Should I end it for my own sanity? [update: After 7 years it's over for good]

[NopeNah]

So we are supposed to get together this Saturday. She has been saying she is working hard to finish all her school work so she doesn't have any distractions (she has been nuts with school and travel for work). I have a nice date planned as this will be the first time we've been out since the breakup let alone on a weekend.

 

I spoke with her earlier in the week because she had a particularly bad day (and I think she had her period too). Bad idea. That ended up with her bringing up hurt from the past - specifically me looking at other women and not telling her enough she is beautiful. Also pointing out how I was the one to end things (I felt I had no choice at the time). I implored her to judge me on my actions now, not in the past. Logic, yea that works with women....

 

After prying, she said part of her feels it's too late and the other part wants to get back together. She was very upset that I told her I've gotten used to her not being here - not that I like it, but it's been two months how could I not. She retorted with she still makes actions as if she was here with me.

 

I assumed she was going to spend the night Saturday but when I brought it up she freaked out. Not about sex, about spending the night. We text constantly about sex with each other and have had it the 3 or 4 times we've gotten together.

 

My gut is telling me it's not about someone else. It's about her being terrified of hurt again and we are civil now and can walk away amicably (which won't be the case).

 

On the other hand, I feel like she's slipped into a routine where she still has me in her life (and her stuff at my house and a key) and texts me good morning and goodnight and during the day but isn't in with both feet. I made it clear that I want to marry her.

 

I think I've become too easy. I was responding quickly to her texts and making myself available. Since we spoke last, I've been letting hours pass between replies (like she has been but she's actually very busy). I noticed since that she is not always waiting until I reply to send another. She actually asked if everything was ok this morning.

 

I hate to play games but I'm nearing the end of my patience. I'm willing to give it until Labor Day and feel we have to be in a better position by then or I will have to take more drastic measures.

 

She acts sometimes like she's done but then acts like we are back together. I do want to marry her but there is only so much I will try. If not for the sex I would be done by now. But because we are 3 hrs apart it makes it difficult to reconcile since we agree that if we do try again she wouldn't move back right away (I think this would be too much too soon as well).

 

Just looking for a sanity check on my plan. 2 months has gone by and she is still upset about the past - I worry she won't get over it ever. When we see each other it is blissful and for days after, but that wears off and her fear and doubts come back in.

 

I feel like if I completely cut her off and had her move out that she might realize what she is missing and would want to come back. It's risky though because it could backfire.

 

I'm trying to get a squirrel to take a nut from my hand. But my arm is getting really tired

I'm sorry,but DAMN!!! This seems like a lot of work! To me a relationship shouldn't be this complex.. I understand that feelings,past hurts,mistakes,ect take some work to get past/through,but at this point it's like you're jumping through hoops.. I,myself, couldn't do it(at least not at this point in my life). Good luck to you this weekend,but don't let her just walk over you unless you want your "NEW" relationship to be just that..just my opinion.

[SevenCity]

I'm sorry,but DAMN!!! This seems like a lot of work! To me a relationship shouldn't be this complex.. I understand that feelings,past hurts,mistakes,ect take some work to get past/through,but at this point it's like you're jumping through hoops.. I,myself, couldn't do it(at least not at this point in my life). Good luck to you this weekend,but don't let her just walk over you unless you want your "NEW" relationship to be just that..just my opinion.

 

I hear you. I've never done this before and I will never do it again.

 

The only reason why is I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'm literally one month away from when I was going to ask her to marry me. That and the breakup was something neither one of us wanted. She obviously still has feelings for me.

 

Things have progressed further every time we have seen each other but her schedule hasn't allowed much time (and she's driven 3 hours each way each time).

 

I agree and refuse to become a pussy to her. I hurt her but I'm getting to the point where either get over it or end it.

