Is it too good to be true? He came on fast and won't commit

[arla]

I have been dating a man for 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks we have gone on 15 dates. He came on hard and fast.

 

Every date he brings something (flowers, chocolate, tickets for a game for another date, etc). He is a complete gentleman and always opens the car and building doors, pulls out chairs. If I go home alone he calls to make sure I got home okay. If I'm not driving (taking the subway) he calls and we talk on the phone the whole way home. He calls every day and when he says he will. He texts me during the day a couple times.

 

He calls me beautiful, pretty, hun, babe. Lots of sweet talk. He's very good looking and has a really good body. He keeps himself in shape and is actively involved in sports. I am as well.

 

He's very physical. We're always holding hands or he has his arm around me or on my back. He kisses me a lot. He's always somewhat sexual and pretty much keeps me turned on the whole date. By the end of the date I'm all over him.

 

It's really sexually intense. I've never had sex before being committed, and only with two other men. With both I waited 6-12 months before we had sex. But with him.... no. The first date there was really heavy making out and some touching (boobs, butt). The second date we had sex.He initiated but made me feel so comfortable and able to do it, not to mention horny. We've had sex every date since. He's gotten me to do things in bed that I didn't think I'd try.

 

BUT... we're not fully committed. I've talked to him about going to the next level and being in a exclusive, committed relationship. He says why rush it. He says he isn't seeing anyone else.

 

Is it too good to be true? My friends say that he is playing me and just out for sex. I'm 23, he's 32. He's divorced, no kids. I didn't think I'd go for someone 10 years older than me but he's perfect.

[leogirl876]

It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. I'd simply tell him that you're very attracted to him and love being with him, that although you slept with him sooner than you normally do, you only have sex in exclusive, monogamous relationships. If he continues to give you the round around, pull away from him and see what happens. If he comes around to having an exclusive relationship, then you know he was serious about you, if he doesn't, then no matter what you do, he won't change his mind. Better to find out early and not waste your time.

[longjohn]

He might want his cake and eat it too or he might be acting cautious. After a divorce most of us keep our guard up I know I did for a while and it scared a few ladies off who thought I just wanted a bit on the side. The age gap isn't normally an issue but he's 32 and your 23.. You might wake up at 25 or 26 and not what what you have anymore. From what your saying it sounds like he's interested, very interested or a really good player. I assume no long extended breaks in communication, nothing to suggest another woman he isn't on any dating apps or anything. At 23 you've little to lose if you stay the course however if you jump ship now you might one day think.. what if?

 

Why can't life be easy and a lot less complicated!

[Ami1uwant]

6 weeks and 15 dates is more than enough time to decide to be bf and gf

[TheBathWater]

What exactly is unsettling about what the two of you are doing right now? It sounds like you are INCREDIBLY HAPPY!

[Bialy]

If you're having a good time, just go with it. You may ruin a good thing by overthinking it. Things got off to a fast start, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It sounds like he's very transparent and is in constant communication with you. And you're having an amazing time, it sounds like!!!

 

Do you think he's seeing someone else? Are you afraid he's not taking you seriously?

[arla]

It is going really well and I'm really happy. Compared to the men I've known and/or dated in the past it's night and day. So it's hard to think it's not too good to be true. From what I've read and from what friends have told me, coming on so strong is never a good sign.

 

I also don't want to act like an immature, inexperienced kid. He's obviously been around the block more than I have, being 10 years older. I'm trying to just go with the flow, I just don't want to get hurt because I was too dumb not to notice something.

 

What exactly is unsettling about what the two of you are doing right now? It sounds like you are INCREDIBLY HAPPY!

 

Just that he doesn't want to commit or say for sure that we're exclusive. He says he isn't seeing anyone else and has no intention of seeing anyone else but still doesn't want to say we are exclusive. To me, it makes me feel like he isn't very sure about us. Like he's exclusive for now but if someone better comes along he'll want to test the waters there.

 

I just don't want to get played or get hurt. I get attached easily.

 

Do you think he's seeing someone else? Are you afraid he's not taking you seriously?

 

I do wonder if he's seeing someone else and not telling me. We're not exclusive so he doesn't have to tell me anything I guess. He always calls me at the same times everyday. It makes me wonder if that's because of his schedule or because of his schedule with another woman.

