Must read for anybody on these forums trying to get back

[Rupert]

Ladies and Gents, as many of you are experiencing breakups stink. No matter what/who how and when.

 

My story is short.

 

I dated a women in my late twenties for 3 years, 6 years ago. We broke up after both of us were unhappy (she did with me). Why she wasn't happy, it doesn't really matter, but the real thing that everyone must understand is this is one of the main reason's people break up. There is no point to dwell/replay and figure our why, because her or his happiness is on them, and not on you.

 

3 years of very limited contact, and we randomly we reconnected. Was I over her, no, but did I do work on myself, hell yes and so did she. We weren't the same people and the time apart was worth it.

 

Sparks flew in the air and we started dating again. First 8 months we were like peas and carrots, and we were talking about marriage (i bought a cheap ring). We couldn't make the step, we kept stalling out on some of our needs not being able to be met (7 months of this). We tried to talk about them, but we just couldn't 'hear' each other. I spiraled and regressed back into some of the stuff that happened during our first relationship and got stationary and safe and also was not voicing why I wasn't happy. I didn't push forward on some major things, and was looking to her to make the move with me (which she didn't).

 

On Tuesday we had a hard conversation about why we loved each other and what we should do. Counseling came up and I said I would set it up, which I started to research. On Friday she broke it off, almost the same way as before. Needing space and stating she's madly in love with me and can't do it any more (we are also best friends).

 

I reached out to her via text today, stating that I am open to counseling if she wanted to move forward (which she said give me space). I am going on NC.

 

What is the future with us, I don't know, probably nothing, I believe this was the last straw and neither of us will be able to bounce back from this. Friends, probably not as well.

 

So I am back on here, and I have a little tidbits to state:

1) You both may be in love, but sometimes that is not good enough (and that is ok). It sucks.

2) people change and people stay the same. I had 3 years of really no contact. Trust me I know.

3) Don't dwell on stuff. Its not all on you. You are good, your partner is good, you are just not good together.

4) Go on NC it works and sucks, because NC is just forgetting about your lover. That is what it is.

 

I will be on these forums finding refuge, but I have a long battle in front of me and I know it sucks.

 

Thanks for the listen

[Marco Valerio]

Rare is the case were a second round turns out better than the first one.

People should focus on getting a first round with someone new, than going back to the same old.

[Bialy]

You weren't kidding, Rupert: Our situations are eerily similar on a few different levels.

 

Good advice given.

 

This forum has been the best thing I've found! I don't feel so alone and I'm able to discuss my own circumstance and help others with advice in their own predicaments. This seems like a minor thing, but it helps so much.

Edited July 17, 2016 by Bialy

[Rupert]

Marco:

 

When we got back together, we both figured that we were the one. This is meant to be kind of stuff. When she ended it, she was devastated too, just like me. She wanted this to work, like I did.

 

To move forward, I can not do the what if's. She was crying out for months that her needs weren't getting met on some level. Could I have ever met these needs comes in my head. What if we went to counseling? What if I acted sooner and was more upfront.

 

Not to talk for her, but she is struggling with similar types of things right now, the are these needs too much? He was a great man, why couldn't I make it work?

 

What I need to believe is, maybe it wasn't possible for us to meet these needs. We are different, period.

 

My advice is hard to take. Right now I feel I need a lot of attention to partly fill the gap. This forum is one outlet for now. I do know, for me, not coming to this website is also part of the process (seeing all the hurt does remind you of yours).

[serendipity90]

I think the best thing you can do is support her independence and encourage her to do outside things and meet new people.

 

It might be that she became too consumed in the relationship and is looking to you to meet all of her needs. I've made the mistake of doing this myself in my previous relationship.

[Rupert]

And NC back to 0. Went I sent it I was like, yeah this sounds good. Now reading it just looks desperate. I would like to blame NC back to 0 on the first song going into my car, "love is a battlefield". It got me jazzed up.