offwithhishead Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 OK. Long story short. I met this girl online for the first time. I thought the date went well. We spent about 2 and half hours together. The first hour was really great. Conversation just flowed between us and I could sense her interest level in getting to know me was high because I wasn't the only one asking questions, she was asking an equal number of questions. The 2nd hour wasn't as great but it wasn't terrible. I thought it had more to do with the venue. We were getting a drink at a bar and I think the AC had a problem and I think we were both getting a little sweaty. Also, I think she ordered the wrong drink for herself and so she was getting a little sleepy. She says she usually doesn't drink cider and prefers wine but for some reason, she ordered a cider and it was the early afternoon so it made her a bit sleepy. I think it's first date jitters that causes this and we were also drinking on an empty stomach because we both weren't hungry due to the jitters. Even so, the convo just flowed. It wasn't awkward at all. Then she abruptly asked the bartender for the bill. She didn't even ask me if we should get going. After we left, I walked her to the subway station. It was about a 20 minute walk. During that time, she asked me how my online dating experience was. And she told me, online dating is tough because she has to make choices. She asked me a hypothetical question which basically means she's asking me what I would do in HER situation. She asked me, "Say you've met 5 girls, how would you chose between them? Suppose you don't really like one but there's a chance over time, she might actually be the one? But the problem is, if you let her go now, you're going to lose her?" Basically she's asking a rhetorical question. She's meeting multiple guys at once from the dating site. I know this is fine. That's what you're supposed to be doing before deciding to commit to one person. But the fact that she kinda admitted this (although in an indirect way) shows she's not feeling attraction to me, even though the date itself went well and I can't think of anything that I did wrong. Before we parted, I asked her if I could see her again. I know, big mistake, but by then I was already getting the impression she had lost interest so this was my lame ass attempt to salvage the situation. She said, "well let's see. let's continue to text." We hugged and said goodbye. Basically I don't know what else I could have done. I was normal and confident in my behavior. We had good conversations. It never felt awkward. But I don't know why she just suddenly asked for the bill like that and why she admitted she has multiple options to weigh in on. She has a very direct and honest personality and that's kinda why I'm interested in her. I could tell even when we were just communicating online, her style is very direct. So this is a girl who basically is straightforward and honest. So maybe I should just take her as her word and not bother asking for a second date. Normally, I'd just cut my losses and move on. But I'm still interested in her. Not just physically. But I thought we got along well. We seem to have lots to talk about and there were never any awkward silences. I just don't get why she lost interest all of a sudden. I'm baffled actually. I've been on bad first dates before and this definitely wasn't one. I'm sure if you asked her, she would also agree this wasn't a bad first date. Should I even attempt to ask her out again or should I just cut my losses and move on? Has she already made her decision and is just trying to let me down gently or does she need a few days to think about it?
WonderKid Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Me personally I wouldn't hold my breath. Because I feel if a person is interested in "you" they would show it and certainly wouldn't even put the thought of them talking to other people in your head. I mean, yeah, it's dating. In dating you can rarely expect to be the only person. There's no rule to it. But to indirectly influence the notion of you being an option is kinda immature. How would she like it if that was done to her, right? Now it's gonna seem like you're applying for a job or something. Especially on the next date. All I can say is keep your options open. If she wants you she'd let you know it.
madjac74 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Yea she either brought up online dating to get your reaction to her dating other people or to see if you were keeping it open. Very bad date etiquette. keep your distance for awhile. I think she wants to be pursued.
Author offwithhishead Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 Me personally I wouldn't hold my breath. Because I feel if a person is interested in "you" they would show it and certainly wouldn't even put the thought of them talking to other people in your head. I mean, yeah, it's dating. In dating you can rarely expect to be the only person. There's no rule to it. But to indirectly influence the notion of you being an option is kinda immature. How would she like it if that was done to her, right? Now it's gonna seem like you're applying for a job or something. Especially on the next date. All I can say is keep your options open. If she wants you she'd let you know it. I've had enough experiences with dating to know what a good first date vs. a bad first date is. To me, this didn't feel like neither. That's kinda the problem. If it was a bad first date, I would have no qualms about letting the girl go, even if I was physically attracted to her. But this date wasn't bad at all. I wouldn't say it was great and chemistry was off the charts but how many first dates actually are supposed to be? That's the dilemma here. Or maybe that's how it should be for relationships that do work out. The first date has to have this profound connection. Maybe the fact that we had neither a good or bad date means it was a bad date by default. Yea she either brought up online dating to get your reaction to her dating other people or to see if you were keeping it open. Very bad date etiquette. keep your distance for awhile. I think she wants to be pursued. Pursued by who? by me? or by men in general? Should I still pursue her? I feel like I should just let her go. She's very physically attractive and I did feel a connection with her when we were talking but apparently it wasn't mutual. What's odd about this situation is that I messaged 10 different girls online and she was the only one that replied. And she was the prettiest out of the 10. I wasn't expecting any response from her. The other girls who were more average and more of the type that I go for seriously....no reply. Go figure. That's why I'm not gonna have that hard of a time just letting this girl go. I mean, she's a knockout and when you're that much of a knockout, you're gonna get a lot of guy attention. She's got a lot of work to do weighing her options and yeah, I'm cutting my losses.
madjac74 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I She's got a lot of work to do weighing her options and yeah, I'm cutting my losses. what are your losses?
