DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Hi Would you think it a red flag if a man who is nearly 35 has never been in a relationship longer than 6 months? His reasoning being that women don't like that he is never available because of work and it doesn't last? He has been with a good few women though. So he says.
Dis Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Hi Would you think it a red flag if a man who is nearly 35 has never been in a relationship longer than 6 months? His reasoning being that women don't like that he is never available because of work and it doesn't last? He has been with a good few women though. So he says. Would you be happy being in with a relationship with a man who is "never" available? If all these women felt this way...I dont think you'd feel differently I mean he's 35...not 25.... and he hasnt had the least bit of success in dating due to his own schedule....he's admitting to you that he probably doesnt have the time for a relationship I think he gave you all the info you need to know hun 8
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Hi Would you think it a red flag if a man who is nearly 35 has never been in a relationship longer than 6 months? His reasoning being that women don't like that he is never available because of work and it doesn't last? He has been with a good few women though. So he says. Believe him. He's telling you that his job has been a problem for other women. Unless you have some kind of crystal ball in which you can see his future and that you're "the one" that he will make the time for, listen to what he's told you. He's been with a number of women for whom he could not make the time . . . do you want to invest six months of your life to see if he will make the time for you? Six months isn't a ton of time really, but you better be seeing enough from him right now to make it worth the journey even if it doesn't work out. My guess is that he was "just making time with them" Yeah, it's a flag. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 It is a RED flag! I obviously don't know how many relationships he's had, but I am willing to bet that he is accustomed to his relationship trend/habits. It is a red flag...for you, here and now, it IS a red flag.
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 Yes and the thing is: when we discussed relationship history, he mentioned a first GF from college. So he had relationships in college and he at 35 has still not lasted more than 6 months. So work isnt an excuse if he couldnt last even in college.
longjohn Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Hi Would you think it a red flag if a man who is nearly 35 has never been in a relationship longer than 6 months? His reasoning being that women don't like that he is never available because of work and it doesn't last? He has been with a good few women though. So he says. It's not a red flag it's a burning pyre warning all that see it to run for the hills. 1
Mrin Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Unless said man is a Navy Seal or an officer in the French Foreign Legion - yes. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Yes and the thing is: when we discussed relationship history, he mentioned a first GF from college. So he had relationships in college and he at 35 has still not lasted more than 6 months. So work isnt an excuse if he couldnt last even in college. Well, in college I wouldn't really expect anyone to be too involved with relationships. They should be focused on their education and casually dating. So, that's not really comparing apples to oranges. Young men don't, typically, want to be "committed" for very long anyway. They are still sowing their wild oats. But after they graduate and have a good job, they usually start thinking about their future and what they want that to look like. Did you ever have an actual conversation about what he does want for himself in terms of a relationship for the future? Depending how long you have been seeing him, it's not an unreasonable question to explore.
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 He spent alot of time with me over a weekend and now he has gone quiet after going on and on about future events and next times. Maybe he doesnt want to make the time or effort and therein lies the problem. He was super enthusiastic and now ghosted. I am blaming myself for it being something I said.
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 Well, in college I wouldn't really expect anyone to be too involved with relationships. They should be focused on their education and casually dating. So, that's not really comparing apples to oranges. Young men don't, typically, want to be "committed" for very long anyway. They are still sowing their wild oats. But after they graduate and have a good job, they usually start thinking about their future and what they want that to look like. Did you ever have an actual conversation about what he does want for himself in terms of a relationship for the future? Depending how long you have been seeing him, it's not an unreasonable question to explore. Didnt get the chance. You cant ask too early on. But he is a surgeon. Sure I get it. Busy busy job. But I am in a tough profession too. I can make time if I want to. He works evenings and weekends and can be called out over weekends. So he says that women dont like he is only available once a week. He went as far as telling me that his junior Dr set him up on the dating app and he actually invited me out with his friends that night. But it was a ball and I didnt have time to sort out evening dress at less than a day of notice. But he texted me as soon as he was home and then texted me again to ask me on another date. he came to get me and took me for a romantic walk in the park and we had wine on a terrace on a lovely summer evening. Then later he told me he was busy with work all that week: of course. Then he was free saturday and then on call / working on Sunday and that tied in with him saying he was never free and women dont like it. We had a lovely evening and he said a couple of off color things about an ex and then I turned it in to a jokey conversation where I mentioned a jerk I dated when I was very young: early 20s and he was laughing. He told me all about his background and life an how he became a dr and I did the same. He said he told his friends about me that he met someone nice and he had asked me out with them that evening. Then he was wishy washy and said keep in touch when he drove me home. He answered the text I sent him but other than that..... Was it something I said?
