Should I end it for my own sanity? [update: After 7 years it's over for good]

[SevenCity]

Hi all, Looking for advice....

 

Long story short (as possible), my live in gf (2 years living together, 7 years total) left for her house in another town which she had done before (check on things, family, etc) no fight or anything.

 

I called the next day (we talk 2x day when she goes back) and asked when she was coming home and she said she's not sure. This spiraled out of control into me finally saying I wasn't going to wait around for her to make up her mind so I ended it (because that has alway been what it meant in the past with other women and I was completely beside myself with shock and anger). After calming down and speaking to a friend who knows her he said this was likely her way of trying to reach out and I overreacted. Agreed. I was a jerk.

 

So I left her a vm the next day to tell her as much (thinking text was too impersonal). She didn't get the message and sent me a text a few days later asking if she could get her stuff so I responded with what I had left in the message.

 

She was taken aback due to not getting the VM (I'm not the type of guy who changes direction like this) and we talked, and talked. The root of the issue was she didn't feel I loved her as much as she loved me and felt the RL wasn't going anywhere (unbeknownst to her I was planning on asking her to marry me). In my defense, I was giving her space because she had been super stressed out (to the point of snapping) due to work and starting graduate school a year or so ago. Things were not as great since she started school but we had a phenomenal relationship the years prior and whenever she would get a break. I figured things would get better once she was done in 6 months.

 

So I tried to show her how much I cared after the breakup, against my better judgement - most online sources say to do the opposite, but I figured it was the right thing to do. I was completely honest about how much I cared and why I hadn't shown it and the effect on me of us not being as close as we were.

 

More than that however, I realized where we went wrong. It was the lack of communication. We weren't telling each other how we felt and ended up hurting each other in the process.

 

She ended up coming over and we talked and had sex... twice. It was mind blowing for both of us. Not awkward after either...it was like it was before - we held each other for hours and talked about the situation (and our prior lack of communication). All the I love you's, I missed you's from both sides, her saying I was the best thing that ever happened to her in her life, etc. She said she missed the look I was giving her for so long. We also joked and laughed which was surprising given the circumstances.

 

Then she came over again a week later (we have been texting back and forth in between). Same thing again but even better to both our amazement. She ended up staying 2 hours longer then she had planned.

 

Before she left, we agreed to talk about the RL in a few weeks once she was done with finals and work travel but she still wanted to stay in touch. So I'm doing the adult thing and not pushing her and waiting it out. It's been tough for me because all I want to do is get her back and marry her. On the other hand, I'm in limbo now not knowing what is going to happen. It's driving me pretty nuts at times....most times... but I'm Joe Cool when we communicate and she actually noted she has never seen me this happy when we last met up.

 

I know this isn't a friends with benefits situation, but it could be her holding onto the good but too afraid to jump back in for fear of the bad and having to go through this again. The problem is I can't do this forever. I either have to move forward with her or without her (as terrifying as that sounds to me). It will be about 1.5 months from the start to when she is done with finals and I really feel I have to draw a line in the sand at that point.

 

In the mean time she continues to text me and I respond with lite banter not bringing up the RL at all. I know she is going through a lot in her life right now and I respect that. Meanwhile, I'm dying inside not knowing what the future holds.

 

So, I'm just looking for opinions. Do I just bite my tongue and wait it out hoping for the best? Do I do something more aggressive like not responding to her for a day or so to let her miss me and think about things (bearing in mind it was my lack of apparent affection that seems to have caused this)? Or something more drastic like not having sex the next time we meet?

 

The reason why I want this to work so bad is I have never connected with someone on this level (and I have been with my share of women - which has caused feelings of inadequacy and jealousy on her behalf; she always felt she wasn't as attractive as the girls I dated in the past - but she is the most beautiful person I have ever met - inside and out). I have grown during our separation and realized mistakes I've made and signs I've missed. I know that we could have a life changing marriage if she is willing to give it a chance.

 

I don't want to not have her in my life, but the pragmatist in me realizes I will never be able to move forward until I have a conclusion - good or bad.

[CarrieT]

Okay, I read through this several times to get the gist.

 

For starters, the fact that you mention she is going through finals means that you are both really young. Way too young, pragmatically, for you to be so concerned about establishing a future when at least she is still in school.

 

Secondly, you are jumping from having a dysfunctional relationship and not being able to communicate well to considering marriage? No..... That will never work.

 

Thirdly, OP, you are all bent out of shape wanting to know the future. Well, I'm afraid life doesn't work like that. You CAN'T know how things are going to work out.

