Trying to Understand Her - My Complicated Break up Story Continues

[orn428]

This is a long, detailed, crazy story, I have posted it twice so far, but i believe that this is the full picture, at least from my point of view.

 

I appreciate insight on the situation, perspective is always welcome, but please keep things civil if you decide to comment.

 

My ex and i are both fairly young. I am 23, and she is 25.

 

Now, she and I were dating for about three years. For 2.5 of those years we had lived together.

 

I still have a very good relationship with her family.

 

When we were together, my ex and I were good together in a lot of ways. We complemented each other very well, as most tend to do. We never fought, same humor, music taste, lots of things little things that made us good together. We had a genuine connection with each other since the day we met, but I am starting to think that this is where some of the issue may have begun. Since we met, we spent have spent literally almost the entire course of our relationship around each other. The first 6 months of us dating, we saw each other every day, and spent most nights together.

 

We moved in with each other around 7 months of dating. It was great, we were happy, we had a picture perfect life, dog, cat, jobs, and adventure. After living together for about another 8 months, she decided that she was going to move because she was going full force into school, and hasn’t stopped since then. Naturally, I decided to go with her, because I thought what we had was good, and I was in love with her, but I had no real plan for myself aside from tagging along with her.

 

About three months ago, she went on a trip for a program at the school she attends. When she returned, she broke up with me about a week later. I have now discovered that she met a guy on the trip in which she connected with. I also know that she broke up with me because she fell out of love with me this past year.

 

It started out as a “Break” not a breakup, but the lines got a little blurry on that.

 

The “break” up moment was cold, colder that I had ever seen her. She didn’t cry, she looked hollow, and just took whatever emotion I threw at her. She was like this up until the day I left.

 

I admit I had some issues. I dropped out of school multiple times during our relationship, and became somewhat depressed and self-absorbed. I have always had a problem with moving forward with myself.

Eventually I stopped going out with her and spending time with her doing things she liked. When I did I acted miserably. We fell into a predictable routine at home.

 

When she broke up with me, I panicked a bit, so I decided that I would fly back to my home state and recover with family. During my time back home, I focused on myself a lot, and tried to improve myself physically, mentally and spiritually. Picking up new hobbies, meeting old friends and getting myself out of some of my destructive ways of thinking.

 

In the three years we had been together, this was the longest amount of time we had been apart.

 

At a distance, she reopened up to me emotionally somewhat.

 

We resumed contact over the phone, text and email. She and I developed this dynamic in which we would call and talk to each other like we used to, but we tried to cut off a few times when it began to hurt too much.

 

We kept coming back though. Even after a stupid ultimatum of mine that backfired. This cycle repeated a few times, until we stabilized a bit.

 

We both had weak days when we were apart. We broke down to each other at least once during our time away.

 

Multiple times, she expressed interest in possibly trying to fix our relationship, and that out friendship was holding us together. She expressed desire for me to return and start over. Saying things like ...”finding a balance what we used had and what we want the next time around”.

 

Also during my time away, I pursued a well-paying job position in the town we lived in before I left. I accepted it and planned my return. As well as made plans to finally finish my schooling.

 

At some point when I told her about this, she offered to let me come back to our old apartment for a few weeks to get reestablished. I took her up on the offer, and as of writing this, I have been back about 10 days.

 

During my time back, I have learned that she has been dating the guy from the trip on and off, and that they got together very few days after I left. She has also been using dating apps and generally exploring other avenues. This was a struggle to learn, but I’ve managed to get past that at this point for the most part.

 

Now, the dynamic between the two of us has been very strange since I have been back. At first she was excited to see me, and we spent the first few days hanging out. We had fun, and had good times. Then she was distant at times. Almost as if she resented me. Likely an effect of me being back, after she got used to living alone for a bit.

 

A few more days past, and one night she didn’t come home to the apartment. Obviously she went to his place and spent the night. I did not take that well, and couldn’t take it anymore. The next day when I saw her, I attempted to talk about us, which she has been very resistant to talk about whenever “I” would bring it up throughout the entire time we have been in communication since I left, and since I got back.

 

I brought up feelings, and memories, and tried to convince her to give me a chance. She admitted she was seeing someone, and dating around casually, she told me that it was terrifying to her to be dating again, it escalated into something different. It got weirdly emotional for both of us, but she was still somewhat detached. I made a move, and we ended up in bed, and we did it again in the morning.

 

The next day started with us cuddling and talking. We made breakfast and coffee. I had an appointment I had to go to, as I have been trying to find my own place. She made a comment before I left about how it was just sex, with no emotion for her, she asked if that was okay, and what I felt. I told her I would get back to her on that as I left. For me it wasn’t just physical.

She went to work by the time I came back, but she texted me that I had manipulated her into letting me into her bed. I apologized and told her that that wasn’t my intention, I wasn’t trying to take advantage, and that I would rather cut myself out of her life than bring her anymore pain.

 

That night, as an apology, I made dinner, and bought wine. We had a good night. We listened to old songs, a few new ones. We played games. Basically we enjoyed each other’s company that night.

 

The next day rolled by, I had my business to attend, and she worked. I know she’s still dating this new guy, I have more information about it than I should have honestly. I don’t know how much they see each other, but I feel it’s fairly often, but I am not pushing that.

 

Honestly I’ve known she’s been seeing him on and off for a while. She’s a terrible liar, and after three years with her, I can pretty easily. I accept it for right now. At least I can say confidently that she didn't cheat when she was with me.

 

She has had a hot cold reaction to me since I’ve been here.

