Is it too good to be true? He came on fast and won't commit

[Lois_Griffin]

On our dates we go out and do things, experience things together, but the dates always end with sex. He has an ability to always keep me slightly turned on and work it up until the end of the date.

You've basically been groomed by an older guy who isn't Mr. Right - but he's Mr. Right Now. He's enjoying the excitement of it, the newness of it, the art of seduction on you and the absolute power he has over you. That can be very intoxicating for some men. There are men who purposely seek out younger women because of their naivete and because they can be manipulated - and I think he's one of those guys whose taken it to an art form with you.

 

But he has zero intention of committing to you or anyone else, for that matter. I'd also be willing to bet he's got several women all on rotation right now, and you're just one of a few.

 

Sorry.

[deep_night]

so, if he doesnt want commitment then he doesn't mind if another guy comes and claims you? i know you like him (sex can really fog our logic), but i would end it now instead of waiting and waiting and waiting until he finds someone he likes better and commits to her while im feeling duped and my self esteem has reached the -10 floor.

[deep_night]

but before giving up on him, id deny sex with the excuse that i have a headache or i have something to do early tomorrow and want to wind down... and keep coming up with excuses. maybe go on an outdoorsy date with him, so afterwards you can say "i had so much fun but m dead, im going home to get a rest!"

 

do that and see how he reacts if he sees you're cooling off. what will he do? arent u curious?

 

I KNOW ITS HARD WHEN YOU REALLY WANT SOMEONE, i really do. but try.

[winny]

Can u try n not have sex with him on every date n see what happens?

[preraph]

He says that he's looking for a long term relationship and enjoyed being married but wasn't married to the right woman. But he still doesn't want to say that we are exclusively seeing each other, but claims he isn't seeing anyone else. It drives me crazy that I could have such strong feelings for someone but he might not feel the same way, or he's just waiting for someone better to come along.

 

On our dates we go out and do things, experience things together, but the dates always end with sex. He has an ability to always keep me slightly turned on and work it up until the end of the date.

 

I don't want to see other men, I'm happy with this one. I don't want to be comparing men or hurt someone.

 

He doesn't have to say that we're in a relationship or BF/GF, but if he's not seeing other women and not interested in other women, why not just say he's exclusive with me?

 

I internalize a lot because I don't want to bug him about it or come off wrong.

 

Because he's lying. He may not be going out with someone right now, this Friday, but he doesn't want to make any commitment to stop him if he meets someone he wants to also have sex with. Which is why YOU should also date other guys. He was clear about that. He doesn't want exclusivity, so don't just give it to him for no reason.

[Sunkissedpatio]

When someone "falls for you" immediately and moves too fast like that, you have to realize it's one or both of two things. Either he's just infatuated with how you look and wants to bed you asap (which he did) or he's projecting the ideal woman in his head onto you and trying to make you fit that script. The more time you spend with him, the more he realizes you are not the ideal woman in his head. (No one is.)

 

So he was in a big hurry to lock you down, and now you're locked down, but he himself doesn't want to be locked down. So he got what he wanted but isn't ready to commit at all even though he's the one who pushed this hard to get in deep too soon.

 

This!! ^

 

 

And this is also why guys who do what he does end up "falling out of love" 6 months in. People don't really fall out of love they just realize their "love" was just an infatuation.

 

If he were falling for you he would want to lock you down and make it exclusive. That's what men do when they are in love. There is no calculation because their fear of losing you to another man is much greater than the fear of you stomping all over their heart.

 

 

 

I'd say if you want to know if he is playing you, invite him out on some activity dates that do not involve sex, i.e. go home alone after the date and see if he is up for that. That's not manipulation that is seeing if you are more than just a piece of meat to them, if a guy's really into you he is happy to be in your presence in any capacity because you have a lot more to offer him then just your female parts. As you are happy with the same in the reverse.

 

If you are dating not every get-together needs to end in sex exclusivity or not. That's a FWB.

[SevenCity]

OP - you have to realize most of the "he's playing you" posts are from people with a broken heart and very cautious about a prospective love's intentions.

 

You have to understand from a guys point of view that we are very weary to get involved with younger girls because of their fickle feelings. One day you're the love of her life, the next day you're off to something else.

 

What you are describing is similar to happy normal relationships work. You start out with intense feelings for the other person (honeymoon phase) which eventually lessen once the initial infatuation falls off. On a different site, this is a story of how people meet their spouses.

