DAY 2016. Small world!

But she never replied.

Which paints new perspective to me. She ignored me on eharmony because she didn't find me attractive. But when we met in person through our family connection she gave me a shot and liked me enough to kiss me. Which kind of proves to me online dating is hard and that women tend to go for looks. I'm not hating on women for doing this -- it's just an observation and I know us guys do so as well. But it's very telling that I was never her first choice, so it gives me some extra solace. Maybe we truly were never meant to be. But that our paths crossed because she taught me some valuable lessons about myself and about dating in general.

But here's the kicker. My parents earlier tonight told me they ran into her parents at the grocery store. My mom told me her parents told me the reason why she rejected me.

She said I am "charming" but that I need to "move up" in life. She didn't like the salary I make. I am a full time teacher but I work at a school that doesn't pay me a lot. She said I should move schools and go somewhere that will pay me a lot more. (FYI on our final legit date she asked me what I made and I answered honestly). So it sounds like she did like me on some level, but her deal breaker was I didn't make enough and perhaps I was a little too comfortable in life rather than looking to move forward in every arena of my life. To be honest, when I heard this I got a bit ticked. I understand everyone has their preferences, but I find this reason a bit shallow especially when she is already making over 100K a year. Yeah I understand money is important but I lost a lot of respect for her for dumping me for just that. So if I made 80K a year she would suddenly accept me and date me and want to marry me? What if I get sick and terminated? Would she up and divorce me then?

Anyway, today made me see her in a whole new light. I don't mind being acquaintances with her, or even going out to the makeup shooting "date" but in terms of getting back together? IF that were to ever happen, and that's a big IF, she is going to have to "chase" and prove to me that she truly wants to make it work. But, I'm not holding my breath.

Already dating new girls and moving on mentally. Life's too short to be anyone's backup option. And if you ain't gonna date me now, when I'm a better version of myself you'll want to date me then? Um, maybe that will be a no. You had your shot, girl!

September 26, 2016

It is highly unattractive for an ambitious and successful woman to date someone that is much less so. It's not just about the money. It's about the general overly laid back attitude to life. She wants her equal (at least). Women are genetically programmed to be attracted to men that are good providers. Men are genetically programmed to be attracted to looks and youth. It is what it is.

To me, there is nothing less attractive than someone doing the bare minimum to get through life and dreaming of doing even less.

September 26, 2016

It is highly unattractive for an ambitious and successful woman to date someone that is much less so. It's not just about the money. It's about the general overly laid back attitude to life. She wants her equal (at least). Women are genetically programmed to be attracted to men that are good providers. Men are genetically programmed to be attracted to looks and youth. It is what it is.

To me, there is nothing less attractive than someone doing the bare minimum to get through life and dreaming of doing even less.

I know you didn't say that directly to me necessarily but I do have dreams and aspirations myself. Just want to state for the record I am not some bum. Sure maybe my ambition level isn't as high as some other guys but it's also higher than plenty of other guys just going through life's motions.

September 26, 2016

That might be the reason and might not be. People don't always tell parents the truth. The irony of course may come later. If wants to be a stay at home mom or take some time off, I can see wanting someone that makes more. That is life. However, often women who put their career first want a man who does as well. Which is fine until someone to make career sacrifices for time and family. Just goes to show you that what we want and what may be right for us are two different things.

September 26, 2016

It is highly unattractive for an ambitious and successful woman to date someone that is much less so. It's not just about the money. It's about the general overly laid back attitude to life. She wants her equal (at least). Women are genetically programmed to be attracted to men that are good providers. Men are genetically programmed to be attracted to looks and youth. It is what it is.

To me, there is nothing less attractive than someone doing the bare minimum to get through life and dreaming of doing even less.

How is being a teacher doing the bare minumum?

Mum is a teacher and managed to send me to the best private schools, take me overseas travelling as a child and support her sick husband when he became incapacitated

I mean..you want the big love yet you rule out professionals who you could very well fall for, on account of them being content with a normal professional job versus getting a PHD

I now understand why you are single, despite your striking looks and nice demeanour. You are cut off to real chemistry, since you may well feel it with a lowly teacher or social worker. LOL.

September 26, 2016

OP, the girl was too fussy for what she had to offer. Was she a hot young babe with loads of rich men vying for her attention?

She wants the guy with a 6 figure income? Then she should go for older men, if she subscribes to THOSE types of rules and regulations. She needs to be a hot young, captivating girl who makes men fall passionately in love with her, if she thinks she can pico and choose only high incoke earners........

I am so glad I ditched the well off white collar men I dated in favour of true love. The kind of thing that really makes you feel full of life when you are going about your mundane business. A feeling that this girl will likely never know.

