KathL Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Don't - he was flight risk from the first second. The only thing you did wrong was to expect anything from him. Ditch him. KathL you too are being strung along... I suspect your man comes with baggage in the form of a wife. Ditch him. Nope, very certain that he is single. Just that its similar to OP's case where both guys have had many short term relationships that didn't work out.
Toodaloo Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Nope, very certain that he is single. Just that its similar to OP's case where both guys have had many short term relationships that didn't work out. Answer is still the same - ditch him.
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Man in thirties has had numerous short term relationships. It is a pattern, he is not going to suddenly change. As you have already found he is inconsistent and blames it on his work, Er... no. He doesn't get off with that, that is complete nonsense. He picks you up on his terms, and is frankly uncaring about what you may feel when he didn't think it necessary to get in touch for 2 and a half weeks... I guess he is horny. He is a jerk, do not get involved. 1
Dis Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 OP, I think you're also forgetting that he disappeared on you One of the things I've learned from dating is if a guy disappears for awhile...them comes back and shoots me a text...Uh Uh...nope....if he was really into me and was relationship material he wouldve kept in contact with me Thats a huge red flag in my book You're letting him toss you around like a rag doll...you deserve better Dont settle for... -A guy thats 35 and has never had a long term successful relationship (due to his own issues that probably dont have anything to do with work) -Or a guy that disappears on you and comes back when he wants some attention Keep your standards high hun...dont settle for this guy 2
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 So there has been some friendly messaging. And he has now said along the lines of: we should go for drinks again sometime for a catch up... Meaning what? Trying to sound casual? My issue with this is: whilse I appreciate he works weekends alot, he went 2.5 weeks without sending a single message. My guess is, he never intended to see me again and kept dating only to find he has had no luck elsewhere. Or unless something has gone down at work.
Dis Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 So there has been some friendly messaging. And he has now said along the lines of: we should go for drinks again sometime for a catch up... Meaning what? Trying to sound casual? My issue with this is: whilse I appreciate he works weekends alot, he went 2.5 weeks without sending a single message. My guess is, he never intended to see me again and kept dating only to find he has had no luck elsewhere. Or unless something has gone down at work. Your guess is correct hun...ugh if a guy ever did that to me there would be no way I would dignify his attempt to feed me crumbs with a response Thats what hes doing hun...hes giving you just enough to keep you around This guy is giving you crumbs and you're eating them up! This is why his other relationships didnt work out...he fed them crumbs until they started to starve..then they left because they couldnt take it anymore This guy is ridiculous...I'm pissed for you! Would you ever ignore someone you were dating for 2.5 weeks??? If the answer is no... then have some respect for yourself and go find a man who will show you the same courtsey Pls wake up hun...or you're going to get hurt later down the road
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 Your guess is correct hun...ugh if a guy ever did that to me there would be no way I would dignify his attempt to feed me crumbs with a response Thats what hes doing hun...hes giving you just enough to keep you around This guy is giving you crumbs and you're eating them up! This is why his other relationships didnt work out...he fed them crumbs until they started to starve..then they left because they couldnt take it anymore This guy is ridiculous...I'm pissed for you! Would you ever ignore someone you were dating for 2.5 weeks??? If the answer is no... then have some respect for yourself and go find a man who will show you the same courtsey Pls wake up hun...or you're going to get hurt later down the road I know. However. Does your advice change if I tell you we only went on 2 dates. Hardly call it dating.
Dis Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I know. However. Does your advice change if I tell you we only went on 2 dates. Hardly call it dating. It def does not change....some of the ground work had been put in place...there is no reason why an interested/relationship material guy would disappear for 2.5 weeks. A few days...ok...but not 2.5 weeks. And if you're ever doubting a guy's behavior...ask yourself if you would do the same....I dont think you'd disappear on a guy you had 2 good dates with Dont tolerate behavior you yourself wouldnt commit This guy is a douche...he may be doctor...but he's acting like a child No wonder he cant keep a woman 2
Cinnamonstix Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 If a guy waited 2.5 weeks to get in touch, I would have lost interest. Probably after the third day. Hun, don't put any eggs in this basket. 2
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 It def does not change....some of the ground work had been put in place...there is no reason why an interested/relationship material guy would disappear for 2.5 weeks. A few days...ok...but not 2.5 weeks. And if you're ever doubting a guy's behavior...ask yourself if you would do the same....I dont think you'd disappear on a guy you had 2 good dates with Dont tolerate behavior you yourself wouldnt commit This guy is a douche...he may be doctor...but he's acting like a child No wonder he cant keep a woman Sure. I wasnt sure about him either. But I did get annoyed when he vanished. I dont want to say too much here in case I be identified but I am going thru some major life issues at the moment. I am not stable at the moment. I have some major things to deal with. Nothing that prevents me from dating though but I dont know when it is going to end…this situation of mine. It will cause problems with me moving forward with my own life at the moment. So I dont know how feasible a real relationship for me is right now. Also when he ghosted me I went back on dating apps to move on and I was very upset by what happened. I got a bunch of losers who asked me for sex straight up, called me ugly and fat when I told them no. This surgeon guy was actually very gentlemanly when he took me out. I am not sure if I maybe just want someone to date now and again for something to do. If that makes sense. 1
Gaeta Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I know. However. Does your advice change if I tell you we only went on 2 dates. Hardly call it dating. No the advice does not change. Like Dis said, ask yourself under what circumstances would you not contact a man for 2.5 week? He is setting the pace. With his actions (or lack of actions) he is telling you this will be the dynamic of your dating. Long periods with no contacts, then a sudden invitation to 'catch up'. A man that is interested does not let busy work schedule come in the way of a phone call, a quick brunch, a coffee on his break at the corner of his hospital. Heck I even had a man invite me to his work!! because his off time felt on my work time! Our 3rd date was him giving me the tour of his industry! 3
