toosoon Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 I met an old best friend back in my hometown after graduating college. We reconnected our friendship, which, after a year of being friends, eventually turned into a romantic relationship. We were married two years after starting to go out and have been married for less than a month. We are also both in our late-twenties Since he was a friend, he knew I had issues with fidelity. I had rarely been faithful before dating him, which isn't something I'm proud of. I've never cheated on him, but I am having much more difficulty not doing so. It's to the point that I can stop thinking about recent crushes or fantasizing about how great it would be to be single again. I feel so guilty, especially since he's so sweet and caring. I did tell him a few nights ago that I am no longer physically attracted to him. I do love him and care for him, but I feel like I am only half telling the truth when I have an excuse. I told him I would be willing to work through it. I know he loves me so much, maybe more than I could love him, so he's willing to do whatever he can to help our marriage. We are very differently people, even in terms of our issues. We both are clinically depressed, but he bottles up emotions and I have an anger issue. I have been going to therapy to help me keep my anger/raising my voice in check. He cries easily and becomes flustered, which means the arguments go nowhere and I suddenly feel like he agrees to everything too quickly. I had to make him see a therapist a few months ago because I feel like his past drug addiction problem causes him to escape in understanding his emotions. His therapist said that since's he's not relapsing, that he's on the right track and he's fine. I have also been asking him, begging him, even before we were married, to go to couples counseling. There always seems to be an issue, but I may just be being harsh. He is picking up a lot of overtime considering that he mostly pays for the rent and food. I am about to make a big move to a completely new city for my PhD, which might be adding some stress. He will be all I have there. I have no idea if this is a rough patch or if I should be worried. I don't want to think about divorce so hastily, but don't know how long I should tough it out.
Honourably honest Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Being with him is 'being tough'? Lordy, he deserves more than this, if you are going to cheat, be kind and split now. If he doesn't turn your head, let him go. You are going to break his heart, but for for once this is black and white. Let him go, somebody else will be much better for him. If you never calm down you will wake up old and alone. Probably way too early for you to see that, but plenty that post have seen people like you going round the buoy many times before. The one saving grace here is that you could split before you permanently damage him. Show moral courage, and save the pain being exponentially worse than it has to be. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Since he was a friend, he knew I had issues with fidelity. I had rarely been faithful before dating him, which isn't something I'm proud of. I've never cheated on him, but I am having much more difficulty not doing so. It's to the point that I can stop thinking about recent crushes or fantasizing about how great it would be to be single again. I feel so guilty, especially since he's so sweet and caring. I did tell him a few nights ago that I am no longer physically attracted to him. I do love him and care for him, but I feel like I am only half telling the truth when I have an excuse. I told him I would be willing to work through it. I know he loves me so much, maybe more than I could love him, so he's willing to do whatever he can to help our marriage. We are very differently people, even in terms of our issues. We both are clinically depressed, but he bottles up emotions and I have an anger issue. I have been going to therapy to help me keep my anger/raising my voice in check. He cries easily and becomes flustered, which means the arguments go nowhere and I suddenly feel like he agrees to everything too quickly. I had to make him see a therapist a few months ago because I feel like his past drug addiction problem causes him to escape in understanding his emotions. His therapist said that since's he's not relapsing, that he's on the right track and he's fine. I have also been asking him, begging him, even before we were married, to go to couples counseling. There always seems to be an issue, but I may just be being harsh. He is picking up a lot of overtime considering that he mostly pays for the rent and food. I am about to make a big move to a completely new city for my PhD, which might be adding some stress. He will be all I have there. I have no idea if this is a rough patch or if I should be worried. I don't want to think about divorce so hastily, but don't know how long I should tough it out. Seems like an awful lot of advance rationalization for whatever destructive - at least to your marriage - act you're thinking of committing. Why not simply hold yourself to a higher standard? I'm assuming he didn't put a gun to your head, you voluntarily stood up there and said "I do". So now is the time to indeed "do" and treat love like the verb it is, proving your worth through your actions and integrity. Despite your attempts to distance yourself in one short month from doing the right thing, it's not really that complicated ... Mr. Lucky 4
