elaine567 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 All those great qualities you have recognised he possesses are qualities most women find very attractive. He knows that and hence the reason he doesn't want to be exclusive to just you. Even his mother far from being hostile is warning you not to get involved for your own good, as you will get hurt, yet you carry on regardless... Just keep one foot on the ground here, he told exactly where he is at, believe him.
Versacehottie Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 ok I agree with tuna. I think a lot of guys will avoid putting a label on it and as long as you are getting what for all intents and purposes amounts to a good relationship and at a reasonable pace (both of which you seem to be getting), than a label is just false security. Truth is, with or without the title, he could leave you at any moment. I don't think he sounds all that reluctant in the small picture--as in having a current and exclusive relationship with you. In the bigger picture, he may be, which could be due to his divorce, your age, wanting to be more sure about things for his next serious relationship, not wanting to overpromise things, or any combo thereof--and probably some I didn't even mention (though I don't think he is playing you). Actually at 23, I'm not sure why you would want to overcommit yourself either. What's the rush? You also have a lot more to learn about this guy just because it's only been a couple of months. The part that I would be most worried about of any of the stuff you have going on is that his mom thinks of you that way and spoke to you like that. That's a huge stumbling block. Keep your eyes open about that and his opinion of you in relation to that and how much he is going to take theirs into consideration. No need to push things too much but I'm not sure if I would want to join a family (even as a serious gf) where that's the opinion. Or a mom was so rude and unmannered that she felt it was ok to say such a thing to me. She is crossing boundaries. Probably does it a lot, I'd guess. Your guy probably has allowed it with past gfs/his ex wife in some level or way or she wouldn't be doing it. See? You have a lot yet to learn about committing YOURSELF to this person and this family. Don't rush. Observe, Evaluate. 1
Author arla Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 So, last night we were having sex and he said "I want to be your man". I asked him about it after and he said he doesn't want me to see anyone else (he doesn't want another man touching me) and he doesn't want to see anyone else (because no one else would measure up, compare) but he doesn't want to commit and then make a mistake and hurt me. He said he wants to keep moving forward with me but said again that he doesn't want to hurt me. He also said he doesn't want to take my youth (he's 32, I'm 23). I told him that I want to keep moving forward with him and regardless of the title my emotions would be the same. He cheated on his wife, once, and that haunts him. That is were this stems from. It's like he doesn't trust himself. He also said he wants to re-marry and he wants to have kids/big family. I want that too. He thinks he will want it too before me and doesn't want to push me into it or take my youth. When I said we should take the next step and agree to be exclusive he said "I'm not seeing anyone else and I won't, I don't want to put a title on it yet. Soon." I'm trying, I'm really trying to except that and understand. But I am having a bit of a hard time. He did post a picture of us kissing to his facebook/instagram, and I take it many of his friends didn't know because there was a lot of "what???", "since when" and "who's that??" comments. You aren't the first woman to be involved with a man who comes off hot and heavy and then he backs off or disappears....books have been written on the subject. How long do they usually hang around? It's been almost 3 months, we see each other multiple times a week so if he is going to get bored it would have happened by now right? I want a man with whom I will experience great chemistry, a man confident, adventurous, athletic, attractive and chivalrous. I want a man that will make me happy and enhance my life. This is what you want. And many man can give you this, not only him. A reason it's so hard is because I've never known another man like him and I hear friends and family complaining all the time about their partners. I just feel so lucky to be with someone like him. I agree, however, though that if every date ends with sex at this stage, it's a little "flaggy". But, if he's doing everything else right, just continue to observe. You can control that too but saying you need to go home sometimes and observe his reaction. We do have sex on almost every date, but I want to just as much as he does. He has never pressured in