Dis Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Sure. I wasnt sure about him either. But I did get annoyed when he vanished. I dont want to say too much here in case I be identified but I am going thru some major life issues at the moment. I am not stable at the moment. I have some major things to deal with. Nothing that prevents me from dating though but I dont know when it is going to end…this situation of mine. It will cause problems with me moving forward with my own life at the moment. So I dont know how feasible a real relationship for me is right now. Also when he ghosted me I went back on dating apps to move on and I was very upset by what happened. I got a bunch of losers who asked me for sex straight up, called me ugly and fat when I told them no. This surgeon guy was actually very gentlemanly when he took me out. I am not sure if I maybe just want someone to date now and again for something to do. If that makes sense. Oh hun I'm sorry. I 100% understand feeling the need to date to fill an empty space in your life But I think you need to take a break. Whatever is going on in your life is clouding your judgment...maybe if you were in a better place you wouldnt have tolerated this guy's behavior I'm taking a break from dating right now. I've been turned upside down the past year...4 break ups...I'm exhausted Theres nothing wrong with taking a much needed break...but there is something wrong with continuing to date when you cant see straight Take some time for yourself hun and let the dust settle 3
Gaeta Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 This surgeon guy was actually very gentlemanly when he took me out. I am not sure if I maybe just want someone to date now and again for something to do. If that makes sense. Yes it make sense then find someone decent! When you're fragile and vulnerable the last thing you need is a character right out of General Hospital. Find someone real. 1
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 No the advice does not change. Like Dis said, ask yourself under what circumstances would you not contact a man for 2.5 week? He is setting the pace. With his actions (or lack of actions) he is telling you this will be the dynamic of your dating. Long periods with no contacts, then a sudden invitation to 'catch up'. A man that is interested does not let busy work schedule come in the way of a phone call, a quick brunch, a coffee on his break at the corner of his hospital. Heck I even had a man invite me to his work!! because his off time felt on my work time! Our 3rd date was him giving me the tour of his industry! If something very bad happened then I may go quiet. I actually vanished on this same guy before we met. We had been talking on the dating app. He asked me out and I vanished for almost 2 weeks. I didnt reply to him. The difference being we hadnt met yet and something had actually happened to me in my life that made everything else be put on hold. It is the same problems I speak of now. I eventually contacted him again and said hey sorry, this and that happened and he was like no problem, still want to go out. But again: I explained myself and there was a reason why I vanished. he hasn't explained himself. 1
Dis Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 If something very bad happened then I may go quiet. I actually vanished on this same guy before we met. We had been talking on the dating app. He asked me out and I vanished for almost 2 weeks. I didnt reply to him. The difference being we hadnt met yet and something had actually happened to me in my life that made everything else be put on hold. It is the same problems I speak of now. I eventually contacted him again and said hey sorry, this and that happened and he was like no problem, still want to go out. But again: I explained myself and there was a reason why I vanished. he hasn't explained himself. Right hun. One of the first things he wouldve said to you (if he was a decent guy) is, I'm so sorry X Y and Z happened...let me make it up to you I think this is the universe telling you you need to stop...regroup...and focus on the problem you're having in your personal life...if it stopped you from dating before...you're probably not in the right place to date...and theres absolutely nothing wrong with that Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it. - Rabindranath Tagore I know for me, I dont have the capacity to recieve a healthy relationship with the right guy. I need to take a break before that happens Take care of yourself now so you can find the man you want later 1
Miss Peach Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) It def does not change....some of the ground work had been put in place...there is no reason why an interested/relationship material guy would disappear for 2.5 weeks. A few days...ok...but not 2.5 weeks. And if you're ever doubting a guy's behavior...ask yourself if you would do the same....I dont think you'd disappear on a guy you had 2 good dates with Dont tolerate behavior you yourself wouldnt commit This guy is a douche...he may be doctor...but he's acting like a child No wonder he cant keep a woman Totally agree with this. If he were really interested and had a legit reason for the disappearing act (like had already scheduled a vacation) he would have told you in advance so that someone else didn't snatch you up. I used to meet a lot of men like this OP. It took a few changes on my end but I finally met better men. Have you heard of the blog Baggage Reclaim? She has a great blog about men/women who dole out crumbs and how to shore up your self esteem so that this stuff isn't appealing. She called these men 'Mr. Unavailables' and what you're doing she calls being a 'fallback girl'. Edited July 25, 2016 by Miss Peach 2
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 Totally agree with this. If he were really interested and had a legit reason for the disappearing act (like had already scheduled a vacation) he would have told you in advance so that someone else didn't snatch you up. I used to meet a lot of men like this OP. It took a few changes on my end but I finally met better men. Have you heard of the blog Baggage Reclaim? She has a great blog about men/women who dole out crumbs and how to shore up your self esteem so that this stuff isn't appealing. She called these men 'Mr. Unavailables' and what you're doing she calls being a 'fallback girl'. Yes I have heard of natalie's site Baggage Reclaim. I have read lots and lots. She does tend to say the same thing shuffled in a slightly different order on every page. The issue is with this guy, I am contemplating seeing him again as compared to the others I have met, he doesnt seem so bad. But I think he is doing it too. Maybe over the last two weeks he hasnt managed to get a date either. The hell of it is, I didnt see potential in him. I didnt care if I saw him again or not...until he vanished. I think my ego is at work here.
