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I discovered I have a tumor and my boyfriend said he won't go accompany me to a MRI

marycc

By marycc
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Shining One Established Member

Shining One

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This is how you'd expect your boyfriend or girlfriend to treat you when you are going for tumour tests?
Yes. If I'm going for a test, I don't expect or require anyone to go with me. If I'm going for a procedure, I will ask someone to accompany me if I don't have any volunteers. I did have an MRI to check for cancer years ago. I went alone. It was exactly like every other MRI I had.
Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

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It's not speculation. She told him it was important to her. She wanted him there. Asked him to come more than once. He said he understood it was important to her but didn't want to spend the money unless he got something out of it.

 

I don't see what isn't clear about this?

 

She asked for his support and he decided it wasn't 'important' enough to be there even though he hasn't got anything else on? He felt €20 was too much to show his girlfriend his support?

 

What you are saying is she should only expect his support if there is an actual procedure involved? You only have to be there if you are under going anesthetic or being cut open? Otherwise you should expect to go alone? Hmmm not really my idea of support but each their own!

 

This is how you'd expect your boyfriend or girlfriend to treat you when you are going for tumour tests?

 

When you have an MRI done you go and get the MR I done at the facility. It takes around 45-60 minutes. The boyfriend can not be in the same room as you during this procedure. Then you leave and go home. Then in 3-7 days you find out from the results either by having a following spot or from a phone call by the doctor.

266696687 Established Member

266696687

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Posted (edited)
Yes. If I'm going for a test, I don't expect or require anyone to go with me. If I'm going for a procedure, I will ask someone to accompany me if I don't have any volunteers. I did have an MRI to check for cancer years ago. I went alone. It was exactly like every other MRI I had.

 

That's your choice. The OP decided she 'wanted / needed' someone there for her as she was scared and wanted support.

 

If you decide you'd rather go alone that's up to you. The point is she asked him to go but he felt €20 was too much to pay just to sit at the hospital for two hours. He wasn't getting anything out of it so didn't want to bother.

 

If you asked your partner to go with you and they said no €20 is too much to spend just sitting in the hospital with you when youve been diagnised with a tumour. You're telling me you wouldn't be offended by that? Even if your partner spends the same amount on computer games?

Edited by 266696687
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Shining One Established Member

Shining One

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If you asked your partner to go with you and they said no €20 is too much to spend just sitting in the hospital with you. You're telling me you wouldn't be offended by that? Even if your partner spends the same amount on computer games?
I'm not sure I can answer this. I would only ask a partner to attend if it were actually important (by an objective, not emotional standard) that she be there. Thus, I'll phrase it in a scenario that applies to me: I'm having knee surgery and I need someone to take me to the facility and take me home afterwards. If my girlfriend said the dollar amount was too high for her to do that, then yes, I would be offended.
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marycc Member

marycc

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It doesn't matter. It could even be an ultrasound. Everyone os different. I told him i'm afraid, told him i would enjoy is company while i'm there and he said the money wouldn't bê worth it. If my so asked me to go with him do an ultrasound because he das nervous, i would go.

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266696687 Established Member

266696687

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I'm not sure I can answer this. I would only ask a partner to attend if it were actually important (by an objective, not emotional standard) that she be there. Thus, I'll phrase it in a scenario that applies to me: I'm having knee surgery and I need someone to take me to the facility and take me home afterwards. If my girlfriend said the dollar amount was too high for her to do that, then yes, I would be offended.

 

Exactly. You would only ASK if it was important to you.

 

The OP asked. Whether emotionally or objectively is irrelevent. She ASKED for his support and he declined over €20?

 

Her boyfriend decided it wasn't important enough to him to be there to support her at the cost of €20.

 

This is the issue.

 

It mattered to her. It mattered enough for her to come here and write a thread about it.

 

He saw the €20 as being more important to him than being at an important test with his girlfriend when she asked him to come with her.