 

All you can do is be the best person you can and improve your communication skills for starters. The fact that you got so bent out of shape and ended a relationship on a whim because she didn't "make up her mind" in time to suit you - only to go through all the drama of reconnecting and "mind blowing sex."

 

The bottom line is that she is planning on graduate school and that changes people beyond what you can conceive. She needs to get through that before even considering a marriage. You nailed it with "The root of the issue was she didn't feel I loved her as much as she loved me and felt the RL wasn't going anywhere (unbeknownst to her I was planning on asking her to marry me)."

 

Honestly, a girl should be secure enough in a relationship to believe that marriage is on the horizon. The fact that she didn't speaks volumes that this is not a solid relationship.

 

Scale it back, my friend. You aren't ready and she isn't ready. You are both too immature for marriage.

[bummer]

Hmmm.

 

So you blow up when she goes to check on her house like normal and says she doesn't know when she'll return? No fight per se, but I'm having to read deep between the lines here.

 

Ages?

 

Was it strained before this incident? No sex, "roommates" situation, spending more time at school late, bitterness, bickering? You say since school its been rocky?

 

Why did you snap if it was normal for her to leave? Are you a jealous type? Has she dated much at all?

 

Does she have a job near you when she finishes? Is the school near you or her place?

 

Do you have a job and secure lifestyle?

 

no past infidelity or major breakups? Just slow and steady until now?

 

Why set a deadline on love? This feels like the tension is much longer lived than you describe...

 

Man, so the romantic in me, given you say she just felt less love from you, says to stick to your nice guy routine assuming she will move back in after finals. Enjoy the renewed love during her break and propose before she heads back to school. Work on your communication.

 

But the sceptic in me is screaming. Sorry. If you could clarify somethings, we can chime in more clearly.

[SevenCity]

Okay, I read through this several times to get the gist.

 

For starters, the fact that you mention she is going through finals means that you are both really young. Way too young, pragmatically, for you to be so concerned about establishing a future when at least she is still in school.

 

Secondly, you are jumping from having a dysfunctional relationship and not being able to communicate well to considering marriage? No..... That will never work.

 

Thirdly, OP, you are all bent out of shape wanting to know the future. Well, I'm afraid life doesn't work like that. You CAN'T know how things are going to work out.

 

All you can do is be the best person you can and improve your communication skills for starters. The fact that you got so bent out of shape and ended a relationship on a whim because she didn't "make up her mind" in time to suit you - only to go through all the drama of reconnecting and "mind blowing sex."

 

The bottom line is that she is planning on graduate school and that changes people beyond what you can conceive. She needs to get through that before even considering a marriage. You nailed it with "The root of the issue was she didn't feel I loved her as much as she loved me and felt the RL wasn't going anywhere (unbeknownst to her I was planning on asking her to marry me)."

 

Honestly, a girl should be secure enough in a relationship to believe that marriage is on the horizon. The fact that she didn't speaks volumes that this is not a solid relationship.

 

Scale it back, my friend. You aren't ready and she isn't ready. You are both too immature for marriage.

 

Thanks for the reply. We are not young we are in our 40s and she is completing a graduate program (old people like us sometimes go to school too)

 

I would not call our relationship dysfunctional. We did have issues which I believe can be addressed. Prior to school we spent time together and talked about everything. It was once it got started and she had further pressures from work that it went down hill.

 

I'm the type of guy who wants to fix things (I know - typical guy) and would get frustrated when I saw how stressed she was and there was nothing I could do (or so I thought). In a nut shell, I assumed she wanted to be alone to deal with things (as often guys need to do) but she took it as me not understanding. Meanwhile, I though that's what she wanted.

 

Couple that with me not proposing made her feel that the RL was not going anywhere. None of which I found out until after.

 

I know breaking it off was a bad thing to do but you have to understand that any time I heard that in the past it meant "I decided not to be with you but don't have the balls to say it yet".

 

So your advice is to just wait and see?

[SevenCity]

Hmmm.

 

So you blow up when she goes to check on her house like normal and says she doesn't know when she'll return? No fight per se, but I'm having to read deep between the lines here.

 

Ages?

 

Was it strained before this incident? No sex, "roommates" situation, spending more time at school late, bitterness, bickering? You say since school its been rocky?

 

Why did you snap if it was normal for her to leave? Are you a jealous type? Has she dated much at all?

 

Does she have a job near you when she finishes? Is the school near you or her place?

 

Do you have a job and secure lifestyle?

 

no past infidelity or major breakups? Just slow and steady until now?

 

Why set a deadline on love? This feels like the tension is much longer lived than you describe...