Miss Peach Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Yes I have heard of natalie's site Baggage Reclaim. I have read lots and lots. She does tend to say the same thing shuffled in a slightly different order on every page. The issue is with this guy, I am contemplating seeing him again as compared to the others I have met, he doesnt seem so bad. But I think he is doing it too. Maybe over the last two weeks he hasnt managed to get a date either. The hell of it is, I didnt see potential in him. I didnt care if I saw him again or not...until he vanished. I think my ego is at work here. I really do think it's ego or wanting to feel good enough. Something I did that really helped me when dating is I started looking at it from the idea of getting a match; not whether or not a guy likes me. If you look at it as whether a guy likes you your ego gets in the way and you're essentially auditioning to a guy who have no idea if he's even worth having in your life. A lot of baggage reclaim's articles are about getting over the 'Am I good enough' mentality. If you look at it as a match/not a match you learn to not take it so personally. I know from my side I've met a lot of lovely guys who are good men but they would be horrible matches with me. I don't wish them anything bad and could even be friends with a lot of them. Many of them were lovely and quite attractive. They just had things in their situations that would not mesh well with me in a romantic situation or I had things in my situation that wouldn't mesh with them. It means nothing about them being a good catch or me being a good catch. It's just compatibility. I also have a full/busy life and multi-date. I usually date 2-4 men at a time until I get serious with someone. I focus dates on just enjoying the company of them men I meet rather than get fixated on any one guy. I also keep sex out of it so I don't get too attached. If a guy clearly isn't a match I cut him loose and keep searching. If a guy seems like a good potential match and wants more then I give it a try. I tend to find good ones who are into me rise to the top after a few dates. They are the ones who plan in advance, treat you well on dates, and show they want to know you. 3
tinkerbell16 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 (edited) Yes I have heard of natalie's site Baggage Reclaim. I have read lots and lots. She does tend to say the same thing shuffled in a slightly different order on every page. The issue is with this guy, I am contemplating seeing him again as compared to the others I have met, he doesnt seem so bad. But I think he is doing it too. Maybe over the last two weeks he hasnt managed to get a date either. The hell of it is, I didnt see potential in him. I didnt care if I saw him again or not...until he vanished. I think my ego is at work here. Ask yourself this op... if he was a cable guy would you put up with his hot and cold behavior AND his admittedly love em and leave em history? I hope you don't get sucked into thinking you will be any different than his other "good" women. You are setting yourself up to feel used and hurt if you continue to date him. Want to weed him out quicker? Don't have sex with him, that is unless that is all you want too. I have dated doctors and in my experience they are very emotionally immature and full of false ego... all of which does not make for a lasting relationship. Edited July 26, 2016 by tinkerbell16 1
tinkerbell16 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Ask yourself this op... if he was a cable guy would you put up with his hot and cold behavior AND his admittedly love em and leave em history? I hope you don't get sucked into thinking you will be any different than his other "good" women. You are setting yourself up to feel used and hurt if you continue to date him. Want to weed him out quicker? Don't have sex with him, that is unless that is all you want too. I have dated doctors and in my experience they are very emotionally immature and full of false ego (appear confident on outside but in actuality very insecure)... all of which does not make for a lasting relationship. please save yourself from this dead end
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 Ask yourself this op... if he was a cable guy would you put up with his hot and cold behavior AND his admittedly love em and leave em history? I hope you don't get sucked into thinking you will be any different than his other "good" women. You are setting yourself up to feel used and hurt if you continue to date him. Want to weed him out quicker? Don't have sex with him, that is unless that is all you want too. I have dated doctors and in my experience they are very emotionally immature and full of false ego... all of which does not make for a lasting relationship. Too late I already did have sex with him. I was feeling lonely and wanted to break a dry spell. I wanted to I cant blame him for that. When I left I wasnt bothered if I saw him ever again. It wasnt until he vanished that I was bothered. You are maybe right about doctors. Arrogant.
Miss Peach Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 You are maybe right about doctors. Arrogant. IME someone's profession doesn't really tell you anything that matters in the long run. I'm in a very male dominated industry. In my industry there are nice guys and there are jerks. Same applies to any field. Unfortunately you need to just get to know people and learn through experience with them who they are.
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