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Shining One Established Member

Shining One

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It doesn't matter. It could even be an ultrasound. Everyone os different. I told him i'm afraid, told him i would enjoy is company while i'm there and he said the money wouldn't bê worth it. If my so asked me to go with him do an ultrasound because he das nervous, i would go.
Different people value different things at various levels, even in relationships. There are things I'm willing to do for my girlfriend that she is not willing to do for me. There are things she is willing to do for me that I'm not willing to do for her. You and your boyfriend have different thresholds for required company on medical matters. Your threshold is "I'm scared" and his threshold is "actual procedure". If this is a deal-breaker item for you, you should break up and put this on your list of requirements for your next boyfriend.
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frus69 Established Member

frus69

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Some people here really don't have sympathy whatsoever. This is MRI for Tumor. We could be talking about cancer. What's so wrong being scared?

Ok let's just say it is not a big deal for you, and if it's gonna cost 2000 for you to fly from the other side of the world then yes I can see why it's unreasonable. But it is only bloody 20 bucks to make her happy! It's not a lot to ask! Seriously so what if you think it's not a big deal ? Can't you just spend 20 bucks to make your gf happy? How selfish is that !

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frus69 Established Member

frus69

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Op, since he apologised I would actually forgive him if I was you

You said he didn't text, did you reply to his good morning text?

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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Personally, if someone I loved asked for my support, I'd be there for them. It wouldn't be about what's important or rational to me but what's important and what it means to them.

 

If this guy isn't able to support you in the way that you desire, then maybe he's not the one for you. I'm not sure how he is towards you in other aspects of your relationship but if he can't compromise and doesn't show you the care you believe you deserve, you'll need to think this relationship through.

 

I had to have an MRI for my back once, my ex at the time offered to go with me just to give me comfort since he knew those things made me uncomfortable because I'm claustrophobic. And even when I said he didn't need to, he showed up at the facility anyway. Then there was the last ex who couldn't meet me at the doctor's when I had a cancer scare.

 

It's up to you as to what you will accept and what you won't.

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SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

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I'm a guy. I don't care if it was a funeral, wedding or graduation. It's his job to be there to support you. If he had a valid excuse (like couldn't get out of work) that's one thing. But 20 bucks is not an excuse.

 

He's a dbag or just doesn't care.

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marycc Member

marycc

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We broke up. I started talking to him about this and he said that I basically deserved this because sometimes during our relationship I'd get insecure about little things that didn't matter (I was insecure mainly because the way I was treated in the relationship before this one) and maybe he started to think more about himself, because everything revolved around my insecurities, so in this situation he thought that he mattered the most. I said that he can't compare things and that even if we had an argument recently I would put that aside and go with him if he needed. He said that he was tired of dealing with those insecurities and the insecurities I have about my health, about doing medical exams and other generalized anxieties, that it got him tired. He kept more than 1 year depressed and lacking motivation, he failed many times when he was doing his master thesis and I kept reading information about how to help him and trying my best to helphim. Then he blamed it on me, he said that he only said that because I wanted him to say it. After that he also started to say that our life was conditioned by my anxieties and I kept asking "how?" and he kept repeating "I don't know, I just feel like it happens", and I said "For example, I refuse to go somewhere or travel somwhere?" and he said "Maybe, I don't know" (It absolutely never happened, actually, it was usually me who would take the initiative to do something). He basically just made that up and it almost seemed like he was trying to make fun of me. I can't believe this, I never thought he was capable of this. Sorry if this was confusing but right now I'm super nervous and crying my eyes out

Edited by marycc
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Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

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Posted
We broke up. I started talking to him about this and he said that I basically deserved this because sometimes during our relationship I'd get insecure about little things that didn't matter (I was insecure mainly because the way I was treated in the relationship before this one) and maybe he started to think more about himself, because everything revolved around my insecurities, so in this situation he thought that he mattered the most. I said that he can't compare things and that even if we had an argument recently I would put that aside and go with him if he needed. He said that he was tired of dealing with those insecurities and the insecurities I have about my health, about doing medical exams and other generalized anxieties. He kept more than 1 year depressed and lacking motivation, he failed many times when he was doing his master thesis and I kept reading information about how to help him and trying my best to helphim. Then he blamed it on me, he said that he only said that because I wanted him to say it. After that he also started to say that our life was conditioned by my anxieties and I kept asking "how?" and he kept repeating "I don't know, I just feel like it happens", and I said "For example, I refuse to go somewhere or travel somwhere?" and he said "Maybe, I don't know" (It absolutely never happened, actually, it was usually me who would take the initiative to do something). He basically just made that up and it almost seemed like he was trying to make fun of me. I can't believe this, I never thought he was capable of this. Sorry if this was confusing but right now I'm super nervous and crying my eyes out

 

 

Im sorry it came to this.