 

I am concerned he won't commit but I totally understand where he is coming from.

 

You can ruin it and play games, or you can let it play out to the natural conclusion.

 

Withholding sex will have an impact on him in a bad way. The last thing I would do is want to be in a RL with a girl who withholds sex for no apparent reason. I would back way off, not try harder.

 

For everyone who puts their fears against a barometer, they will never find love. If you're willing to leave because of what might happen you will never find love.

 

The reason people here are so hurt is because you can't find love without taking chances and making yourself vulnerable. It would be great if you could and there would be no need for LS, but you can't.

 

If you get hurt it will suck, but if you ruin it because you are afraid you will never know true love. That's a chance we all have to take. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. That's life.

[sc0316]

OP: You are still so young and it sounds like you are super attracted to him and having a great time with him. Is it a must that this will progress into a serious committed relationship? Why not just enjoy the good time while it lasts and see how things evolve naturally?

[Sunkissedpatio]

OP - you have to realize most of the "he's playing you" posts are from people with a broken heart and very cautious about a prospective love's intentions.

 

Nahhh, recently heartbroken or not I have always believed that romance isn't that complicated you are either really into someone or you are not.

 

When I am into someone I am fully into them and it shows in my actions, when I am mildly interested I waffle. I think most people operate that way.

And that has been my experience with men.

 

Or you'd have to be on the rebound and completely closed off to the possibility of commitment. Both instances are pretty black and white - for me!

[elaine567]

I am all for "fun", but the OP is getting seriously attached here and that is no "fun" when this guy is not even going to get to the first rung of the ladder and agree to not sleep with other women.

It is hardly a huge sacrifice for him, "exclusive" doesn't come with a ring and a contract, it is not as if he is signing his life away.

He can easily get out of it, "Sorry met someone else, bye!!!"

If indeed he is not sleeping with any other women as he says, then what really is the big deal?

 

I guess he is enjoying the ride and when he just disappears one day, or the OP finds him out on the town or in bed with some other woman, he can justify it by saying he never promised her exclusivity.

The OP was just a fbuddy anyway, so he didn't owe her anything.

Meanwhile the OP is heartbroken...

 

What is confusing here for the OP, is that he acts like relationship material, but he is obviously not, and she should understand that and not get carried away with love stories in her head, that do not reflect reality.

[SevenCity]

I am all for "fun", but the OP is getting seriously attached here and that is no "fun" when this guy is not even going to get to the first rung of the ladder and agree to not sleep with other women.

It is hardly a huge sacrifice for him, "exclusive" doesn't come with a ring and a contract, it is not as if he is signing his life away.

He can easily get out of it, "Sorry met someone else, bye!!!"

If indeed he is not sleeping with any other women as he says, then what really is the big deal?

 

I guess he is enjoying the ride and when he just disappears one day, or the OP finds him out on the town or in bed with some other woman, he can justify it by saying he never promised her exclusivity.

The OP was just a fbuddy anyway, so he didn't owe her anything.

Meanwhile the OP is heartbroken...

 

What is confusing here for the OP, is that he acts like relationship material, but he is obviously not, and she should understand that and not get carried away with love stories in her head, that do not reflect reality.

 

His actions, if true, are exclusively.

 

If not, why not just say so?

 

So either he's a liar or afraid to put a label on it.

[SevenCity]

Meaning if he's that much of a player why not say they are exclusive so make her happy and just bang other chicks??? That's what I'd do if I was a player using her for sex.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Because there are players and then there are fake nice guys who are narcissists at heart. He sounds like the latter variety.

 

Not all players are a like.

[Leigh 87]

Life is simple, you're the one making it complicated because you're going against what feels right to you :-)

 

This whole situation does not feel right to you, right? It's your instinct talking to you, why do you ignore your inner voice?

 

Because she feels that she won't find sex and chemistry that good again.

 

I have done this a tonne. I am sure you have too.

[biker23]

Because there are players and then there are fake nice guys who are narcissists at heart. He sounds like the latter variety.

 

Not all players are a like.

 

Bingo. As a guy I feel he is the later. Doesn't want to commit to 'hurt' when he cheats so don't commit so he can still look around and feel good about himself.

 

I know if I found what you are describing, I'd lock it down. The fact he isn't does concern me. The comment on why, what's the hurry is classic. He was the one in a hurry.

