Edward1986 Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Hello, I was wondering if I could get some perspectives on a very unique situation. Until last week, I was engaged. We started dating late in 2012, and moved fairly fast. Moved in about a year later, and we bought a house in July of last year. When we walked in the house I had her friends and family on the patio and proposed. She accepted, and we we were to wed October 1st. Two weeks ago, on the 4th of July, she suddenly left. She went to her grandparents an hour away (she's very close to them) and told me she can't marry me. She blamed herself, said she needs professional help, nothing I could have done, it's her lack of communication that did this, she's lost, confused, depressed, etc. Initially I wasn't sure if she meant it or not so I reacted angry (nothing over the top, just "what the are you talking about?" type questions. That was Tuesday night. On Wednesday, she started staying at her dads and I pretty quickly (within a day or so) realized she was very serious. She took clothes, some personal items, etc. While our relationship was like any other and we had ups and downs, I felt like we had been in a pretty good spot lately. I knew the wedding was a stress and she said she thought it was cold feet, but as time went on she just couldn't marry me. Here's a brief timeline of what's happen since the initial "blow it up" that I just mentioned. Wednesday of last week- I told her we could take steps back, figure things out, work together and move forward at her pace. She said she wanted to reach out to me next; didn't know how long it'd be. Friday of last week- She text, asking how I was. We continued to text for an hour or so and it was fairy positive. She said she needs time to clear her head and figure out what she wants and needs. Saturday - More of Friday; we had agreed to talk face to face sometime Monday. Sunday - At her request, I dropped a hair straightener off at her work. The rest of the day: Texting me like everything was ok, but that we were totally friends. Example: SnapChats of a concert she was at with her brother. Monday - We spoke in the evening for about 20 minutes. Similar conversation about needing time, not being sure if she meant everything, etc. Reiterated her need for help. I told her I was already starting to see a therapist and we can go together or she can go. She said she wants until after a trip with her brother to California (hiking), which she's away for a week for, leaving 7/25. She was on the verge of tears, and left. She apologized within an hour and said she wasn't ready to talk yet. Tuesday - Limited conversation. Wednesday - She had briefly agreed to stay back at the house; I told her I would stay on the couch. She changed her mind mid-afternoon, saying she wasn't ready to do that yet. At one point I text her a long text telling her how special she was to me, and she said she was crying. That she doesn't know who she has become. Thursday - My 30th birthday. (Hers is in September.) A happy birthday text in the AM. Some more conversation and an agreement to come over Friday to pick up a couple things and talk. Friday - The talk, which the therapist I started seeing said should focus on her and can not be about me, was mostly me telling her I want a fresh start with her. I was in tears, she was sad. She said she's not ready, and that people can't change in a week; I don't know if she meant me or her. Probably both. Friday evening - She calls me, I apologize for making it about me. She said she knew it was a problem when, during some recent trips I was on (3/4 days, 3 times this spring), she "didn't miss me." Our schedules are pretty opposite so we were used to not seeing each other, and as much as I love her, a few days apart when we'd see each other VERY little as is, I didn't miss her too much either. I knew I'd see her again soon enough. She again said she hasn't had time to miss me because we'd been talking/texting too much. She added that she can't stay yet because she thinks it'll be "too much for me right now", and "Let me do this trip and think" has come out of her moth a dozen times the last week. This weekend - Zero communication. We viewed each other's Snapchats but no other communication. She went out with her her friend and her friends boyfriend last night and was pretty active on Facebook. What in the hell is going on? She's had crazy things happen to her before us that ANYONE else would've got help for but, she never did. I think it's fair to say she's having a bit of a breakdown, but the truth is: I am too. She is my world and my rock and I know I'm not perfect but, I'm a shattered soul right now. I've lost a dozen pounds in a week and I'm not a big guy, my sleep pattern sucks and I can't focus at work. We were talking about kids, already booked our honeymoon, etc. Has anyone been through ANYTHING like this before? Is it over? Is it not? What can I do? What should I do? Help? -Edward