[TheBathWater]

I don't want to give the wrong advice, because no one here really knows your situation as well as you do. None of us know his 'vibe' or what the dynamic feels like between the two of you. But just going off of what you said here, honestly, if you are enjoying it the way you say you are then I would just continue on with it and trust him unless he's given you a reason not to.

 

I'm a 32 year old man, and I recently swore off labels too. I don't know, maybe it's a guy thing where we learn our lesson the hard way in our twenties and then stop doing what doesn't work (read: commitment). I'm open to something committed if it happens to work out that way over a long, long time...probably too long for most women to want to wait around. He may be that way too, especially if he had a rough breakup.

 

One thing I've learned at my young age is that most people try to secure a relationship label to make things safe, so know one runs away or know one strays or whatever. The strange thing is that in making things safe we suffocate the very mystery and excitement that attracted us in the first place. You are in a GREAT place with this guy right now from the way you describe it. Keep it that way. If at six months it's still going like this, then you can reconsider. But give it time, if you can hold out that long.

 

Be open to all outcomes and attached to none.

[preraph]

When someone "falls for you" immediately and moves too fast like that, you have to realize it's one or both of two things. Either he's just infatuated with how you look and wants to bed you asap (which he did) or he's projecting the ideal woman in his head onto you and trying to make you fit that script. The more time you spend with him, the more he realizes you are not the ideal woman in his head. (No one is.)

 

So he was in a big hurry to lock you down, and now you're locked down, but he himself doesn't want to be locked down. So he got what he wanted but isn't ready to commit at all even though he's the one who pushed this hard to get in deep too soon.

 

You need to simply start dating other guys too. He's not committing. The more he's with you isn't going to make him more likely to. Tell him you understand and he did insist on moving awfully fast and that you will take a step back and also date other guys.

[katiegrl]

I don't want to give the wrong advice, because no one here really knows your situation as well as you do. None of us know his 'vibe' or what the dynamic feels like between the two of you. But just going off of what you said here, honestly, if you are enjoying it the way you say you are then I would just continue on with it and trust him unless he's given you a reason not to.

 

I'm a 32 year old man, and I recently swore off labels too. I don't know, maybe it's a guy thing where we learn our lesson the hard way in our twenties and then stop doing what doesn't work (read: commitment). I'm open to something committed if it happens to work out that way over a long, long time...probably too long for most women to want to wait around. He may be that way too, especially if he had a rough breakup.

 

One thing I've learned at my young age is that most people try to secure a relationship label to make things safe, so know one runs away or know one strays or whatever. The strange thing is that in making things safe we suffocate the very mystery and excitement that attracted us in the first place. You are in a GREAT place with this guy right now from the way you describe it. Keep it that way. If at six months it's still going like this, then you can reconsider. But give it time, if you can hold out that long.

 

Be open to all outcomes and attached to none.

 

This was very insightful.

 

Especially the third paragraph and last sentence...

[JewelD]

Well as you say, he's been around the block. You're a younger woman. He might just be having a good time with you. He might commit later on.

 

Although if you're getting attached and you want an exclusive relationship, you should slow it down. He's not exclusive with you because he wants the freedom of dating other women. Idk if he would tell you if he was or not as I'm sure he knows you would probably not be into him as much.

 

It's easy to tell you to go with the flow and not expect anything but you obviously have strong feelings for this guy and if you continue with the way things are, they will probably become stronger.

 

Maybe cut down on how often you see him? Start dating other guys too? Something that doesn't make him your main focus.

[Redhead14]

I have been dating a man for 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks we have gone on 15 dates. He came on hard and fast.

 

Every date he brings something (flowers, chocolate, tickets for a game for another date, etc). He is a complete gentleman and always opens the car and building doors, pulls out chairs. If I go home alone he calls to make sure I got home okay. If I'm not driving (taking the subway) he calls and we talk on the phone the whole way home. He calls every day and when he says he will. He texts me during the day a couple times.

 

He calls me beautiful, pretty, hun, babe. Lots of sweet talk. He's very good looking and has a really good body. He keeps himself in shape and is actively involved in sports. I am as well.

 

He's very physical. We're always holding hands or he has his arm around me or on my back. He kisses me a lot. He's always somewhat sexual and pretty much keeps me turned on the whole date. By the end of the date I'm all over him.