the slightest. He knows how to build up the sexual tension through the whole date and by the end I'm all over him. I have said no a few times, and he didn't care at all - at least he didn't show that he cared. Everything stayed totally normal. All those great qualities you have recognised he possesses are qualities most women find very attractive. He knows that and hence the reason he doesn't want to be exclusive to just you. Even his mother far from being hostile is warning you not to get involved for your own good, as you will get hurt, yet you carry on regardless... Just keep one foot on the ground here, he told exactly where he is at, believe him. His mom wasn't warning me so that I don't get hurt, she was warning me not to hurt her son. She even said something like "You will mother my sons kids over my dead body". Her tone was that I'm too young and will hurt her son because I'm young and therefore stupid and immature. The part that I would be most worried about of any of the stuff you have going on is that his mom thinks of you that way and spoke to you like that. That's a huge stumbling block. Keep your eyes open about that and his opinion of you in relation to that and how much he is going to take theirs into consideration. No need to push things too much but I'm not sure if I would want to join a family (even as a serious gf) where that's the opinion. Or a mom was so rude and unmannered that she felt it was ok to say such a thing to me. She is crossing boundaries. Probably does it a lot, I'd guess. Your guy probably has allowed it with past gfs/his ex wife in some level or way or she wouldn't be doing it. See? You have a lot yet to learn about committing YOURSELF to this person and this family. Don't rush. Observe, Evaluate. It bothers me as well. I don't want to eventually marry someone and have a MIL who hates me, for no reason. She disliked before she even met me. The guy I'm seeing said his mom loved and was very close with his ex wife. They are still in contact. I don't know if I could ever live up to her in his mother's eyes. I think about it like, that is someone who would be in my life for a long time and be around my (hypothetical) children. I don't want my children to have a grandma who hates them before she hates me. It's the opposite but the same on my end. Some people who I have told said he's too old for me (10 years) and will ruin my life by taking away my youth.
Els Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I would bail. You're not even really needing 'commitment' IMO, all you're needing is exclusivity. I don't necessarily think he's a terrible person (at least he was honest with you about his intentions), but if you're looking for a monogamous R he probably isn't the one.
JanenotPlain Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I'd be really bothered by his mother's comments. He needs to tell her to treat you with respect. Watch out for momma's boys, OP... And I'd be bothered that he cheated on his wife.
dpass Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 My question would be, why doesn't he trust himself? If he truly only cheated on his wife ONCE, and it was when their relationship was already in the dumps and on the way out, why does he think he will do it again? As a guy, my best guess is that he has cheated a lot more than that. Or he is just feeding you this to keep you around longer without the commitment. Can you see yourself getting married and having kids in the next couple years? Because that is likely what he will want to do. He is older (we're the same age) and he is going to want to move faster than the average 20 something year old. He did post a picture of us kissing to his facebook/instagram, and I take it many of his friends didn't know because there was a lot of "what???", "since when" and "who's that??" comments. Have you met any of his friends? 3 months in you should have. You need to be compatible with not only him, but his friends as well. You don't have to get along with all of them, but the majority you do. How long do they usually hang around? It's been almost 3 months, we see each other multiple times a week so if he is going to get bored it would have happened by now right? As long as he can get away with it, if that is his intentions. A reason it's so hard is because I've never known another man like him and I hear friends and family complaining all the time about their partners. I just feel so lucky to be with someone like him. Because you are 23 years old and have many, many years of prime dating years ahead of you. You cannot compare teenagers to grown men. I think about it like, that is someone who would be in my life for a long time and be around my (hypothetical) children. I don't want my children to have a grandma who hates them before she hates me. Then it's time to take the next exit, because she likely will always despise you.