[SevenCity]

Hey Guys,

 

I haven't posted about my situation in a while but I figured I would share my experience for anyone who may find it helpful and to get things off my chest. And as a reminder to my future self that this was the official end of my relationship with the women I planned to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Background

 

• I'm 44, ex-gf is 41 (both divorced). We dated for almost 7 years and she lived in my house for the past 2.5 - 3 of the RL
  
• For 5 years everything was great - we had a connection with each other that neither of us have ever shared with another person. We both grew as people
  
• In the past 1 - 1.5 years she has been doing an online MBA program, had family troubles / deaths, issues with work which caused us to drift apart due to lack of time together and communication
  
• In June she left the house for hers in another state and told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to continue the relationship. I took that as her not telling me it was over and I ended it
  
• Everyone I spoke with said I overreacted so I tried to patch things up for the past three months as I had been planning to ask her to marry me in September
  

Past Three Months

 

• She was extremely hurt and didn't want to try reconciliation at all. I chased her for 3 weeks and got no results so was ready to end it
  
• We spoke on the phone where I planned to end the reconciliation and something changed - she seemed to want to try
  
• We saw each other about 6 - 7 times in the past three months. We had a lot of passionate sex every time we saw each other, she bought me stuff, sent me care packages, told me she loved me, talked about having a kid one day, talked about moving away together
  
• I saw her two weeks ago and she spent the night for the 2nd time in the past 3 months. She said what a wonderful time she had - how everything was so great and felt so comfortable and familiar, how she loved waking in my warm embrace. We went shopping, holding hands, just a great time.
  
• I asked her about getting together this weekend - I was planning on buying a ring and asking her to marry me
  

Tuesday

 

• I texted her telling her I missed her and asked about getting together this weekend citing what a great time we had the last time (every time) we got together. She responded with "I miss you too - let's talk tonight"
  
• We spoke on FaceTime about BS at first, then I asked about this weekend. She finally said that she can't get past the hurt of the past (referencing how she has caught me looking at other women and never felt I loved her as much as she loved me).
  
• She said how I'm able to get past things but she is not at this point and it's not fair to either of us. How she knows she will regret this decision one day and it will probably be too late at that time as she feels I would have moved on.
  
• I said I do not like the decision but I respect her and understand it was difficult. But now we have to move her out of my house. I also told her about my planned proposal - she was in shock and asked why would I do that? I said "Because I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to know how serious I am if you still have any doubts". It did not change her mind.
  
• She is coming by tomorrow with a truck to move out her belongings.
  

As for me? I'm a mess. I love this woman with all my heart - the only reason I tried to reconcile. I never have and never will do that with another woman ever again. She was worth the effort to me...we were worth the effort. Our problems were fixable.

 

 

I've been trying to look at the positive - at least I have my answer and will no longer be in limbo. I can now move on with my life knowing that we are no longer going to be together. That said, I have not been doing well. I've lost about 30 lbs. from lack of appetite since this started. I've been trying to work out and make other positive changes though. I know the road I am on will be long and difficult but I hope to emerge out the other side a better man.

 

 

People tell me it's better that I can walk away knowing I tried everything - with no regrets. Perhaps I will feel that too one day but for now I wish I had just walked away when I broke it off. I know she still loves me and I think the guilt of putting me through this has gotten to her. If she had lost feelings I would be able to deal with it much better, a breakup when two people still love and care about each other is something I have never experienced.

 

What I've learned

 

• Never chase a woman - EVER. It only works in the movies and never works in real life.
  
• If you have to walk, walk and never look back - you are only extending the pain
  
• Don't become complacent in a RL. Treat them in year 7 how you treated them in year 1. Don't ever stop dating a woman
  
• Communicate - if she is bothered by something pull it out of her. It will come out eventually along with everything else she had bottled up. Better to get it out of her when it happens because it will fester and grow like cancer
  
• There is typically not one thing you did to make your woman leave you (except things like hitting them or cheating). Rather, it is little things overtime that build up until the scales dip against your favor
  
• Don't make a woman your entire life - as much as they may complain deep down they do not want to be your purpose. Also, it makes it much harder to move on when your identity is now gone.
  

It has been 10 years since my last bad breakup and I am not looking forward to this pain / disrepair. I know eventually I will get past it - but it's anyone's guess as to how long it will take.

 

 

I've changed a lot over these past three months. I feel that I grew into a better person. I no longer look at everything as black / white and have made serious changes in my personality to be more outgoing and understanding of others.

 

 

I am going to help her pack / move on Saturday - I don't know if I'll be able to do it without crying my eyes out though - I hope I will be. I will thank her for the wonderful times we shared together and tell her if she ever feels she made a mistake and is able to get past her pain to reach out to me if she really wants us back. Don't automatically assume that I would not be open to it at the time.