 

Man, so the romantic in me, given you say she just felt less love from you, says to stick to your nice guy routine assuming she will move back in after finals. Enjoy the renewed love during her break and propose before she heads back to school. Work on your communication.

 

But the sceptic in me is screaming. Sorry. If you could clarify somethings, we can chime in more clearly.

 

Thank you for the reply. As stated above, I reacted feeling she was breaking it off and not telling me. We are in our 40s. I'm not the jealous type. We are both divorced and I have dated more than her but she has dated in the past

 

I have a job and am established - same as her. She is able to work remotely so when we decided to move in it made sense for her to come to my house. We are both professional adults.

 

No breakups or infidelity at all. We've had some disagreements where we didn't speak for a day or two. I don't like to yell and scream (my childhood home was all that) so I tend to shut down until I've calmed down. In the 7 years I can count on both hands how many times we fought - not a lot at all and usually over stupid stuff. Sex slowed down a bit but didn't stop. We weren't bitter or angry at all. Just hurt because we did not understand other's point of view (which came out afterwards). She had also made up a lot of assumptions that weren't true about what I felt (like I didn't).

 

The deadline is for my sanity. I don't want to put my life on hold waiting for someone to determine if they want to be with me only to say they don't. I know, I can't tell the future (grrr) but I'm pulling from my past life experiences. Checking my phone every hour hoping it's her is not good for my mental well being.

 

Everything I read says you have to keep your pride and move on with your life. I am trying to do that but I don't want to move on (ie: date other girls) unless I am sure she does not want me back. I know how I am and the guy I've been in the past with other women but I respect this girl too much to hurt her by moving on if there is still a chance for us.

[SevenCity]

To be clear, the tone wasn't "I'm not sure when im coming back - probably in a few days" it was "I'm not sure if im ever coming back".

 

That's why I reacted the way I did.

[tndawg]

Communication is ALWAYS an issue in ANY relationship. You have said you have talked a lot since the incident. Have you let her know yet of your intentions or are you holding that close to your chest? Do you think she is holding out because you haven't asked her to marry you? 7 years is along time, especially at your ages.

[SevenCity]

Communication is ALWAYS an issue in ANY relationship. You have said you have talked a lot since the incident. Have you let her know yet of your intentions or are you holding that close to your chest? Do you think she is holding out because you haven't asked her to marry you? 7 years is along time, especially at your ages.

 

Yes, we talked...a lot. Everything was said, my feelings, my intentions to marry her, her feelings, her hurt in the past, my hurt...everything.

 

It was after that we saw each other again (and we did talk more as well). She has a lot going on (to the point of only 4 hours of sleep per night) and we both agreed to talk about the RL in 3 weeks (2 now I guess). It was emotionally draining to talk so much about things so we just wanted to enjoy each other's company (which we did). We also realized it was better to talk in person rather than on the phone about things.

 

She wanted to stay in touch for the three weeks (which has been only though text) and we have reminisced about the recent sex, old memories from the RL, and a lot of matter of fact stuff (how's your day, etc.). I try purposely not to bring up the RL during this time but we have both slipped with the "I love yous" and "I miss yous".

 

What's interesting is we never had these communication issues before she started this program. It was only after her dedicating so much time that we drifted apart (emotionally, we both wanted each other but I misunderstood what she wanted and she didn't feel comfortable asking).

 

The optimist in me says she just needed to clear her head and evaluate, the realist in me feels that anyone willing to risk the loss of a RL doesn't want to be in it.

 

So I'm sitting here in limbo waiting for a decision. Part of me wants to move on with my life and tell her to move out (she has a lot of stuff at my house), the other part is hoping this break was a good thing because it made us realize we have to communicate better and will lead to a stronger RL.

 

The problem is I am back and forth one day to the next like a crazy man. The other day a girl was smiling at me and ogling me and I thought "There are other women out there - I don't need this". Then I thought "If I can work it out with my ex I don't want anyone else".

 

I have a connection (physically, emotionally, spiritually) that I have not had with another woman in my life and I don't think I will get that again. I don't want to give up on it but I don't want to be a sucker waiting around to see if someone wants to be with me. That's why I feel once this time is up I have to either get back or move on.

[SevenCity]

Edit - I should add that she felt "Why now and not before?" to a lot of the stuff I said and did. I think part of her, at least initially, thought this was me acting only in fear of losing her. Meanwhile, it is how I felt all along but didn't feel we were in the right place to show it as I had in the past.

[SevenCity]

Back looking for advice on my current situation - hopefully someone has advice. I am trying only to put relevant info so thank you for reading.