merrmeade Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 I met an old best friend back in my hometown after graduating college. We reconnected our friendship, which, after a year of being friends, eventually turned into a romantic relationship. We were married two years after starting to go out and have been married for less than a month. We are also both in our late-twenties Since he was a friend, he knew I had issues with fidelity. I had rarely been faithful before dating him, which isn't something I'm proud of. I've never cheated on him, but I am having much more difficulty not doing so. It's to the point that I can stop thinking about recent crushes or fantasizing about how great it would be to be single again. I feel so guilty, especially since he's so sweet and caring. I did tell him a few nights ago that I am no longer physically attracted to him. I do love him and care for him, but I feel like I am only half telling the truth when I have an excuse. I told him I would be willing to work through it. I know he loves me so much, maybe more than I could love him, so he's willing to do whatever he can to help our marriage. We are very differently people, even in terms of our issues. We both are clinically depressed, but he bottles up emotions and I have an anger issue. I have been going to therapy to help me keep my anger/raising my voice in check. He cries easily and becomes flustered, which means the arguments go nowhere and I suddenly feel like he agrees to everything too quickly. I had to make him see a therapist a few months ago because I feel like his past drug addiction problem causes him to escape in understanding his emotions. His therapist said that since's he's not relapsing, that he's on the right track and he's fine. I have also been asking him, begging him, even before we were married, to go to couples counseling. There always seems to be an issue, but I may just be being harsh. He is picking up a lot of overtime considering that he mostly pays for the rent and food. I am about to make a big move to a completely new city for my PhD, which might be adding some stress. He will be all I have there. I have no idea if this is a rough patch or if I should be worried. I don't want to think about divorce so hastily, but don't know how long I should tough it out. You sound like you're just barely holding in your disgust and judgment. You didn't marry for love because, not only are you incapable of even feeling guilt about your lack of compassion for his issues, you actually judge him and feel justified in feeling condescension for his weaknesses. I don't know if you expect us to be impressed with your effort and sacrifice, holding your uncontrollable urges in check or feel bad that you're throwing your life away for your best friend chump that you stupidly agreed to marry. I doubt you'll get compassion or admiration So that's what I saw between your words: a self-centered, shallow opportunist. Maybe that's not how you are. But that's what comes across and is something for you to ponder - that a complete stranger could read your post and come away with an impression of you as a cold-hearted, judgmental narcissist. Why would that be? I almost wish this was after the fact: He's already found out and you're divorcing, so that later at least, when he's over it, he can realize he dodged a bullet getting out sooner than later. But as it is, you'll probably just dump him and he'll feel like a loser without realizing you weren't worth it. But it's not and you shouldn't go cheat yet and lie about it. Here's what I think you should do about it and why - from your perspective and for his sake: First, if the labels I used bother you, take them away and look at the facts of the situation: You should not be married to this person. You don't love him, you married him out of friendship, you're now disgusted by him. Then, there's the fact of the title to this thread: You're going to cheat on him sooner or later. I'd say it'll happen on some trip without him to that place you're going for your PhD. The problem is you're going to make him feel like such a loser. I don't say that from sympathy or agreement with you since I've made it clear that in a contest of character, I'd go with him and you've hardly even described him. No, my preference, though it won't happen, is that you realize what a cold-hearted, self-serving, terrible friend and wife you've been (are?) and marriage was a mistake. You MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE there's something wrong with YOU - whether you mean it or not - not him (I actually believe that's true ,but for the sake of your ego which you don't even see right now, we put it this way.) Maybe later you can deal with your cold heart, but for now just pretend you realize it. You are doing this FOR HIS SAKE, so he can be let down more gently. Please don't drag him through the heartbreak of couples counseling. I agree he needs to see his own therapist and get a handle on his life, so he can see what a mistake it was to marry you. But don't waste time with that. You know you've made your mind up. It's just a matter of time. The ONLY decent thing to do now is to divorce him, convincing him that you're not right for him and will only break his heart (which is true). You tell him that he doesn't deserve you (which is true). And if you really want to feel better about yourself later, you tell him what that you're not good enough for him and he's better off without you. 2
aliveagain Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Married a whole month, you can have the marriage annulled. Stop wasting any more of his time and get it over already. He still has a chance at happiness, I don't think any one man will ever make you happy. 11
Friskyone4u Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Ditto to the married only one month comment and you are already fantasizing about other men. Get out of htis marriage and then be single and fulfill any fantasies you have. But stop looking for understanding and approval for rationalizing a justification to cheat on your husband. You are young so be single and stop the mind games 1
stillafool Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Why in the world did you marry this man? Definitely seek annulment! 2
dichotomy Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Look - no kids, no big home, or ties, you just got married - go back to being friends. If you have issues with fidelity - either don't get married or go for an open relationship/open marriage You have not cheated so far - good for you. Just live the life that suits you - nothing wrong about being true to your nature as long as your true with others. 1
Author toosoon Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 Thank you! I appreciate your honesty. These are realistic options that I can add to the list. I feel dumb for the typo. We've been married almost a year.
