b52srock Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 As you can see, its 4:30 in the morning and once again, I can't sleep. I'm so tired of not being able to shut my mind down. It would be so much easier if I could. After a year and a half, the marriage is over. Judge will sign final papers this week. Its not what I wanted, not at all, but there's nothing I can do about it. For the past year, all I've heard is how horrible he was to me, how he didn't pay any attention to me, how everyone is so surprised he'd give up his kids for this other woman. I've heard that I'm so much better off without him, that I need to move on, that I'm going to be so much happier on my own. My mother is driving me crazy, telling me one day that I need to quit telling him I'm sorry, and then turning on me the next day, saying that I need to tell him this or that because he has a right to know. One day she says he's a bastard and the next she's telling me she knows he loves me and I need to take responsibility for my part in the divorce. I tried for the last five years to save my sinking marriage. What the hell? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. No matter what, its wrong. I feel like I've been pushed into something that I didn't want by everyone around me. Now I know you'll say I should have been stronger, but when you're bombarded, you start to believe. Even in the deep, dark of the night I knew better, but this little voice told me there wasn't a chance in hell. Well you know what? I'm 42 years old, divorced, with two teens. Not on the top of the list of "I want to date her!", you know? I'm trying to prepare myself for a life alone without the only person I've ever loved, and its damned hard. I now have to raise my children alone and hope to hell I'm doing the right things. People tell me to take care of myself. When? Like I've got all this spare time for bubble baths and pedicures? I have kids to take care of, to drive to softball and concerts. I have a house to take care of and laundry to do. I don't have any spare time, much less time for me. Counselling? Fat chance. One, I can't find the time to go, and two, who's going to pay for it? Sure, it would probably help, but its not as easy as everyone would like to make you think. I know he's gone. I've convinced myself of that. I left the door open for him and he slammed it shut. If he wanted to be with me, if he loved me, he'd be here. He's not here, and that's all the answer I need. I just don't know how I'm going to go on.
MadKurlz Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 I didnt know how I was supposed to move on when my husband walked out on me either. We were married 5 years. No kids. Its like my world was turnedupside down. I cried, and I was depressed, and it feels like no one understands. I tried to keep my mind busy and do things with friends and family, but when I did that, i just wanted to run home and lay in my bed. I decided that I had to take this one day at a time and concentrate on getting thru that one day. Its just too overwhelming trying to think of the future at the moment. You WILL get thru this. Just do it one day at a time. Its going to be 2 years now since he walked out. Im fine without him. Ive been dating. It does get lonely, but with the way the dating scene is out there, You aint missing a thing!
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