 

I'm a man in my 40's, dating girl in her 40's for 7 years. We lived together (we both own our own homes) for 2 years and I was going to ask her to marry me in the fall. Over the past year she has been doing an online MBA program and it caused us to drift apart. We didn't fight but weren't as close due to the time dedicated to the program. We both wanted to be close but didn't communicate. I wanted to give her space as I thought that is what she wanted.

 

She left for her house the first week of June (which she has done often). When I spoke to her the next day she said she's not sure when she was coming home (and her tone made it sound she wasn't sure if she ever was). I reacted to this as a breakup and told her I wasn't going to wait around for her to make up her mind.

 

Speaking with friends led me to believe I over reacted. I reached out to her apologizing and showing her how I did care (which she cited as the main reason for her mixed feelings). Since then we have gotten together and had passionate sex and talked about the issues in the RL.

 

The last time we met up we agreed to speak about the RL in 3 weeks (after finals for these classes) which is now. We have stayed in touch through text. Usually a couple times a day. Here's some of the stuff she has said / done over this time that makes me feel we have a chance:

 

- she loves me / misses me

- after the last sex encounter: "I've waited so long for that look you are giving me.", "You promise you would never leave me for someone else"

- Sent me my favorite chocolates with a note saying how she appreciates everything I've done over this time of us not being together and we really do care about each other"

- She noted she had a complete breakdown and didn't go to work the week we broke up (I left her a vm the day after that she didn't get until the weekend)

- Said "everything I've been saying / doing over this time is what she's wanted but a part of her questions why now and if I'm sincere"

- Said "I think of you every morning wondering if you got up on time for work and every night hoping you had a good day and are getting enough sleep"

- Bought me food for the week last time she came by

 

I should note, prior to this program we had a great RL. Full of communication, love, caring and passion.

 

For me, I have been miserable. I want her back and realized where we went wrong, but holding onto hope that we will get back together seems worse than if we end it for good. I can't move forward without a direction and I'm not getting any indication one way or the other. Or rather I feel like I'm getting indications of both.

 

She has a lot of stuff she would need to get a moving truck to move out of my house.

 

We were supposed to meet up this week but said she has to travel for work and we could talk on the phone this week (which we haven't done since we met up as we found in person communication was better) and then get together next week.

 

I'm at the end of my rope. This is the girl I wanted (want) to marry and I doubt I will find anyone who is as good a match (and I'm being realistic - I've been with / dated many women in my time and never felt like this about someone despite being in love before). I don't want to have it over but I don't want to be in limbo anymore. Looking at my phone to see if she texted every 5 minutes like a teenage kid.

 

On her side. She obviously still cares about me. She has a ton going on between work and school and is up late and early trying to keep up. She's also had some medical problems lately which prompted two separate visits to the hospital. That said, she has never once said she wants to get back or that she wants to end it.

 

So my question - how do I proceed? Is it fair for me to ask her what she is thinking about the RL despite all she has going on? Do I force the issue? Do I just tell her I can't wait and end it?

 

I would wait for her if I got some positive reassurance that she wanted to make an effort to work things out. I don't however want to be a standby guy waiting around as someone's second choice if she finally realizes things aren't as great without me.

 

A huge part of me feels she is overwhelmed right now and scared to come back only to have it fail again. The other part makes me feel like she lacks the balls to say it's over.

 

Please help and thanks for reading.

[Rupert]

My advice, as if you have a chance, you need to be all in or all out at this point. This is almost identical to my current situation. She was looking to me to lead and push it, and I was stationary.

[mg101]

What's the issue? You have agreed to discuss after the program is over right? So go ahead and do that now. Did I miss something?

[SevenCity]

Thanks for the replies. We spoke today for 2 hrs. The bottom line is she felt she loved me more than I loved her which was not the case. I did not show my feelings as I used to due to her school situation (but I loved her the same).

 

She said I broke her heart and she never wants to be in a RL like we had because it hurts too much. If I can summarize she is acting as if I cheated on her (which I never have and told her that).

 

She still loves me but has brought all the hurt to the surface and is not sure if she can let go of it (her words). Much of this hurt is in her mind and jealousy of my previous RLs (you did this with her but not me). I'm defending my behavior in RLs from 7 years ago before I met her. It's nuts.

 

She is stopping herself from getting in a gf/bf situation (like spending the night- but sex was ok go figure).

 

She's not the FB / FWB type and we both expressed our love for each other but she's not sure if she can get past the hurt. I'm scared too but despite her acting crazy to me we are a fantastic match and I want to marry her.