 

I want to take a different approach with her and not slam the door in her face. I'm sure people will flame me here for that but she is the type of person that would rather live the rest of her life in misery than to call me and hear me say "Sorry, I've moved on". Part of me feels that she has not had the time or space to heal from the initial breakup or to really know what life will be without me.

 

Then, I will officially move on with my life. I plan to setup online dating profiles and see what is out there. I know, I'm not ready but for me this is the best way for me to move on.

 

Please wish me luck during this time. I wish everyone who is going through a breakup the same

[Toodaloo]

I have just finished with my latest beau.

 

He got out there far too fast. He isn't over his ex and its still a really messy situation.

 

For the sake of people like me please wait until you are over your ex. Its really not fair to folks like me...

 

Good luck. Hurts like hell doesn't it.

[PinkPampies]

Awe. Good luck to you.

 

Just leave it on the table for her that you still want her back. Maybe after she's gone for a while, she will realize that your relationship is certainly salvageable and will come back.

[aloneinaz]

The good news is you've been through a bad break up before so you know how to navigate through it. After reading all that, you have to know there's no future there with her. In fact, I was surprised that you even considered a proposal after all the drama and her moving out.

 

Personally, I really believe in a few months of NC w/her, you will recognize your glad it's over. Relationships should not be that hard or difficult, especially when you're not married. Those were all compatibility red flags you've been dealing with these past few months. Feel good that you didn't get married and after to go through another divorce down the road.

 

If you truly want to get over her and move onto your next chapter, you need to SLAM the door shut for any further conversation w/her. The relationship is done, over, kaput. Having further conversations will on extend the pain, drama, BS and inhibit your healing and feeling better.

[SevenCity]

Awe. Good luck to you.

 

Just leave it on the table for her that you still want her back. Maybe after she's gone for a while, she will realize that your relationship is certainly salvageable and will come back.

 

Thanks Pink. It's not something I'm counting on but feel its better than eliminating the possibility.

[SevenCity]

The good news is you've been through a bad break up before so you know how to navigate through it. After reading all that, you have to know there's no future there with her. In fact, I was surprised that you even considered a proposal after all the drama and her moving out.

 

Personally, I really believe in a few months of NC w/her, you will recognize your glad it's over. Relationships should not be that hard or difficult, especially when you're not married. Those were all compatibility red flags you've been dealing with these past few months. Feel good that you didn't get married and after to go through another divorce down the road.

 

If you truly want to get over her and move onto your next chapter, you need to SLAM the door shut for any further conversation w/her. The relationship is done, over, kaput. Having further conversations will on extend the pain, drama, BS and inhibit your healing and feeling better.

 

 

I hope I will be glad it's over in time but only time will tell me that. I'm sure you can understand that as it is happening right now it's hard to see that. The past breakups I don't think will help me at all. The pain from them is still there (though not as much of a factor) and still a part of me.

 

But the more you go through them the less faith you have that things will ever work out with anyone ever. Every one of them is different as well. When my ex-wife left our 10 year RL I was a bit bummed out for a few days. When a girl I dated for one year left it took me two years to get past it. You never know - none are the same

 

I too am glad this happened before we got married. I don't plan to have conversations with her at all. I plan to make it clear to ONLY contact me if she is past everything and really wants this back. That may never happen but I don't want to be like my old immature self and say "FU don't ever talk to me again". I feel like this is being an adult.

 

If at some point she reaches out and feeds me breadcrumbs I will treat it as such and not respond.

[whatnot]

Been there, done that. 7 years.

 

I'm no Dear Abby....just a Vegas bookie on love connections.

 

The odds of a marriage between the two of you are remote.

 

If you don't propose, you'll make her feel worse. If you propose, you'll make her skeptical. If you don't propose, you'll feel worse. If you do propose...you'll feel worse.

 

you're screwed.

 

Next case...I'm running late.

 

Good luck

[SevenCity]

Been there, done that. 7 years.

 

I'm no Dear Abby....just a Vegas bookie on love connections.

 

The odds of a marriage between the two of you are remote.