 

She’s told me she’s seen change in me, and I really have been trying to move forward. I still love her very much deep down, but I am uncertain of what she is feeling, I feel like she twisted inside now. She’s told me so many different things, that I am very confused with how to proceed aside from getting my own place as soon as possible.

 

I am not sure if there is any chance for us or not anymore. I am not sure if I want one. She is almost a completely different person now. There’s little left of the girl I used to know except for this ghost. I don’t know if it was me that did this to her, or if she is just overcompensating for the break up. She’s pushing me out, and pulling me back.

 

This is the strangest and most recent interaction we have had in the past few days. As of yesterday, I found a place to move into, and I am proceeding to do so as soon as I can. I texted her that I found a place to stay, and that I would be out within the next few days. Within a 20 minutes of sending her this information, she calls me, asks if I need a ride back to the apartment, and has lunch waiting for me when I get back. What the hell?

 

From there on, she sat down with me and told me that she was sorry, and that she has been a B-word to me since I had been back. She made a comment about the connection that we had. I told her that this is not the time or the place to talk about that. I responded by agreeing with her about her attitude towards me, as I had been doing nothing but be respectful and try to stay clear of her since our intimate interactions. I wanted to be mad at her, and I was, so I went away for a bit to cool off. I came back and told her that I accept her apology.

 

From there on, we hung out for the rest of the night, but things got bad, again. Who would have guessed? First we worked out together, something we hadn’t done together in a long time. We had fun, and it inspired me to invite her to go to the beach with me for a bit, and so we did. We got some coffee, walked and talked, and it lead to us discussing dinner plans. So we went to the store, got the things that we were craving, along with a bottle of wine… Well, I cooked dinner, we sat on the patio and ate, drank and talked. She told me that she missed having someone around, someone to talk to like me, she told me how dating again was scary, and that she hasn’t found anyone like me to share that connection with.

 

We talked about that for a bit, and then she closed off and we changed the subject. We decided to go watch a show. Before I knew it, she was all over me, like she planned it, she found the time to light freaking candles. She whispered “were gonna regret this”

 

Yea it was a fun night, but when it was over, it was back to the same thing, that it was purely physical for her. No emotion. She asked me to leave the room, and I did eventually, but not without heavily pointing out the fact that she keeps pulling me back. Her, not me. She then told me that she hates me for coming back, and coming back into her life. She told me that she just wants to be alone now. I told she would be soon enough.

 

I am at peace with the emotions I feel. I am at peace with myself, I may lack a little control, but I am leaving here soon, and moving forward.

 

I believe that I truly have changed. I have made drastic changes that I needed to with my life. I’ve given up a lot of destructive habits that were holding me back. I hold myself to a different standard now. I came back stronger than I have ever felt. The break up changed me, but in so many good ways. A big part of me is actually glad it happened, I am moving forward with my life.

 

I don’t regret coming back, or what’s happened between us.

 

At this point I am not sure what to make of her, I still really do love her deep down, and I know the kind of person she is. I could never hate her, but there is a rift. I want to put space in between us.

 

I am done trying to sort out her emotions. She needs to do that on her own, but the hard part is, I know her. Her emotions may tear her apart before she ever comes to terms with them, she may emotionally shut down until she get hurt really badly. The saddest part is, I’ll be there for her when it does. I’m not the person who abandons someone, even if it kills me.

 

She’s got everything in her life sorted out, except for what she feels.

Edited July 17, 2016 by orn428

[spiderowl]

She's blowing hot and cold because although she still loves you, she wants other options and probably does not want a committed relationship with you any more. As long as she thinks she has a choice about whether you would want one, she will not have to face the possibility of losing you altogether. You have already said (to us at least) that you will be there for her regardless. It is clear you love her. You need to love yourself now though and look after yourself. It sounds like you are doing a great job at improving your own situation and prospects which can only stand you in good stead for the future. I would not waste time waiting for this woman, She will only keep breaking your heart.

[Giggles666]

How you are able to do this, and why you are doing it is beyond me. I understand loving someone and not wanting tp let go but it seems as if you might be moving forward even more without being in her life. From her point of view, I see something akin to having her cake and eating it too.

 

Nothing about what is going on with you two sounds healthy. Best of luck to you, I hope you move on and work through this.

[orn428]

As of today, I am saying goodbye.

 

I took a long hard look at what was going on, and it hit me. Literally.

 

We never really said goodbye. By staying in contact, we never took a break to heal by ourselves, so we kept the wound open. It all came out today. For the first time since I've known her, she got almost borderline violent with me.

 

I packed up as much of my crap as I could and I left. I am the root of this behavior, shes wounded still. Having me around again amplified. I have done more harm than good.

 

I've never lost someone like this before. I've never made someone hate me before. It's an awful feeling.

[bubbaganoosh]

What you are to her is a picture perfect plan "B" and if you didn't know that before, you should know now.

 

Get your stuff out of her place and if your smart, delete her phone number and anything on the computer and move on.

 

You can bet the house that she's going to try to contact you again and if she does, well if it was me, I wouldn't reply.

 

The girl is burning the candles at both ends and has her own interest at heart. Your feelings don't mean a thing to her.

 

You said you got yourself a good job so build on that. Earn some money and enjoy yourself and once you unload all this baggage then find a better person. She's shown you her true colors and now you should know that you tried, failed, and tried again and it isn't worth it. Your the one that's taking the beating so stop while you have the chance and move on.

Edited July 18, 2016 by bubbaganoosh