 

She's worried if she gives it another shot she will be hurt again.

 

I've asked her to go out on a date and she said she'll have to think about it.

 

I've never had a situation like this where I feel like I cheated and have to win trust back. Nor have I ever tried to get a girl back. But I love her and there is a part of her (though afraid) that wants to come back. If she was done she would have said so by now and moved out.

 

So what do I do? I've extended the olive branch and am awaiting her to make up her mind. I know she's torn due to her fears and bad feelings from before (most of which she made up in her head).

 

It's like I'm trying to use logic against emotion.

[SevenCity]

My advice, as if you have a chance, you need to be all in or all out at this point. This is almost identical to my current situation. She was looking to me to lead and push it, and I was stationary.

 

Thanks Rupert. Can you tell me more about your situation?

[pianomanwoman]

If I were you, I would propose to her anyway. What do you have to lose? If she says no, then you can have the closure you need. She may sense things are getting heavy, but why would she send you chocolate? She loves you. Good luck!

[SevenCity]

If I were you, I would propose to her anyway. What do you have to lose? If she says no, then you can have the closure you need. She may sense things are getting heavy, but why would she send you chocolate? She loves you. Good luck!

 

Thanks. One thing I don't want to do is propose to her and make her feel I was doing it just because of the breakup (which is a concern she expressed). I don't want to make any huge scary moves until she has come a bit farther.

 

Also to be pragmatic, I'd feel real dumb if I dropped my planned $16k-$20k on a ring and get a no

[Emem]

Thanks. One thing I don't want to do is propose to her and make her feel I was doing it just because of the breakup (which is a concern she expressed). I don't want to make any huge scary moves until she has come a bit farther.

 

Also to be pragmatic, I'd feel real dumb if I dropped my planned $16k-$20k on a ring and get a no

 

Yes, we talked...a lot. Everything was said, my feelings, my intentions to marry her, her feelings, her hurt in the past, my hurt...everything.

 

It was after that we saw each other again (and we did talk more as well). She has a lot going on (to the point of only 4 hours of sleep per night) and we both agreed to talk about the RL in 3 weeks (2 now I guess). It was emotionally draining to talk so much about things so we just wanted to enjoy each other's company (which we did). We also realized it was better to talk in person rather than on the phone about things.

 

She wanted to stay in touch for the three weeks (which has been only though text) and we have reminisced about the recent sex, old memories from the RL, and a lot of matter of fact stuff (how's your day, etc.). I try purposely not to bring up the RL during this time but we have both slipped with the "I love yous" and "I miss yous".

 

What's interesting is we never had these communication issues before she started this program. It was only after her dedicating so much time that we drifted apart (emotionally, we both wanted each other but I misunderstood what she wanted and she didn't feel comfortable asking).

 

The optimist in me says she just needed to clear her head and evaluate, the realist in me feels that anyone willing to risk the loss of a RL doesn't want to be in it.

 

So I'm sitting here in limbo waiting for a decision. Part of me wants to move on with my life and tell her to move out (she has a lot of stuff at my house), the other part is hoping this break was a good thing because it made us realize we have to communicate better and will lead to a stronger RL.

 

The problem is I am back and forth one day to the next like a crazy man. The other day a girl was smiling at me and ogling me and I thought "There are other women out there - I don't need this". Then I thought "If I can work it out with my ex I don't want anyone else".

 

I have a connection (physically, emotionally, spiritually) that I have not had with another woman in my life and I don't think I will get that again. I don't want to give up on it but I don't want to be a sucker waiting around to see if someone wants to be with me. That's why I feel once this time is up I have to either get back or move on.

 

SevenCity, I had that connection and I lost it and I am miserable. Please give your relationship another chance. Talk and talk and talk and be thoughtful and kind and don't propose yet, but do lots of small, sweet things for her. Nothing huge to scare her off but enough to make her realise that she is loved and secure.

[Art_Critic]

It seems to me that she is making you stew for a while..

 

Something to think about, just like you had the girl oogle you and you wondered if you should just move on she is also in the same position.

 

She certainly has had other guys come onto her and she is looking at that as well wondering if you are worth it or if she should move on.

 

The idea that she would just move out of the couple residence speaks volumes to me, do you want to be with someone who resolves their conflicts by leaving ?

 

I would play the game she is playing right now and see if you can see what is up, she is certainly using the schooling/finals as an excuse.. maybe she is dating others right now.. I know.. she told you she isn't... so be prepared for anything.

 

In reality all you have is her word, well she moved out..