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 He spent alot of time with me over a weekend and now he has gone quiet after going on and on about future events and next times. Maybe he doesnt want to make the time or effort and therein lies the problem. He was super enthusiastic and now ghosted. I am blaming myself for it being something I said. Get out of his head. You have no idea what he's thinking or doing. And, when a guy comes on really strong, he's just wrapped up in the chase and it doesn't have anything to do with what the woman says or does. He probably has other irons in the fire and one of them is really "heated up" right now. Just because they talk about future events, doesn't mean they will do them with you. When they talk about things like that, you sit back and observe whether they actually make them happen. He was super enthusiastic and now ghosted -- Just like all the other women . . . some of them happened to get ghosted at 6 months instead of a month, 2 months . . . they were good enough for that period, he had a 6 month spell where his options were limited or dry, so he stuck it out until something better came along or that one just got tired of his "crap".
longjohn Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 You sure he hasn't got a wife and kids somewhere? Maybe looking a bit on the side. Have you Googled him just to be sure he is all he says he is? 2
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 You sure he hasn't got a wife and kids somewhere? Maybe looking a bit on the side. Have you Googled him just to be sure he is all he says he is? Yes I looked. No wife. No kids. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Didnt get the chance. You cant ask too early on. But he is a surgeon. Sure I get it. Busy busy job. But I am in a tough profession too. I can make time if I want to. He works evenings and weekends and can be called out over weekends. So he says that women dont like he is only available once a week. He went as far as telling me that his junior Dr set him up on the dating app and he actually invited me out with his friends that night. But it was a ball and I didnt have time to sort out evening dress at less than a day of notice. But he texted me as soon as he was home and then texted me again to ask me on another date. he came to get me and took me for a romantic walk in the park and we had wine on a terrace on a lovely summer evening. Then later he told me he was busy with work all that week: of course. Then he was free saturday and then on call / working on Sunday and that tied in with him saying he was never free and women dont like it. We had a lovely evening and he said a couple of off color things about an ex and then I turned it in to a jokey conversation where I mentioned a jerk I dated when I was very young: early 20s and he was laughing. He told me all about his background and life an how he became a dr and I did the same. He said he told his friends about me that he met someone nice and he had asked me out with them that evening. Then he was wishy washy and said keep in touch when he drove me home. He answered the text I sent him but other than that..... Was it something I said? Even doctors have time for wives and children . . . if they want that. Sure, the woman has to be prepared to handle his schedule, but they aren't going to be married if they haven't spent enough time for a relationship to develop. 1
thguy Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 A guy at 35 who's never had even a 6 month relationship is a huge red flag to women. 1
longjohn Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Yes I looked. No wife. No kids. You checked for mugshots, police reports, medical registry make sure he's actually got a license. It's a lot of leg work but I always research anyone I'm dating just to be sure. I'd hate to find lady A tells me she's single then I find a copy of her marriage license and of course a property record showing she's got a husband on the deed. Same husband she claimed never existed. If you know where to look online or don't mind making a "public records request" you can find out a lot. I'd be highly cautious of this guy the whole 6 month thing and I'm too busy thing is hard to swallow.
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 You cant ask too early on -- It's never too early to talk about overall dating goals. It's not about whether it will be with that person, just what you are looking for for yourself. If the pair isn't on the same page in terms of goals to begin with, it's not going to work anyway. Not on the first date, necessarily, but by the second date and certainly if you're spending a weekend together . . . and, if you've had sex early, get it out there!
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 Even doctors have time for wives and children . . . if they want that. Sure, the woman has to be prepared to handle his schedule, but they aren't going to be married if they haven't spent enough time for a relationship to develop. Quite. We spent lots and lots of time talking. He told me all his friends have children. ALL of his friends. They are also all doctors. One of his friends is a neurosurgeon which he told me was the most anti-social and demanding speciality there is. The training takes years and years and you work late, weekends and are called out all the time. And yet: this neurosurgeon has a wife and children. So he managed to make a personal life. Maybe this guy got cold feet after spending a lot of time with me so quickly. Maybe that is just what he does. He meant it when he asked me out with his friends and colleagues though. That was the thing that got me: he was going to introduce to friends and then a lovely date just to vanish. Im not sure if it is something I said or not.