 

I'm wary for your heart. I think he does care for you but post divorce wants to play the field before committing again. Maybe he meets someone tomorrow that blows him away but he committed to you. (His thought ) I don't recall if you mentioned how long he has been divorced.

 

Enjoy but guard your heart and I would suggest you also keep your eyes and options open to someone that treats you as you should be treated.

[arla]

One of the reason that he got divorced was because he cheated on his wife. He wanted kids, she decided after they married that she didn't, they started fighting and she went cold and distant. He slept with a co-worker once. Afterwards he moved to a different job and said he felt like he couldn't trust himself because he never thought he'd cheat. He doesn't think he'd ever cheat again but said he didn't think he would the first time either.

 

So that's kind of what plays into him not wanting to promise exclusivity.

 

OP: You are still so young and it sounds like you are super attracted to him and having a great time with him. Is it a must that this will progress into a serious committed relationship? Why not just enjoy the good time while it lasts and see how things evolve naturally?

 

I mean, I wouldn't want to continue like this forever. I want to be monogamous, committed. I don't want to be just the side chick. I am enjoying it right now and I try not to think about it to much. It's hard though, wondering if there are others or if he's looking. I am getting attached very easily.

 

I don't recall if you mentioned how long he has been divorced.

 

He has been divorced for 15 months. He and his ex-wife were separated before they divorced, for a year.

 

Meaning if he's that much of a player why not say they are exclusive so make her happy and just bang other chicks??? That's what I'd do if I was a player using her for sex.

 

This is what I keep thinking. If he was really just a player, wouldn't he want to tell me all the right things?

[Gaeta]

This is what I keep thinking. If he was really just a player, wouldn't he want to tell me all the right things?

 

There is a wide category of men you should not date that are not players.

 

Most people are sincere but it still does not make them dating material.

 

What does Arla want? do you know?

 

Because this man is saying he has nothing particular to give you and you sound ok with it.

[elaine567]

I want to be monogamous, committed. I don't want to be just the side chick.

 

Well stop playing about with a guy who got divorced because he cheated on his wife and who doesn't want to be exclusive with you.

 

He is too smooth to be a one off cheater is my guess.

[Redhead14]

I have been dating a man for 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks we have gone on 15 dates. He came on hard and fast.

 

Every date he brings something (flowers, chocolate, tickets for a game for another date, etc). He is a complete gentleman and always opens the car and building doors, pulls out chairs. If I go home alone he calls to make sure I got home okay. If I'm not driving (taking the subway) he calls and we talk on the phone the whole way home. He calls every day and when he says he will. He texts me during the day a couple times.

 

He calls me beautiful, pretty, hun, babe. Lots of sweet talk. He's very good looking and has a really good body. He keeps himself in shape and is actively involved in sports. I am as well.

 

He's very physical. We're always holding hands or he has his arm around me or on my back. He kisses me a lot. He's always somewhat sexual and pretty much keeps me turned on the whole date. By the end of the date I'm all over him.

 

It's really sexually intense. I've never had sex before being committed, and only with two other men. With both I waited 6-12 months before we had sex. But with him.... no. The first date there was really heavy making out and some touching (boobs, butt). The second date we had sex.He initiated but made me feel so comfortable and able to do it, not to mention horny. We've had sex every date since. He's gotten me to do things in bed that I didn't think I'd try.

 

BUT... we're not fully committed. I've talked to him about going to the next level and being in a exclusive, committed relationship. He says why rush it. He says he isn't seeing anyone else.

 

Is it too good to be true? My friends say that he is playing me and just out for sex. I'm 23, he's 32. He's divorced, no kids. I didn't think I'd go for someone 10 years older than me but he's perfect.

 

Since you like him so much, as long as he remains exclusive, let it play out for a bit. Set a mental time limit for yourself . . . say another month to observe whether he's stepping things up for you. If it's not happening by then, you simply move on.

 

Are you still going on public dates and don't always end up in bed?

 

He is older and been through a divorce, so he's probably a little hesitant at least.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Because she feels that she won't find sex and chemistry that good again.

 

 

If it is feeling that way then she is in way over her head. And that is the reason she MUST let it go.

 

The moment you start feeling like a FWB is something you cannot live without and you fear you won't find another as good as that, it means your emotions have taken over. Time to get the hell out.