 

I'm sure proposing to her would make her take things into a new perspective but she may still say no if you aren't getting the whole story and she is looking at spreading her wings with another instead of building something with you.

[SevenCity]

SevenCity, I had that connection and I lost it and I am miserable. Please give your relationship another chance. Talk and talk and talk and be thoughtful and kind and don't propose yet, but do lots of small, sweet things for her. Nothing huge to scare her off but enough to make her realise that she is loved and secure.

 

It's difficult to do so when she is in another state. The phone conversations are almost non existent but we tend to text everyday. I've been trying to look at things from her perspective but I must admit I'm running thin on patients.

[SevenCity]

It seems to me that she is making you stew for a while..

 

This is exactly what it feels like. Like I am being punished.

 

Something to think about, just like you had the girl oogle you and you wondered if you should just move on she is also in the same position.

 

Agreed.

 

She certainly has had other guys come onto her and she is looking at that as well wondering if you are worth it or if she should move on.

 

I wonder this as well. I'm not so naive that I don't think it is a possibility. What I wonder is if there is someone else why she wouldn't tell me. But we all know how women can be.

 

The idea that she would just move out of the couple residence speaks volumes to me, do you want to be with someone who resolves their conflicts by leaving ?

 

Absolutely not. The caveat is that she hasn't moved out. She still has a ton of stuff here that she would want to get (like a moving truck worth). She's picked up small stuff she needed the two times we got together but hasn't moved out per se and was happy when I she asked if she should give back the key and I said no. This breakup all seemed to come out of nowhere for both of us. Prior to this last year we communicated about everything. We have spoken about the RL more over the past few weeks than we have in the past year

 

I would play the game she is playing right now and see if you can see what is up, she is certainly using the schooling/finals as an excuse.. maybe she is dating others right now.. I know.. she told you she isn't... so be prepared for anything.

 

I'm prepared for that but I fear I won't find out. I'm not going to hire a PI or stalk her (she's too far away to do that and I have better things to do). The type of person she is (or at least was) could not hold onto guilt for this long and not show some signs of it. I've been with many women who can and she never was that type. That said, lying to me would be the end and it would come out eventually.

 

In reality all you have is her word, well she moved out..

 

I'm sure proposing to her would make her take things into a new perspective but she may still say no if you aren't getting the whole story and she is looking at spreading her wings with another instead of building something with you.

 

It's not her wings I'm worried about her spreading . She asked to come over again next week for a few hours (last two times we had sex 2x). I know that she misses me and can see the look in her eyes when she is here and in how she is acting she obviously still loves me. Part of me wonders if she is just trying to build up trust with me again and the other part of me wonders if she is just weening herself off on her timetable (which would be some F'ed up S in my book).

 

I know women are emotional. But if a normal woman's emotions are a bullet my ex'es emotions are a hydrogen bomb. The fact that she keeps on coming back to see me (have sex) but not committing is messing with my head. I will admit that every time we have sex I feel like things will get better and get more attached and hopeful. I can only guess what's going on in her mind. Is she doing it because the sex is good or because she is dealing with her inner turmoil and getting lost in the moment?

[SpringAngel83]

Communication is so important! It seems that was lacking before and why she decided to leave. She didn't feel loved anymore. Don't play games now and "not call her" or "don't have sex next time." These are silly games! Be open, be honest, be vulnerable, and tell her how you really feel. That's what you want from her too, right?!

[SevenCity]

Communication is so important! It seems that was lacking before and why she decided to leave. She didn't feel loved anymore. Don't play games now and "not call her" or "don't have sex next time." These are silly games! Be open, be honest, be vulnerable, and tell her how you really feel. That's what you want from her too, right?!

 

It is. And I've not been playing games other than trying not to respond to her texts in milliseconds like I've been doing (she allows time to go on between responses).

 

The thing is the poster above could be right. She could be with someone else weighing her options and not telling me. If I knew for sure I would be out. But I did trust her so unless I have proof I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt. I have to trust her if we are to get married.

 

I guess her coming to see me can be read as trying to work things out but until I get the "I want you back" I'm taking a huge risk.

 

If it were anyone else other than her I wouldn't even try. And this will be the last time too. Never again will I put myself through this for anyone.

