Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 I'll just say it, you are entirely too stressed out and overthinking about a guy you've spent so little time with. You're already too invested in this. You have to manage your emotions and expectations and observe a new dating partner for a little bit. This guy hadn't "earned" that, not that I think anyone should stress over a dating partner, ever, but it would be more understandable if things were more established. Forget about this one even if he contacts you again. There's just too much doubt and question for such an early thing. Thing is I wasnt invested until he vanished. I was cool and causal. I think it might be ego with me. 1
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 But, you are stressing/thinking/doing mental gymnastics here. You didn't do or say anything wrong. If you did, you would have known it. His expression would tell you or he would have said something if it were so wrong as to cause him to be put off from you. And, if you did say something that significant and he didn't say anything then he stinks at communication and isn't good relationship material. Which is evidenced by other things anyway. That is also true. When I have said something that wasnt liked or agreed with, you can tell. They say it or you can tell by their face. all of the other people I have dated have said something if I ever said something they didnt like. This guy was quite opininated too. He actually told me I was refreshing as I was so nice . He said lots of women say horrible things on dates and he actually told me he liked me as I was so nice. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Let's just take this out to the future if you did develop a relationship with him and even marry him . . . you already know that, after a week of not seeing or hearing from him, you are beating yourself up. There would certainly be times when he would be called away, super busy, and not "all there" for you. So, can you see yourself being happy in that situation? I mean, can you see yourself with a doctor if he's gone a lot or can't talk as often or text? You need to think about your needs. If you like a lot of contact with a partner, a doctor would certainly not be in a position to be that kind of partner all the time. Even if he wants a committed relationship with someone, he's going to have to find a woman who is really strong, independent, self-sufficient, etc. All the other women he's been with may not have been able to handle it. However, if he wanted to, he could have given some of them enough time to at least develop a relationship to that point . . . if they all bailed, they bailed because he didn't do that.
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 Let's just take this out to the future if you did develop a relationship with him and even marry him . . . you already know that, after a week of not seeing or hearing from him, you are beating yourself up. There would certainly be times when he would be called away, super busy, and not "all there" for you. So, can you see yourself being happy in that situation? I mean, can you see yourself with a doctor if he's gone a lot or can't talk as often or text? You need to think about your needs. If you like a lot of contact with a partner, a doctor would certainly not be in a position to be that kind of partner all the time. Even if he wants a committed relationship with someone, he's going to have to find a woman who is really strong, independent, self-sufficient, etc. All the other women he's been with may not have been able to handle it. However, if he wanted to, he could have given some of them enough time to at least develop a relationship to that point . . . if they all bailed, they bailed because he didn't do that. Oh yeah. I was in a LDR when I was in my 20s. I am actually a very independent person. When I am actually in a relationship I dont need them to be there all the time. In one of my old relationships, I only saw him 1-2 times per week anyway as I worked one direction, he worked the other and we both lived opposite ends of the city and we had hobbies, etc that we did. So meeting took some arranging. But it didnt stress me as he was my BF, we had talked about it. We were exclusive. If I couldnt see him until the weekend, ok fine. I actually liked not seeing as much of him as the relationship felt brand new for alot longer. I knew I'd see him again, I knew he was my BF. So it was fine while apart. I only tend to get antsy over texting if it isnt yet defined. Like this.
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Oh yeah. I was in a LDR when I was in my 20s. I am actually a very independent person. When I am actually in a relationship I dont need them to be there all the time. In one of my old relationships, I only saw him 1-2 times per week anyway as I worked one direction, he worked the other and we both lived opposite ends of the city and we had hobbies, etc that we did. So meeting took some arranging. But it didnt stress me as he was my BF, we had talked about it. We were exclusive. If I couldnt see him until the weekend, ok fine. I actually liked not seeing as much of him as the relationship felt brand new for alot longer. I knew I'd see him again, I knew he was my BF. So it was fine while apart. I only tend to get antsy over texting if it isnt yet defined. Like this. So, tune back into that independent, secure woman and stop thinking about this guy. If he pops back up, go from there. And, if he wants to see you, get some clarity for yourself. Almost a week, given he's a doctor, isn't all that bad, but not a good sign. He's a doctor, he's educated, been around the block, he knows what a woman needs and wants, so if he's actually THAT interested, he will do what's needed to garner that relationship. It's not very likely, but take the pressure off yourself and let him show you what's he's about. Otherwise, you're enjoying your life, focusing on things you need or want do for yourself. Right now, he's a ghost, so treat him like one -- you can't see him, you can't hear him, he doesn't exist.
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 What isnt very likely RedHead?
leogirl876 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Total red flag. He's married to his job. Look, I go to school full-time getting a master's degree and I work full-time and even as busy as I am, if there's a guy I'm into, I always make time to see him. So, if he's not been in a relationship that long because of work, he'll never have time for you and you won't change him. 1
thguy Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Total red flag. He's married to his job. Look, I go to school full-time getting a master's degree and I work full-time and even as busy as I am, if there's a guy I'm into, I always make time to see him. So, if he's not been in a relationship that long because of work, he'll never have time for you and you won't change him. I work alongside a few guys like that and at least a couple haven't ever had a relationship of any length with a woman and these guys are mid thirties at least. These guys just don't get it.