merrmeade Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Thank you! I appreciate your honesty. These are realistic options that I can add to the list. I feel dumb for the typo. We've been married almost a year. Interesting reaction. 2
stillafool Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Please don't try to hold on to a man you don't love. He deserves better and will find her once you let go. Find a man you love enough not to cheat on to marry. 1
heartwhole Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 I wonder if you are a self-sabatoguer. I can't tell you if your marriage was a mistake; maybe it was. Can you remember there reasons you got married in the first place? That said, your issues with fidelity are YOUR issues with fidelity. And I believe you will have them in any relationship in times of stress. It's your default faulty coping mechanism. I remember when at my one year wedding anniversary, I suddenly felt like I could see all the years of my life flying past me. You could be having a "oh god I think I'm supposed to be a real grown up now" crisis as you approach a new move and a few years of study that are supposed to turn into a career. So you look for the next hit -- the excitement of being single (or pretending to be), of random male attention. These are your issues, and you should work on them whether you stay married or not. As for your husband, no, you are not being fair to him. How much could have changed in 11 months that he's suddenly no longer attractive to you? Sharing that with him was cruel, unless he's drastically altered his appearance in some way. And it's not the truth anyway. The truth is that you are restless because of your issues, not because of him. If you are going to be married to anyone for the rest of your life, then of course you will experience times of feeling more "blah" about them. You don't live in a constant state of sexual excitement with your forever mate. Now, I'm on this site because my husband of 11 years had an affair, so I'm not saying I'm some pinnacle of matrimonial bliss, but in my experience, the early years of your relationship should not be filled with so much stress and doubt. I never felt that I didn't want to be with my husband. When I would have those feelings of ennui or crisis that you are describing, I would share them with him, not blame him for them. In other words, if it's this hard now, then chances are, it will become impossible to maintain the relationship later. But the root cause of that is within you -- you didn't work on yourself to identify why you are a serial cheater, and now you're blaming your mate for it. Take some time and work on you. I think once you've done that, whether or not your vows are something you can honor should become clearer. 1
jen1447 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 One thing I'd reflect on is what your sexual and romantic makeup really is, bc if you have some sort of fundamental need to have more than one thing going at a time, this issue will follow you around in any marriage, not just this one. Some ppl are just like that btw (myself included), so don't view it as some kind of defect. Traditional pairings aren't the only way that ppl have relationships. 4
Cephalopod Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 You are just not a monogamous person. There is nothing wrong with that by the way. You just need to be honest with yourself. You married your husband because he was a safe guy. You felt he would love you and always be there fir you. My guess is that he has been one of your satellite males: one of many "guy friends" who has been orbiting you for years, hoping you would choose him. Now that you have him, he's not interesting to you anymore. Marriage is for monogamous people. You are not one of them. Have some self respect and give this good man an annulment and let him find a woman who will love him completely. Then go and live a poly-amorous lifestyle. Be honest with your partners that you are a free spirit and that you do not like to be tied down sexually to one partner. Just be honest with people, and never get married again. Accept the fact that you are not cut out for marriage. Again, this is not a slant on you. There are many people, some of them very famous, who have gone through many partners in their lifetimes without ever marrying. 2
TrustedthenBusted Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Annulment. You have to treat a bad marriage like a trip to the Dentist. The longer you wait to deal with the problem, the more painful it will be.
Friskyone4u Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 One thing I'd reflect on is what your sexual and romantic makeup really is, bc if you have some sort of fundamental need to have more than one thing going at a time, this issue will follow you around in any marriage, not just this one. Some ppl are just like that btw (myself included), so don't view it as some kind of defect. Traditional pairings aren't the only way that ppl have relationships. The above is very accurate and totally OK. What is NOT OK is for you so stay married to this man and betray him emotionally and physically. if you have any respect for him and yourself that is not what you will do. 2
Cloudcuckoo Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Letting your husband go is the kindest thing you could do for him, even though he probably won't think so for a while. It's also probably the kindest thing you could do for yourself. You would be free to live an unconstrained life without feeling you must conform to Societies moral expectations. Cuckoo 1
Recommended Posts