He might move away

[callaberry12]

I am 26 and he's 29. We both have great careers and both like the same things. It's crazy how many things we have in common. We've both said that we're what each other is looking for. At least in the beginning of the relationship. We've been together for 6 months.

 

From the beginning, I knew that he didn't want to stay in Texas (where we currently live) and that he wants to move back to California. He told me that one of the reasons why we continued dating is because I said I would love to move there one day. He wasn't looking for a girl who wanted to stay in Texas.

 

2 months in, I find out he turned down a job that he was working hard to get because it would mean he would be moving away. He said "you're an important part of my decision." At the time, I didn't know where the relationship was going and told him that he should follow his dreams. He insisted that he was "going a different route" and stay where he is.

 

I'm very cautious. I've been in 2 previous relationships that were abusive, so it's very difficult for me to open up completely or be affectionate. I'd say things like "you shouldn't consider me. It's your future" or "im not good enough for you to think that." He's done a good job at being patient. He doesn't know what happened with my exes, but he knows it wasn't healthy. He tries to help me through it and compliments me often and says I deserve to be treated well, but I can tell it's taking a toll on him. I'm trying my hardest to be more open, but it's very difficult for me.

 

I'm not sure if it's because of that, but he recently said that he applied for a job in California and that it's an opportunity that he can't turn down. the interviews are going well so far and he's going for an in person interview Monday. I'm scared this may be the end of our relationship because he went from turning the job down to applying.

 

Idk if it's related, but I recently went on a trip to California and said that I would love to move there. A week later, he applied. When I brought up what's going to happen, we've both agreed we'd want to continue dating. When I told him itd be hard to lose him because he's such a good guy, he said he felt the same and he doesn't want to break up.Thing is, we haven't said the L word and he doesn't seem to talk about a future with me. He said that he's been with someone who he though he'd marry, but end up breaking up at 6 months. He also said "I'd want you to move to Cali because you want to and not for me because if we break up, I wouldn't want you to be alone in Cali." Why would he bring that up instead of being positive? He also has this thing about not moving in with someone until he's at least a year with that person. He was burned by a previous ex and I'm guessing that may be related? sometimes I feel like because of that relationship, he can't fully open up or he's cautious as well, which makes communication difficult sometimes.

 

We've done a lot of things together. We've gone on trips, we hang out with each other on our days off. I've met his family and went to his family reunion. We're about to go on another trip to his favorite place and meet his best friend. We have a great time together and Im not ready to give that up.

 

When we hang out, all he wants to do is look at houses together that HE will live in, not WE. Idk what to do. Is it worth staying in the relationship? Should I break it off if he gets the job? I just feel like he isn't as serious as he was. Or am I just over analyzing? I'm honestly at odds right now and it's making me become very distant from him and it's causing problems. I'm trying my hardest to be happy for him, but when I'm by myself, I can't help but be sad about it. Am I wrong to feel that way?

Edited July 17, 2016 by callaberry12

[Els]

 

I'm not sure if it's because of that, but he recently said that he applied for a job in California and that it's an opportunity that he can't turn down. the interviews are going well so far and he's going for an in person interview Monday. I'm scared this may be the end of our relationship because he went from turning the job down to applying.

 

What did you expect him to do, were you secretly hoping he'd turn it down again despite your protests the last time? You were right, he should prioritize his career at this stage. He listened to you. Is that not a good thing?

 

He also said "I'd want you to move to Cali because you want to and not for me because if we break up, I wouldn't want you to be alone in Cali." Why would he bring that up instead of being positive? He also has this thing about not moving in with someone until he's at least a year with that person. He was burned by a previous ex and I'm guessing that may be related? sometimes I feel like because of that relationship, he can't fully open up or he's cautious as well, which makes communication difficult sometimes.

 

He's being pragmatic IMO. At 6 months, honestly, you don't know someone very well yet. The honeymoon phase hasn't worn off, you likely haven't seen how they deal with hardship or failures or illness. I think it's generally a sensible idea to not move in together until you've been together for a year, and I also think it's good that he's being considerate of your well-being should you move to Cali and you two end up breaking up.

 

When we hang out, all he wants to do is look at houses together that HE will live in, not WE. Idk what to do. Is it worth staying in the relationship? Should I break it off if he gets the job? I just feel like he isn't as serious as he was. Or am I just over analyzing? I'm honestly at odds right now and it's making me become very distant from him and it's causing problems. I'm trying my hardest to be happy for him, but when I'm by myself, I can't help but be sad about it. Am I wrong to feel that way?

 

Why did you tell him to take the job the first time around if this is how you truly feel about it? If you weren't in this R, would you not want to move to Cali?

[basil67]

Callaberry, you're being your own worst enemy here. All this holding back and not communicating is having the direct result of you being unsure of what's going on. A good relationship cannot survive without honesty, openness and trust. I understand you've been through a lot in the past, but if you are unable to give these things, then perhaps you're not ready for a relationship.

 

Everything you write is a contradiction. If he stays in Texas for you, you tell him he shouldn't hang around for you. So when he applies for California you're sad because he might go away. You tell him that you're not good enough for him and then are upset because he hasn't said I Love You. He asks you to go with him and then you're upset because he's using the wrong words when house hunting.

 

On the subject of I Love You, have you considered that because you're holding back so much, he doesn't truly know you yet. So how can he love you if he doesn't know you?

 

If you want to keep this relationship progressing, you will need to take the plunge and trust him with your thoughts, feelings and ideas. Because while they are closed off, it's only half of a relationship....and you both deserve better than this.

 

Yes, it's a risk to open up - but life is a risk. There's no guarantees that you won't be hurt again, but it's possible that this might be successful if you try. What do your friends and family think of him? Their thoughts may help you make up your mind.

[Lois_Griffin]

He also said "I'd want you to move to Cali because you want to and not for me because if we break up, I wouldn't want you to be alone in Cali."

Don't EVER move anywhere for some guy you've been dating.

 

Especially one who hasn't even professed his love for you, and who you've only been dating for 6 months. 6 months is nothing in the scheme of things. NOTHING.

 

He wants - and intends - to move to California, with or without you. It's no sweat off his back to convince YOU to move there because he's eventually going to go anyway, regardless if you do or don't. So the only one making all the sacrifices is YOU.

 

Yet, he's throwing out the caveats if you DO make the sacrifice and move there for him. He wants you to move out there so he has SOMEONE and isn't there all alone, but he also wants you to know that if it doesn't work out, he'll 'feel bad that you'd be there all alone.'

 

So, he's basically saying for you to throw all caution to the wind, move out there because he doesn't want to do it all alone, but if it blows up in your face, he'll feel bad. Gosh, how noble.

 

Screw that.

 

I repeat. NEVER move anywhere for a man unless you're either engaged and about to marry, or you ARE married. Otherwise, it's a crap shoot you'll probably lose.

 

Let him go. Seriously. Just let him go.