I discovered I have a tumor and my boyfriend said he won't go accompany me to a MRI

July 17, 2016

When I told him, for the first time, that I was anxious about going to another city (where I've been only one time) to have the second MRI done, and that it would be nice to have someone there with me, he said "You can go alone, if you need anything, you can call me". Right now he's on holiday and he would have to spend a bit of money to travel there with me, and it's not much (20€, and just the other day he spent more than that to buy a game). He knows I suffer from anxiety, that I get nervous when I have to have medical procedures like this one done, and that this whole situation has been making me anxious. Then, I was honest and direct with him and told him I'd like him to come with me, and he said "I understood that, but I still don't know if I want to go or not because I don't want to spend money. This is the second MRI you have because of the tumor, and you already did ultrassounds and stuff, if it was a biopsy, it would be different. I would only go with you if we could stay there for more than one day and visit the city or something".

Sometimes I start to think that maybe the problem is me and my anxiety, that I shouldn't be asking him to come with me, that a MRI isn't that big of a deal and I'm being needy and maybe overreacted when I saw his response. However, I know that if he asked me to go with him to an appointment or a medical exam, I would not think twice about it and would just go. There's no way something like "I can't because that means I'll have to spend money "just" to be there with you" would cross my mind. A few months ago he had a simple surgery done, stayed only one day at the hospital, and I travelled there with gifts knowing I could only see him for 2h.

Yesterday he started talking about this and told me he has realized that he was a jerk, that he didn't know it was that important to me (although I told him clearly and especifically that it was, that I was scared and would like him to go with me, and I even repeated myself), he kept insisting that he wanted to go and saying he's sorry (but I thought that if he ended up going with me he would be doing it against his will, I'm afraid he was saying it without really meaning it). He addmited it was selfish of him to think of his money first and even said "the problem isn't that I don't love you, because I do, the problem is that I was selfish". I guess this means he wants to stay with me, and if he wants to stay it's because he loves me, I guess. If not, what was the point in saying that when he could continue telling me that he didn't want to go? I'm sorry for all the questions but i'm really confused and maybe I'm not seeing things as they truly are.. After he told me that, I said to him that I was really confused and hurt and still didn't know if I could forgive him, he answered "okay" and hasn't talked to me since then (yesterday), we only texted "good morning" today. Also, now I'm thinking what if he thinks I deserve this because during our relationship I was very insecure (because of my past relationship) and last week we had an argument for the first time in a long time, but we also solved things.. However, I can't help but feel guilty of this as well.

Anyway, I'm really confused and right now I don't have anyone to talk to, my closest friends are both studying for exams and I don't want to bother them with this. I'd appreciate some feedback and would like to know what you would do in my situation. Should I forgive him and wait to see if he repeats this in the future?

Thanks

July 17, 2016

He is experiencing his own fears and anxiety about your diagnosis. Not everyone is going to jump right in and be a Florence Nightingale. He is scared for you, and a lot is going through his mind how things will be in the future. Not all guys are OK with expressing their fears or feelings. He is doing his best to be strong for you, but he is going to waver from time to time. When you reach out to him, express your feelings, communicate in a nice supportive way. I think you both need to talk more about your illness, the treatments, what is going to happen with the prognosis, etc. The more communication, the better you both with understand each other.

BTW do not hide this from friends and family. You are not being a bother or burden to them....never think less of yourself that way ever. You can come here if you need to talk to someone, this is a supportive community that is willing to help...just remember that. I wish you all the best and a good outcome.

Edited July 17, 2016 by smackie9

July 17, 2016

I'm not really sure what to make of this.

You told him it was important to you for him to come with you. It's not an expensive trip and his immediate response to you was no as he doesn't want to spend money and he'd only come (spend the money if you got to do something useful like visit another city) if it wasn't just for a medical procedure.

I'm sorry but your boyfriends response is that of someone completely and totally selfish.

Most people wouldn't even need to ask their partner to come along they would want to be there for you and would have offered. They wouldn't need convincing or being begged to come along. They would understand your fears and the scary situation you are currently in. I think his initial response should tell you about his character and nature. He is totally selfish. Is this someone you want to be there with you?

I think you should consider taking someone else? A good friend or family member. Your good friends will no doubt volunteer to come with you if you tell them what is going on. Do not feel like telling them or asking them to go with you is a bother. Talk to them.

In this case I would stop worrying about the situation with your boyfriend. Leave him behind and take someone with you who genuinely cares about you and your health. Focus on yourself and stop trying to convince your boyfriend to be a decent and caring human being. He has shown that he lacks something in that area - you explained to him repeatedly and he just didn't get it. Or he did and just didn't care enough to spend €20! Either way it shows a lack of care for you. Considering how serious the situation is I wouldn't take this lightly.