SevenCity Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 I'm in a sort of similar situation. Three things I think it could be: 1) Another guy 2) Feelings she's had all along have bubbled to the surface 3) She's had a mini psychotic break with the pending wedding I think the best thing you can do is move on with your life and give her space. I know not what you wanted to hear, but women running away seldom leads to them returning. 2
Author Edward1986 Posted July 17, 2016 Author Posted July 17, 2016 (edited) Edit: If folks respond I think a popular response may be the "Is there another man?" question. She's been very adamant she'd tell me if there were, and there's not. I don't know what to believe, but I believe her in that. She's also told me repeatedly she "just needs time" and can't figure out what's wrong with her. She's asked me to be there for her but to let her reach out to me, and, she's also told me she's not worth waiting for. We have two dogs together and she LOVES them. They were the ring bearers in our wedding, but, she's had no interest in them at all all of a sudden since this happen. One of her best friends is getting married next week, and she's a bridesmaid. She's not sure if she's going, and her friend isn't sure if she wants her there right now. I think, of the above three options, each one is more likely. I just can't see myself moving on without her. We planted all the seeds for a life together and now it's just been swiped from me. Edited July 17, 2016 by Edward1986
SevenCity Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Don't belive there is no other guy because she said she would say if there is. Every woman says this. There may not be, but you'll find out eventually. I don't like the ignoring the dogs. She's either fell out of love with everything you, or she's gone off the deep end. Either way it's a huge problem.
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Hello, I was wondering if I could get some perspectives on a very unique situation. Until last week, I was engaged. We started dating late in 2012, and moved fairly fast. Moved in about a year later, and we bought a house in July of last year. When we walked in the house I had her friends and family on the patio and proposed. She accepted, and we we were to wed October 1st. Two weeks ago, on the 4th of July, she suddenly left. She went to her grandparents an hour away (she's very close to them) and told me she can't marry me. She blamed herself, said she needs professional help, nothing I could have done, it's her lack of communication that did this, she's lost, confused, depressed, etc. Initially I wasn't sure if she meant it or not so I reacted angry (nothing over the top, just "what the are you talking about?" type questions. That was Tuesday night. On Wednesday, she started staying at her dads and I pretty quickly (within a day or so) realized she was very serious. She took clothes, some personal items, etc. While our relationship was like any other and we had ups and downs, I felt like we had been in a pretty good spot lately. I knew the wedding was a stress and she said she thought it was cold feet, but as time went on she just couldn't marry me. Here's a brief timeline of what's happen since the initial "blow it up" that I just mentioned. Wednesday of last week- I told her we could take steps back, figure things out, work together and move forward at her pace. She said she wanted to reach out to me next; didn't know how long it'd be. Friday of last week- She text, asking how I was. We continued to text for an hour or so and it was fairy positive. She said she needs time to clear her head and figure out what she wants and needs. Saturday - More of Friday; we had agreed to talk face to face sometime Monday. Sunday - At her request, I dropped a hair straightener off at her work. The rest of the day: Texting me like everything was ok, but that we were totally friends. Example: SnapChats of a concert she was at with her brother. Monday - We spoke in the evening for about 20 minutes. Similar conversation about needing time, not being sure if she meant everything, etc. Reiterated her need for help. I told her I was already starting to see a therapist and we can go together or she can go. She said she wants until after a trip with her brother to California (hiking), which she's away for a week for, leaving 7/25. She was on the verge of tears, and left. She apologized within an hour and said she wasn't ready to talk yet. Tuesday - Limited conversation. Wednesday - She had briefly agreed to stay back at the house; I told her I would stay on the couch. She changed her mind mid-afternoon, saying she wasn't ready to do that yet. At one point I text her a long text telling her how special she was to me, and she said she was crying. That she doesn't know who she has become. Thursday - My 30th birthday. (Hers is in September.) A happy birthday text in the AM. Some more conversation and an agreement to come over Friday to pick up a couple things and talk. Friday - The talk, which the therapist I started seeing said should focus on her and can not be about me, was mostly me telling her I want a fresh