zcallaghan Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 I've been seeing a guy on and off for over a year. Last year we ended things because he didn't want commitment. We didn't see each other for 3 months then started seeing each other again in January. It was totally different from before, where he used to text me through the week to see how I was, it had turned into a once a month drunken bootycall from one of us. After about 3 months of this we both agreed not to see each other. When I say booty call, it was obviously a sex thing but we would stay up all night talking and have breakfast together the following day. This lasted 2 weeks when he reached out again. This time we've been in regular contact for about 2 months and he texts about twice a week. And I've let him be the one to initiate so that I can keep my expectations lower. I'm dating other people or trying to but it seems to be becoming increasing hard to get a date on dating apps! Last time I saw him he suggested going to see a film, he said 'just as mates obviously' but I feel like this would have been a big deal to him as he's never suggested going out other than our first date over a year ago. We had a good night even though I was apprehensive about us doing something together out of the house after so long! I just don't know if I should cut him out and try and move on or whether I should continue as I am and let him lead and initiate and see what happens. And if I do how long should I give him to start moving things forward? Thanks in advance
Redhead14 Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 I've been seeing a guy on and off for over a year. Last year we ended things because he didn't want commitment. We didn't see each other for 3 months then started seeing each other again in January. It was totally different from before, where he used to text me through the week to see how I was, it had turned into a once a month drunken bootycall from one of us. After about 3 months of this we both agreed not to see each other. When I say booty call, it was obviously a sex thing but we would stay up all night talking and have breakfast together the following day. This lasted 2 weeks when he reached out again. This time we've been in regular contact for about 2 months and he texts about twice a week. And I've let him be the one to initiate so that I can keep my expectations lower. I'm dating other people or trying to but it seems to be becoming increasing hard to get a date on dating apps! Last time I saw him he suggested going to see a film, he said 'just as mates obviously' but I feel like this would have been a big deal to him as he's never suggested going out other than our first date over a year ago. We had a good night even though I was apprehensive about us doing something together out of the house after so long! I just don't know if I should cut him out and try and move on or whether I should continue as I am and let him lead and initiate and see what happens. And if I do how long should I give him to start moving things forward? Thanks in advance Stop stringing yourself along. This back and forth thing is a waste of time. And if I do how long should I give him to start moving things forward? -- He's not going to. I can't figure out why you think he will all of a sudden change his mind -- he told you he didn't want commitment. He keeps contacting you because he knows you're so much more "invested" in him and so he can keep manipulating you for sex. lead and initiate and see what happens -- All he's doing is initiating leading you on . . . and you're biting. I've been seeing a guy on and off didn't see each other for 3 months then started seeing each other again Last year we ended things because he didn't want commitment After about 3 months of this we both agreed not to see each other. 2 weeks when he reached out again The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. 1
Zahara Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Give this up. Go out and date. Meet someone that will give you what you desire. This guy is never going to give you what you want. He comes around because he knows you'll be available for sex and company. If after a year he's still telling you he sees you as mate, unfortunately, there you will stay. 2
JewelD Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 If anything more was going to happen between the two of you, it would have happened by now. Unless you want more booty calls, it's time to let him go. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I've been seeing a guy on and off for over a year. Last year we ended things because he didn't want commitment. We didn't see each other for 3 months then started seeing each other again in January. It was totally different from before, where he used to text me through the week to see how I was, it had turned into a once a month drunken bootycall from one of us. After about 3 months of this we both agreed not to see each other. When I say booty call, it was obviously a sex thing but we would stay up all night talking and have breakfast together the following day. This lasted 2 weeks when he reached out again. This time we've been in regular contact for about 2 months and he texts about twice a week. And I've let him be the one to initiate so that I can keep my expectations lower. I'm dating other people or trying to but it seems to be becoming increasing hard to get a date on dating apps! Last time I saw him he suggested going to see a film, he said 'just as mates obviously' but I feel like this would have been a big deal to him as he's never suggested