 

If you don't propose, you'll make her feel worse. If you propose, you'll make her skeptical. If you don't propose, you'll feel worse. If you do propose...you'll feel worse.

 

you're screwed.

 

Next case...I'm running late.

 

Good luck

 

Not sue if this was supposed to be helpful or humorus but it was neither.

[Miss Peach]

Speaking as a woman, if a man was with me for seven year I would question whether he really wanted to marry me. Couple that with being so quick to break up and I would get the message you just weren't that into me.

 

I would be in a similar position to your woman. Part of me would still have feelings but part of me would be skeptical of what was going on. Both those things by themselves would be enough to give me pause and to question the situation. Add in you are dangling a carrot (marriage) I would be like her wondering how sincere it was.

 

I think I've become too easy. I was responding quickly to her texts and making myself available. Since we spoke last, I've been letting hours pass between replies (like she has been but she's actually very busy). I noticed since that she is not always waiting until I reply to send another. She actually asked if everything was ok this morning.

 

I hate to play games but I'm nearing the end of my patience. I'm willing to give it until Labor Day and feel we have to be in a better position by then or I will have to take more drastic measures.

 

She acts sometimes like she's done but then acts like we are back together. I do want to marry her but there is only so much I will try. If not for the sex I would be done by now.

 

IMO this isn't the time to be a challenge. She wants evidence that she can trust the relationship and you are there yourself with both feet it. If you start analyzing this and pulling back, if I were in her shoes, I would let you walk and then think you really weren't that sure of me and wasted my time.

[SevenCity]

Speaking as a woman, if a man was with me for seven year I would question whether he really wanted to marry me. Couple that with being so quick to break up and I would get the message you just weren't that into me.

 

I would be in a similar position to your woman. Part of me would still have feelings but part of me would be skeptical of what was going on. Both those things by themselves would be enough to give me pause and to question the situation. Add in you are dangling a carrot (marriage) I would be like her wondering how sincere it was.

 

 

 

IMO this isn't the time to be a challenge. She wants evidence that she can trust the relationship and you are there yourself with both feet it. If you start analyzing this and pulling back, if I were in her shoes, I would let you walk and then think you really weren't that sure of me and wasted my time.

 

My old thread was merged - see the update on the prior page.

 

I did everything I could to convince her for three months and she ended it. There is nothing more I can do now. I understand you / her feeling like that - I do. However, she never once said anything to me. I can't read minds.

 

What I don't understand is marriage is supposed to be forever. If you are in a committed RL living with someone, what is a year later than you expected? Perhaps this is me being a guy, but I don't understand. Especially if she confirmed that you were planning on proposing in a few months.

[Bialy]

Wow. I read through the entire thread. So it turns out both of our situations ended miserably and not in the way we were hoping at all.

 

I'm a few weeks ahead of you - EDIT: Scratch that. Yours actually ended around the time mine ended.

 

Hang in there. Breakups are the absolutely worst. At the same time, though, they're not as bad as feeling in limbo and on unsteady ground.

Edited September 13, 2016 by Bialy

[SevenCity]

Wow. I read through the entire thread. So it turns out both of our situations ended miserably and not in the way we were hoping at all.

 

I'm a few weeks ahead of you - EDIT: Scratch that. Yours actually ended around the time mine ended.

 

Hang in there. Breakups are the absolutely worst. At the same time, though, they're not as bad as feeling in limbo and on unsteady ground.

 

I haven't been here in a while - I'll have to look up your thread.

 

I agree, as miserable as I am at least I have a direction now. Tough thing is she keeps saying "Maybe we'll get back together one day". I know she's got some demons to work out (insecurity) but I have to operate as if she's never coming back. It's hard though.

 

Good luck to you as well.

[Bialy]

I haven't been here in a while - I'll have to look up your thread.

 

I agree, as miserable as I am at least I have a direction now. Tough thing is she keeps saying "Maybe we'll get back together one day". I know she's got some demons to work out (insecurity) but I have to operate as if she's never coming back. It's hard though.

 

Good luck to you as well.

I actually never updated my thread. It was such a bizarre twist that I figured I'd spare everyone the details.

 

I would tread carefully and definitely move forward, if I were you. Don't allow her to string you along emotionally - or physically.