 

Given what you said...I wonder...

 

How much did your anxiety affect the relationship? Are you getting counseling for the anxiety?

 

Your perspective of being the one who decided what to fo could have appeared that way if he gave up deciding because any suggestion he'd make you shot down. ??? As you said about refusing to go somewhere or travel somewhere. When you suggested where to go and travel you expected him to come?

SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
Posted
We broke up. I started talking to him about this and he said that I basically deserved this because sometimes during our relationship I'd get insecure about little things that didn't matter (I was insecure mainly because the way I was treated in the relationship before this one) and maybe he started to think more about himself, because everything revolved around my insecurities, so in this situation he thought that he mattered the most. I said that he can't compare things and that even if we had an argument recently I would put that aside and go with him if he needed. He said that he was tired of dealing with those insecurities and the insecurities I have about my health, about doing medical exams and other generalized anxieties, that it got him tired. He kept more than 1 year depressed and lacking motivation, he failed many times when he was doing his master thesis and I kept reading information about how to help him and trying my best to helphim. Then he blamed it on me, he said that he only said that because I wanted him to say it. After that he also started to say that our life was conditioned by my anxieties and I kept asking "how?" and he kept repeating "I don't know, I just feel like it happens", and I said "For example, I refuse to go somewhere or travel somwhere?" and he said "Maybe, I don't know" (It absolutely never happened, actually, it was usually me who would take the initiative to do something). He basically just made that up and it almost seemed like he was trying to make fun of me. I can't believe this, I never thought he was capable of this. Sorry if this was confusing but right now I'm super nervous and crying my eyes out

 

I know it hurts but this guy is a selfish scumbag and you are better off without him. Someone who loves you will understand your anxiety and support you. Not be bothered by it.

 

He is the definition of selfish. There is no changing selfish people. I know first hand.

 

One day you will be so glad about this. Hang in there until you are.

  • Like 4
longjohn Established Member

longjohn

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Breaking up is the best outcome. Leave the man child in the dust and find yourself an actual man that won't try and blame you for his issues. The guy is an idiot and your life will be better without him in it wasting your time.

PogoStick Established Member

PogoStick

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Objectively, you typically don't get results immediately after an MRI. The scary part is the interpretation and diagnosis. I would not find getting an MRI to be scary or anxiety producing, but I might want support when I am receiving the results.

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bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

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Believe people when they tell you who they are. The guy is selfish and acknowledges this. You're never going to be ok with this. It's not relevant as to whether he loves you or not. He's self-centered and unthinking. Abusive guys apologize all the time. It means nothing. I'm not saying your BF is abusive but I am saying his apology is like any other apology that ultimately doesn't change anything. He is who he is.

Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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I came into this discussion a little late and after reading your first post, my immediate thought was "what a jiggly-puff of a son of a turd!" He made himself clear to me...20 pounds was more important to him than supporting his gf. Let's also make this clear, MRIs are stressful for many people. They are loud, claustrophobic for many and understandably uncomfortable. Anxiety from MRIs is common. I have both personal and clinical/research experience to attest to this fact. The jiggly-puff of a bf was asked to support his gf whom he claimed he loved...but refused. Ack!

 

Another obvious fact is that an MRI to determine the status of a tumor is itself stressful. We're not talking about a knee surgery or some sports injury. The whole trek to an unfamiliar city, MRI, worry over whether the tumor has reared its head again or worse....who the heck would not be anxious?! The bone-head of a bf revealed his true nature...OP, dumping him was unfortunately, right thing to do. I sense if things really got rough, he'd bail on you...not being able to cope, not being able to support you.

 

Good luck and I hope the MRI results come back in your favor!

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