[arla]

This past weekend I spent with him at his families cottage. It was a change up to our normal routine because we spent a lot of the time relaxing and just being with each other. It was really nice. Usually when we have sex it's really intense (and really good, I love it), but this weekend it was slower and more romantic/lovey. Which also was a nice change up. I wanted to stay in that moment forever.

 

He is going to a wedding next January and asked me if I wanted to go with him. It's a destination wedding, not a local one.

 

His parents were there for part of the first day. When I met them he introduced me by my name. I honestly felt instantly judged by them. They knew I was going to be there. When I was alone with his mom for a few minutes she said I was too young, not to screw with him, and that her son will come to his senses soon and I won't be around anymore. He walked it as she said that and just said "she's not going anywhere, you'll have lots of time to get to know her like I do".

 

I don't want to keep bringing up exclusivity, but should I? I don't think he's seeing other women at all. He spends a lot of time with me, and it seems like it's increasing. When he's driving he's had me text people with his phone, so I know his passcode and I can see all of his open text conversations and facebook conversations. I obviously have never read them.

 

Or do I continue to keep letting it just fall into place?

 

What does Arla want? do you know?

 

Because this man is saying he has nothing particular to give you and you sound ok with it.

 

I want him. I feel like the chemistry that we have is so hard to find that I'd never find it again. He's confident, adventurous, athletic, extremely attractive, chivalrous. He does a lot of little things that just make my day. I am a lot happier (and more confused) with him in my life. He brings out a side of me that I really like. He's like the perfect guy... that is afraid to commit.

 

Well stop playing about with a guy who got divorced because he cheated on his wife and who doesn't want to be exclusive with you.

 

He is too smooth to be a one off cheater is my guess.

 

Cheating wasn't the first reason for the divorce, his ex-wife deciding she didn't want children and secluding herself was the main reason. The one time cheating happened after that started.

 

He said it was only once and that is all that I have to go off of. He seemed genuinely sympathetic when he talked about it.

 

Are you still going on public dates and don't always end up in bed?

 

We almost always go on public dates. He's a very active, adventurous type guy so he wants to be out doing things not sitting at home. We do have sex on pretty much every date.

 

We had a couple dates last week and I declined sex afterwards. Nothing really changed. He didn't react badly, he didn't push for it or back off. He didn't push harder the next date or insist more. The date following was totally normal.

[dpass]

I don't want to keep bringing up exclusivity, but should I?

 

Or do I continue to keep letting it just fall into place?

 

Actions speak louder than words. Let it be. He is dedicating a lot of time to you, isn't hiding his personal messages and is making (far) future plans with you. Don't push it, let it unfold naturally and it could be really great for you.

[MissBee]

OP - you have to realize most of the "he's playing you" posts are from people with a broken heart and very cautious about a prospective love's intentions.

 

You have to understand from a guys point of view that we are very weary to get involved with younger girls because of their fickle feelings. One day you're the love of her life, the next day you're off to something else.

 

What you are describing is similar to happy normal relationships work. You start out with intense feelings for the other person (honeymoon phase) which eventually lessen once the initial infatuation falls off. On a different site, this is a story of how people meet their spouses.

 

I am concerned he won't commit but I totally understand where he is coming from.

 

You can ruin it and play games, or you can let it play out to the natural conclusion.

 

Withholding sex will have an impact on him in a bad way. The last thing I would do is want to be in a RL with a girl who withholds sex for no apparent reason. I would back way off, not try harder.

 

For everyone who puts their fears against a barometer, they will never find love. If you're willing to leave because of what might happen you will never find love.

 

The reason people here are so hurt is because you can't find love without taking chances and making yourself vulnerable. It would be great if you could and there would be no need for LS, but you can't.

 

If you get hurt it will suck, but if you ruin it because you are afraid you will never know true love. That's a chance we all have to take. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. That's life.

 

You are awfully presumptuous to know the details of all "people here" but have failed to include your own perspective as an individual who is also here...

 

I am certainly not brokenhearted and from many folks' stories who have been here for a while, they have been through similar situations and learned lessons and have come out wiser and happier on the other end in better relationships....so the whole idea that all the advice here is sour grapes is rubbish.