Talk to your friends and get your family involved. Don't miss out on support because you feel you might be a bother, I'm sure they won't see it that way.

July 17, 2016

Do either of you have jobs? Is he having to jeopardize his employment to keep going with you to the doctor appointments?

A couple of disparate thoughts:

Maybe it's because of your anxiety that he doesn't want to go. Is it too much drama for him? Have you ever actively sought professional help for anxiety if that has been a problem for you. Of course, being anxious about a medical condition is normal, but is you are anxious in irrational areas, he probably has had to draw a line at some point. Feeding anxiety with attention does nothing to get rid of it.

MRI isn't anything life-threatening. It's just a scan. I do agree that a man who is devoted to you in a genuine way would be there to support, but it really all depends to what lengths he's been being asked to support and whether it could affect his own livelihood.

July 17, 2016

Sorry to hear about that tumour! *hugs*

Well he changed his mind didn't he? So let him redeem himself and don't push it further. Maybe he underestimated the situation because he's used to you overreacting to different things?

July 17, 2016

I'm not really sure what to make of this.

You told him it was important to you for him to come with you. It's not an expensive trip and his immediate response to you was no as he doesn't want to spend money and he'd only come (spend the money if you got to do something useful like visit another city) if it wasn't just for a medical procedure.

I'm sorry but your boyfriends response is that of someone completely and totally selfish.

Most people wouldn't even need to ask their partner to come along they would want to be there for you and would have offered. They wouldn't need convincing or being begged to come along. They would understand your fears and the scary situation you are currently in. I think his initial response should tell you about his character and nature. He is totally selfish. Is this someone you want to be there with you?

I think you should consider taking someone else? A good friend or family member. Your good friends will no doubt volunteer to come with you if you tell them what is going on. Do not feel like telling them or asking them to go with you is a bother. Talk to them.

In this case I would stop worrying about the situation with your boyfriend. Leave him behind and take someone with you who genuinely cares about you and your health. Focus on yourself and stop trying to convince your boyfriend to be a decent and caring human being. He has shown that he lacks something in that area - you explained to him repeatedly and he just didn't get it. Or he did and just didn't care enough to spend €20! Either way it shows a lack of care for you. Considering how serious the situation is I wouldn't take this lightly.

Talk to your friends and get your family involved. Don't miss out on support because you feel you might be a bother, I'm sure they won't see it that way.

First of all, thank you som much for answering! I found someone else to go with me. However, right now I don't know if I should forgive my boyfriend or not.. He kept saying he was sorry and insisted that he wanted to go, but I'm afraid he would do it against his will, just for the sake of going, so I don't really know what to do about our relationship

July 17, 2016

Hang on a minute, you have a tumor you have to go for an MRI and your "boy" friend is saying he won't go yet spent more on a computer game? It sounds like he lacks discipline and needs a good sore kick up the arse. You need to find yourself an actual man not this eejit. I can't think of any of the men I know that wouldn't automatically go and offer to drive you there. This should be anybody that cares about you, first thought not.. oh it'll cost me X amount for a taxi, bus, fuel etc.

Life isn't easy on any of us at times but sometimes we suck it up and do what needs to get done and deal with everything else afterwards. Sometimes we put others before ourselves because it's the right thing to do.

July 17, 2016

How can he even compare his money problems to what you're going through right now? Who does that?

You would probably be better off without him.

July 17, 2016

Hang on a minute, you have a tumor you have to go for an MRI and your "boy" friend is saying he won't go yet spent more on a computer game? It sounds like he lacks discipline and needs a good sore kick up the arse. You need to find yourself an actual man not this eejit. I can't think of any of the men I know that wouldn't automatically go and offer to drive you there. This should be anybody that cares about you, first thought not.. oh it'll cost me X amount for a taxi, bus, fuel etc.

Life isn't easy on any of us at times but sometimes we suck it up and do what needs to get done and deal with everything else afterwards. Sometimes we put others before ourselves because it's the right thing to do.

I understand what you mean, I felt really hurt with his attitude. The thing is: He said he's sorry and realized he was being a selfish jerk, and kept insisting he wanted to go with me. If he didn't love me/care about me, why would he said that? However, he hasn't talked to me since yesterday, when I told him I still didn't know if I could forgive him, he only texted me good morning today (and it's already 8 P.M here).. this makes it seem like he's not interested. This why I can't make up my mind

Edited July 17, 2016 by marycc

July 17, 2016

Sounds like you're not getting what you're putting into this relationship. You didn't hesitate to go see him in the hospital but he's got an excuse to not see you?