 

It's really sexually intense. I've never had sex before being committed, and only with two other men. With both I waited 6-12 months before we had sex. But with him.... no. The first date there was really heavy making out and some touching (boobs, butt). The second date we had sex.He initiated but made me feel so comfortable and able to do it, not to mention horny. We've had sex every date since. He's gotten me to do things in bed that I didn't think I'd try.

 

BUT... we're not fully committed. I've talked to him about going to the next level and being in a exclusive, committed relationship. He says why rush it. He says he isn't seeing anyone else.

 

Is it too good to be true? My friends say that he is playing me and just out for sex. I'm 23, he's 32. He's divorced, no kids. I didn't think I'd go for someone 10 years older than me but he's perfect.

 

Have the two of you had a conversation about each other's overall dating goals? Have you told him you're looking for a long-term, committed relationship for yourself with someone, not necessarily with him at this point, just your goal. Does he want that for himself or does he just want casual dating? If you two aren't on the same page in terms of overall goals, then it's not going to work anyway.

 

If he says he's looking for a long-term commitment for himself, you need to continue to observe whether he dates you that way. Consistent communication, scheduling dates regularly and not just having sex when you get together. You're still going out, trying new things, having fun together outside of the bedroom. If at 6 weeks, you just going to his house to hang out, watch tv and then bed, that's not the way to do it.

 

A guy will sometimes tell a girl he's looking for long-term because he knows that what women usually want and then the woman needs to continue to observe.

 

Six weeks is kinda quick to decide whether or not you are boyfriend/girlfriend, but since you've been intimate, exclusivity is appropriate. The period of exclusivity, if you date in stages, is the period where you've added intimacy to see whether the parties involved click not only on an emotional level but in physical as well. You agree to exclusivity for a period of time and continue evaluating.

[arla]

He says that he's looking for a long term relationship and enjoyed being married but wasn't married to the right woman. But he still doesn't want to say that we are exclusively seeing each other, but claims he isn't seeing anyone else. It drives me crazy that I could have such strong feelings for someone but he might not feel the same way, or he's just waiting for someone better to come along.

 

On our dates we go out and do things, experience things together, but the dates always end with sex. He has an ability to always keep me slightly turned on and work it up until the end of the date.

 

I don't want to see other men, I'm happy with this one. I don't want to be comparing men or hurt someone.

 

He doesn't have to say that we're in a relationship or BF/GF, but if he's not seeing other women and not interested in other women, why not just say he's exclusive with me?

 

I internalize a lot because I don't want to bug him about it or come off wrong.

[joyful]

it sounds like he is rebuilding his ego and having great sex with a much younger woman after his divorce. the fact that he refuses to agree to exclusivity even though he is exploring frequent, intense sex with you sounds to me like he might be taking advantage of your feelings for him.

 

what do you think would happen to your connection if you stopped sleeping with him? you could say that you are not comfortable to continue sleeping together until you are exclusive and see what happens.

[Gaeta]

He is playing you.

 

He is enjoying your youth, energy and beauty and this without having to give anything in return.

 

Here's the thing about exclusivity. When a man is not wanting to be exclusive it means 2 things:

 

A) he wants other opportunities to present themselves to him

B) he does not mind other opportunities present themselves to you

 

I would question a man's intention if he didn't mind I dated other men.

[Gaeta]

I have been dating a man for 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks we have gone on 15 dates. He came on hard and fast.

 

Every date he brings something (flowers, chocolate, tickets for a game for another date, etc).

 

That's called love bombing. It's psychological manipulation. It's even used by pimps and gang members to recruit them.

 

Please read:

Love Bombing: A Seductive & Manipulative Technique. | elephant journal

[arla]

That's called love bombing. It's psychological manipulation. It's even used by pimps and gang members to recruit them.

 

Please read:

Love Bombing: A Seductive & Manipulative Technique. | elephant journal

 

Some of that sounds like it fits him. He doesn't say we're perfect for each other or talk bad about previous relationships or try and find my wounds. He doesn't text or call constantly.

 

I do feel like he is waiting for someone else to come along.

 

I don't want to stop having sex to get him to commit, that's like relationship-blackmail to me...

[ManyDissapoint]

Just lol at everyone saying he's playing you. Where do you get your conviction from?

 

You are 22 years old. He may really really like you, sounds like he does. You know what 22 year-old girls are known for? Being fickle. Your feelings can be true today and gone tomorrow, much more so than his.