 

In any event OP, there is unreasonable fear and there is seeing red flags, intuition and being smart about your dating choices. The idea that you either throw all caution to the wind in "love" or be invulnerable are false dichotomies. Dating is a time to discover what you want. It's also for you to have your standards, your boundaries, your deal breakers and communicate them. One person should not get to be the driver while you're the passenger idly waiting for them to choose you or clue you in as you "go with the flow." Read around...most people who allow themselves to be driven along end up hurt in ways that were avoidable. It's not that you can guarantee anything in relationships or wholly avoid hurt, that's really besides the point, but there are situations where it is CLEAR as day where you put yourself in a position where you were at odds with your own values and get bit in the butt because of it.

 

You aren't the first woman to be involved with a man who comes off hot and heavy and then he backs off or disappears....books have been written on the subject. What do you want from the situation? You have a right to what you want, there is no reason why he should be the one to decide....he's gonna do what he wants for himself, and that's fine, but if that doesn't gel with what you want, you two may not be compatible. A relationship only works if the two people want the same things and are on the same page going in the same direction....and many times this is not the case in dating but people shut their eyes to the big and small clues that this is not the case and think that the more sex they have or more XYZ they do or the less they articulate their wants, things will change...they are generally sadly mistaken.

 

There is nothing "natural" about relationships, in the sense that, people make choices everyday about what they want to do or not and it's silly IMO, especially if you're clearly not okay going with the flow, to pretend you're fine. If you are genuinely fine with going with the flow, then sure, that is a "natural" feeling and you wouldn't be here concerned....and most who are okay with going with the flow like the person fine enough but not that much so either way it pans out doesn't matter. However, you're clear you have strong feelings for this guy and it is actually perfectly reasonable and normal when such is the case to want exclusivity and some direction rather than aimlessness...this is normal...and if you are fighting an uphill battle and the person is avoiding that, you're not on the same page and it rarely pans out that all of a sudden one day they get on the same page.

Edited August 9, 2016 by MissBee

[Gaeta]

I want him. I feel like the chemistry that we have is so hard to find that I'd never find it again. He's confident, adventurous, athletic, extremely attractive, chivalrous. He does a lot of little things that just make my day. I am a lot happier (and more confused) with him in my life. He brings out a side of me that I really like. He's like the perfect guy... that is afraid to commit.

 

Hon, you need to rephrase this with the following:

 

I want a man with whom I will experience great chemistry, a man confident, adventurous, athletic, attractive and chivalrous. I want a man that will make me happy and enhance my life.

 

This is what you want.

 

And many man can give you this, not only him.

 

You cannot <want someone> if that someone does not want to be <wanted>.

 

He may be all of those things to you but he does not want to be <yours>. How can you solve that? You can solve that by finding someone that has all of those qualities and actually does want to be with you.

[Redhead14]

He says that he's looking for a long term relationship and enjoyed being married but wasn't married to the right woman. But he still doesn't want to say that we are exclusively seeing each other, but claims he isn't seeing anyone else. It drives me crazy that I could have such strong feelings for someone but he might not feel the same way, or he's just waiting for someone better to come along.

 

On our dates we go out and do things, experience things together, but the dates always end with sex. He has an ability to always keep me slightly turned on and work it up until the end of the date.

 

I don't want to see other men, I'm happy with this one. I don't want to be comparing men or hurt someone.

 

He doesn't have to say that we're in a relationship or BF/GF, but if he's not seeing other women and not interested in other women, why not just say he's exclusive with me?

 

I internalize a lot because I don't want to bug him about it or come off wrong.

 

It's still a little on the early side. If you're enjoying yourself and content with him and he's making you feel good about things, ride it out a little while and observe whether he's upping things gradually at least.

 

Set a mental time limit for yourself . . . say another 30 days or so to observe and if it's not feeling right or he still seems hesitant, you can have another light conversation about things. If he's still wishy washy or non-committal, move on.

 

And, some people view exclusivity as boyfriend/girlfriend and he may not be ready for that level. Technically, if you date in stages, exclusivity is the period between casual dating, advancing into intimacy, and then declaring boyfriend and girlfriend. Exclusivity is the period where intimacy has been added to the evaluation process for dating partner's potential for long-term.

 

I agree, however, though that if every date ends with sex at this stage, it's a little "flaggy". But, if he's doing everything else right, just continue to observe. You can control that too but saying you need to go home sometimes and observe his reaction. I would not advocate taking sex off the table either. It's part of this equation now and doing that could be construed that you are using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation to get him to do "what you want". You've had the conversation, he now knows how you are feeling so let it sit for a while and use you mental time limit. Then revisit the conversation and draw a line for yourself if necessary.