And he knows you're mad at him but he's not calling/texting to resolve it anymore?

Personally, I wouldn't put up with that because it's so serious of an issue. I don't know how long you guys have been together, but I probably would have asked a family member to go with me from the jump. I don't like people who hesitate to do something kind for me when I don't hesitate to do it for them. and he seems to be conscious of how selfish he is, so you can expect more of that if you decide to forgive him and stay with him.

July 17, 2016

Oh gosh, I feel for you. Selfishness from a partner is not fun. Trust me, I've lived to tell the tale.

The trouble with selfishness is that it affects the ability to love. At least love them properly as the other person is never put first. Ever.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a terrible time. Take someone to your scan who you know really loves you and will suport you. Also, sounds like its your turn to be selfish. Think of you, your needs and let him go.

Don't marry him. Read my story. Marriage to a selfish man is no fun at all.

July 17, 2016

First of all, thank you som much for answering! I found someone else to go with me. However, right now I don't know if I should forgive my boyfriend or not.. He kept saying he was sorry and insisted that he wanted to go, but I'm afraid he would do it against his will, just for the sake of going, so I don't really know what to do about our relationship

The problem is he didn't come through for you when you needed him. That's the underlying issue here. You couldn't rely on him in a serious situation to be there for you. He acted selfishly and will continue to do so if you stay with him.

When he realized you were mad about it and he risks losing you he is back tracking. Too little too late in my opinion.

If he comes with you now you will never believe he is there because he wants to be. He told you he didn't want to come two or three times. He is acting selfishly now too. He knows he is at risk of losing you so is doing what he thinks he should rather than what he wanted. He clearly didn't want to come. You gave him ample opportunity.

The fact he isn't talking to you now sounds a bit like a manipulation to me too. He is waiting for you to talk to him normally and forgive him. The silence from him is no doubt making you want to reach out to him to 'sort' things out. He is waiting for you tell him he can come with you or that he doesn't have to come but you forgive him. He is waiting for you to make the moves. I wouldn't bother.

Take care of yourself. Leave this guy behind. You don't need someone like that 'looking out for you' because he is only interested in himself and what he wants.

July 17, 2016

I have a different opinion on this....

If I am rolling you...you already had rests that confirmed this is a tumor. Now you have to go and get a 2nf MRI done. It happens at the same time he is on vacation elsewhere. Prior to this he didn't know about your tests.

To go and get a test done ( to treat cancer or not) the person should be able to fo this on their own. The only time this would be the case is if they were incapable of getting there on their own.

I dealt with this with my ex wife where she wanted me to go with her to all her doctor appts, even routine appts. Her appointments would cause me to mis time at work which caused problems and I has my own set of doctors I had to see without her bringing me.

If this was instead something more major like a cancer treatment or a surgery, then that would be different.

Another factor in this...if the OP didn't have this anxiety come up on a shopping trip to one store she wanted to go to and was fine to accomplish then she shouldn't have an issue here. If the anxiety comes up then it's something else she needs yo address.

July 17, 2016

The problem is he didn't come through for you when you needed him. That's the underlying issue here. You couldn't rely on him in a serious situation to be there for you. He acted selfishly and will continue to do so if you stay with him.

Getting an MRI DONE IS NOt a SERIOUS situation

July 17, 2016

Sometimes I start to think that maybe the problem is me and my anxiety, that I shouldn't be asking him to come with me, that a MRI isn't that big of a deal and I'm being needy and maybe overreacted when I saw his response. However, I know that if he asked me to go with him to an appointment or a medical exam, I would not think twice about it and would just go. There's no way something like "I can't because that means I'll have to spend money "just" to be there with you" would cross my mind. A few months ago he had a simple surgery done, stayed only one day at the hospital, and I travelled there with gifts knowing I could only see him for 2h.

Sounds like you're not getting what you're putting into this relationship. You didn't hesitate to go see him in the hospital but he's got an excuse to not see you?

There's a significant difference between a MRI and a simple surgery. I have dated women with various medical issues over the years. I accompanied them to any actual procedures, but I did not attend any tests. I helped with any sort of recovery process as well.

July 17, 2016

I have a different opinion on this....

If I am rolling you...you already had rests that confirmed this is a tumor. Now you have to go and get a 2nf MRI done. It happens at the same time he is on vacation elsewhere. Prior to this he didn't know about your tests.

To go and get a test done ( to treat cancer or not) the person should be able to fo this on their own. The only time this would be the case is if they were incapable of getting there on their own.