start with her. I was in tears, she was sad. She said she's not ready, and that people can't change in a week; I don't know if she meant me or her. Probably both. Friday evening - She calls me, I apologize for making it about me. She said she knew it was a problem when, during some recent trips I was on (3/4 days, 3 times this spring), she "didn't miss me." Our schedules are pretty opposite so we were used to not seeing each other, and as much as I love her, a few days apart when we'd see each other VERY little as is, I didn't miss her too much either. I knew I'd see her again soon enough. She again said she hasn't had time to miss me because we'd been talking/texting too much. She added that she can't stay yet because she thinks it'll be "too much for me right now", and "Let me do this trip and think" has come out of her moth a dozen times the last week. This weekend - Zero communication. We viewed each other's Snapchats but no other communication. She went out with her her friend and her friends boyfriend last night and was pretty active on Facebook. What in the hell is going on? She's had crazy things happen to her before us that ANYONE else would've got help for but, she never did. I think it's fair to say she's having a bit of a breakdown, but the truth is: I am too. She is my world and my rock and I know I'm not perfect but, I'm a shattered soul right now. I've lost a dozen pounds in a week and I'm not a big guy, my sleep pattern sucks and I can't focus at work. We were talking about kids, already booked our honeymoon, etc. Has anyone been through ANYTHING like this before? Is it over? Is it not? What can I do? What should I do? Help? -Edward When a person says or shows me that they want space, I become NASA and they can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. And, if they take too long and want to "come back", they may find that they have another problem . . . I don't want them anymore. Aside from that, you asked her to marry you and she accepted. Once that occurs, she is committed to you. The period of evaluating whether or not you are the one is over. The focus now becomes about your future as a couple and the hopes, dreams and aspirations for that life. So, since she may be rethinking this, she's just selfish and doesn't deserve your sympathies. She should be talking to you, telling you what's worrying her, not pushing you away. Sure, people get cold feet, but they should be talking to their partner. Now is the time to starting working on "issues" that come up. She's showing you how she will handle herself in the marriage, I'd say. Tell her to take the time she needs for 2 weeks and there will be no contact between the two of you. Set up a day, time and place to meet again and talk about the situation and whether or not you two will move forward and that you expect confirmation of that meeting by X day. If she fails to confirm or show up, you keep moving. Go NO CONTACT permanently. She is my world -- She may be your world, but she is Lost in Space. Let her float for a while . . . and see how YOU feel later . . . Nobody is "my world", they might be part of it and compliment it, enhance it, but my feet aren't planted on them . . . if they decide to go away, my feet remain planted on the world I've made for myself as a strong, independent, and complete person. 2
SevenCity Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 When a person says or shows me that they want space, I become NASA and they can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. And, if they take too long and want to "come back", they may find that they have another problem . . . I don't want them anymore. Aside from that, you asked her to marry you and she accepted. Once that occurs, she is committed to you. The period of evaluating whether or not you are the one is over. The focus now becomes about your future as a couple and the hopes, dreams and aspirations for that life. So, since she may be rethinking this, she's just selfish and doesn't deserve your sympathies. She should be talking to you, telling you what's worrying her, not pushing you away. Sure, people get cold feet, but they should be talking to their partner. Now is the time to starting working on "issues" that come up. She's showing you how she will handle herself in the marriage, I'd say. Tell her to take the time she needs for 2 weeks and there will be no contact between the two of you. Set up a day, time and place to meet again and talk about the situation and whether or not you two will move forward and that you expect confirmation of that meeting by X day. If she fails to confirm or show up, you keep moving. Go NO CONTACT permanently. She is my world -- She may be your world, but she is Lost in Space. Let her float for a while . . . and see how YOU feel later . . . Nobody is "my world", they might be part of it and compliment it, enhance it, but my feet aren't planted on them . . . if they decide to go away, my feet remain planted on the world I've made for myself as a strong, independent, and complete person. Ouch but yea, that.