Just think OP.... you are open to feeling real chemistry that may lead to great relationship compatability. Because you are not closed off to prospective mates due to their income. Ssdly, your girl pal will not likely come accross true sparks and compatability, since true mutual chemistry and deep emotional depth is rare enough WITHOUT even factoring in all the other thiings like compatability.

Limiting yourself to such... a tiny fraction if the population ( who earn equao to or above what she does) rules out perfectly amazing eyes meet accross the room type of matches, that she would actually feel passionate about and end up being intelectually compatible with if she gave them half a chance.

September 26, 2016

Yeah it is kind of rubbing the wrong way that being a teacher equals 'unambitious, at the bare minimum'. Teacher has always been a honorable job, if he said he's a drug dealer or doing shady business - it's a whole other story.

I've done the whole PhD route and beyond so if I wanted equally educated man who is my age and doing well financially I've stayed single for eternity

Plus every person who has been in the system knows the best kept secret, i.e. PhDs and other terminal degrees start making money much much later in life coupled with some social issues. I'm saying it with much love towards the PhD path but considering I've done it in a place where I didn't pay a penny for education - we were congratulating each other (fellow PhDs) for having 10-20 K saved in the end of the degree I'm sure a teacher at the same age (say 27-29) has managed to put aside much more than that for the mere fact that they have 5+ more years in the working force by that time.

How is being a teacher doing the bare minumum?

Mum is a teacher and managed to send me to the best private schools, take me overseas travelling as a child and support her sick husband when he became incapacitated

I mean..you want the big love yet you rule out professionals who you could very well fall for, on account of them being content with a normal professional job versus getting a PHD

I now understand why you are single, despite your striking looks and nice demeanour. You are cut off to real chemistry, since you may well feel it with a lowly teacher or social worker. LOL.

September 26, 2016

That might be the reason and might not be. People don't always tell parents the truth. The irony of course may come later. If wants to be a stay at home mom or take some time off, I can see wanting someone that makes more. That is life. However, often women who put their career first want a man who does as well. Which is fine until someone to make career sacrifices for time and family. Just goes to show you that what we want and what may be right for us are two different things.

I think she was telling the truth because she did literally ask him how much money he makes while they were on a date.

September 26, 2016

I CONTACTED HER ON VALENTINE'S DAY 2016. Small world!

But she never replied.

Which paints new perspective to me. She ignored me on eharmony because she didn't find me attractive. But when we met in person through our family connection she gave me a shot and liked me enough to kiss me. Which kind of proves to me online dating is hard and that women tend to go for looks. I'm not hating on women for doing this -- it's just an observation and I know us guys do so as well. But it's very telling that I was never her first choice, so it gives me some extra solace. Maybe we truly were never meant to be. But that our paths crossed because she taught me some valuable lessons about myself and about dating in general.

What makes you conclude that she didn't reply due to looks? It could have been something about your profile, including your job...which is still the reason she isn't interested.

I tend to think she gave you a chance as a favor to her dad, even though she was skeptical because she's looking for someone who matches her in ambition.

September 26, 2016

I think she was telling the truth because she did literally ask him how much money he makes while they were on a date.

Who cares, if any of this is true, she sucks.

Miss Right for you is going to have to be someone who sees past your dating anxiety and sees the real you. If you're not comfortable you're going to be a complete bleep-show.

So if you're on these dates and it feels off, let it feel off....you need someone to bridge that gap for you.

September 26, 2016

Tek, some people are just right for each other and some aren't. You and she want different things in life, you're not compatible, that's fine. Neither of you is wrong.

I strongly suggest that you not ruminate further over her or keep meeting up with her.

September 26, 2016

Teknoe, I'd take the feedback you heard from your parents (from her parents, from her) w a grain of salt. I for one do NOT think your salary/amount of professional ambition was the real reason she wasn't into you.

I mean, think about what was really happening here. Her parents likely were pressing her for a reason why she wasn't feeling it for a nice decent guy like yourself. What was she supposed to tell her Mom AND her Dad: The truth that you weren't moving things along emotionally and physically fast enough for her to feel excited, or the more palatable excuse (at least as far as her Dad is concerned) that you weren't ambitious enough professionally? Yeah, exactly.

Many a woman, yes many a smart ambitious woman, dates and falls in love w a guy who miss a lot of items on her checklist. As a teacher, you not only make decent money but you're in a noble profession.

I realize this sounds harsh, but I do think you were too passive w this woman, and that is the main reason why it didn't work out.

Edited September 26, 2016 by Imajerk17

September 27, 2016

Nobody (and certainly not a person here) can say for certain why she wasn't interested in you.

Maybe it was your salary. Maybe it was because you didn't push it enough. Maybe it was because of your looks. Maybe she's completely asexual and her parents are pushing this on her to be more normal (which is actually something that I've seen before).

You'll never know. And neither will we.

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