[Sunkissedpatio]

- she loves me / misses me

- after the last sex encounter: "I've waited so long for that look you are giving me.", "You promise you would never leave me for someone else"

- Sent me my favorite chocolates with a note saying how she appreciates everything I've done over this time of us not being together and we really do care about each other"

- She noted she had a complete breakdown and didn't go to work the week we broke up (I left her a vm the day after that she didn't get until the weekend)

- Said "everything I've been saying / doing over this time is what she's wanted but a part of her questions why now and if I'm sincere"

- Said "I think of you every morning wondering if you got up on time for work and every night hoping you had a good day and are getting enough sleep"

- Bought me food for the week last time she came by

 

This ^ does not sound like a woman who is looking to play the field and see what else is out there. This sounds like a woman who is very much in love with you and has genuinely convinced herself (some of it her own insecurities) other parts based on your actions, that she was more invested than you were.

 

She still loves me but has brought all the hurt to the surface and is not sure if she can let go of it (her words). Much of this hurt is in her mind and jealousy of my previous RLs (you did this with her but not me). I'm defending my behavior in RLs from 7 years ago before I met her. It's nuts.

 

 

What kinds of things are you having to defend that she feels you did with other women and not her? Ask them to marry them? Be extra demonstrative and doting? It is nuts you should defend what you did with others in your past but why is this even a topic of conversation or comparison?

 

 

She is stopping herself from getting in a gf/bf situation (like spending the night- but sex was ok go figure).

 

She's not the FB / FWB type and we both expressed our love for each other but she's not sure if she can get past the hurt. I'm scared too but despite her acting crazy to me we are a fantastic match and I want to marry her.

 

She sounds very confused, like she wants you but is afraid of getting sucked in again and getting hurt.

 

She's worried if she gives it another shot she will be hurt again.

 

What is it that you have done in the last while that has hurt her so much? is it the notion that she thought you would have proposed by now and haven't?

 

 

So what do I do? I've extended the olive branch and am awaiting her to make up her mind. I know she's torn due to her fears and bad feelings from before (most of which she made up in her head).

 

It's like I'm trying to use logic against emotion.

 

Well you need to figure out what you have done to hurt her and fix that. Extending an olive branch to out on a date doesn't seem like enough, that seems pretty casual and non-committal and I get that you are trying to work at her pace but don't listen to her pace right now she wants you to fight for her and show her in actions that you want her, really REALLY want her.

Think

(we are all romantics at heart)

 

Have you told her what you told us about wanting to marry her? That would be a great start. Someone else said it best. This is the time to stop with the games to put yourself completely out there and level with her from your heart, check your ego at the door and make sure to make room to tuck your pride nicely next to that too.

 

I'm really hoping you will win her back. Sounds like you two should be together. Doesn't sound at all like she is doing this to be with other men.

Don't think like that because then you will being to act in guarded ways and that is the last thing you want to do right now. This is do or die.

 

If she does turn out to be a two-timer well then you are better off knowing this now and won't be able to stop that anyway. Think positively and think that she loves you and is trying to shake you up and wants to see how much you actually love her. ESPECIALLY since she already said she left you because she thought you loved her less than she loves you.

 

 

Good luck 7!

Edited July 23, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[SevenCity]

This ^ does not sound like a woman who is looking to play the field and see what else is out there. This sounds like a woman who is very much in love with you and has genuinely convinced herself (some of it her own insecurities) other parts based on your actions, that she was more invested than you were.

 

 

 

 

What kinds of things are you having to defend that she feels you did with other women and not her? Ask them to marry them? Be extra demonstrative and doting? It is nuts you should defend what you did with others in your past but why is this even a topic of conversation or comparison?

)

 

Things like I went on vacation with my ex wife but we haven't gone (we have when looking to relocate but that didn't count apparently), that I was crushed when my ex (another girl that dumped me), jealous insecure stuff that was really just spewing in one of our last discussions.

 

 

She sounds very confused, like she wants you but is afraid of getting sucked in again and getting hurt.

 

Exactly my thoughts as well.

 

What is it that you have done in the last while that has hurt her so much? is it the notion that she thought you would have proposed by now and haven't?

 

Yes, the lack of proposal really killed me. She seemed to think I should have done it after every life changing bad event (death of family member, injury of her mom, etc). I felt like these things made it s really bad idea and selfish. She also referenced me checking out other women (guilty - I've been that way my entire life) and that an ex called me 2 years ago (a girl I never cared about but she would reach out once and a while to say hi). She also even got jealous of the attention / affection I was paying to my new dog and not her (which I admit I'm obsessed with her and likely she felt like a second but, come on)

 

 

Well you need to figure out what you have done to hurt her and fix that. Extending an olive branch to out on a date doesn't seem like enough, that seems pretty casual and non-committal and I get that you are trying to work at her pace but don't listen to her pace right now she wants you to fight for her and show her in actions that you want her, really REALLY want her.

