orn428 Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 My relationship with my ex is very strange at the moment. I am very confused with what is going on. We are both fairly young. I am 23, and she is 25. She is a student, and about to graduate and is planning for grad school. I have been in and out of college, but never completed it. Now, she and I were dating for about three years. For 2.5 of those years we had lived together. I am have a very good relationship with her family. About two and a half months ago, she went on a trip for a program at the school she attends. When she returned, she broke up with me about a week later. I have now discovered that she met a guy on the trip in which she connected with. I also know that she broke up with me because she fell out of love with me this past year. I admit that I had some issues. I dropped out of school, and became somewhat depressed and self-absorbed. I stopped going out with her and spending time with her doing things she liked. We fell into a routine. When she broke up with me, I decided that I would fly back to my home state and recover with family. During my time back home, I focused on myself a lot, and tried to improve myself physically, mentally and spiritually. When I was away, she and I developed this dynamic in which we would call and talk to each other like we used to, but we tried to cut off a few times when it began to hurt too much. We kept coming back though. Even after a stupid ultimatum of mine that backfired. This cycle repeated a few times, until we stabilized a bit. We both had weak days when we were apart. We broke down to each other at least once during our time away. She expressed interest in possibly trying to fix our relationship, and that out friendship was holding us together. She expressed desire for me to return and start over. Saying things like ...”finding a balance what we used had and what we want the next time around”. Also during my time away, I was offered a job position in the town we lived in before I left. I accepted it and planned my return. At some point when I told her about this, she offered to let me come back to our old apartment for a few weeks to get reestablished. I took her up on the offer, and as of writing this, I have been back about a week. During my time back, I have learned that she has been dating the guy from the trip on and off, and that they got together very few days after I left. This was a struggle to learn, but I’ve managed to get past that at this point for the most part. Now, the dynamic between the two of us has been very strange since I have been back. At first she was excited to see me, and we spent the first few days hanging out. We had fun, and had good times. Then she was distant at times. Almost as if she resented me. A few more days past, and one night she didn’t come home to the apartment. Obviously she went to his place and spent the night. I couldn’t take it anymore. The next day when I saw her, I attempted to talk about us, which she has been very resistant throughout the entire time we have been in communication since I left. I brought up feelings, and memories, and tried to convince her to give me a chance. She admitted she was seeing someone, it escalated into something different. I didn’t realize it, but I was manipulating both of us. We ended up in bed, and we did it again in the morning. The next day started with us cuddling and talking. We made breakfast and coffee. I had an appointment I had to go to, as I have been trying to find my own place. She went to work by the time I came back, but she texted me that I had manipulated her into letting me into her bed. I apologized and told her that that wasn’t my intention, I wasn’t trying to take advantage, and that I would rather cut myself out of her life than bring her anymore pain. That night, as an apology, I made dinner, and bought wine. We had a good night. We listened to old songs, a few new ones. We played games. Basically we enjoyed each other’s company that night. The next day rolled by, I had my business to attend, and she worked. I know she’s still dating this new guy, I have more information about it than I should have honestly. I don’t know how much they see each other, but I feel it’s fairly often, but I am not pushing that. Honestly I’ve known she’s been seeing him for a while. She’s a terrible liar, and after three years with her, I can pretty easily. I accept it for right now, what else I can do, I am at her mercy for my living situation at the moment. She has had a hot cold attitude to me since I’ve been here. She’s told me she’s seen change in me, and I have been trying to move forward. I still love her very much deep down, but I am uncertain of what she is feeling. She’s told me so many different things, that I am very confused with how to proceed aside from getting my own place as soon as possible. I am not sure if there is any chance for us or not anymore. I have made mistakes with her, I begged and groveled at first. I tired grand romantic gestures, but those were in the first month of our split. Now I am just trying to keep things civil with her, but she keeps going hot and cold. Sometimes she’s spending time with me and talking and planning, but then she’s distant and looks likes she hates me. Then she’s always on her phone. I don’t think she’s told her new guy I am here. What I have decided to do, and I am doing is getting my own stuff going before even attempting to think about pursuing her again. I am now playing it as cool as possible, focusing on being happy and moving forward, trying not to spiral out with her again. I am still not even sure if I should try again. She didn’t cheat, but she broke with me for a fling, but then again, I was sad and apathetic and there was hardly any love left for myself. I am a little fearful that she is falling for this new guy. I believe that I truly have changed. I have made drastic changes that I needed to with my life. I’ve given up a lot of destructive habits that were holding me back. I hold myself to a different standard now. I came back stronger than I have ever felt. The break up changed me drastically, but in so many good ways. A big part of me is actually glad it happened, I am moving forward with my life. I think she sees it. She’s told me that she’s seen it in me. She’s the one part I can’t justify letting go off completely. She was my best friend and my companion. Maybe one day she can really see me as that person she used to believe I could be. I believe I can. Should I even try to win her back someday? How should I approach her after I leave? What is the best course?
Rupert Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 Advice: Read my thread. But the honest advice, is 'win her back' is a myth. You must just do you and figure your stuff out. She left you for a reason, something you weren't giving her. It sucks, but its the truth. She's hot and cold because she loves you, but that doesn't mean date you. I will say this, don't let her mess with you, move on, and only at that point, maybe you should try to get back and even at that case (take my story) it may not work. You got this my dude. Just NC. avoid her. She left you, for a fling! That is so messed up, you are worth more than that.
DKT3 Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 Best way to handle it maybe one you don't want. Move out cut her off totally and move on with your life.
Nowty V Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 I would rather be standing on my feet, penny-less and sleeping rough. Right now you are on your knees, beholden to a person who toys with your emotion. She's just after some 'narcissistic supply' don't give it to her.
LD1990 Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 Staying at an ex's place is a bad move. Priorities 1 through 100 should be finding your own place ASAP. This girl has you by the balls right now. You're staying at her place. Everything is your fault - seriously, she blamed you for manipulating your way into having sex with her? Do you have mind control powers you forgot to mention, because from the sounds of it she's an adult who could've said "no" at anytime. You probably can't "win her back." She doesn't feel that way about you anymore. What you have is the best you're gonna get - conversation and occasional sex while she dates someone else. The real question is, why do you want her back? She's dating this guy and she had sex with you. Based on that, I wouldn't doubt that she cheated on you with him when she went on that trip. This isn't someone you can trust. Best course of action - find your own place, cut off all contact and move on.
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