Author offwithhishead Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 what are your losses? Say I ask her out for a 2nd date and she actually says yes in a reluctant way and we go out and it ends up being terrible. I think I'll feel even worse then. I don't know. All the people I know who are in successful relationships, they said there were strong mutual feelings since day one. Even if I manage to get a few more dates out of this girl, I'm probably just digging my own grave. Also spending a lot of my money and precious time, both of which are quite tight at this time of my life.
madjac74 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 All the people I know who are in successful relationships, they said there were strong mutual feelings since day one. There is a good chance they are lying also...define successful
WonderKid Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Try the 2nd date then you don't have much to lose. Like you said, the last date was pretty neutral to you. But I'd like it better if you said it was a good date. But it was neutral + her indirectly implying she's still shopping. So if you're neutral on the 1st date, definitely pay attention to the next one. Not so much as the date in general, but her. Because you can feel like the date was great but to her she might not feel the same way about it.
biker23 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I'd try a couple texts to gage interest but wouldn't wait long to try to get 2nd date. That said I'm not optimistic. Her getting sleepy. Leaving abruptly. Basically saying she has so many guys to choose from etc. I think she liked you some but didn't blow her away. You had something to get her to respond as the knockouts get hundreds of messages.
madjac74 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 You already asked this question and had people helping you. Did you not hear what you wanted to hear? I don't think you will
Tribble Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I wouldn't exactly call this girl direct as you say. If she was direct, you'd know exactly where you stand. It was poor dating etiquette to say what she did. But it could just be a bit clumsy. Letting you know she is dating others so you don't have an expectations if you go on another date. Was a bit odd she said just text rather than yes to a date. But she could be a bit confused. It was only one date after all, sparks aren't necessarily going to fly straight away. I don't know why you think asking her out again was a mistake? If you're interested, that's what you should do. Also, you like her but you mention her looks a lot. Don't be blinded by this. Just treat her like anyone else you are interested in but are unsure of her interest level.
phineas Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) Lol at cider made her sleepy. 2.5hr first date. 3hrs to read about it. Pro-tip op, if you need to wright that much about a woman you only went on one date with, she isn't into you. Edited July 18, 2016 by phineas 1
ufo8mycat Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Say I ask her out for a 2nd date and she actually says yes in a reluctant way and we go out and it ends up being terrible. I think I'll feel even worse then. But... unless you are emotionally invested. Not really loss but time? No? Personally she just sounds not so keen. My own experience is that many blokes assume good social skills = interest. I have had dates I have made the best of, asked questions, been polite despite having no interest. The alternative just seems rude. That isn't to say I have any obligation to future dates. 1
biker23 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 But... unless you are emotionally invested. Not really loss but time? No? Personally she just sounds not so keen. My own experience is that many blokes assume good social skills = interest. I have had dates I have made the best of, asked questions, been polite despite having no interest. The alternative just seems rude. That isn't to say I have any obligation to future dates. I agree 100% here. Thats why the first hour was so good...but then she got tired of the banter and was ready to go...and then did. And some girls won't be up front to say no to dates, so saying lets text for awhile basically means no.
kgcolonel Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Were this me....I'd ask her out and if I got a less than enthusiastic response, I'd say, "it doesn't sound as if this is your first choice and I appreciate your candor....why don't we forgo the date and move on?" Let her know that you're not desperate and are strong and independent enough to walk away when appropriate.
elaine567 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Sounds like it was a great one hour date, that should have ended at that point and maybe picked up again another day. As you seem to have got on like a house on fire, I guess she may have been up for another date. BUT by prolonging it past being fun, it got uncomfortable for her. She was obviously waiting for you to say "Let's go" and end the date, but when you didn't pick up her sleepy hint, she felt she was obliged to take the initiative and had to end it abruptly by asking for the bill. On the journey back to the station, I guess she had already made up her mind about you, so she decided to pick your brains about online dating and asked your opinion as a "friend". I may be completely wrong, but I wouldn't hold my breath here if I were you. Next time do not sit around in sweaty places with bad air conditioning, suggest you move to a better place, as the whole environment created will reflect on the date and on you too. 1
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