I dealt with this with my ex wife where she wanted me to go with her to all her doctor appts, even routine appts. Her appointments would cause me to mis time at work which caused problems and I has my own set of doctors I had to see without her bringing me.

If this was instead something more major like a cancer treatment or a surgery, then that would be different.

Another factor in this...if the OP didn't have this anxiety come up on a shopping trip to one store she wanted to go to and was fine to accomplish then she shouldn't have an issue here. If the anxiety comes up then it's something else she needs yo address.

Erm. Think you need to re-read the OP's post. He isn't on vacation when her test is due.

He told her he didn't want to come because it cost €20 and it wouldn't be worth spending that money unless they were going to visit the city at the same time. He said this even though he buys computer games costing more than €20.

He said he didn't know if he wanted to go.

He isn't away on vacation and doesn't have a reason other than the €20.

If this isn't the ultimate selfish act I don't know what is.

He didn't say he has to work or that he has important plans. He just doesn't want to pay €20 unless he gets something out of it like sight seeing in the city.

July 17, 2016

I'm honestly torn about this. I've had health problems my entire life (was born with a heart condition) and I have had countless tests run on me to the point where they are routine for me. When I was with my ex the ONLY time I asked him to be there was for a specific heart procedure because I would be under general anesthesia and I knew I'd want to see him when I woke up. I had countless CT scans (can't have MRIs because I have metal in my body) and I never asked him to be there for those because it really isn't a big deal.

But then I read your story, OP. All this medical stuff is new to you. Of course you're scared. You have every right to be and of course you want your guy with you. But in reality an MRI is not a big deal. You can face that on your own, and in fact it's a good thing to face on your own. Not to mention that this is a second MRI. You can do this.

I also have to wonder about your support system. You cannot rely 100% on your boyfriend. That's not fair to him. I would suggest you expand your support system because there will be times that he CAN'T drop everything to be with you or that he's emotionally exhausted and needs a break and that's okay.

July 17, 2016

I'm honestly torn about this. I've had health problems my entire life (was born with a heart condition) and I have had countless tests run on me to the point where they are routine for me. When I was with my ex the ONLY time I asked him to be there was for a specific heart procedure because I would be under general anesthesia and I knew I'd want to see him when I woke up. I had countless CT scans (can't have MRIs because I have metal in my body) and I never asked him to be there for those because it really isn't a big deal.

But then I read your story, OP. All this medical stuff is new to you. Of course you're scared. You have every right to be and of course you want your guy with you. But in reality an MRI is not a big deal. You can face that on your own, and in fact it's a good thing to face on your own. Not to mention that this is a second MRI. You can do this.

I also have to wonder about your support system. You cannot rely 100% on your boyfriend. That's not fair to him. I would suggest you expand your support system because there will be times that he CAN'T drop everything to be with you or that he's emotionally exhausted and needs a break and that's okay.

She has someone else going with her now.

The point is she wouldn't have asked him to come to this appointment if she didn't feel she needed someone there. Which clearly she does as she's got someone else to go with her now.

There is a big difference between going for routine medical test and tests for tumors etc. i don't think she is being unreasonable expecting him to come with her.

No one is saying he should go for every test. The point is she asked him to come for this one and he decided €20 wasn't worth it as he'd only go if he got something out of it like visiting the city.

July 17, 2016

I understand what you guys are saying, that the MRI isn't such a big deal, I get it. I'm actually more relaxed now. But in that moment I was feeling scared and I asked him if he could come with me and he basically said it wouldn't be worth it to spend 20€ just to be there by my side for 2 or 3h, only if it was convenient for him and he could benefit from it. And no, he's not working, he's free at home right now. I don't know, maybe I felt so hurt by it because if it was ME, it's absolutely impossible that I would think about the money, I'd be more than ready to go and be there for him.

And now the thing that is bothering me the most is the fact that he hasn't talked with me since yesterday, after he apologized, when I told him I'm very hurt and still don't know if I can forgive him. It feels weird to me, I think I was expecting him to show a tiny bit of interest, to show me that he cares about our relationship. In my prespective, if he hasn't said anything since then, it's because maybe he doesn't care if we break-up or not... but I could be wrong, so I'm looking for advice

Edited July 17, 2016 by marycc

July 17, 2016

I understand what you guys are saying, that the MRI isn't such a big deal, I get it. I'm actually more relaxed now. But in that moment I was feeling scared and I asked him if he could come with me and he basically said it wouldn't be worth it to spend 20€ just to be there by my side for 2 or 3h, only if it was convenient for him and he could benefit from it. And no, he's not working, he's free at home right now.