going out other than our first date over a year ago. We had a good night even though I was apprehensive about us doing something together out of the house after so long! I just don't know if I should cut him out and try and move on or whether I should continue as I am and let him lead and initiate and see what happens. And if I do how long should I give him to start moving things forward? Thanks in advance Oh no! You sound nice, really nice. Ok, I'm going to be honest. You deserve more. Whether it's from him or someone else. He may not even consciously be doing it but he's effectively demoted you from what you were at the beginning. He may be trying to ease back in genuinely so that the thought of commitment doesn't freak him out. OR he may be using you as a placeholder. Either way, you are going to earn much respect from letting him treat you this way when you wanted more (and he knows that) but are accepting this now. Ok, anything FWB-ish like was happening before this current period, is not acceptable. Don't do it. I'm not saying it's not acceptable in general. It's just not what you want with this one so don't accept it. I'm serious: laugh him off if he suggests anything like it. Right now, if I understand you correctly you are in a grey zone where he is "stringing you along". *First off, still let him be the one to initiate everything. You want to see the level of his investment. People care much more for things they have to work for. This does not mean being bitchy or rude or hard to get when you do talk to him or see him. Make sure you have a full life and don't drop everything or even rearrange anything to see him. If he f*cks up and doesn't book you (haha), and the next available time you have to see him is over a week away, then that's when you see him. Make sure the plans you have are REAL and if you don't have much going on, get stuff going on!! Not only other dates but any hobbies, anything with your friends, family, anything social. Also even pre-plan your alone time (for beauty stuff, for exercise, for reading, whatever). This teaches you to put yourself first and when you do that it's a vibe other people can feel and are less likely to take advantage of you. Also you will be less likely to see alone time or alternative plans (other than with him) as second best. This is crucial. *Second, if he suggests hanging out as mates again. You need to call him out on that sh*t right away. Don't get angry. Tease him about it. Then if he doesn't retract and explain himself, demote him in terms of time and priority. I would suggest you ONLY see him outside the house. You are letting him skate. I usually don't recommend this because it can backfire but I also think you need to drop some subtle hints of places you went in the days previous, ie with a guy. Don't say "with a guy" or "on a date". Mention the place as it relates into conversation. Such as, if he suggests movies again say "oh yeah, I really want to see that movie, I saw the preview for it on Friday". His mind will start churning as to who you went to the movies with. I have used almost this exact one before to great success. Basically, you want to subtly have him start thinking that other guys are ACTUALLY dating you and treating you better so he will get the idea that he needs to step it up to compete. It makes the threat of losing you real but not confrontation or made up. *Lastly raise your standards. You need to know that 2 texts a week and only in house dates is really not much at all. You deserve much more. And if you want to HAVE more, you are going to have to do the hard work. That means being stricter with yourself. Analyzing and being honest with yourself about whether his behavior is really good enough for you. Do other things to improve your self-esteem. Don't jump to the end as in "getting him" will solve everything, mean everything is ok. Look at what is in front of you today. Don't be afraid to cut ties and explore new people or be alone. Keep dating others very actively and purposely so you can compare their behavior treating you well (even if it's a dorky guy who's not for you) VS. his sh8tty behavior. That will teach you that he is not doing well. And think about this honestly: how would you feel if he was treating a girl who he felt he had to have and was able to step up his game significantly. They all can. It's disappointing if it's not with you so you should be a little angry and insulted inside and demand better treatment through your actions. YOU need to move forward on your actions right NOW. Don't let him decide to "choose" you. Decide you will be the chooser. And be proactive with these steps. Get engaged with your own life. Let him try to figure out a way to fit into it. If he shows you more, then give him a little more in tiny steps. Right now though you need to pull back. If at any point, he does something disrespectful and conversation comes up about commitment, just tell him that based on his actions, it seems like he's not giving 100% so you are going to move forward with your life since you want a relationship minded person. Say you wish him the best and that he's welcome to check back with you if he gets to that point in his life but that you need to do what's best for you now. Of course, it's great if there is some time and space where he has a chance to show you better before anything like this comes up, BUT if it does in any way, address it head on. He's counting on the fact that you won't. Show him he is dealing with a different person than a year ago. Good luck 1
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