Depressed rant...sorry...

[b52srock]

As you can see, its 4:30 in the morning and once again, I can't sleep. I'm so tired of not being able to shut my mind down. It would be so much easier if I could.

 

After a year and a half, the marriage is over. Judge will sign final papers this week. Its not what I wanted, not at all, but there's nothing I can do about it.

 

For the past year, all I've heard is how horrible he was to me, how he didn't pay any attention to me, how everyone is so surprised he'd give up his kids for this other woman. I've heard that I'm so much better off without him, that I need to move on, that I'm going to be so much happier on my own.

 

My mother is driving me crazy, telling me one day that I need to quit telling him I'm sorry, and then turning on me the next day, saying that I need to tell him this or that because he has a right to know. One day she says he's a bastard and the next she's telling me she knows he loves me and I need to take responsibility for my part in the divorce. I tried for the last five years to save my sinking marriage. What the hell? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. No matter what, its wrong.

 

I feel like I've been pushed into something that I didn't want by everyone around me. Now I know you'll say I should have been stronger, but when you're bombarded, you start to believe. Even in the deep, dark of the night I knew better, but this little voice told me there wasn't a chance in hell.

 

Well you know what? I'm 42 years old, divorced, with two teens. Not on the top of the list of "I want to date her!", you know? I'm trying to prepare myself for a life alone without the only person I've ever loved, and its damned hard. I now have to raise my children alone and hope to hell I'm doing the right things. People tell me to take care of myself. When? Like I've got all this spare time for bubble baths and pedicures? I have kids to take care of, to drive to softball and concerts. I have a house to take care of and laundry to do. I don't have any spare time, much less time for me.

 

Counselling? Fat chance. One, I can't find the time to go, and two, who's going to pay for it? Sure, it would probably help, but its not as easy as everyone would like to make you think.

 

I know he's gone. I've convinced myself of that. I left the door open for him and he slammed it shut. If he wanted to be with me, if he loved me, he'd be here. He's not here, and that's all the answer I need.

 

I just don't know how I'm going to go on.

[izzybelle]

<<big hugs>>

 

i know easy for me to say, but it really will be ok! my H didn't leave me, i left him because i got tired of living a lie and pretending like i was happy, so i know that changes my situ drastically from what you're going through. i wanted the D, i know you didn't.

 

that said, i'm in my mid-40s (a few years older than you) with two kids. and i can definitely relate to the who the heck would want to date her feelings! and there are plenty out there who won't, i won't lie .... BUT there really are some very, very nice guys out there waiting for someone like you with a good heart to come along. i'm not out a lot, and i've struggled to meet single guys, i'm not the type to go hang out in bars, even though from what i understand there are a few for "older" single people. but it's not my style. i dated one SG who'd never been married, at 40 he knows he's a confirmed bachelor and it's not his thing .... dated another guy with kids my age, he turned out to be more immature than my ex! didn't think that was remotely possible. then, a friend of mine set me up with a friend who was just divorcing .... we've been "seeing" each other for a little over a month and while i have no idea where it will go, it's given me the confidence and hope to know that even if this doesn't work out there are some great single guys out there! but beware, as an exOW i can promise you that there will be a number of MMs who may come knocking on your door. you'll be seen a vulnerable, and some, not all, will try to take advantage of that.

 

what i have realized is that now i feel i have more of a choice to make. when i got married, in spite of the fact that i loved him, i felt the pressure of getting married and wanting kids. that pressure is now gone, the choice is mine. i'm comfortable alone. i love the companionship and i'd rather have that but, i've come to value myself as a person, as me, and not just someone's W, or mom! but there is no longer that pressure, if it happens it happens!

 

and i know it's hard with the kids. the guy i'm seeings schedule and mine don't even come close to meshing so finding time to be together is tough. we're at the beginning of a 2 week spell with so much going on, even phone calls are tough! but if it's meant to be it will be. i still think that there should be a law passed requiring schedules with kids, for divorced people of opposite sexes to mesh so that dating is easier!!! i'll work on it, but i don't know that it will happen in time to do either of us any good.

 

and i know what you mean about affording counseling. i went before the marriage ended and for a few months after, but the cost became too great and was adding more stress than it was relieving. and for what it's worth, i think the people here have helped me more than any counselor ever did, and i am a counselor so .....

 

how much, if any, does your ex take the kids? you will gain your strength back in time, and more. englishrose had a similar situ to yours, i think. she recently posted on how she's doing in the OW/OM forum (but yes, her H did leave her for an OW). i know she's managed getting a lot of her strength back. yours will come to.

 

just give it time, it will happen.

 

izzy

[Mz. Pixie]

B-

 

Gosh, divorce is hard enough without being on the losing end. I know you're angry now and rightly so. I know a bit how you feel. If my H would have kept up his end of the bargain then we would still have been married. I was the one who wanted the divorce, because i was tired of being lonely.

 

Yes, it is hard. In time you will begin to be able to manage on your own and the anger will lessen. I know what you mean about everyone pushing you in each direction. The only thing I can say is, they are upset too and perhaps just reacting out of that feeling.

 

It is important to take care of yourself. When your H has the kids take some time for yourself- don't spend it doing chores or being supermom. Do things that don't cost money. If you like to read then get some books from the library. Take a hot bath. Give yourself a pedicure if the money is not there. Take a sandwich to the park for a picnic. Sleep in! Go to church if you're so inclined!

 

It also helps to think of others less fortunate than you. When I moved out, I had six towels, five washcloths and no dishes or sheets! Eventually I have gotten there! I still don't have alot but I get by! I just saw a TV show on Sunday about a man who's skin fell off. He's suffered everyday of his life and died from skin cancer. He was still thankful to be alive up until the day he died.

 

You CAN do it. Don't let this make you bitter or he wins! Everyone has things in their life to rise above!

 

As a offnote, there are lots of men out there looking for a good woman. I know because I met a few when I was dating after my separation. I met a great guy and I'm about to run off and get married in a couple of days. My life is completely different than it was six months ago- and when you are ready- that can happen to you too! HUGS!

[dgiirl]

There's not much else I can add. I know the pain/anger/confusion you're going through, and it really doesnt help when everyone has an opinion on the situation and freely gives it to you.

 

One thing that I've read in self-help books is if you dont spend the little money/time to pamper yourself now, you _will_ spend a lot in the near future with medical bills. You cant do everything. If you're ever going to be selfish, this is the time to do. Otherwise, you're going to get sick and you wont be any use then. Granted, I'm not a mother, so I realize you have a lot more responsibilites, however your kids are teenagers. They can definitely take care of themselves and in fact it's a good experience for them. Soon they'll be living on their own, so if they get a taste of what the real life is like, they'll be better prepared. I'm not saying abandon them, but some nights they can definitely prepare supper or get to their social events on their own. I use to take the bus to get to places. You're kids can surely do the same. Dont shelter them from real life by driving them all over the place. If you continue being super mom and ignoring your own needs, you're bound to get into some serious health issues in the near future. If this was happening to one of your kids or friends, what would you say to them? Take the time! You deserve and need it!

[debilou]

I feel ya. I'm in the same situation as yourself. It's a terrible place to be.

 

Try self help books from the library.

 

You'll be better soon. This will all just be a memory. The world is full of good people for us to hang with. We just have to open ourselves up to the opportunity.

 

Keep posting. We'll listen and help if we can.

 

Debilou