And now the thing that is bothering me the most is the fact that he hasn't talked with me since yesterday, after he apologized, when I told him I'm very hurt and still don't know if I can forgive him. It feels weird to me, I think I was expecting him to show a tiny bit of interest, to show me that he cares about our relationship. In my prespective, if he hasn't said anything since then, it's because maybe he doesn't care if we break-up or not... but I could be wrong, so I'm looking for advice

Mary I completely agree with you. You have every right to be angry. You're allowed to be hurt by his behaviour. I think anyone in your situation would be.

He is selfish. Completely and totally.

It's ultimately your choice whether you stay with him or not and only you can make that decision.

In my opinion if he didn't come through for you even when he understood how important it was to you then he won't come through for you in any situation unless he is getting something out of it.

July 17, 2016

Erm. Think you need to re-read the OP's post. He isn't on vacation when her test is due.

He told her he didn't want to come because it cost €20 and it wouldn't be worth spending that money unless they were going to visit the city at the same time. He said this even though he buys computer games costing more than €20.

He said he didn't know if he wanted to go.

He isn't away on vacation and doesn't have a reason other than the €20.

If this isn't the ultimate selfish act I don't know what is.

He didn't say he has to work or that he has important plans. He just doesn't want to pay €20 unless he gets something out of it like sight seeing in the city.

Reread yourself..."right now he is not on a holiday..." In the first paragraph. That is being held n vacation that I've seen said by people from Australia and England.

Also didn't say anything if he has a job...sometimes he can't leave his job. So that is being selfish by the OP.

It's an MRI..not surgery or biopsy or more serious test.

He also may be factoring in the fact he would also need to be paying for her. Unsure how tight his budget is.

July 17, 2016

In my opinion if he didn't come through for you even when he understood how important it was to you then he won't come through for you in any situation unless he is getting something out of it.

This is speculation. Her boyfriend implied he would attend if it was something more serious, like a biopsy. This makes sense because a biopsy is an actual procedure involving anesthesia and cutting, not just a scan in a big machine.

This is the second MRI you have because of the tumor, and you already did ultrassounds and stuff, if it was a biopsy, it would be different.

July 17, 2016

I understand what you guys are saying, that the MRI isn't such a big deal, I get it. I'm actually more relaxed now. But in that moment I was feeling scared and I asked him if he could come with me and he basically said it wouldn't be worth it to spend 20€ just to be there by my side for 2 or 3h, only if it was convenient for him and he could benefit from it. And no, he's not working, he's free at home right now. I don't know, maybe I felt so hurt by it because if it was ME, it's absolutely impossible that I would think about the money, I'd be more than ready to go and be there for him.

And now the thing that is bothering me the most is the fact that he hasn't talked with me since yesterday, after he apologized, when I told him I'm very hurt and still don't know if I can forgive him. It feels weird to me, I think I was expecting him to show a tiny bit of interest, to show me that he cares about our relationship. In my prespective, if he hasn't said anything since then, it's because maybe he doesn't care if we break-up or not... but I could be wrong, so I'm looking for advice

Why are you so scared about an MRI?

How has he been with other appts you have had?

July 17, 2016

This is speculation. Her boyfriend implied he would attend if it was something more serious, like a biopsy. This makes sense because a biopsy is an actual procedure involving anesthesia and cutting, not just a scan in a big machine.

It's not speculation. She told him it was important to her. She wanted him there. Asked him to come more than once. He said he understood it was important to her but didn't want to spend the money unless he got something out of it.

I don't see what isn't clear about this?

She asked for his support and he decided it wasn't 'important' enough to be there even though he hasn't got anything else on? He felt €20 was too much to show his girlfriend his support?

What you are saying is she should only expect his support if there is an actual procedure involved? You only have to be there if you are under going anesthetic or being cut open? Otherwise you should expect to go alone? Hmmm not really my idea of support but each their own!

This is how you'd expect your boyfriend or girlfriend to treat you when you are going for tumour tests?

July 17, 2016

Reread yourself..."right now he is not on a holiday..." In the first paragraph. That is being held n vacation that I've seen said by people from Australia and England.

Also didn't say anything if he has a job...sometimes he can't leave his job. So that is being selfish by the OP.

It's an MRI..not surgery or biopsy or more serious test.

He also may be factoring in the fact he would also need to be paying for her. Unsure how tight his budget is.

It actually says "he is on holiday" meaning he is not at work at the moment.

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I discovered I have a tumor and my boyfriend said he won't go accompany me to a MRI

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