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 You checked for mugshots, police reports, medical registry make sure he's actually got a license. It's a lot of leg work but I always research anyone I'm dating just to be sure. I'd hate to find lady A tells me she's single then I find a copy of her marriage license and of course a property record showing she's got a husband on the deed. Same husband she claimed never existed. If you know where to look online or don't mind making a "public records request" you can find out a lot. I'd be highly cautious of this guy the whole 6 month thing and I'm too busy thing is hard to swallow. Medical registry, linkedin, facebook......all above board. If you have been reading other posts he was taking me out with his friends and asked me to come along. I didnt have time to get ready but he was serious and told me how much the tickets were. He couldnt very well take me to a summer work party if he had a wife. 2
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 You cant ask too early on -- It's never too early to talk about overall dating goals. It's not about whether it will be with that person, just what you are looking for for yourself. If the pair isn't on the same page in terms of goals to begin with, it's not going to work anyway. Not on the first date, necessarily, but by the second date and certainly if you're spending a weekend together . . . and, if you've had sex early, get it out there! Well we kind of did. He told me his family are keen for him to meet someone. He isnt white and asked me if I date people of his race and I was honest and said he was the first but of course no issue there or I would not have matched him in the first place. He told me he prefers white women and he was really complementary about me. But then he also said that day how busy he is and how he is never free and women dont like it. So he was a bit conflicting. He was asking me out again, suggesting things for next time so I thought I'd have more of a chance to see him. Unless he reappears but unlikely I guess.
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Quite. We spent lots and lots of time talking. He told me all his friends have children. ALL of his friends. They are also all doctors. One of his friends is a neurosurgeon which he told me was the most anti-social and demanding speciality there is. The training takes years and years and you work late, weekends and are called out all the time. And yet: this neurosurgeon has a wife and children. So he managed to make a personal life. Maybe this guy got cold feet after spending a lot of time with me so quickly. Maybe that is just what he does. He meant it when he asked me out with his friends and colleagues though. That was the thing that got me: he was going to introduce to friends and then a lovely date just to vanish. Im not sure if it is something I said or not. Im not sure if it is something I said or not -- Stop reading into it. And, if brought you to something that included friends and colleagues, it would have simply been as a +1, not a girlfriend. You hadn't spent enough time for that to be the case. and then a lovely date just to vanish. -- How long has he been a "ghost". I mean, are you stressing because he hasn't texted or called for a day or two (I'll give him a little slack because he's a doctor) or has it been longer?
Author DramaInPajamas Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 Im not sure if it is something I said or not -- Stop reading into it. And, if brought you to something that included friends and colleagues, it would have simply been as a +1, not a girlfriend. You hadn't spent enough time for that to be the case. and then a lovely date just to vanish. -- How long has he been a "ghost". I mean, are you stressing because he hasn't texted or called for a day or two (I'll give him a little slack because he's a doctor) or has it been longer? It has been a about a week. I woudnt be stressing over a day or two.
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I'll just say it, you are entirely too stressed out and overthinking about a guy you've spent so little time with. You're already too invested in this. You have to manage your emotions and expectations and observe a new dating partner for a little bit. This guy hadn't "earned" that, not that I think anyone should stress over a dating partner, ever, but it would be more understandable if things were more established. Forget about this one even if he contacts you again. There's just too much doubt and question for such an early thing.
gorf Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) Yes and the thing is: when we discussed relationship history, he mentioned a first GF from college. So he had relationships in college and he at 35 has still not lasted more than 6 months. So work isnt an excuse if he couldnt last even in college. Well I think you have to ask him more questions then. He's already told you enough to go by as far as asking. Find out if he dumped them or they dumped him. That would say a lot. The honeymoon phase is something to keep in mind that usually wears off at 6 months.. or before if you have dated a lot. Was it purely cause of his schedule? Possible.. but maybe just an excuse he uses a lot. So ask him what he wants out of the relationship with you. It might be physical, maybe he needs someone around him to not feel lonely, maybe likes a female sidekick, or maybe he really does want something good and lasting and just isn't very good at it once the ball gets rolling. You will find out the more you ask him. Edited July 18, 2016 by gorf
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 It has been a about a week. I woudnt be stressing over a day or two. But, you are stressing/thinking/doing mental gymnastics here. You didn't do or say anything wrong. If you did, you would have known it. His expression would tell you or he would have said something if it were so wrong as to cause him to be put off from you. And, if you did say something that significant and he didn't say anything then he stinks at communication and isn't good relationship material. Which is evidenced by other things anyway. 1
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