spiderowl Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) I'm sorry but it sounds like she wants out of the relationship. No amount of talking on your part is going to change her mind but will only put her under pressure. Actually, I don't believe in people 'wanting space'. Usually it means they are ending the relationship but daren't say it up front because it feels to drastic and because they don't want to hurt the other person. While I don't get the feeling that talking with her will do any good, as she's already physically removed herself from the relationship albeit to get 'space', if you do talk with her you are not going to find out anything about what's really motivating her if you do all the talking and make it about your needs. That will only put pressure on her. If there is any chance of saving this at all, it will be because you remove all pressure and consider her feelings not just your own. However, as she has not agreed to go into therapy with you, it sounds like she doesn't want to make it work. I really feel for you because this is an awful situation to be in. You don't want someone who is not wholeheartedly committed to being with you though. It is best to go through the pain of separation and heal from it, then find a different relationship. I do think that counselling will help you though and maybe help you to avoid this kind of situation happening again. This isn't to say it is your fault - who knows why the relationship has broken down? - it's just that knowing yourself better can only help as far as building a new relationship goes. I am fully aware that that will be the last thing on your mind at the moment as you cope with the very painful feelings of this separation. Edited July 18, 2016 by spiderowl
bubbaganoosh Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Be glad this came out now rather the after the wedding. If her heart isn't in it, there isn't much you can do. If it's me, I tell her that she isn't ready for marriage and move on. She isn't ready for marriage and your going to stay in a rut unless you move on.
Mrin Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I'm in a sort of similar situation. Three things I think it could be: 1) Another guy 2) Feelings she's had all along have bubbled to the surface 3) She's had a mini psychotic break with the pending wedding I think the best thing you can do is move on with your life and give her space. I know not what you wanted to hear, but women running away seldom leads to them returning. Dude it is one of these three things. Be glad you learned about it now. Move along. She's. Head case right now and you're just making it worse. Sorry man
basil67 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 You say that you've had ups and downs but have been in a good place recently. What was the causes of these ups and downs? And isn't it a bit risky to marry someone when being in a good place isn't the normal state of affairs? My money is on her listening to lingering doubts.
DanH Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Don't belive there is no other guy because she said she would say if there is. Every woman says this. There may not be, but you'll find out eventually. .... my ex is maintaining she met a fresh,new man, completely by chance who she's now "seeing" within a week of us splitting. Or as I saw it that morning, cooling off. As time goes on I strongly suspect this to be a lie. Or a very specifically worded version of the truth, sent to me by text (naturally. After 6.5 years and three months before our wedding... !?! ) to absolve her of any wrong doing whatsoever.
Toodaloo Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Edward. I am sorry to say that your situation is not in any way unique. It happens every day. I am also sorry to say that I think she is gone and is not coming back. So what do I think you should do. 1. Pack up her things and drop them off to where ever it is she is living. Clean house. Get rid of it. Do not do it in dribs and drabs get it done and clear. 2. Sort out any mortgages/ leases etc on your home so you can stay there 3. Review your budget and sort out any bills 4. Go get some dog food and take those pups out for a stroll in the sunshine 5. Concentrate on eating properly, keeping a roof over your head, looking after those dogs and doing your job. 6. Ring your friends and make sure you go out and get sociable 7. Stay away from any and all social media for a while 8. Keep up/ revisit any hobbies you have/ had before the relationship that have been put to one side. What I think you should not[b/] do 1. Contact her unless its for legal/ bill purposes and then stick to topic. If she diverts to relationship/ feelings talk tell her you do not want to discuss it and hang up. 2. Stay in and mooch about 3. Wait I know it sounds harsh but if you let this consume you then consume you it will... If you take steps to protect your emotions then you can come out the other end in much better shape.
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