 

He's absolutely correct not to squander his commitment, since most 22 year olds are incapable of commitment anyway.

[elaine567]

I don't want to stop having sex to get him to commit, that's like relationship-blackmail to me...

 

Do you want to know if he is just using you for sex or not?

 

Are you scared that if sex is off the table, then he will go elsewhere.

I guess you may be right.

 

He sounds like a horny guy who is using you for sex. He was right in there on the first date. He is a smooth operator and has you eating out of the palm of his hand.

If he does not want to be exclusive, then he will be doing the same thing with other women, it is naive to think otherwise, no matter what he tells you.

He is probably banking on you being exclusive to him though, and he is right.

 

If you are fine with casual sex then great, but if you are thinking this is going to be a great love story then I guess, you are sadly mistaken.

 

 

Make sure he wears condoms for YOUR protection - by sleeping with him you are also sleeping with any other women he is seeing.

You do not want to get an std.

 

Birth control, a guy who does not even want exclusivity is not going to be standing by you when you get pregnant, is he?

[joyful]

 

I don't want to stop having sex to get him to commit, that's like relationship-blackmail to me...

 

but you are not in a relationship; that's the point/problem. honestly, i don't think you really understand what you are consenting to.

[arla]

I'm having a hard time here because I have REALLY strong feelings for him. When we're together he is like the perfect guy. He's attractive, fit, kind, polite, chivalrous, attentive, we have great conversations, a lot of our dates are something new none of the "netflix and chill" crap. The sex is AMAZING, I didn't know sex could be that good. I have never really had a high sex drive but with him I just want to all the time. By the end of our dates I'm pretty much begging him to **** me. It makes me wonder, why would someone walk away from all that (he's divorced).

 

He still doesn't want to commit, I've dropped it because I don't want to chase him off. I've decided I will wait it out and see what happens. He says he just wants to take it slow, like some other posters have mentioned. He rushed things with his wife and "look where that got him". Worst case scenario he just wanted sex and I would be heartbroken but maybe one day I'll appreciate the good times I had and what I learned.

 

The other day we were out together and bumped into his ex, who was intimidatingly gorgeous. It was a quick little "how are you" on went separate ways but when she was walking away she said "where'd you find that one, high school?" I pretended like I didn't hear it but it got under my skin. Thankfully they have no kids so she has no reason to be active in his life.

 

He invited me to stay at his cottage for the weekend, next week, and said his parents would be there for a while on the first day. I want to go but I don't want to be judged by them too. It doesn't help that I look younger than I am, people always think I'm in my teens... And it's a bit awkward meeting his parents when he won't even say he's not sleeping with other women. What if he brings other women around too and his parents know that, that'd be awkward as hell.

 

Ugh! Why can't life be more simple...

[Gaeta]

Ugh! Why can't life be more simple...

 

Life is simple, you're the one making it complicated because you're going against what feels right to you :-)

 

This whole situation does not feel right to you, right? It's your instinct talking to you, why do you ignore your inner voice?

[Redhead14]

Some of that sounds like it fits him. He doesn't say we're perfect for each other or talk bad about previous relationships or try and find my wounds. He doesn't text or call constantly.

 

I do feel like he is waiting for someone else to come along.

 

I don't want to stop having sex to get him to commit, that's like relationship-blackmail to me...

 

that's like relationship-blackmail to me.. --- You aren't in a relationship! You have the absolute, total, right to not have sex with him until he demonstrates clearly and unequivocably that he is committed to you! Sex as a tool of manipulation is wrong IN A RELATIONSHIP And, even if you are married and he cheats, let's say, you can and should withhold physical intimacy.

[arla]

Life is simple, you're the one making it complicated because you're going against what feels right to you :-)

 

This whole situation does not feel right to you, right? It's your instinct talking to you, why do you ignore your inner voice?

 

My instincts have been wrong in the past. I'm a self-conscious person I feel like maybe I tend to self-sabotage or look for reasons that I'm not good enough. I overthink things too much. I screwed up a good relationship in the past by overthinking. It all adds up to me not trusting my gut feelings.

[Gaeta]

He invited me to stay at his cottage for the weekend, next week, and said his parents would be there for a while on the first day. .

 

Don't put any meaning into this. Some men bring a new girl at Xmas table every year and it means nothing. Family know she is just the flavor of the season.