Think

(we are all romantics at heart)

 

I don't know what more I can do. The first time she came to see me I got her a heartfelt card and a single rose in her favorite color. I spent almost $1k on her birthday gifts and drove up 3 hours to her place unannounced taking a day off of work (that wasn't the best move - family was there and it was uncomfortable. Not to mention I got "why did you never take off for my birthday when we were together"!). Told her many times how I love and care about her and showing my empathy rather than my old "This is how you fix your problem" attitude.

 

Have you told her what you told us about wanting to marry her? That would be a great start. Someone else said it best. This is the time to stop with the games to put yourself completely out there and level with her from your heart, check your ego at the door and make sure to make room to tuck your pride nicely next to that too.

 

Yes I have many times. The last time we spoke she got into an emotionally unstable state and said "She could never marry me because she would always think I did it because we broke up". I know she didn't mean it as her emotions were taking over, but it's frustrating to hear nonetheless.

 

I'm really hoping you will win her back. Sounds like you two should be together. Doesn't sound at all like she is doing this to be with other men.

Don't think like that because then you will being to act in guarded ways and that is the last thing you want to do right now. This is do or die.

 

If she does turn out to be a two-timer well then you are better off knowing this now and won't be able to stop that anyway. Think positively and think that she loves you and is trying to shake you up and wants to see how much you actually love her. ESPECIALLY since she already said she left you because she thought you loved her less than she loves you.

 

Good luck 7!

 

The thing is, if anyone else came to me with this story I would tell them she's nuts and to run like the wind. I have to wonder how long this will continue. I was ready to end it when I posted this but I feel she would be all "See, I knew he was full of BS" and that I still actually have a chance. When I spoke with her on the phone I would get butterflies.

 

But how long is too long? At what point do I throw in the towel?

 

In her defense, she is running on minimal sleep, traveling a lot, having problems with school, work future is uncertain, and her health has not been good due to flair ups of a chronic illness. Although most of these things were avoidable, I kept my mouth shut and only offered my understanding and support. But it really seems her life took a dump since the breakup (which makes me wonder why she wouldn't come running back).

 

Thank you Sun for taking the time to reply.

[SevenCity]

So we are supposed to get together this Saturday. She has been saying she is working hard to finish all her school work so she doesn't have any distractions (she has been nuts with school and travel for work). I have a nice date planned as this will be the first time we've been out since the breakup let alone on a weekend.

 

I spoke with her earlier in the week because she had a particularly bad day (and I think she had her period too). Bad idea. That ended up with her bringing up hurt from the past - specifically me looking at other women and not telling her enough she is beautiful. Also pointing out how I was the one to end things (I felt I had no choice at the time). I implored her to judge me on my actions now, not in the past. Logic, yea that works with women....

 

After prying, she said part of her feels it's too late and the other part wants to get back together. She was very upset that I told her I've gotten used to her not being here - not that I like it, but it's been two months how could I not. She retorted with she still makes actions as if she was here with me.

 

I assumed she was going to spend the night Saturday but when I brought it up she freaked out. Not about sex, about spending the night. We text constantly about sex with each other and have had it the 3 or 4 times we've gotten together.

 

My gut is telling me it's not about someone else. It's about her being terrified of hurt again and we are civil now and can walk away amicably (which won't be the case).

 

On the other hand, I feel like she's slipped into a routine where she still has me in her life (and her stuff at my house and a key) and texts me good morning and goodnight and during the day but isn't in with both feet. I made it clear that I want to marry her.

 

I think I've become too easy. I was responding quickly to her texts and making myself available. Since we spoke last, I've been letting hours pass between replies (like she has been but she's actually very busy). I noticed since that she is not always waiting until I reply to send another. She actually asked if everything was ok this morning.

 

I hate to play games but I'm nearing the end of my patience. I'm willing to give it until Labor Day and feel we have to be in a better position by then or I will have to take more drastic measures.

 

She acts sometimes like she's done but then acts like we are back together. I do want to marry her but there is only so much I will try. If not for the sex I would be done by now. But because we are 3 hrs apart it makes it difficult to reconcile since we agree that if we do try again she wouldn't move back right away (I think this would be too much too soon as well).

 

Just looking for a sanity check on my plan. 2 months has gone by and she is still upset about the past - I worry she won't get over it ever. When we see each other it is blissful and for days after, but that wears off and her fear and doubts come back in.

 

I feel like if I completely cut her off and had her move out that she might realize what she is missing and would want to come back. It's risky though because it could backfire.

 

I'm trying to get a squirrel to take a nut from my hand. But my arm is getting really tired