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 What isnt very likely RedHead? It's not very likely that he will come back around to you and want to move things forward and put effort into even attempting to have a long-term relationship.
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 It's not very likely that he will come back around to you and want to move things forward and put effort into even attempting to have a long-term relationship. Yeah I get that. But more likely he could come back for a repeat performance of a casual date?
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Yeah I get that. But more likely he could come back for a repeat performance of a casual date? He may come around again hoping for casual sex at some point and keep stringing you along until you do that and then disappear again. He could this 10 times if you let him . . . 1
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 He may come around again hoping for casual sex at some point and keep stringing you along until you do that and then disappear again. He could this 10 times if you let him . . . Yeah. You're right there.....
Zahara Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Hi Would you think it a red flag if a man who is nearly 35 has never been in a relationship longer than 6 months? His reasoning being that women don't like that he is never available because of work and it doesn't last? He has been with a good few women though. So he says. Must be dating my ex. I don't think it has anything to do with his work but more so using "work" as an excuse to manage the relationship on his terms. The type that can't make deep emotional connections or attachments. Once the excitement dies off, there's nothing left for the relationship to run on so it ends before it even took off. Unfortunately, you'll fall in that same bucket. It has nothing to do with you. It's just something in their nature that self-sabotages and doesn't allow them to connect with depth. Chances are he'll come around again when he wants sex, company, etc. but nothing that is significant. 2
mg101 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 OP, I have two surgeons in my family. They have both always been in long term relationships (3-6 years) and one was also engaged. They even had relationships during residences. People make time for what they want. Don't let him bullcrap you. He likely just doesn't want a real relationship or he's an a-hole and the women check out by month 6. Be careful. Don't let him add you to the 6 Month Club, or worse yet, waste even more of your time than that, not to mention your emotions. 2
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 OP, I have two surgeons in my family. They have both always been in long term relationships (3-6 years) and one was also engaged. They even had relationships during residences. People make time for what they want. Don't let him bullcrap you. He likely just doesn't want a real relationship or he's an a-hole and the women check out by month 6. Be careful. Don't let him add you to the 6 Month Club, or worse yet, waste even more of your time than that, not to mention your emotions. Thanks for that. You're right.
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 After 2.5 weeks I just got a text asking me how I am. Right. Now what Not replying right away.
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 OP, What type of job does he do? He is a surgeon.
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 He has been texting me asking me how I am. Starting to go back and forth. Ok. Well he was a nice considerate man when he took me out. I will see how this plays out.
KathL Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 After 2.5 weeks I just got a text asking me how I am. Right. Now what Not replying right away. Ewww sounds exactly like the man I'm seeing now. Might have to start my own thread about similar problems as yours soon. He used to be a neurosurgeon too. 1
Gaeta Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 He is not interested in pursuing you, don't reply to him at all. Some men will never settle down in a long term relationship and I feel this is his case. He is a waste of your precious time. And it has nothing to do with him being a surgeon. My sister in law is 36 yo doctor and she finds time to call my brother 20 times a day. Her brother is an imminent heart surgeon and he has a wife and children. Your guy is not interested in being locked down in a relationship, period. 2
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 He is not interested in pursuing you, don't reply to him at all. Some men will never settle down in a long term relationship and I feel this is his case. He is a waste of your precious time. And it has nothing to do with him being a surgeon. My sister in law is 36 yo doctor and she finds time to call my brother 20 times a day. Her brother is an imminent heart surgeon and he has a wife and children. Your guy is not interested in being locked down in a relationship, period. You're right there. You can make time if you want to.....
KathL Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) He is not interested in pursuing you, don't reply to him at all. Some men will never settle down in a long term relationship and I feel this is his case. He is a waste of your precious time. And it has nothing to do with him being a surgeon. My sister in law is 36 yo doctor and she finds time to call my brother 20 times a day. Her brother is an imminent heart surgeon and he has a wife and children. Your guy is not interested in being locked down in a relationship, period. What if the guy consistently texts me every 2-5 days to check on how I'm doing but told me that he is busy for these 2 months thus didn't plan for a second date since our first date in May when I decided to bail out early this month by telling him that this was not working and I wished him all the best? He said he was willing to listen to my worries and address them accordingly, which is to move the relationship forward when he clears off his busy work schedule. Should I give him two months time to see if there is any actions from him at the end of it? Background (if you still remember posting in my topic): We are exclusive (this has been verified on several accounts), that he is not interested in multi-dating. We are apart by 2 hours of flight distance and I flew to meet him for our first date. Please help Edited July 25, 2016 by KathL Add ons
Toodaloo Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 He spent alot of time with me over a weekend and now he has gone quiet after going on and on about future events and next times. Maybe he doesnt want to make the time or effort and therein lies the problem. He was super enthusiastic and now ghosted. I am blaming myself for it being something I said. Don't - he was flight risk from the first second. The only thing you did wrong was to expect anything from him. Ditch him. KathL you too are being strung along... I suspect your man comes with baggage in the form of a wife. Ditch him. 1
GunslingerRoland Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Red flag... of course. Who wants to date someone that isn't going to have/make time for them. If you do date them you're going to have to set expectations up front and stick by them. Everyone works, some people work a lot, but they can still find time for the people they care about.
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