elaine567 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 So, last night we were having sex and he said "I want to be your man". I asked him about it after and he said he doesn't want me to see anyone else (he doesn't want another man touching me) and he doesn't want to see anyone else (because no one else would measure up, compare) but he doesn't want to commit and then make a mistake and hurt me. He said he wants to keep moving forward with me but said again that he doesn't want to hurt me. He also said he doesn't want to take my youth (he's 32, I'm 23). Do not confuse his jealousy over other men touching you with thinking that he cares for you, that you are somewhat special to him. Many men want to play the field yet have the woman/women they are sleeping with, being solely exclusive to them. Hypocritical yes, but it is how it often works. He keeps on refusing to be exclusive to you - he wants to be free to pursue other options. YOU have to understand that, assuming it is something else and writing love stories in your head about him, does not make it anything else. He wants to make it clear to you his position, else he fears he will hurt you if you start getting other ideas. Stop making up excuses for him. Listen to what he is telling you and believe it. You, unfortunately for you, have got more involved and attached, yet he has not changed his stance one iota, has he? 1
Author arla Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 I would bail. You're not even really needing 'commitment' IMO, all you're needing is exclusivity. I don't necessarily think he's a terrible person (at least he was honest with you about his intentions), but if you're looking for a monogamous R he probably isn't the one. It's confusing to me because he says he isn't seeing anyone else, isn't looking for anyone else and doesn't want to see anyone else. Which is exclusivity, but then right after says he doesn't want to commit because he doesn't want to hurt me. I thought maybe we had different ideas on what exclusivity is, he came over early this morning with breakfast (and sex) and I talked to him. He said agreeing to exclusivity is different from agreeing to BF/GF, which I agree with. But that he even though he is only seeing me he doesn't want to say so in case he f*cks up and hurts me. I told him that this hurts me, and I'd be hurt regardless. After a really long pause he said "ok, lets do this then". I asked if he was sure and he said "yes, but be my girlfriend". It didn't feel right, I don't know. Like he knew I was giving up so he's doing it even though he doesn't want to. Maybe it will feel more natural when we are together again. He wants me to go meet a lot more of his friends in a couple days. I'd be really bothered by his mother's comments. He needs to tell her to treat you with respect. Watch out for momma's boys, OP... And I'd be bothered that he cheated on his wife. He has talked to his mom, I asked him to. He said that she still isn't over his divorce and saw his ex-wife as a daughter. They (his mom and ex) are still in regular contact so his mom still sees her as his wife. For the record, his ex-wife is the one who pulled the trigger on divorce. I really hope it can change... I don't want her to hate me as long as I'm in her sons life. I know, I am trying to be cautious of the cheating. He said that he only cheated once. His ex-wife became extremely distant leading up to the divorce, he had sex with a co-worker one time after having drinks at a bar together. After that he did everything right, he switched jobs and stopped contacting her. But I do still worry about it. Of course I don't know if that is true or not. When he talked about it he was very remorseful, so he was either telling the truth or an excellent liar and actor. I don't know how bad their marriage really was, so I do wonder how bad do things have to get for him to stray. I try not to think about that though, even if someone has never cheated they could. My question would be, why doesn't he trust himself? If he truly only cheated on his wife ONCE, and it was when their relationship was already in the dumps and on the way out, why does he think he will do it again? As a guy, my best guess is that he has cheated a lot more than that. Or he is just feeding you this to keep you around longer without the commitment. Can you see yourself getting married and having kids in the next couple years? Because that is likely what he will want to do. He is older (we're the same age) and he is going to want to move faster than the average 20 something year old. Have you met any of his friends? 3 months in you should have. You need to be compatible with not only him, but his friends as well. You don't have to get along with all of them, but the majority you do. As long as he can get away with it, if that is his intentions. Because you are 23 years old and have many, many years of prime dating years ahead of you. You cannot compare teenagers to grown men. Then it's time to take the next exit, because she likely will always despise you. He doesn't trust himself because he never in a million years thought he would cheat on his wife, he says he has never cheated other than that one time. He had drinks and it just happened. He didn't blame it on the alcohol. Maybe. He wants a lot of kids, and so do I, we're on the same page there. If things are going well then yes, I can see it. It's hard for me to picture when we aren't there yet. I have met some of his friends and we got along well. I haven't met all of them, or even most of them. This morning he texted and asked if I wanted to go to a party/get-together Friday night with him, most of his friends will be there. Is there no way to turn it around and have her accept me? She has only met me once and judged me before she even met me. Won't she come around once she sees that her son is happy?
joyful Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 he is enjoying you - a lot. but he is not falling in love with you. and in the end he will not commit. he has already given his reasons -- being non-monogamous, age difference, wanting a family before you will be ready, etc. no matter what he says to keep you enthralled, it is best for your own emotional health for you to pull back. good luck.
Trinity_84 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 OP, from what you say, I think he's being honest. Take him at his word, trust him and try to stop over analyzing everything. The issue with his mother will solve itself out with TIME. I think he sounds like a good person, yes, he did cheat on his wife, but who hasn't made a mistake they're ashamed of? He sounds very remorseful and perhaps he found out he could do something he never thought he'd do. If I were you, I'd let him know that what happened in the past should teach him a valuable lesson about himself, instead of making him afraid to open up and let you in. For what it's worth, I would just let things happen, stop trying to control the outcome of the relationship and just go with it. If it ends in X amount of time, so be it, it won't be your last relationship.
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